http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php ADD Attention Deficit Disorder Forums and Chat en Wed, 19 Jun 2013 21:40:37 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.addforums.com/forums/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12160 Tue, 18 Jun 2013 20:28:43 GMT hi i have adhd and other labels - i do fit all the symptoms to varying degrees and the only thing i notice about 'me' is that my mouth and my words cause people to believe some really amazing things and it's none of my concern,

that sounds arrogant....fine line there from 'confidence' - all matters naught without a caring heart to me

So i'm following an urge to stop seeking Dr's and accept that I've got an internal guidance that has what it needs - is open to good advise and basically will keep going forward considering 'failure' just one way it didn't work and it's all a numbers game.

That's it for today cus i experienced the truth in the statement 'it's apt to be mighty interesting when the sacred comes to call'
by the lady who speaks some powerful truths here -imo. Helps cut out the extraneous nonsense.

ie; frame of reference for an Adhd'r...heh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...1CslIpO3M&NR=1 ]]> Blanched Dubois http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12160 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12155 Sat, 15 Jun 2013 01:00:53 GMT “The alchemist picked up a book that someone in the caravan had brought. Leafing through the pages, he found a story about Narcissus. The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one... “The alchemist picked up a book that someone in the caravan had brought. Leafing through the pages, he found a story about Narcissus.

The alchemist knew the legend of Narcissus, a youth who knelt daily beside a lake to contemplate his own beauty. He was so fascinated by himself that, one morning, he fell into the lake and drowned. At the spot where he fell, a flower was born, which was called the narcissus.

But this was not how the author of the book ended the story.

He said that when Narcissus died, the goddesses of the forest appeared and found the lake, which had been fresh water, transformed into a lake of salty tears.

'Why do you weep?' the goddesses asked.

'I weep for Narcissus," the lake replied.

'Ah, it is no surprise that you weep for Narcissus,' they said, 'for though we always pursued him in the forest, you alone could contemplate his beauty close at hand.'

'But... was Narcissus beautiful?' the lake asked.

'Who better than you to know that?' the goddesses asked in wonder. 'After all, it was by your banks that he knelt each day to contemplate himself!'

The lake was silent for some time. Finally, it said:

'I weep for Narcissus, but I never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I weep because, each time he knelt beside my banks, I could see, in the depths of his eyes, my own beauty reflected.'

'What a lovely story,' the alchemist thought.” ]]> Blanched Dubois http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12155 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12147 Thu, 06 Jun 2013 18:15:11 GMT “If a man could understand all the horror of the lives of ordinary people who are turning around in a circle of insignificant interests and insignificant aims, if he could understand what they are losing, he would understand that there can only be one thing that is serious for him — to escape from... “If a man could understand all the horror of the lives of ordinary people who are turning around in a circle of insignificant interests and insignificant aims, if he could understand what they are losing, he would understand that there can only be one thing that is serious for him — to escape from the general law, to be free. What can be serious for a man in prison who is condemned to death? Only one thing: How to save himself, how to escape: nothing else is serious.”

– G. I. Gurdjieff ]]> Blanched Dubois http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12147 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12141 Mon, 03 Jun 2013 21:48:19 GMT some say that laughter is the best medicine
some say that laughter is the antidote to sin
some say that laughter is a waste of good time
i tell you laughter is fully Divine

this planet's got a bunch of serious folks
they just don't get the cosmic joke
and some spend their lives in hot pursuit
of what they call the cosmic truth

but i heard a joke in the Heavens above
Laughter is Truth!
and the punchline is LOVE.


from the book; What is Lightbody ]]> Blanched Dubois http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12141 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12140 Mon, 03 Jun 2013 21:34:56 GMT retrograde motion reverses the flow
endless repetitions of what you already know
wordless renditions as you watch it all go
dont'cha know
it's all about love

innumerable postulates masterbates minds
SPEECH!it's a tool, a weapon! a chainsaw! a blind!
Planets align to our own design
while we worry about 'the times'
and the only thing certain is change.

