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IN my life I have learned every possible way to go around an obstacle without getting past it at all. I felt like Sisyphus, pushing that boulder up the tall mountain in hell, for it to only turn around and roll back down again.

I have felt like a vampire, a ghost, a ghoul, a monster, and a dead person at times.

I've questioned also why my conscience must be so sensitive that I feel like a monster simply because I get angry a lot and I argue a lot.

I've questioned my chronic disregard of what other people think in favor of what is good or convenient to me at the time.

I've spent years troubled about why my mother never loved me enough to leave me feeling secure and loved. She loves me, but it's never enough. I feel like a vampire.

I've questioned my own worth as a person when potential friend after potential friend has reacted negatively towards me because of something that I couldn't really accept because it seemed so hateful or bigoted or intolerant. Similarly I could never understand why my friends never treated me like a best friend when I loved them so much.

I've questioned my femininity when I could never manage to attract a good boyfriend who would be loyal to me. I could never understand why loyalty was not a given, in a relationship.

I've questioned my rights to expect fair treatment from my loved ones, when I don't share an equal amount of the work. I've accepted any treatment, without having the ability to leave any situation. I was grateful for what I got, and never was beaten.

I named my blog "My Haunted Mind" because I picture myself as a woman sitting in a chair and she has a haunted mansion for a head. The haunted mansion is my mind, all these years haunted by something I could never define yet was barely perceptible all around me and never suspected within me.
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let her rave, indeed

Posted 05-08-15 at 09:54 PM by icarusinflames (My Haunted Mind)
But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep,...
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Old

The Proverbial Bad Seed

Posted 05-08-15 at 08:22 PM by icarusinflames (My Haunted Mind)
Thinking of how all my life, I have felt like my parents didn't do enough to help me, that they didn't really truly care about me, they left me alone in my misery, etc.

I'm not saying that the young me wasn't right to feel that way.

They couldn't have helped me. They had no idea what was wrong with me. That is why they couldn't help me. They insisted that I was just the proverbial bad seed because that was easier to understand and accept than to guess I had a neurological...
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Old

music I love, part 1

Posted 05-08-15 at 03:01 PM by icarusinflames (My Haunted Mind)
I've been contemplating suicide,
But it really doesn't suit my style,
So I think I'll just act bored instead
And contain the blood I would've shed

-- Rowland S. Howard "Shivers"

Love this man. Love love love. I hope I still love him after my psychiatric medication-ing happens. so silly to worry. Rowland S. Howard is pure goodness.

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JcbeM-DMUc[/url]
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Old

Disneyland: the Unhappiest place on earth (For ADHD)

Posted 05-08-15 at 01:31 PM by icarusinflames (My Haunted Mind)
[IMG]http://www.disunplugged.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/DL-2012-04-256.jpg[/IMG]

How much it troubled me when I was a teenager and I had to make the annual trip to Disneyland with my family. I remember enjoying it when I was a small child so why was I feeling so much unhappiness now?

There was a sign that you would see, I believe over the main entrance that said "The Happiest Place in the World!" and I would look at it and just feel that sinking feeling...
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Old

I vagus-ly feel sick?

Posted 05-07-15 at 06:07 PM by icarusinflames (My Haunted Mind)
I heard about a research study that will stimulate the vagus nerve to see if it helps ADHD children improve in specific areas such as attention, moods, etc. There was already one completed study with such positive results that evidently some of the U.S. parents in that are ordering the device (to own it and continue to use it on their children) from Canada.

I'm seriously contemplating this. I can identify already with the vagus nerve by studying how it runs through the brain...
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