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Captains log of troubleshooting steps taken, results and analysis of physical, emotional and intellectual response.

Documentation to aid in resolution of known corruption in operation system code language translation and possible multiple shorts in circuit wiring, resulting in CPU malfunction.

(Research notes may include but are not limited to to following; frustration, whining, fear, anger, grief, denial and extremely dark and dry humor...please consult your owner's manual for interraction warnings before opening)
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If I had a world of my own everything will be nonsense

Posted 04-08-10 at 10:48 AM by carped1em
"I invite you to a world where there is no such thing as time
And every creature lends themselves to change your state of mind
And the girl that chased the rabbit drank the wine and took the pill
Has locked herself in limbo to see how it truly feels." -Shinedown

If only I could write like that. Funny how many songs peg so exactly what you feel or think, more deeply than you could ever hope to. At least that's true for me.

I've tried to write so many times over the last...Sh!# I don't know how long it's been. Weeks I suppose. I'd have to check my last blog. Two, three maybe. Time doesn't really matter to me right now. It's all the same. Night. Day. I'm equally surprised when I notice I've slipped into either one.

I sit down to write. Coffee on one side, American spirits, 2 lighters (always lose one when I get really into it), ashtray and cell phone on the other. I sit. I smoke. Never typing so much as one letter. I Don't even drink much coffee now that they have me on more stims.

I feel like I need to just puke it all through my fingers and make the movies in my head, turn into nothing more than words, to be filed away in the catalog of my life. At least into the picnic basket of journals under my desk. I've even tried with a good old pen and pad. No dice.

So many things I thought were impossible, at least highly improbable, have occured in the last few weeks. I remember it all. No lost days or hours during the really horrifying parts. No black holes that only bring confusion or surprise when events are recounted to me.

Those used to frustrate, and even frighten me. I long for them now. At present, my inability to track days is simply an avoidance of measuring time altogether.
I'll find out shortly when my house will be going to auction. Then the ticking of the "reality" clock will become deafening.
There is no reason to trouble myself with it any more than an occasional passing thought. I don't have anywhere near the strength to clean out my kid's or Jobin's bedrooms right now. I may just end up leaving them as they are and walking away. The cleaning crew that the bank will hire won't wind up sobbing on the floor, spitting and churning over the when, how and why it all went horribly wrong.
It could be two weeks, could be 3 mos.
I have no way to plan anything before I know that date. My universe shifts so regularly, who knows what will happen by then anyway. So, I'll continue to sit and attempt to unlock the letters spinning in my brain.

I can't seem to find the first word. If I could find the once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away, there was once a girl who lived in a big empty house...

Maybe I'm just afraid to. Afraid that if I begin pick at the scab protecting the tissue paper skin of reality, it can never be grafted back together.

I've written several too long, TMI messages to people about parts of recent events, none contain everything. I tried copying and pasting the messages and filling in the gaps, but my fingers always seem to freeze over the keyboard as I read through what I'd written.

It's all to fresh and overwhelming, at least that's what I hope.

"Sometimes the curiosity can kill the soul but leave the pain
And every ounce of innocence is left inside her brain
And through the looking glass we see she's painfully returned
But now off with her head I fear is everyone's concern
You see there's no real ending
It's only the beginning...." -Shinedown

I thought I could just start a completely anonymous blog and pour it all out. Not that this forum isn't fairly anonymous, but I'm talking faceless, nameless, no acoompanying posts reavealing bits of life and personality. Nothing but words on a monitor.

I found a few good blog sites. When I tried to register for the first, it said my email was already attached to an account. I started that blog in late 2005. I didn't read the posts. It happened two more times.
I knew I had started blogs before but I didn't think they'd still be out, floating in the electric cloud hovering in and around "reality".

I've saved all the sites & passwords. Still haven't read any of the posts though. At first I was excited. I thought of it as proof that I existed. Proof that I was a mother. Proof that I was a wife. Proof that I didn't care how many times the universe knocked me down, I did a Bruce Lee style flip back up on my feet, ready to throw down.Proof that I had dreams that I could reach. HE!%, Proof that I had dreams at all.

If they proved that my memory of me matches up in writing, it's just a glaring reminder of exactly how lost I've become. Proof that Bruce Lee is dead. If the words of the former me, scream a similar brand of crazy to my present state, it'll just solidify that I didn't have a breakdown, I just woke up and the dream bubble I was living in popped. The house of cards just tumbled down. In the words of a band that has carried me through many a craptastic day, druing this phase of my journey,

"I used to wonder why he looked familiar
Then I realized it was a mirror
And now it is plain to see,
The whole time the monster was me."
-Gnarles Barkley
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Comments

  1. Old
    I feel your overwhelming sense of overwhelmingness. I wish I could help you clean out your kid's rooms. That's all I ever want just a little help, well no a lot of help and a little validation that I'm not crazy and I'm not lazy. Do what you can to get those rooms cleaned out and ask for help from somebody. Your best friend ,a sibling a co-worker just somebody who might be able to understand your situation. Do you have a plan? Make lists even if you don't always get to cross everything off ,it does help. Do you know where you are going to move? I really do wish I could help you. I understand procrastination, overindulgence and well in my situation I have almost no help from my husband. I hope things get better for you. Just remember you have to start somewhere. Make those lists, do one single thing at a time and you will start to see some progress. I'll be thinking about you. Let me know if you need to talk.
    Posted 04-12-10 at 01:49 PM by jdshook jdshook is offline
  2. Old
    carped1em's Avatar
    thank you for your kindness jd, your words are appreciated!
    Your description of the overwhelming sense of overwhelmingness is the absolute best description of my feelings during the time I wrote this post.
    Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with me. I always wonder what people think when/after they read my blogs but very few people comment.
    Posted 05-24-10 at 05:08 PM by carped1em carped1em is offline
  3. Old
    Phantastic's Avatar
    awww!

    I was thinking: An intriguing mind. Once, twice misplaced. Encased within a purple face!

    To tell you the truth I find most of my internal dialogue confusing.
    Posted 05-27-10 at 05:54 PM by Phantastic Phantastic is offline
  4. Old
    I was thinking: what an intriguing mind indeed too!! Just read your into story: WOW! You could only just write about this and make it into a book, or ten books!!
    I can relate to some parts, and yet you lived a completely different life! I hope you're still around cause I'd love to ask you a few questions!!
    Posted 07-29-10 at 04:41 PM by Layla771 Layla771 is offline
 
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