simplicity is key
karma is dharma
visions of what is and can be - ecstatic energy
kundalini
the doors are the core its up to you to decide
open or close your mind and your body is
one

visions of grandeur
deluding dilemmas
tales of fame and power
subversive innuenda
psychic subtrefuge - return to sender
( could be an electrical problem?)
and it rocks and it rolls and ya know
It's all about love.

sensual insatiability deceives the senses
in full mayaic presentation ( TECHNICOLOR)
innocence and intention
if we're talkin' 'the end'
green light means GO!
my heart slightly quickens
my stomach, it sickens
and I know it's all about
LOVE.

by me circa 1981 ]]> Blanched Dubois http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12140 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12136 Sat, 01 Jun 2013 14:34:41 GMT Starts with Back in the USSR - apropos...met a family that emigrated from St Petersburg Russia where my people came from....so she's 14, so my kid's got the hots for her but is denying it..
:lol:

Figured out I was ready to fire my son's pdoc and the guy who wants to do the 4 codes that start with a 9 that the gal at the phd's office wouldn't tell me what they were...or how much they would cost. She laughed at me and i laughed back thinking buhbye, baby, buhbye.

i did a lot of research, Dear Prudence, and I haven't come out to play in so long I'm getting moldy....it was a wearying week....son at his monitor 24/7, ignoring the feelings of such sadness, letting go of 'it all' and watching to make sure i know what's what...look around round round round round round

ahhhhhhhhhhh....welll, so i did find a good place highly respected where the kids get the best assessments, and counseling not just meds and you're on your way. We are both going to them this month.

since beginning my course with Dexir the covidien brand ( thanks Nate ) take less doses as needed, never more, and the supplements, eating better, resting more ( finally sleeping through the night after almost 2 yrs of not ) i finally 'got' yesterday i was stuck, helpless, we all are...gotta accept it. Yep, i just whip out my copy of the partial list of 'Eternal Truths' - i like these 3 today; 32.We must live within the ambiguity of partial freedom, partial power, and partial knowledge. 33. All important decisions must be made on the basis of insufficient data. 34. Yet we are responsible for everything we do. oohbladeeohbllahdah

honneyyypiee honeyypieee

so yeah, it's all a risk and fear can be so paralysing - how to overcome it? LEAP, after good research, take your time, no duress, hey bungaloo Bill ! you can stop and say 'wait a sec' it's ok, i'm safe, so i'm not going to pay out of pocket with my current pdoc who writes scripts and just nods compassionately and keeps handing me a piece of paper that says 'Driven to Distraction' ( good ADHD book ) ( i prefer I'm Dancing As Fast as I Can )
and no counseling for trauma that makes me want to pretend i have amnesia even now...
...and all de children sing.......

so ordered the medical records from everyone, will file SS on my son so he has time to recover and not be forced to become 'independent' until he's ready - he has his own bank account, passport, and some income but he is not functioning, is still only just coming to terms with his 'diagnosis' which has not been done in any formal way that i could see - just a few half hours with this old pdoc who got pissy the one day we had 15 minutes to explain the kids 18 yr history of GI issues and broad spectrum??
i've researched and found some correlation..

my guitar gently weeps - i put aside those feelings

so he'll see that pdoc one last time - then i file his SS as an adult disabled dependent 'child' 18 and am meeting with the school district who pulled him out of an IEP assessment when i was hospitalized last yr - unable to push them to keep it going - waiting for the Dr's diagnoses besides 'severe, recurrent depression and passive suicide' - to see how they will NOW do their jobs and do it well finally so my son can graduate and we don't care if he's 20 doing it- i wonder if they lost all their loved ones by the time they were 12?
Do they know what it's like to be a teen with one person for 'family' and she's sick? yeah, no

i need a fix cus i'm goin down....mother superior jumped the gun....so i figure...let's just do one thing at a time - happiness is a warm gun- take time - get kid to the right place for full assessments and good psychiatric care that wants to see his medical records FIRST! what a concept!!

Happiness !!

