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-   -   Crises of confidence at work - miserable. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=110570)

Spirals 10-05-11 03:44 PM

Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
I left university on a real high recently, on the rush of achieving well, and I recently took a job involving many and time-limited tasks. Many of these tasks are quite simple to do, and I am failing miserably. I continually make errors and forget information, in spite of continually trying as hard as I possibly can.

I made a serious error last week, which led to me having to declare my ADHD-PI to my employer (something I've never done before). This has its upsides and its downsides. They know I work hard and try to do things right, and at least now I appear less like the sort of person who deliberately makes mistakes, or simply can't be bothered.

The downside is that I feel that I am being treated as a disorder now, rather than as a person. My manager is a good person, but the way they communicate with me is destroying my confidence. They do not know a great deal about ADHD (not that I would expect them to), but seem to think that my attention is something I could focus as well as they do with a little more effort. I keep trying to explain that I am giving it my all, and cannot simply choose to focus consistently by willing it to be true...and I'm making so much effort that I'm beginning to live and breathe this job just to keep my head above water.

Anyway, nearly every day I am being criticized by this well-meaning person. At length. Some of these criticisms are for things I haven't actually done, although most are. Today, I was told that I am not very socially aware, do not pick up on things as others do, and that they're happy to give me a chance if I'm motivated, but that I should simply say goodbye if this is not the case. Some of these criticisms are quite stinging and painful, as I was bullied quite badly in school. I find myself wondering whether this person has simply said something to me that nobody else has had the courage to - whether I have no idea how others perceive me, and have only just heard the unvarnished truth.

I'm becoming depressed by this state of affairs, not least because I know I am falling short despite my best efforts. This has never happened to me before, and I don't want to lose my first job after uni. There is also very little work available anywhere else at the moment, and I can't afford to lose my job.

So I'll be going to the doctors tomorrow to resume my medication and hopefully, to get an increase in the dosage.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? How did you deal with it? I feel anxious, depressed, and somewhat hopeless. Thanks.

julesjampot 10-05-11 03:54 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Although i cannot help you ,i have every sympathy for you as here in the UK people either do not understand or believe ADD exists.
Is there a line manager or someone like HR person there you can talk to about how this is making you feel,explain you didnt want to tell them but felt you needed to.
Hope it gets sorted for you soon,please keep us informed, it helps to let it all out .Cheers Jules

Spirals 10-05-11 04:06 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by julesjampot (Post 1184092)
Although i cannot help you ,i have every sympathy for you as here in the UK people either do not understand or believe ADD exists.
Is there a line manager or someone like HR person there you can talk to about how this is making you feel,explain you didnt want to tell them but felt you needed to.
Hope it gets sorted for you soon,please keep us informed, it helps to let it all out .Cheers Jules

Thanks for your response, Jules.

Unfortunately, no. All I am trying to do at the moment is to get past the probation, and my type of work is rather self-contained. I wouldn't go higher up, as I believe it might poison my working relationships with these individuals, who are trying to help me, and whom I actually like.

They're just not doing it in a way that makes me feel better, rather than much worse. I'm already being very hard on myself, so too much criticism I find it difficult not to dwell on during the day. They're well-intentioned but don't seem to appreciate what I tell them about the disorder - I don't expect them to know much, but still.

Meds helped me immensely at uni, and for some perverse reason I find this job more difficult than uni! So I am hoping that upping my Concerta a notch or two will make it easier for me to juggle everything, as I was on the lowest dose before.

Hopefully, things will work out. I really appreciate your reply.

sarahsweets 10-05-11 04:34 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Any chance you could tell them to f**k off? ;)

Spirals 10-05-11 05:15 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 1184118)
Any chance you could tell them to f**k off? ;)

LOL Sarahsweets. I'd best not, but thanks. :)

julesjampot 10-05-11 05:20 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Try not to be to hard on yourself,you have alot to offer Luv Jules

Spirals 10-05-11 06:26 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by julesjampot (Post 1184148)
Try not to be to hard on yourself,you have alot to offer Luv Jules

Thank you, Jules. :) :) I will try.

Spirals 10-07-11 07:03 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
I resigned this morning, as I'd spent most of the morning feeling very anxious over what she might say to me today.

The upshot is that we have parted somewhat amicably, but doesn't, as I'd expected, see how she has offended me with the personal remarks she has made. (Not too shabby for someone who lacks social awareness, methinks). She believes I'm over-sensitive and that's about that.

I feel better now I'm out of that environment, but now I'm jobless, and doubt my agency will find me anything else.

anonymouslyadd 10-07-11 07:46 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Spirals (Post 1185689)
I resigned this morning, as I'd spent most of the morning feeling very anxious over what she might say to me today.

The upshot is that we have parted somewhat amicably, but doesn't, as I'd expected, see how she has offended me with the personal remarks she has made. (Not too shabby for someone who lacks social awareness, methinks). She believes I'm over-sensitive and that's about that.

I feel better now I'm out of that environment, but now I'm jobless, and doubt my agency will find me anything else.

I'm sorry for what's happened to you.

(((((hugs)))))

pechemignonne 10-07-11 08:07 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Spirals (Post 1185689)
I resigned this morning, as I'd spent most of the morning feeling very anxious over what she might say to me today.

