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Jacksper 03-28-19 08:55 PM

A slower and kinder way to move forward in life
It's a while ago since I posted, but I am back yet again. Things have improved a lot in the past months:
  • Since a few months I have a girlfriend, my first real relationship in 15 years. I love her very much.
  • I have a new job, with a good salary, benefits, space to learn, interesting projects and responsibilities. And it's really in my field of study.
  • I have taken about 13 sessions with a therapist and this has helped me a lot.

However, there is still some things I need to deal with, practical things such as my finances and my organization. Also, I struggle with some mental challenges, I am traumatized by a long period of uncertainty and chaos, growing up in religion and letting go of it, I easily panick and sometimes procrastinate on important things. I feel like this is undermining everything I have built up right now. My relationship is under pressure and it's hard to focus at work. It's not only that I could lose those things, but even if I keep them I waste so much life worrying on unnecessary things that I greatly reduce my own happiness and potentially that of the ones I love.

An unexpected bill of 3000+ euro due to something I forgot to do and my relationship struggle cause me to take a good look at myself and what I am doing.

However, I know that it's not good to enter in some kind of fight-or-flight response. Even fighting is not useful right now, because I know that I will only be able to maintain that intensity until the most pressing issues are solved. And this approach also doesn't work in a relationship.

For almost my whole life I felt like I had to work on myself, I just needed to be better. I was never enough, I was always sinful and bad. There is a very positive person in me, I naturally tend to be social, generous, warm, curious and responsible, but the dark side of me often takes over, which makes me easily put down, panicking, depressed, ashamed and guilty.

Improving my outer life means that I should start with my inner life. In order to move forward I need to learn to be patient with myself, to be kind for myself, to relax and improve my life gradually. The goal should be to build a positive and enjoyable life for myself, and the ones that I love.

These are some of the changes I wish to make, all things that are good for me:[list][*] Meditating regularly.[*] Journaling regularly[*] Exercising regularly[*] Cooking my own dinners[*] Having a good breakfast, and a morning routine[*] Sleeping better and at fixed times[*] Keeping my home organized and clearn, and making it more beautiful[*] Taking time to do my administration and finances[*] Living more cheaply[*] Taking time to see friends in the evening[*] Taking time for my hobbies[*] Having fun dates with my girlfriend[*] Focusing more at work[*] Planning my days and weeks[/LIST

That is a long list, isn't it? The good thing is that I have survived while not doing most of them, or at least not consistently, so I am sure that I will survive if I don't do this all perfectly and if it takes time to grow.

So, that is what I will do. I will take it slow.

Tomorrow I will start with this:
  • Take an hour every day (that I am at home) to do chores. If I feel like it I can continue for longer, but not to the point that I stress myself out, there is no need for that.
  • I work with a to-do app, and I will put everything in the list above in it and break it down in small steps (not everything has to be broken down right away, that can be the first task - and not every goal has to be worked on right now). There is no deadline, but I will be able to relax because it is not all in my head, haunting me, but it's there in the app so I don't have to remember, and every day I make some progress for which I can feel proud. Very importantly, this list is not a list of duties and the goal is not to control myself, or others for that matter, but to find freedom and enjoyment.
  • Doing a short morning routine, at first only including a moment to envision my day in a positive (but realistic way) and to remind myself to be gentle towards myself and other people.

    This is my (draft) message towards myself for every morning:
    - you are a beautiful and strong person and you can do much more then you think
    - take it slowly. if you do, you will often grow quickly.
    - do what you feel and think is right (for yourself and others) no matter the consequences
    - what are the things that I can look forward to today?
    - what little steps would I like to take today to make my life for my future self a little bit better?
    - is there anything that is overwhelming me? is there something that just feels like a wall? If so, how do I move forward in that situation? how positive will I feel when I accomplish this, and can this even be enjoyable to work on (or not as bad as I think right now)?
    - dream for a while. write down something I wish to do one day
    - how can I connect in a positive way to the people I love today?
  • Consciously doing something every day that I enjoy.

That is it. Pretty simple.

What do you think? Can this work? Do you have any tips? Do you recognize what I write, and how do you move forward in your own life?

Drogheda98 03-31-19 11:34 PM

Re: A slower and kinder way to move forward in life
beautiful words jacksper.

I'll echo a sentement that my therapist said that should help you in the inner outter journey and you might be ahead of me of this, however it takes a bit of juxtoposition (in other words translating my you's to your I's)

looking inward takes time and focus and is not for the faint of heart (and judging by my remembrance of your post, I think you have ample heart.)and the notion is somewhat crystalized in my brain so I can give the "judgment "(which it isnt, black and white thinking is only something that goes on keyboards)

when you look from withen it takes your ego to say so. " I want to look inwards". heh, I do a kind of handguestur "inwards" and I point a figure towards myself.

be cautious, after awhile (at-least for me) things get, weird. however having adhd yourself I think we are all kind of accustomed to strange and weird.

for me, afterwhile I'll hear an internal voice saying "look inwards", meaning something in front of me has meaning in regards to my whole being.

musicman64 04-01-19 07:24 PM

Re: A slower and kinder way to move forward in life
Jacksper, your thoughts are inspiring. I think all who have to manage our ADHD have thoughts like this. God accepts you where you are is a thought I live by. Not to get religious but I saw the thought in your post. I hope you are doing well since it's been a few days since this post. If not just start again tomorrow.

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