So, slow it down..make the calls, confirm, put in calander, organize paperwork -file everything real good ( all this weekend - again ) Martha my Dear...hold your head up you silly girll look what you've done - when you find yourself in the thick of it .....

take a gooood looook around you....

it doesn't have to be so 'bad' ...or ...grueling even....yeah it is sad but so what....everything has a beginning, a middle and an end....hold your head up you silly girl....

yeah it's lonely...but we have some nice neighbors here, that care about us...and a lawyer who offered to come to the IEP meeting to see why they kicked my kid out of his HS making him go online 24/7 so he'd fail out for sure.....i'm sooooo tired....

and yeah it's scary but when ya face it - one at a time, and 'do it' i guess it's not that bad...and the most impt thing for me is to see my kid happy again - relatively - and out making friends and dealing with his new diagnosis with help from a school system that to this point has failed him...for their funding.

So laywer and son and i will meet with district heads i called at the last moment to remind them they can't do this to my boy - he has a right to a 504 plan or whatever...so we'll go tuesday and look at all the options...

and in the meanwhile, try to relax as much as possible...knowing we're just doing our best to get the best care we're paying for!!!! cus the kid will have a better life than i did and that's all i want for him..

so enough of the white album...right now, today, gotta walk dog before he explodes and so enjoy that is saturday and i don't have to go out if i don't want to ...and i don't...lately. i don't have to think about the home loan modification that may save the house i walked away from and memories that hurt me so much i wish i could bury my head in the sand to get rid of them - instead - i'll just put them over here..wrap em up ..real pretty...for another time i'm less emo

and i'm recalling the words my eldest bro always told me ' stop second guessing yourself!'

ok...so it's a 'big' month with a lot at stake..but it's alll good either way as we'll get to resolution and a better plan...and live it anyway it's delivered...making the best of what's left.

Cus you can replace 'things' not people. And, the 'people' i love are depending on me and it's ok - what the one's who think it's 'bad' don't know is everything....and you can't 'snap out of' this stuff....nor should you try. Insults upon injury - no longer accepted, please and thank you.

Kid will start with new place and i'll switch over, too, to make sure we're both getting the best care for the trauma's that we shared and those we didn't...and think about how we can make more lemonaid from all these lemons neverending but not so sour....with some Agave poured on 'em. Life can be sweeter if we make it that way. Take a clue. Suffering IS optional.

And, everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey. ]]> Blanched Dubois http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12136 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12135 Sat, 01 Jun 2013 05:07:34 GMT defrosting

probably have some freezer burn
gotta excise off some of my 'bad parts'
and serve up the best I got

life goes on

gaddangit

:cool: ]]> Blanched Dubois http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12135 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12129 Mon, 27 May 2013 12:27:16 GMT So, someone told me that my 'story' basically made them awestruck it was so pathetic. It stuns people into silence. That's what it does to me and with the ADD it's almost a kindness.

I have to put my 'feelings' aside about what I feel about head injuries and ADD and extreme experiences that ended up pushing my son and I out of our 'home' to land near the person who abused me all my life.

Sometimes I guess to spare us further pain our own brain will remain in denial for a long time. With ADD and a brain injury and spinal injury dealing with an adult child now who's only just received his 'diagnosis' and needs a lot more assessments all I can do is sit here and feel deflated. It's sobering. It can be depressing, I guess, too.

I don't want to have this pitiful story. It's true but it's so depressing who would want to know about it? Now I know why I'm considered a 'hard luck' case and the pity just makes me want to spit.

If that's 'pride' so be it. Sympathy is not even suitable. Empathy is a rarely expressed and more appropriate response my son and I have not experienced. Instead, it's always a reaction of 'get over it' - 'it's over' but it isn't and you can't 'snap out of a situation that you have no control over and even if you did would 'snapping out of it and being present' make any difference?

Nope. Validation and respect is what I think is most appropriate first and then ones like us can start to heal from 'it all'. The world would appreicate it if they didn't have to deal with us. I've noticed this by the reaction of 'friends' when I became fully disabled. Not only was I looked at like I was 'crazy' or a 'liar' but I was treated like that by people I thought respected me.

