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Could it be your fault? or is it mine again

Posted 03-01-08 at 02:30 AM by TeLL
I have 2 friends, neither truly is very close.
I haven't dated anyone in 18 months, and im only 19. I'm not obviously deformed or disfigured. I could nearly fit in a crowd. so how is it that everyone around me can meet people, create friendships, bonds, relationships except me? I try to always smile, I make as good smalltalk as I possibly can, I'm generous with my time, efforts and money, and when I do anything for a person I believe is a friend, i do it with honest care and consideration for their feelings.

so why am I always alone? why can't I make friends or ever get past a first date? what is so obviously wrong with me that repellse the world but has left me completely blissfully ignorant of my predicament? My parents always told me that if I have a problem with the whole world arround me, it's really me who is out of sync with the world, but I'm sick of this. I'm a ****ing good person. I'm caring, loving, and extremely empathetic. if theres a problem I try to deal with it diplomatically, so that everyone gets something somewhat fair. I could go on for a while as to what I do right in terms of how I am, but it means nothing, something about me pushes everyone away, when I was 16-17 my brother always told me I stank, so I became so obsessed thats why no one would talk to me I'd end up int he shower 20-30 minutes washing 2-3 times just to make sure I don't smell too bad when I get out. then it was my beard, my hair, my glasses, i kept trying everything I could think of, im exhausted of Ideas, exhausted of people.

I've fallen for this girl, I'm exactly what she needs, someone to encourage her, support her, care for her. she needs me nearly as much as I need her. thing is, that elusive 'quality' of mine pushes her away.

and honestly, to a degree that people don't want anything to do with me, fine. but there are tons of people who are pieces of ****, ****ing scum, but somehow people are attracted to their presence. its ike a pheromone, or something, their major flaws are excused as meer character traits, while I am alienated before I open my mouth through the conversation-discouraging looks I get...

I just dont ****ing get it
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