Looking for help
Hi I already posted this on the New Member Introductions page, But I have the feeling it's better posted here. Since I'm not really introducing myself, more requesting feedback on my condition and it seems the section of New Member Introductions doesn't get a lot of feedback.
Thanks for taking the time for reading this!!!!! I'm very very grateful. Please someone help me.
I've been reading this website from time to time over the last 5 years, it's been interesting but equally frustrating because it seems there is no real solution for our most troublesome characteristics.
I'm a 32 year old man, i grew up in a wealthy family in Luxembourg, i always thought I had everything going for me, and I did, except for one thing my ADD & executive functioning disorder. I've always done terrible in school, my school even made me take an iq test with a psychiatrist to prove to my parents i was stupid, turned out I had an IQ of 138. So they send me to therapy instead. That didn't help anything.
Fast forward to now, I'm a civil engineer, I got my degree through a lot , a lot of drugs, mostly dextro. No one believed I would be able to achieve to graduate. But I did.
But everything is such a struggle, I've wanted to write on this forum for years now to ask for help to get insight. But somehow (like with everything else) it never happened. It's now almost 5am at night here, and I only got myself to do it now. I'm constantly trying to sabotage myself it seems, I don't really feel like I'm distracted, like distraction is not the cause of me delaying to write on this. It feels like my brain is sabotaging me every step.
Some of the things I'm currently terrible at and that I really need to be able to change in one way or another. In order of importance.
- I'm not productive at all, like not even in the slightest, I am just not able to do produce anything. It takes me months before I arrange the smallest task. It takes me many months to pay my bills, resulting in me paying thousands of euro's in fines every year. I only do it when it starts to build up and I feel so stressed out somehow I do it.
- My life is going absolutely nowhere, I got fired from the 2 jobs I did in my life, I have a lot of money through my family and they let me live this life. But I hate it, I would prefer to die, I feel like a plant, some months I almost never even leave the house. I all the time have some weird idea in the back of my mind that tomorrow or in the next hour or minute I'm going to change my life, but I never actually do. I never do anything. it's horrible and it feels like I'm in some awful jail. My life is literally flying away in front of my eyes. Since I was a kid I saw everyone move on with life and me kind of just waiting for it to happen. Which it of course never does, you have to make it happen, but somehow I just don't.
Now that I'm older I feel it even harder, because the life choices people of my age make are so much more profound and visible. They are advancing year after year in their careers, have made many promotions or started their own businesses. They got married have kids, etc.
I'm not envious of other people's life, I'm not envious of them living a life everyone seems to be living. I'm envious of them actually being able to act on what they want to do. It doesn't matter to me if these things are profound or not.
I have a high iq, i know i'm smart, that's why I went to study civil engineering, not really because I liked it that much, but because I wanted to proof to myself that I was smart. And I did. Not even my parents believed in me. They did think I was intelligent, but they prefered me to go work for the family company because I had the feeling they didn't think I would achieve much in an academic way. And somewhere they are right. I did get the degree, but I was a horrible student, I only passed because the fact that I'm intelligent enough to grasp the study material and that I was high on pills for 2 months on end, during the exam period. The rest of the year I was worthless, always missing classes, missing group work, ******* professors and other students of with me being late at everything. I was even an half an hour late at my master thesis presentation.
On the aspect of work and studying, the point I'm trying to make by giving this historic buildup is that whatever I would become, even a low responsibility job as a mailman I would never ever be able to accomplish successfully. I'm never able to keep a routine, I'm not able to keep any kind of structure for a long period of time. And I can't be productive.
Immediately after my engineering studies I went to management school and got a master's in management. That gave me the opportunity to immediately start as a project manager at my first job. I had a lot of responsibilities which I of course neglected horribly. And I had so many ideas and was thinking up so many things I would do. But fast forward 10 months later, the people that I was supposed to lead think I'm a horrible manager. The people above me think I'm a horrible employee. I was always late, I was late with meetings with the ceo, cfo, etc. And this was a big company. So it's actually amazing I didn't get fired earlier. But when I got fired I felt like this was it. No one will ever hire me again. I knew someone would eventually, but the main reason why I was having this thought was that I got the deep realization that even if I found a company that would hire me, it would happen again, and again and again, until I was unemployable.