I'm learning that instead I was a 'walking mark'.

I hope I can find a lawyer to take a malpractice suit for me because I'm pretty sure without a chunk of real change coming down the pike this life of ours, my son and I, is going to be more and more about Dr appts and less about enjoyment - kind of like the last 5 years.

Wondering. ]]> Blanched Dubois http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12129 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12116 Sat, 11 May 2013 05:52:01 GMT There's a fine line between having respect for someone and giving up pieces of who you are to spare their feelings. How do you recognize the difference between the two? When making a decision based on the feelings of someone else, someone who you love, who loves and respects you, you imagine it might be pretty cut and dry. Of course I will do this for you. I love you. I respect you. I want you to be happy. But what if your brain responds differently? Instead, what if you hear - I want o do this for you because I love you and I think I respect you. But doing this would make me unbelievably sad. It doesn't feel good. And it makes me unhappy. Is that a clear indicator that you are making a bad decision? A compromise that is slated too far in favor of the person your trying to appease? Or is it a sign that maybe you don't respect them the way you think you do? Maybe you love them, but apparently not enough to make this sacrifice/compromise without feeling some resentment toward them. Anger. Disgust even? If a decision, and decision is made begrudgingly, there is no other outcome than resentment and anger. How do you determine what your motivating factor is for this sacrifice when you are so heartbroken by making it?

Was it made simply because you have a feeling of obligation toward this person to show love and respect? Is it because lack of confidence in your own self worth makes you a people pleaser, even at tje cost of your happiness? Do the feelings of resentment and disgust say more about yo as a person or about the person requesting this sacrifice of you? Are they equally at fault for asking you to give up something that means so kuch to you your willing to risk heartbreak, headache, and just about anything else to ensure its existance? Even feeling THAT way raises questions about your charecter, your moral compass, your whatever you want to call it. Why is it that THIS has become so important to you that it has overriden your sense of obligation, respect, and love for the person who obviously would like for this sacrife to be a no brainer.

When and how do you decide that this is about YOU and your happiness, and not someone else's? Making a decision for your own happiness leaves its own trail of guilt however.....

How do you win a battle that making someone else happy makes you sad, yet making yourself happy makes you feel selfish and guilty.

I know it depends on the specific situation - but this argument seems to follow me daily. Unti I get tired of making all the sacrife. Of always putting myself second, if not third. And I eventually can't stand to look at the person that has "made me" give up so much of myself.

Yep. ]]> write4relief http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12116 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12113 Thu, 02 May 2013 04:39:01 GMT In the last 2 years ive learned, adapted and accepted so much about self. About the new me. The new life I'm intended to lead. Though I cant helpbut miss pieces of the old me. The unaware, misguided, blissfully ignorant me.

Without going into the horrifically long story of how I got to this point, this may seem a bit scattered and nonsensical but I'm okay with that.

Ive reached the point in my post-diagnosis period that I'm starting to mourn the loss of my old self. The pre-labeled/diagnosed me. There is/was a "trigger" to my symptoms that's brought my symptoms to an unmanageable level, hence seeking treatment/diagnosis.

What I find myself missing is the way back version of me. The pre-trigger period when I was "normal". When I didn't have so much to think about. When I was "just a little quirky". I certaintly don't long for in that really dark place somewhere between my blissfully ignorant and blissfully aware period that ive been living in.

A friend once told me that after a while id go through a period where I want to stop my medication because I don't need it and I'm "all better now". I think I might be there. I feel like injustice need to wipe the slate clean and stop being me and go back to "simpler times". Though I know that there is no returning there. My symptom triggering "event" isn't going anywhere. So I'm not dilusional enough to believe that I will/could ever be. Who I was 5 Yeats ago. And I know THAT was no picnic either.

But these thoughts just whip me back to feelings of guilt. For simply missing life before the madness. Or at least life with adifferent madness.

