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Posted 02-06-13 at 08:00 PM by jkeelsnc
I am not sure what to do really. I attempted to start a relationship about three weeks ago. This guy I met is a good person. I must complement him on the good things he is and does. For instance, he is one of those who jumps in to help with things when we're around the house. Rarely do I have to ask for anything like that. He has enjoyed spending as much time with me as he can (even though I know people need time alone or apart occasionally). Additionally, he is a smart person and shares several common interests with me that are not easy to find other people to share with.

Now, getting to the issues at hand. From the beginning, we have had problems communicating. I am partly at fault for this because I get defensive when I feel like someone is after me. However, a good example of what frequently happens is this. I will be listening to a song on the radio or trying to remember information relating to a question that is asked. I will answer what I remember first. Then, a few seconds later or so I'll remember something else and then Ill change the answer or I'll add something else. It does mean that the answer changes or the context is different after I add some detail I couldn't remember at first. However, when this happens I "lie" or "make up things" according to him.

Additionally, with this ADHD thing it is common, of course, that I have trouble learning things the way other people would like. It is not uncommon that I have problems with keeping focus and not getting frustrated. He will be trying to teach me something that cannot stop (like a video game) or whatever. However, I sometimes won't see something I need to or understand a concept. Sometimes, I am ok with failing and starting over (though I don't always feel good about myself when it happens). Anyway, he will proceed with comments like "Well, It just surprises me that you cant keep up" or "Why do have trouble seeing what I am telling you there on the screen?" or "You have to learn to keep up with others and not give up". He'll say these things after he has repeated a command, comment, or order, etc that I am supposed to understand quickly. I think we know thats not always possible for the ADHD person. So, when he's adding all these comments I feel hurt and it makes it even harder to focus and learn and "get" whatever it is I am supposed to. I tried to explain my needs in this regard but he just brushes it off like nothing wrong was done and that I shouldn't blame anyone else. Well, its true I can't blame others for ADHD, etc. But I need the chance to have things reexplained over and over sometimes. Again, he acts like "no, that isn't what I did. I just made a comment that was obvious and then you took it the wrong way and then get mad so you can blame me for it."

I am frustrated, confused, upset, hurt, angry, etc. The main mistake I made was jumping in to this relationship too fast in the first place. That is the main thing I've done. Maybe he has a point but I feel like i have been treated badly, manipulated, and lied too when I am the one being accused of these things.

I even went online to take tests that measure you for honesty. They even have trick questions that try to sniff out dishonesty. Both tests showed that I am usually very direct and very honest and have no desire to lie or make up things or manipulate other people. The only thing is if I feel manipulated or something isn't right or it seems like someone is coming after me for something (physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally) I will stand up for myself sometimes and refute the other person's points defensively and I think also honestly.

Someone help! Maybe he has some valid points but I feel like a bad person. Anytime I try to communicate my thoughts and feelings on these very issues it is thrown back at me like he did nothing and that I am just blaming him for my stuff.

What am I doing here? Or is he really trying to "take me to the the cleaners"?

I am blunt enough to admit that I do want feedback on this. I need objective opinions from outside. I realize that you do not really know me or the other person. However, some feedback and ideas are appreciated. Thanks.
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