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Ramblings from a very disturbed mind
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Posted 04-11-08 at 02:22 PM by Ethereal
I've been struggling, as you already know if you've read my previous post. I went to the doctor a few days ago and got a prescription for a drug that would help with the terrible "depression attacks", where I keep crying and crying for hours, and have suicdial thoughts. But I'm not, I repeat not, suicidal, it's only thoughts. I've been suicidal several times before, I know how that feels, and that's not how I feel now.

Anyway, my doctor prescribed me Seroquel, and anti-psychotic. I've done a lot of research on it though, and one of the most common side effects is a signicant weight gain. I mentioned it to my doctor when I talked to him today, but he said it was only about 3-5 kgs (about 7-11 lbs). Haven't he understood by now that I'm completely nevrotic about my weight, my worst nightmare is to gain (even more) weight, for God's sake! I've just started to get my eating habits under control, and have lost a bit of weight, and now I'm goint to have to take a drug that slows down my metabolism, increases my apetite and make me drowsy, so that I have less energy to move around (normally, I'm always on the run). So why don't I just say no? Well, there's not any more alternatives- or, it's one, but it has the same side effects as Seroquel. But what else can I take to get through the worst days? The days where I can't do anything but cry?

I've tried a lot of different drugs, and I'm either allergic to them, get to many side effects (like weight gain), and/or no effect. Exept for the Diazepams, they work, but I was getting addicted to them, so I've had to stop taking them. I will soon have to take a break from Flunopam (Rohypnol) soon too, I've built op a tolerance (and my tolerance for pretty much all drugs is alread high), and it's not possble to increase my dosage even more.

I've thought about having the Seroquel safely stored in a proper place and use it only when it's a real emergency. But lately, it's been emergencies every day...I don't know what to do.
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  1. Old
    Well, I can't resist telling you what I would do... First of all..."thinking isn't doing". But if your thinking starts to include a would call someone...right?

    Admittedly, I know nothing about anorexia other than it is something you have control over when you feel like everything else is out of control...(at least thats what I read about my OCD.) But...consider would you feel if you were 10lbs lighter with more energy and less crying? I would take control, by taking my pills.
    Plus, if the anorexia continues...someone is going to intervene, then they would MAKE you gain at least 10lbs anyway! Ya with me?

    Oh, and my doc gave me "pharmaceutical grade Melatonin" for sleep. Now, I have a freakishly high tolerance to stuff,(**ahem*** uh, no reason) and one of those guys knock me out! Wowee! But it has to be Pharmaceutical grade.

    Hope it works out! ((hug))
    Posted 04-15-08 at 10:50 AM by MJwatson MJwatson is offline
  2. Old
    Ethereal's Avatar
    At the moment, I'm suffering from "ednos"- "eating disorder not otherwise specified". I have symptoms of bulimia/binge eating disorder rather than Anorexia most of the time, I only go through anorexic "episodes". So at the moment, I'm at a normal weight, and I doubt I will become seriously anorexic again anytime soon. I'm a lot healthyer than I have been in the past (I've been hospitalized for anorexia a few times in the past, I was close to death all three times), but they use that against me now when I beg for help- I look healthy, I don't binge and/or purge more than once every two-three weeks, and as I was stupid enough to admit this, they don't consider me sick enough to deserve help. For God's sake, I count every single calorie I eat, and have done that for over 10 years, I force myself to exercise hard for hours everyday, even when I'm sick and end up fainting from it, I've ruined my metabolism, I can no longer eat anywhere near normal amounts of food without gaining weight. If I gain 2 lbs, I consider it a huge crisis, I'll get even more depressed, and I won't eat until I've lost it again. I might not be close to death anymore, but my disordered relationship with food, exercise and my body is having a severe, negative impact on my life, my ed has "stolen" years of my life, and I really- I have enough issues besides the eating disorder.

    Sorry about the rant, I'm just so frustrated, I've been struggling with this for so long, and I really want help. But there's light in the end of the tunnel, I've found an non-profit organization that offers group therapy for people with EDs in the city where I live, for very little money. If the public health care system refuses to help me, maybe someone else can.

    About Melationin- Thank you for the tip, I've tried it, Pharmaceutical grade, and it didn't work for me. I've tried everything, and I need industrial-strength stuff, enough to put a horse in a coma, to even get tired. I've been to a number of specialists, and they've all said that they've never seen such a difficult case before. Can't anything about me ever be average?

    Thank you for your support! ((big hug back))
    Posted 04-15-08 at 11:47 AM by Ethereal Ethereal is offline
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