I miss it though. I miss it terribly some days and some days I don't. This is the first time in over a year that ive felt even an inkling of anger and denial. And it came out of nowhere. As a matter of fact it came out in the course of this post that THAT is what is happening. up until this point I had never givennanythought to how permanent a situation this is.

This isn't the end of the world. Certainly not. But nonetheless. And in the midst of this. I realize that I still feel too great an urgen to apologize for who I am. Fornwhat I do. For having a special brain. Which meansnthat full acceptance hasn't happened. But I'm okay with that. But I'm not apologizing anymore. I am who I am. I do what I do. I feel the way I feel.

Missing things sucks. The guilt associated with this yearning for something that I don't and cant have sucks. Not being able to be in the presence of something that you would love to be able to return to sucks. Not that. I think the old me had it better or had more control - I just am now well aware of my lack of say so in the matter.

I miss my friend too. Haven't seen him or heard from him in while. I know why, and I get it. But again, missing things sucks. Nice to just know someone gets it. Nice to let someone know you get it. When you feel like there are only 2 people in your life that understand (or at least would understand) who you are and one of them is gone, it sucks. Its another missing piece.

Missing things that make you feel guilty sucks. Longing for life before the complication of understanding my life. Longing for the companionship of someone who isn't able to divert any attention away from his own life. Understanding that and still being selfish enough to seek it.

Whatever- again, not the end of the world. Just another daily frustrating thought(s) that I want to get out of my brain.

To the old me, and to my friend - I love you and imiss you both. ]]> write4relief http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12113 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12108 Thu, 18 Apr 2013 05:35:58 GMT There's no doubt I've been stressed out lately. Lots of things happening lately that my brain, my heart, my emotions, and my body haven't agreed with. What I'm finding to be a reoccuring problem steming from all of this is the powerlessness that all this stuff makes me feel.

Its a feeling that comes back, everytime something like this happens. When I get overwhelmed the one common emotion I seem to have each and every time is that I am powerless. I have no say in my own life. My hands are tied.

I think where I mean to go with this is I have trouble discerning whether these emotions are the root or the result of the situation. Are these feelings of having no say in my own life caused by the demands of my life (my husband, my child, work, my house, my cat Dr.s appointments, social obligations, etc...) does this emotion surface simply because for a while anyway, when more is required of my from everyone BUT me, it is true that I theoretically have my hands tied while I take care of whatever life is dealing at the moment?

Or is this feeling of powerlessness always sitting heavily in my heart and I'm simply able to handle it more efficiently because well, "life isn't so hard right now ". When things are status qua, am I simply ignoring this brewing problem and dealing with it only when it slaps me in the face when I'm overwhelmed?

Either way, the reaction that elicits when it rears its ugly (or accurate?) Little head is one of anger and resentment. And a need to immediately "take back my life dammit!"..... I want to make decisions without consulting my husband. I want to do what I want, regardless of my social obligations to my family. And with little regard for their feeling on top of that. That thought is usually followed quickly by guilt, shame. What kind of person am I to think those things?

Selfish that's what kind. But is it selfish? Really? Wanting to do things that make you happy? Wanting to reach out and touch those things that put your mind at ease. That make you feel relaxed. That make you feel like you again? Isn't that what we're all taught? To seek out what you love. Ensure you take care of you and your happiness.

Why do you feel selfish for those things? The only reason feeling gs of selfishness surface is because of your concern for someone else. For their feelings. Wand trust me. I am by no means saying that caring for others is a bad idea or wrong. Especially if they deserve your care. Your love. But at what expense are you sparing their feelings? Unfortunately, the answer is all too often at the expense of your own feelings. Which- circle back to the top - might wind up breeding anger and resentment.


How do you find that line? The line that States "here is where you are hurting yourself more than you would hurt them." How do you decide where that point is how do you determine if those feelings are simply natural reactions to stress or true real feelings that your identity is no where to be found. That the things you love are not able to be done because you made decisions to join/share life with your husband. Because you decided to bring a child into the world.

