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Anastasia1 10-12-17 02:17 AM

Help with Communication :(

I have ADHD and apparently I don't respond well with questions with hesitation and stuff and it makes some people uncomfortable. It makes me very sad to learn that, but I hear from a family member that it could be related to ADHD. I heard that I need to work on my "effective communication" and being/sounding more confident if I ever want to get ahead in my career. I don't know where to start. The last time I saw a professional for much besides a prescription refill was years ago. I'm feeling pretty down about this, but where do I start?

Thank you,

sarahsweets 10-12-17 03:54 AM

Re: Help with Communication :(
Are you planning on seeing a doctor?

kilted_scotsman 10-12-17 08:36 AM

Re: Help with Communication :(
Be careful about changing to please other people.

working on "effective communication" is important for us, but this is different from other people becoming uncomfortable when with someone who is hesitant. Remember that effective communicators often make other people feel uncomfortable, the crucial aspect is whether making a proportion of others feel uncomfortable will help us get our own needs met. People with effective boundaries are empathetic to the needs of others but realise that maintaining their own boundaries will inevitably mean other people will feel uncomfortable from time to time.

Becoming an effective communicator is about sensing what is appropriate for the environment we are in so that we can get our own needs met appropriately.

Though some meds can help with this in the short term (eg anti-anxiety meds) there is no med that can make you an effective communicator who will never make other people uncomfortable.

From your short post I would say that maybe learning to live with the anxiety of making people uncomfortable is probably something to focus on, likewise the root causes of hesitation may well be rooted in an sense that there is a "right" thing to say or do in every situation.....and that if you don't do the "right" thing... bad things will happen.

finding a good therapist is a good place to start.... I would advise seeking out a "Transactional Analyst" if you can find one. Transactional Analysis is rooted in "transactions" between people and has a simple set of metaphors to explain what happens when two or more people communicate, and how this is affected by our own past and the past of the other people.

There is a short course (usually 12 hours over 2 days) you could do which is called "TA101" which gives the basics of the Transactional Analysis model. I found this IMMENSELY useful in starting to disentangle my own issues with communication.

We can change ourselves...... and also learn that we don't "make" other people feel things..... their feelings are generated within them, for an infinite range of reasons that neither we nor they generally have a clue about.

acdc01 10-12-17 06:35 PM

Re: Help with Communication :(
Why do you hesitate (i.e. takes longer to comprehend what they are saying, can't hear everything they say, takes longer to process your thoughts, etc.)? Do you sound insecure once you start speaking?

I think practicing sounding confident might help you if you sound insecure while speaking.

As far as the hesitation goes, think that may be harder if meds don't get rid of it.

For me, setting up my environment so that there are less distractions and the presentation materials to be more engaging does help a lot. Meetings with fewer people in a small, quiet, white room. visuals like graphs, maps, photos, etc to keep me more interested.

Preparing in advance for the meeting helps too. Getting someone else to take notes.

It isn't about hesitation for me but perhaps it can help in terms of your hesitation as well.

That said, some of my adhd symptoms do annoy people and have affected my career. It's like kilted said, you just got to learn to be happy with yourself regardless. Yes, that's easier said than done but we definitely need to try.

Batman55 10-13-17 12:28 AM

Re: Help with Communication :(

Originally Posted by acdc01 (Post 1967777)
I think practicing sounding confident might help you if you sound insecure while speaking.

How is such a thing done?

I've got vocal disfluency or "cluttered speech" as they say, it's not nearly the same as stuttering but it's full of hesitation, or words emerging differently than how they were pictured. That's what I have, in addition to the other things you mention, which interconnect with this cluttering (comprehension issues, delays due to auditory processing issues.) I don't know if this is what the OP has, so I'm speaking for myself here.

Pray tell, how does one become a "confident-sounding person" with these issues?

An interesting aside, I've noticed lately that the most charismatic folks have the most fluid, steady vocal ability. It appears to be one of the most defining features of what you would call a "charismatic/confident person." And it does not look practiced, rather it looks mostly innate.

Now, here I am at the very opposite of that spectrum, and as a result, locked out of having even the tiniest shred of charisma. And all because I don't speak fluidly enough. How far can "improvement" go? Can it even go at all? Because I have doubts.

ScatterBrainX 10-13-17 01:48 AM

Re: Help with Communication :(
Step 1 is to try to not feel bad about it. Managing people's emotions is not your responsibility, and it's ok to "make them uncomfortable". They just made you uncomfortable by telling you of their perception, didn't they?

Step 2 is to figure out what specific issues they're talking about. Are you speaking in a low voice? Are you downplaying your abilities? What, specifically, makes them uncomfortable about how you respond to questions?
Try to see this as feedback rather than criticism. As if you wrote a book and they're giving suggestions on how to improve it. Keep in mind that their suggestions may be bad.

Step 3 is to figure out which of those issues do YOU want to change, and what the best way to do so is.
If it's a self-esteem issue, therapy is the best way to go, imho.

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