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IN my life I have learned every possible way to go around an obstacle without getting past it at all. I felt like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up the tall mountain in hell, for it to only turn around and roll back down again.

I have felt like a vampire, a ghost, a ghoul, a monster, and a dead person at times.

I've questioned also why my conscience must be so sensitive that I feel like a monster simply because I get angry a lot and I argue a lot.

I've questioned my chronic disregard of what other people think in favor of what is good or convenient to me at the time.

I've spent years troubled about why my mother never loved me enough to leave me feeling secure and loved. She loves me, but it's never enough. I feel like a vampire.

I've questioned my own worth as a person when potential friend after potential friend has reacted negatively towards me because of something that I couldn't really accept because it seemed so hateful or bigoted or intolerant. Similarly I could never understand why my friends never treated me like a best friend when I loved them so much.

I've questioned my femininity when I could never manage to attract a good boyfriend who would be loyal to me. I could never understand why loyalty was not a given, in a relationship.

I've questioned my rights to expect fair treatment from my loved ones, when I don't share an equal amount of the work. I've accepted any treatment, without having the ability to leave any situation. I was grateful for what I got, and never was beaten.

I named my blog "My Haunted Mind" because I picture myself as a woman sitting in a chair and she has a haunted mansion for a head. The haunted mansion is my mind, all these years haunted by something I could never define yet was barely perceptible all around me and never suspected within me.
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Disneyland: the Unhappiest place on earth (For ADHD)

Posted 05-08-15 at 01:31 PM by icarusinflames

How much it troubled me when I was a teenager and I had to make the annual trip to Disneyland with my family. I remember enjoying it when I was a small child so why was I feeling so much unhappiness now?

There was a sign that you would see, I believe over the main entrance that said "The Happiest Place in the World!" and I would look at it and just feel that sinking feeling like the day ahead was going to be further proof of my unchangeable gloomy nature.

I remember walking through the place, but feeling slightly in slow-mo, slightly in a strange reluctance inside to even WANT all this day. I think I didn't object to the park or the day, but how I was feeling inside, surrounded by weirdness in such a technicolor, spaztic funhouse way.

The fortune teller "Esmerelda" on main street took on an interesting tone for me, following a very painful and unexpected confrontation from my sister-in-law. I instantly recognized the similar appearance between my SIL and Esmerelda, as they are actually quite the spitting image. It's hilarious to me!

My SIL, about 2 years after her marriage to my brother, decided to write a long letter to my mother about how screwed up I am, how useless I am to the family, how i won't be able to help take care of my parents in the future (Evidently this was one of her worst fears? To get saddled with my parents when they are old? My parents don't need her help at all as they are an economic fortress, due to my mother's planning ahead).

So the fairly new SIL decided to completely speak words of DOOM and GLOOM over my life, over me as a person, over my worth in the family, etc.

It was truly bizzare, one of those actions where everyone in the whole family goes WTF? They know I have issues, but I am accepted by my family as much as they tried to fix me and control me and to guide me into safe, prescribed paths that were better suited for a punk and a drop-out from life, like me.

I remember that when this happened, I was in my thirties, struggling with a very hostile feeling marriage and raising my young child.

Getting attacked in such a personal level and haveing someone target your mother for their complaints about you is probably the most violating and demeaning thing I experienced in the past 10 years, besides some of the ways I was spoken to when my husband was furious at me for my irresponsibility.

I had to stop then and wonder, why? Why are these situations popping up, over and over again. You can hide as well as you can and you can believe that you are hidden, but these indignities will find you wherever you are!

That was what I took away from it.

Now, in my process of understanding and assigning my memories into the correct category......................................................I see that this particular memory is only one of those absolutely horrible things that you will never understand, since it's so bigoted and troublemaking and unnecessary.

That SIL will forever be locked inside that fortune teller machine for me. But I don't ******* believe in fortunes anymore. So SCREW THAT ! lol

In other words, I still find my SIL objectionable but I no longer feel exposed and troubled by her words because I don't see them as having any power over me, and they certainly don't dictate my future.

And about Disneyland? I am going to try to make up with disneyland and then it will be a friendly place for me. I'm going to work on that, so I can overcome something very silly. The dread of large public places with a bajillion people crowded into it, acting like children and maniacs... well that should be more fun now. I guess. haha
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