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Captains log of troubleshooting steps taken, results and analysis of physical, emotional and intellectual response.

Documentation to aid in resolution of known corruption in operation system code language translation and possible multiple shorts in circuit wiring, resulting in CPU malfunction.

(Research notes may include but are not limited to to following; frustration, whining, fear, anger, grief, denial and extremely dark and dry humor...please consult your owner's manual for interraction warnings before opening)
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Good talk son...good talk...

Posted 03-11-10 at 12:43 AM by carped1em
It's a pretty good day today.
Cold's getting much better, back on stims, remembered vitamins and omega oils, no lingering trazadone feeling (or more specifically lack of feeling). Didn't shower or get dressed but hey, it's only 9pm.

I did fold my laundry, called on some artist loft apartments that I would love to live in (even worked up the courage to talk to Jobin about moving in again. don't know where he'll end up with that one but I'm proud of myself).
Ate leftover pasta an orange and some green jello and I'm working on figuring out a dinner type thing now.

I talked to both of my sons and my daughter today.

Daughter by text. This was really good because it was young teenage friendship drama stuff without a hint of "why did you do this to me you crazy bi%ch? You ruined my life!". She was talking to me like a person.

Oldest Son by facebook chat. He is 21. He has Asperger's and was only moderately functional and in some pretty serious legal trouble when we reunited (he was 16 and that's a weird story for another day) but is doing amazingly well now.
-historical field note re; eldest:
I had him at 15 and relinquished him for adoption. I had been estranged from my family for years, worked full time and had an apartment with a roommate.

When I was about 4 mos. pregnant my father contacted me and we began to try building a relationship. My mother didn't trust me and was not thrilled but gave it a try. My father wanted me to move back in, have the baby and let them help me raise it while I went to school.

He had a heart attack and died when I was 6 mos. pregnant. My mother blamed all the stress I put him through my whole life, the baby being the final kick that killed him. My second son was nearly 6 mos old before I ever let her see him.
She now acknowledges that dad's severe bi-polar disorder, obesity and refusal to EVER see a doctor were probably more to blame. It really sucked when she said that though.

Oldest son and I had a good chat about nothing really. Pretty amazing for an aspie who's obsessed with all things video game. If you know an aspie, you know what I'm saying!
Given what I'm going through right now, I'm doubly proud of his accomplishments in the face of his A.S.

Younger son stopped by to get some fenders out of the auto graveyard in back of my house.
I'm not too sure what I think about him yet. He was quiet and semi standoffish until I asked to see pix of his new puppy.

Before my meltdown, I couldn't say a word to him without getting verbally shredded so I guess standoffish is an improvement. Even his friends said what a dick he was to me. Jobin wanted to kick the shi# out of him sometimes when he'd go off.

He only worked 10-20 hours a week. Couldn't save the money to get his driver's license (somehow this was my fault too according to him), spent the better part of every day for over a year, having sex with his girlfriend in his room.
I'm pretty liberal and this wouldn't have pi$$ed me off if the rest of his behavior was at least polite, he was contributing something to the household AND if my own marriage hadn't been crumbling and eventually ending at the time, in large part due to problems with our sex life.
I basically told him that no one should be having sex under my roof until I was! I think that's pretty fair considering he didn't support himself.

He wouldn't even deign pick up his towel off the bathroom floor, so forget about ANYTHING else that resembled help around the house!
Again, that part wouldn't have bothered me so much if he and the 5 or 6 friends he always had over (even when he was asleep or not asleep with afore mentioned girlfirend), didn't raid and destroy my kitchen & sit in MY office/studio on the internet all day (piling both the office and computer with garbage).

My house is OCD spotless now that I live alone and the sum total of my housework time is under 2 hrs. a week.

Wait, here's the kicker...
The day I was committed he grabbed the stuff he wanted, left ALL the mess behind and then some, moved in with his new girlfirend of three weeks, her little brother and her mother (who he still won't let me meet). Fine, I can understand it in the given situation.

He now (within just a few months) has his driver's license and apparently free use of girlfirend's mom's car, is working full time, just got a new puppy, is going on a 2 week road trip and is getting his GED.... A$&ho(e.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he's doing well and I certainly don't want him here, but his sudden productivity (and the fact that he's never called or texted me and only stopped by when he thought I wasn't here) just proves to me that he was a lazy jerk who didn't care what effect anything he did (or didn't do) or said, had on me.

I also wonder what story he gave this girl and her mom to get them to let him move in, pay for his license and insurance and use their car freely. Maybe they have a weird co-dependant thing...eh, I don't really care enough to think that one through.

I used to be really bent over my failure as a mother but Jobin made the point that both the kids are old enough now that they are not my babies anymore and they have chosen to be the people they've become and you can be a perfect parent and your kids can still be jerks. Neither does drugs, neither has ever been in trouble in school or with the law and that's a d*mn site better than most of America.

I agree but it still makes me really sad sometimes...I love that kid and I always vowed to raise the kind of man that there werent' enough of in this world. Ah, well, best laid plans and all that rubbish.

So our visit was pretty awkward and I doubt I'll see him until he picks up his drift car and remaining parts in a few weeks.

Like I said, it makes me sad sometimes that he is who he's become and that I don't really want to see him anymore than he does me, but not much I can do, and he is an adult...legally anyway.

I'm boring myself now. I have a potentially sh*** day tomorrow hearing all about my likely twisted Rorschach results and probable big talk with Jobin about moving in together again. Could go either way but I'm guarding myself for the worst, on both.

I think it's a good time to go wander in the kitchen and convince myself that something looks good...we'll see how that works out...
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