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What am I doing wrong!?

Posted 09-24-08 at 01:54 AM by RGarcia
I am looking for answers....

I am new to this site so I hope I am asking for advise the correct way.

Wow had no idea I put this much down. Hope you have time.

Ok a little about me,

I am 31 yrs of age, as a child I enjoyed playing sports mainly soccer which I played till roughly the age of 8 or 9. I was told I was very good at my position (Golalie). Just like many things working up to that age soccer just dropped from my life without any thought as if I would regret it. From the age 3ish - 7 I was out going, friendly, enjoyed meeting new people, then slowly it started fading to where I no longer wanted to meet people, did not want to attend social activities, was not interested in making friends... I started isolating myself in my room. I started to avoid the friends I knew up to the age of 7. Even my own family, I felt better when no one was around me. I all of a suddan had a huge lack of confidence, could not trust anyone, felt that anyone and everyone I came around wanted to "beat me up". My grades in school hit rock bottom by middle school, I have no idea on how I kept passing to the next level. By the time High School hit I was transferring atleast once per year to a new school around just because no one knew who I was. Eventually I graduated somehow. Back tracking a little. By the age of 13 I had completly isolated myself to the outside world and to fill the void I experimented w/ "sniffing paint" which I must say was one of the worse things I could had ever done. That lasted for a few mos, and just up and quite. Around 15 I started to swipe my parents booze anywhere from vodka, wine, jager, anything that would fill this void for the evening. I started getting in trouble with the local law just like many teens did, but the only difference is they would know when to stop, as for me I knew when to stop, I knew it was wrong but I kept doing wrong over right. I met this girl when I was 22, just stunning I would do anything for her she gave everything and in return received nothing, It's not that I did not want too give her the world but my mind by that age was so scattered that I did not know where to start putting the puzzle together, I was lazy, easily starred down, nervouse around any guy while I was with her (complete lack of confidence). I could not stand up for myself and the real sad part... I could not stand up for her at times when I needed too. My mind eventually closed off, when someone would talk to me I would be attentive for a mear 5 secs, then would just get a black fog over my eyes, I did not go to lala land, my site, my vision went black and I could never get myself to return back to the convo I was in. My girl put up with the feeling that I was never interested in her and that I was just pushing her to the side. I never had an explination as to why I did not remember anything she had mentioned a moment or two ago, I wanted to so bad but I couldn't I was just gone. I could always feel the hurt that I caused her, and the dissapointment in her eyes, everyday I was in a constant state of shame because I knew that I would just dissapoint her again somehow, someway. Eventually we did get married and she stayed with me "No clue why". She put up with this everyday routine of mine, of having a difficult time keeping a job, never being honest, etc.. Within the last 9 mos. she had finally had enough I had drug her life down so hard that she was breaking. She kept telling me that we needed a marriage counselor but in my mind I was unwilling too. The counselors were brought up a few more times until she snapped, it was either counselor or divorce. I loved my wife without being able to show it for the whole time she had been with me, but I chose the counselor. We went 1 day, and within the 1st 1/2 hour while she was listening to my wife fill up with emotions and tears in her eyes, she stopped and asked me if I had been tested for ADD. Now for many years I felt as though I had ADD, but on the other hand I did not ask for help because I felt the issue and my mind was truly caused by the sniffing of paint. I went in and got an opinion. It took the doc about 10 minutes to determine I infact had it. He wanted to start me off on a fairly new med., Vyvanse 30mg. I picked up the prescription before work all the while never giving it a chance, I had a mindset that after 31 years nothing was ever going to help. I took the med., and within 2 hrs. I felt a sensation I had never felt before, it was like my whole mind was funtioning, many many things started to become clear. Instead of avoiding my co workers I was talking with them, not just talking but talking a storm. Many years of emotions, feelings, conversations I have always wanted to have were being brought to the surface I was astonished. I have been on the meds now for around 5 mos and never once have the failed me, of course my dosage has been modified here and there, but I do take dex., in the morning followed by Vyvanse. My wife was happy for me...... This is where I need help, she was happy for me, but for her it was too little too late. My years of never being there for her mentally nor physically has caused such an emotional drain on her that I could "never" see without the meds. It feels as though she now looks at me with discuss or dissapointment of what I put her through. I have constantly tried to rectify things from the past which absolutly tears me apart now that I realize what I have done not only to her but my friends, family, loved ones. I am having a very difficult time coping with the way I was in the past. I am struggling to keep our marriage together, I try to make her "feel" that the person she married has been awaken and wants to make a life with her and my son. She says she can see a difference but that is not enough... It's also difficult for her because even though I'm different on the inside I still look the same on the outside. After many years of my mind being clouded over, my mind finally awakened to find out that my wife really wants nothing to do with me. She constantly is trying to avoid me because she will always see the person that I once was which weigh's much heavier than the person I am now, we try to talk but those last only moments, and more times than not she heads to a different room to get away. Eventually she told me that she "loved me" but is not in love with me. She has decided she wants to move out because she needs time to heal from all the years of emotional neglect and we would see what would happen. Only thing is I am the only one who has been working while she has been the primary care for our 3 yr. old. So I do want her to heal the way she needs too and I do hope that things work out for us, but until she finds work she will continue to look at me w/ anger of what I did and it will continue to drive us apart. I do love this woman and want things to work out. I am asking for help from anyone who has been in similiar relations but it worked out in the end.

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