The upshot is that we have parted somewhat amicably, but doesn't, as I'd expected, see how she has offended me with the personal remarks she has made. (Not too shabby for someone who lacks social awareness, methinks). She believes I'm over-sensitive and that's about that.

I feel better now I'm out of that environment, but now I'm jobless, and doubt my agency will find me anything else.

I think you're better off getting out of there. Sounds like it was a bad place, where people were using your diagnosis not to understand your difficulties or to make things easier for you, but as a way of attacking you.

So, you're jobless. Are you sure that was even the right kind of job for you? From what you describe, I'm guessing that you didn't find it very interesting or stimulating. It's possible University was easier for you because you were doing something you liked. It might help to sit down and think about the things that were harder for you at that job, so that you can avoid places like that in the future.

I just lost my job, because I was temporarily replacing someone on maternity leave, and she's back at work next week. But I'm really happy to be done with that job, because it really didn't suit me. A lot of long-term projects, a lot of being interrupted all the time, having to prioritize and junk. And lots of boring stuff like data entry and filing...

I've been offered another job that's more my style, lots of stuff to learn and it's all about helping people on the spot. Basically I would be working at the information center for the city I live in (which is huge, millions of people). And people who call in might be asking about anything going on anywhere in the city, from the amount of taxes they owe to what the show is that's playing at the Planetarium. I'm really excited about it. Also, it's 25-30 $ / hour. Looking forward to that. And it's still part-time, so I would be making as much money as I was when I was working full time, but I would only be working 25 hours a week. Woot!!

Moral of this story: You never know, quitting your job might have been the best thing ever.

Spirals 10-08-11 11:19 AM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Thank you anonymously and pechemigonne. :)

Pechemigonne, it's true about my limitations. I didn't realise my time management was as poor as it was for someone like me. Unfortunately, I have no real sense of time and couldn't compensate adequately in a short enough period of time. But I've worked to time-limited deadlines before and not had an issue, so this type of job was a rude awakening.

The day I resigned, the boss said they were disappointed, as they had put a 'support system' in place for me. I asked them to see this. They said "It doesn't matter now that you're leaving." I've had no input into whatever this consists of. I suspect it would have been a well-intentioned disaster, probably designed for the hyperactive/impulsive or combined subtypes, rather than PI. I'm just perplexed that I'm out of the loop on this one, as if I don't have the capacity to influence these decisions.

This has got to be the first and last time I will declare it to my employer. The whole experience has been deflating and it's going to take me a while to regain the self-esteem I had before. It's a tough job market, and I will probably have to take anything available...thanks so much all of you, for your help. x

dellafalls 10-08-11 03:01 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Hey, glad you have moved on sounds like you where working around unsupportive people, that were not collaborating with you. I hear your pain at others trying to "manage you" by critizing or giving you feedback on how they would have done it ect. I know with me it brings back lots of bad memories, and esp. if it someone I preceive as having authority over me ( probally a teacher flashback). I have used a organization coach that has a speacity in learning dis. that has helped me immensely in my job area. I do not tell people I work with I have ADD. I have lived under my personal assumptions that I was different, did not think like others, was not good enough, for so long, I donot want to reinforce this. I am self reflective, use a coach, meds, and have picked a job that major focus is muti tasking. It has been a huge success for me. I know you will get there to. There are gifts that you hold, and in this disease ( there is a book about that) learn what your strenghts are play to them, and learn have to leverage your weaknesses and you will be have great job satisfaction. The journey is in the learning.... thank god you are out of there..... cheers

kathrynsmathryn 10-08-11 10:05 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
I know how you feel.

I graduated business school in 2009 and went straight into an accounting job. It was a small company, and I worked directly under the boss. I don't know if he just expected too much out of me, or if it was purely my ADD, but I only spent 9 months at that job. In the end, I made careless mistakes and didn't live up to his expectations, even though I was trying my very best. After him talking to me about my work slipping, I decided to quit on friendly terms, saying that maybe I wasn't the best fit for the job. We parted well, ... ALMOST. Until my replacement came in and completely bashed me. I then got a very nasty e-mail from my ex-boss that resounds in my head to this day, saying how incompetent I was, and how stupid I must be.

I recently tried my hand at another administrative position and quit after the second day, out of fear i'd do something wrong. Please don't let this happen to you. Don't let your next job (there will be one, I promise!) become some daunting thing looming over you. Good luck. :)

Spirals 10-09-11 02:29 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Thanks kathrynsmathryn and dellafalls. :)

I'm going to get into another field, I think. Unfortunately, dellafalls, I am not good at multitasking, unless I am motivated by the tasks themselves.

Kathryn, can I ask - do you think that your errors resulted from a lack of interest in the tasks you were required to perform? I find that it is difficult to drum up motivation for tasks I don't find stimulating, even if cognitively, I'm telling myself "This is important, pay attention." Ah, well.

kathrynsmathryn 10-11-11 03:14 PM

Re: Crises of confidence at work - miserable.
 
Hmm. Well the job wasn't very interesting to me, yes, but the mistakes I made were careless. They were small details, forgetting receipts, forgetting the boss's document preferences, etc. I tried really hard to focus on getting everything done so that I could get the necessary praise or at least avoid mistakes and go on unscathed. I say the same things to myself about important things, and paying attention. And this is why I am currently looking for a job i'm actually INTERESTED in :)


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