You expect to give up certain. Freedoms with marraige and motherhood and adulthood in general. But what happens when you cant determine if those feelings are simply longing for something you've had and lost because your stressed out or if this repeat feeling is actually a problem that you keep burying because its not "socially acceptable" or "what people do" or the most annoying response -"that's not how life works"

I love my "decisions"... I love feeling like my opinion, my feelings, my happiness, my life matters. Why should k not seek out what I love. It makes me feel grounded. It makes me feel sane. Life cant always be about doing what you "should" or "have" to do because your a responsible adult. It should be about embrassing your remedy. Especially in times of great stress. You need to seek out your clarity. Or your destined to live a life of feel feeling like your not worth anything because you've never given YOURSELF anything.

That's a lonely place. Been there - lets not lie - still there - and it sucks.

Yet... here I sit. Time after time. Trying desperately to overcome needing that piece of me I wish didn't need. That piece of selfishness. I can say with some certainty that even if this current bout comes to an end tomorrow, I will be right back here next time. Wishing I could embrace a certain piece of me that dissapeared a while ago. The ability go make myself happy. ]]> write4relief http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12108 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12104 Sun, 14 Apr 2013 13:39:11 GMT ... don't forget to tell your friends where you are going so they can visit you!

http://theskylightismine.blogspot.com is still there.

http://thegeekspectrum.blogspot.com is like Story Mode but better and organized. I'm keeping it.

http://compassionhon.blogspot.com is for Baltimore animal lovers and rescue groups. ]]> mad83 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12104 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12093 Sun, 31 Mar 2013 21:58:54 GMT I was accused of being negative and angry. The honest truth was I never felt angry I was simply tired of being some one else's emotional scape goat.

While other may influence how I feel I am responsible for my own emotions I only felt it reasonable to expect other adults namely my husband to do the same however the truth be known not all adults are capable of doing such therefore they project their emotions upon others.

I never told him I was shielding myself by seeing a wall between him and myself. I simply did so. I guess he could tell some thing was different and set out to find out what via accusations.

The only response I offered was " I have a right to protect myself emotionally and I claim that right." I claimed that right by refusing to accept the blame for his emotions only my reaction to them or lack there of



Human interactions are like sharing a bowl of soup - Each person brings into it their own brand of herbs , spices , and flavors that are unique to the individual. We are each our own spice we add into every relationship we become a part of. Becoming a part of a relationship whether a marriage, friendship, or even a group we are agreeing to share in this interactive bowl soup.


Should I react to hurt feelings or some perceived wrong by projecting toxins or poisoning the soup then I am not only causing harm to another but to myself - for I eat from the same bowl of soup.



What he saw wasn't me but his own reflection.

I am learning how to balance protecting self without harming others - Not an easy lesson for me. I was taught to react to harm hurled at me by hurling out my own brand of poison. No wonder my life has toxic pockets scattered about here and there. - I put them there, not intentionally but they are of my own doing none the less.


Slowly but surely I am learning how to quit putting up with other people's emotional crap in a way that does NOT have me wading though my own. ]]> meadd823 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12093 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12044 Thu, 07 Feb 2013 00:00:39 GMT I am not sure what to do really. I attempted to start a relationship about three weeks ago. This guy I met is a good person. I must complement him on the good things he is and does. For instance, he is one of those who jumps in to help with things when we're around the house. Rarely do I have to ask for anything like that. He has enjoyed spending as much time with me as he can (even though I know people need time alone or apart occasionally). Additionally, he is a smart person and shares several common interests with me that are not easy to find other people to share with.

Now, getting to the issues at hand. From the beginning, we have had problems communicating. I am partly at fault for this because I get defensive when I feel like someone is after me. However, a good example of what frequently happens is this. I will be listening to a song on the radio or trying to remember information relating to a question that is asked. I will answer what I remember first. Then, a few seconds later or so I'll remember something else and then Ill change the answer or I'll add something else. It does mean that the answer changes or the context is different after I add some detail I couldn't remember at first. However, when this happens I "lie" or "make up things" according to him.

