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-   -   Laziness, apathy, confidence, stubbornness (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=194842)

Sfloridamom 04-08-19 09:33 AM

Laziness, apathy, confidence, stubbornness
 
Hi everyone. My husband and I are desperate. I am not sure where to start but our son is 11 and has moderate to severe mixed type ADHD. He has been on meds for years but recently stopped and nobody seems to. Price the difference which means heís starting to self regulate. So that is good. However since infancy this kid is unwilling to go anywhere, do anything, eat anything new. Heís never watched TV, enjoyed hobbies, read...he avoids discomfort and lives in his narrow comfort zone despite our ability to give him access to classes or trips or equipment or whatever. He still eats like a toddler, craves ungodly amounts of sugar and will only do new things if a friend is with him.

Some background: adopted at birth, healthy and good natured, popular with peers (thank goodness), 110 IQ (if that even matters), unmotivated and disinterested student, clever with computers, addicted to Fortnight, moved from NY TO FLORIDA 2 years ago and heís missed his friends terribly. Has friends here but not the same as everything is so spread out here. Heís healthy, not a complainer, goofy and hilarious. Just if he was a super hero he would be called The Refuser. We are desperate to know how hard to push him. Does he need professional help and If so how do we find someone? He runs our house and we feel like huge failures. If he doesnít want to do anything we just stay home because of all the wasted time money and energy trying to get him out . We are older parents and we donít know what to do with him!

Iím sure this is all over the place. Please please find me you magical ADHD parent who knows just what to do!!!! Heís not even living! Oh and he goes to a small Montessori school which is wonderful but makes few demands on him. We plan on sending him to public school in the next couple of years.

sarahsweets 04-10-19 03:28 AM

Re: Laziness, apathy, confidence, stubbornness
 
What kind of doctor currently oversees his adhd treatment now?

OneOfAMind 04-10-19 03:38 AM

Re: Laziness, apathy, confidence, stubbornness
 
First of all, this must be frustrating. I feel for you and in some ways your son is a bit similar to myself at that age. I must apologize if my language is not 100% since I`m not from an english-speaking country, but I can try to give you some feedback.

I have some questions:
- Did his behaviour change soon after he quit meds?
- Did his behaviour change after moving?
- Has he reached puberty? Oppositional\different behaviour is quite common and can be very frustration.
- You say he does not enjoy hobbies, but you state that he likes computers and games, in my opinion that is his hobbies. A hobby is generally something you like to do and they can change with age as well as be quite narrow. I spent a lot of time at the computer myself, still do as an adult, but also remember that you learn a lot from computers. Communication, probelmsolving, math etc. My grades in school got much better in some areas due to things I learned when using the computer.
- Have you sat down with him and asked him to for instance tell about the 3 things he enjoys the most?
- Have you tried a reward-system? If he does assignments or achieve goals in school, do new things, taste new food etc. A reward can be anything from going to the movies with his father to see a film he really enjoys or you letting him atend a LAN-party. For my kids (we have 3, my oldest daugher probably has inattentive ADD like me) we use the rewardsystem a lot and they respond really well to it.
- It sound like he has many qualities, good physical health, sense of humour etc, but being separated from his former friends might have been tough on him. Having a system, stability etc is important for all children, but even more important for those with ADD. Sometimes people have to move or change major aspects of their lives, and sometimes that can make people change a lot for better or worse.

My advice: Before you involve external help, try asking him about what he likes, what he doesn`t like, why he does not like things, also ask him about if he wanted something to change, what would it be? What are his goals etc? What would he want you as parents to do different that you do now? He might not reply on all of those things, but stay curious, make him feel important and that you listen to him. Changing others is virtually impossible, but many people have an inner need to change something and if properly motivated you might help him in the right direction. Children and most adults aswell are easy in the way that if they feel they themselves decide and that the decission comes from them and not someone else, they are more inclined to act. Telling a kid to eat the broccoli is not the way to do it, asking the kid if he wants the broccoli, the carrot or decive himself which vegetable he eats\tries and maybe even give him a cross on the rewardlist no matter what he chose is a better option. Even though you have made the choice that he must eat\try a vegetable, he feels he is the boss since he was the one who decided what to eat. This approach can be used in many different areas aswell :)

sarahsweets 04-10-19 09:45 AM

Re: Laziness, apathy, confidence, stubbornness
 
First off, I am sorry its so tough for you.
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sfloridamom (Post 2016968)
Hi everyone. My husband and I are desperate. I am not sure where to start but our son is 11 and has moderate to severe mixed type ADHD. He has been on meds for years but recently stopped and nobody seems to. Price the difference

Can you clarify the bolded part? I think maybe its a typo.

Quote:

He still eats like a toddler, craves ungodly amounts of sugar and will only do new things if a friend is with him.
Eating as a toddler is ok for now as long as its healthy. Assuming you do the grocery shopping do not buy junk food. If its not in the house he cant eat it and dont bring him with you to the store.

Quote:

clever with computers, addicted to Fortnight,
I would work on the fortnight thing. There has been a lot of recent studies or information that says its addictive and at the very least impacts a childs desire for real world friends and socializing. Some is ok, just not to the point where it interferes with or prevents him from real life interactions.


Quote:

We are desperate to know how hard to push him. Does he need professional help and If so how do we find someone?
I dont know if pushing him is the best strategy. And I think it couldnt hurt to have a professional. You would want to start on your insurance company's website and look for covered psychiatrists or psychologists.
Quote:

He runs our house and we feel like huge failures.
You are not failures but if you really feel like he runs the house then I encourage you to get therapy, parenting help or family therapy so you can learn how to be the one to run your house.
Quote:

If he doesnít want to do anything we just stay home because of all the wasted time money and energy trying to get him out . We are older parents and we donít know what to do with him!
You can start with rewarding good behavior and not focusing on punishing bad behavior. And the reward has to be immediate for him to connect the desired behavior with the reward and the reward should be small.
[quote]
My kids are now 23,19 and 15 and I feel like we have done pretty well so far and being open and honest-rewarding and allowing for natural consequences have worked for us.


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