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A journal of my acheivements, goals and struggles of being a parent with ADD of an ADHD child along with a homemaker and wife. People take such things as organization and completion of normal daily tasks for granted when those who are struggling just want the simple things life has to offer us each day.
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Last week was an awakening of sorts...what now?

Posted 10-11-08 at 12:28 PM by Veggymel
Im just venting in sorts for this post, its not my normal style - I am usually really grateful for everything I have and thankful for the great support I have. This whole thing with the new adhd meds has got me kinda trippin out a lil tho, just thinking wayyyyy too much into it I am sure - like most OCD/ADHD'ers lol. Anyhow...this is probably gonna take me forever to write (it always does lol, so bare with me while I think of what I am trying to say LOL). I will start with a recap of the last few weeks I guess. I started on Adderall XR about three weeks ago and was not really totally on board with my recent possible DX of ADD/ADHD. So needless to say I was fearful and not quite sure how the meds would effect me, especially from having a pretty intense history with panic attacks and anxiety - I was scared to take a stimulant. So...I sucked it up and just knew I had to at the very least try it since things were lacking in my productivity, motivation, lazy acting behavior here at my home and in friendships/social settings. So I took the meds and at first had some pretty crappy side effects like headaches, dry mouth, sweating and slight anxiety. While this was bothersome - I was actually gettin a TON of work and housework done, running around to the store when I wanted to go instead of 2 days later when I finally got around to going etc. My husband and friends were seeing a big difference and my own mother even said I seemed to speak slower on the phone - which I didnt notice at all. So - I was changing my thoughts on the stimulants and giving them a chance since I was actually seeing therapeutic benefits. After about 2.5 weeks into the meds on 10mg XR, I stopped having side effects which was great but at the same time the theraputic effects started tapering off...I noticed because once again I was playing scrabble online when I should have been working, staying in pj's all day - and not really having "clarity" in my daily routine/thoughts,etc. I sometimes get apprehensive about asking family/hubby about noticing things in me because #1 I hate feeling analyzed and #2 they are usually just eager to get me on more meds etc without understanding how I feel about all the stuff going on. My hubby sees only positive effects of the meds so of course he will say - "call the doc, get a bigger dose", while I am thinking about my longterm goals and HATE HATE HATE living dependent on medication to function (one day I will get over this I hope). Back to my situation, a few nights ago when I felt like the adderall was basically not working and I had already left a message for the doc to ask for a higher dose(like some drugatic lol), I needed some clarity. I started drinking red wine (I hadnt had any the whole time I was taking adderall those few weeks) at about 4pm and kept on till about 10pm when I passed out. Self medicating again, so that was proof enough for me I need the meds. I should get it right? Nope, still in denial - what is wrong with me?? I dont have ADD. Well I might. LOL WTF! I guess more meds is probably a good thing at this point, I mean what else is there? Go back to no meds? Not even a possibility now, because unlike before the meds (when I was blissfully unaware of my inability to have a clear mind) - now I know and see it all very clearly. Gee, Thanks Adderall. LOL. So yea, during the 2/4 days I was not getting any benefits from Adderall....I saw it all pretty clearly which is something I probably needed. Im stubborn and wont see anything till it stares right in my face, damn Irish in me! So, here I am today after talking to Doc yesterday and doubling up on the meds. Now 20mg XR - how long will this work? I feel so torn, want to believe this will last longer, but what if it happens again - that felt really ****ty. :-( I already feel like the meds on the dbl dose are working now at this time so that is promising. The only time I am able to write a blog post effectively is when the meds are working so.....watch for more? LOL
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