Additionally, with this ADHD thing it is common, of course, that I have trouble learning things the way other people would like. It is not uncommon that I have problems with keeping focus and not getting frustrated. He will be trying to teach me something that cannot stop (like a video game) or whatever. However, I sometimes won't see something I need to or understand a concept. Sometimes, I am ok with failing and starting over (though I don't always feel good about myself when it happens). Anyway, he will proceed with comments like "Well, It just surprises me that you cant keep up" or "Why do have trouble seeing what I am telling you there on the screen?" or "You have to learn to keep up with others and not give up". He'll say these things after he has repeated a command, comment, or order, etc that I am supposed to understand quickly. I think we know thats not always possible for the ADHD person. So, when he's adding all these comments I feel hurt and it makes it even harder to focus and learn and "get" whatever it is I am supposed to. I tried to explain my needs in this regard but he just brushes it off like nothing wrong was done and that I shouldn't blame anyone else. Well, its true I can't blame others for ADHD, etc. But I need the chance to have things reexplained over and over sometimes. Again, he acts like "no, that isn't what I did. I just made a comment that was obvious and then you took it the wrong way and then get mad so you can blame me for it."

I am frustrated, confused, upset, hurt, angry, etc. The main mistake I made was jumping in to this relationship too fast in the first place. That is the main thing I've done. Maybe he has a point but I feel like i have been treated badly, manipulated, and lied too when I am the one being accused of these things.

I even went online to take tests that measure you for honesty. They even have trick questions that try to sniff out dishonesty. Both tests showed that I am usually very direct and very honest and have no desire to lie or make up things or manipulate other people. The only thing is if I feel manipulated or something isn't right or it seems like someone is coming after me for something (physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally) I will stand up for myself sometimes and refute the other person's points defensively and I think also honestly.

Someone help! :( Maybe he has some valid points but I feel like a bad person. Anytime I try to communicate my thoughts and feelings on these very issues it is thrown back at me like he did nothing and that I am just blaming him for my stuff.

What am I doing here? Or is he really trying to "take me to the the cleaners"?

I am blunt enough to admit that I do want feedback on this. I need objective opinions from outside. I realize that you do not really know me or the other person. However, some feedback and ideas are appreciated. Thanks. ]]> jkeelsnc http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12044 http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12037 Thu, 24 Jan 2013 12:59:08 GMT Time to break the golden silence...

I sincerely hope nobody is offended when I quite suddenly stop posting.

Last time this happened a lot of things changed in my life. I had people to talk to... friends to visit, family to cope with. I really didn't feel the need to go online and discuss with people about life.

I still haven't finished my studies. I've got a nice girlfriend though, but something doesn't feel right.

My dad is sick. I don't expect he'll see the age of 65. He'll never see a grandchild.

Emotions are puzzling: I want to help. I don't care. That's :umm1: odd wouldn't you agree?
I do something nice... all I hear is critique.
That can't be all that is said... can it?
Am I tuned to the frequencies of criticism speech or something??
When I hear a compliment, it causes a fleeting smile on my troubled face. When I hear a critical judgement, it causes waves of negative emotions covering my entire brain. And expressing itself as yet another wrinkle accentuating the already thick frown on my face.

Of course... after a while I learn to recognise this emotional harassment. That's when I log back on again, and try to think about what's bugging me.
Try to accept it. Learn to embrace it, and not let it lead me into despair.
Change a negative thought, that resonates in my head, to a positive "something".

Negative thoughts resonate, Positive "something"s relieve stress.

To resonate is to pick up on a certain frequency and take over the energy that produces the frequency.
This can be viewed as a load

To be in a state of stress is to experience a load, which can adds energy, which can be released or transformed, or which deforms the system.

Positive actions release the load, or transform it, i.e. do something with the energy.
Positive thoughts flex your spirit and absolve the energy.

WHOA.. :faint:

I guess translating psychology into engineering kinda works for me... ]]> diced http://www.addforums.com/forums/blog.php?b=12037