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Captains log of troubleshooting steps taken, results and analysis of physical, emotional and intellectual response.

Documentation to aid in resolution of known corruption in operation system code language translation and possible multiple shorts in circuit wiring, resulting in CPU malfunction.

(Research notes may include but are not limited to to following; frustration, whining, fear, anger, grief, denial and extremely dark and dry humor...please consult your owner's manual for interraction warnings before opening)
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Waiting for my laundry to dry so I can take a shower

Posted 03-10-10 at 01:23 AM by carped1em
A med free day, save for nasal spray and face goop, if one would consider that medication.

I don't know if it's lingering trazodone, cold meds in my system, ladytime hormones or emerging crazy but last night and today were extremely heavy and fractured.

Days like today I question the magical inpatient Dr.'s super mutant style AD/HD with no comorbid diagnosis.

The longer I'm left alone to wander the dark and contorted corridors of my psyche, the more I'm considering that the previous 35 years of shrinks might have not only been correct, but the monster may have grown along with the rest of me.
I know that constant self analysis is dangerous and ultimately destructive but what else is there at the moment?

I'm only expected to go to one or two appointments a week. They are both specifically for the purpose of figuring out how cracked my noggin is. I couldn't handle even the most menial part time job right now.
I would like to know why.

It would be great if I could trust the opinion of any mental health practitioner. I know they mean well and really believe that they can figure out what is "wrong" and what pill will "fix" me, however I believe that the mental health factory in the United States, or the rest of the world for that matter, is only slightly past the Dark Ages of Bedlam, pocket ice pick lobotomy and acknowledgement that women's mental health was dictated by more than their genitals.

They gave me a rorschach test last week. I didn't think they really used those anymore.
The APA supports the accuracy of the Rorschach, in spite of the various controversies surrounding it.
I find out thursday what writhing creatures in the underbelly of my subconscious skittered out through the blots.

Finding information on the meanings of answers given on a rorschach is an arduous process on the internet. Between the copyright infringement and accuracy debates, the complex facets of scoring, multiple schools of interpretation and my inability to remember any bodily movements I may have made, I could determine little. The few things I'm fairly certain of disturb me.

Yes, I know it's best to wait until my next appointment to hear the "real" diagnosis. That can't happen, no matter how hard I try not to google it.

Luckily it's only 2 days away. I'm going to see Alice in Wonderland with T & Jobin after my appointment. I think it's very fitting even though Beowulf is the only movie I've ever been able to watch with the 3D glasses. I usually get a really weird variety of vertigo. Avatar was good but I didn't fall in love with it like my dorky glasses wearing compatriots. I'm pretty sure even if I can't do it, Alice will hold it's own.

It's 10pm& I'mwaiting for my laundry to dry so I can shower. While it was washing, I ate two oranges, plate of sundried tomato/pesto pasta & piece of roasted garlic bread. I ate two pieces of toast with peanut butter and honey and an apple for breakfast.

Today was cold, grey and drizzled, again. My nose is still runny and I have a ragged cough. I still smoked a couple of cigarettes in spite of it.

My face is 98% healed and very worth the swollen, black eyes and copious amounts of shedding. I'm probably going to do it again in a few weeks. It almost completely removed the three 1/2 inch cancer scar by my right eye, 99% of my acne and considerably smoothed the few breakout scars I had. The chicken pox scars on my forehead and end of my nose will need 1 or 2 more treatments. Definitely worth it...even though I rarely leave my house & even more rarely do my hair or put on makeup.
It really is just for me, when I look in the mirror. I know that's weird for people to grasp but it's my face right?

I'm going to check my laundry now.
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Total Comments 4


  1. Old
    Phantastic's Avatar
    "self analysis is dangerous and ultimately destructive"

    If i was a Psychologist, I would tell everyone this then raise my rates. hehehe

    Maybe i would rewrite it to say...

    Self analysis is dangerous and ultimately Deconstructive

    Which is just as painful but less foreboding. *nods*
    Posted 03-10-10 at 10:50 AM by Phantastic Phantastic is offline
  2. Old
    carped1em's Avatar
    HERE HERE!!! (raises imaginary glass for toast)
    Posted 03-10-10 at 02:31 PM by carped1em carped1em is offline
  3. Old
    Phantastic's Avatar
    (eats imaginary toast)
    Posted 03-10-10 at 11:09 PM by Phantastic Phantastic is offline
  4. Old
    carped1em's Avatar
    mmmmmmm...toast....lghshlghshgslddghghsvh (that's the Homer Simpson drool noise by the way)
    Posted 03-11-10 at 01:02 AM by carped1em carped1em is offline
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