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it'd be crazy not to be insane

Posted 05-24-08 at 01:55 AM by JE_SUIS_CASSE
why is it that I'm so self destructive? do I not believe I deserve better? and when I am aware of these things about myself, why is it so hard to change? I used to be a great writer. I had scholarships to attend workshops that lasted several weeks where guest teachers were none other than Arthur Miller. once I realized my potential I coudnt write anymore. I exceled at sports. my pitching coach made it to the olympics. but once the colleges came round I quit. and now here we are 10-15 years later and I'm freaking out about my potential in the hair/makeup industry. I've exceled so far and if I fail I only have mysef to blame. I'm too old to be pointing fingers. I hope I don't screw it up. I have a bad habit of wrecking everything I see. my therapist asks me why I live in a dream world. I can't face the ugliness of reality...b/c if I told you/admitted to myself how it really is..it would be a depression I'd never come out of. I make up scenarios and excuses in my head. and if something doesn't happen the way I think it shoud have, I have a back up story that my mind is more than willing to accept. so I'm delusional. who's it hurting? I was a mistress for over a year...and it was then and only then that I saw how beautiful I truly am.my little boy oliver died in my arms at 2 weeks old and it was then and only then that I realized my lifes worth.
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