I think the main takeaway was that productivity wise I was just terrible, also on an organizational point of view.
- With friends and in relationships I'm also just terrible. I really hate myself. I like a lot of aspects of myself but in general i'm so bitter towards all my horrible characteristics. I'm always late, I'm always losing everything, I'm always badly prepared, I forget important dates, important details from talks, birthdays, etc. I've left so many friends so badly disappointed, I barely have any left, only 2 friends (my best ones) decided to stay. They seem to have unconditional love for me. I'm very grateful to them for this, they seem to understand me and forgive me without me even asking.
As far as relationships go, I've had quite a lot, but only 3 long ones, one of 2 years and two of 3 years. I ended all three, as I did with most of my short ones. The reason for this is that I could no longer take their disappointment in me. I also felt horrible that the people that I loved were going to be disappointed in me for the rest of their lives, and this always made me so stressed out I needed to end the relationship. And my idea was that => once it was over I would finally take the time to find a final solution for this horrible disability. But of course nothing ever changed, and eventually I would feel the need for intimacy and feel lonely and I would start a new relationship, with still the same old deficiencies.
===> I know this whole post is not well structured, and I'm really sorry for that, I just don't know anymore. I had to write it now, in one try or I would abandon writing this again. Sorry for any mistakes, i'm to tired to review my post. I see and feel my life flash before me. Years feel more like weeks lately, a week is a day and nothing happens. Everything I do fails, it's basically whatever I try or do amounts in nothing. Even if i'm productive for a few days, in the end there is no continuation.
I've written a post like this a few years ago on a german board, nothing came from it, besides a suggestion to do more sport. I'm a fit guy, I do a lot of sports that's what keeps me from depression and suicide thoughts. I need the dopamine, I need to see the other people in the sports that I attend to. The only thing that keeps me sane. But the big problem with the sport solution, is that it doesn't actually do anything besides keeping depression away and keeping me healthy. I'm still just as bad at everything else. Very often I also miss important games, which makes people at the clubs mad or disappointed in me, and gives me stress, which in turn makes me change clubs/sports.
I would not run away from my problems, if I knew confronting them would make any difference. But it would just make the tension higher, as I would promise the world to anyone so that they would forgive me, yet I would still do the exact same thing the next time. Forget a date, forget a meeting, and so on.
Please help me. As I said I have a lot of money, that's the only good thing. But basically it also just keeps me alive. I might just die like this. A zombie trapped in an apartment. I tried investing in things, since if I can't keep a job why not create them, as you can imagine things went south very fast as well. I bought a small hotel chain (without any experience in that sector whatsoever) and I sold it a few months later, because I was losing money left and right and I knew I was not going to solve it. I easily could have, but somehow my body didn't even want to put all the receipts in an excel file. I couldn't do any bookkeeping, was paying my 2 employees and external companies late every time. And as usual I was planning to do so many things in my head, but the project currently needed attention would not get even the smallest degree of it. So now I'm here, in my apartment, with no one, afraid to even still meet with my best friends, because i just screw up everything and I'm so ashamed. I'm afraid to talk about things, because I feel like I'm not worthy. I good looking, but I'm getting older by the stress fast. I have a beautiful girlfriend, but she has an amazing career, and kind of thought the same of me when she saw I had money and had an engineering degree. She has the idea of getting married soon, getting kids etc. The only thing I'm thinking about again is when should I end it so I will not hurt myself or her to much and then to fix myself. Which of course will never happen.
History repeats itself and gets old really quick. In the end I will be an old sad man alone in an apartment spending my last euro's till I run out and will be send to a home for old people to die. Sorry for my extreme pessimism. I'm not a guy just crying in a corner. I just feel like I tried everything, I read a lot, I also tried a bit of CBT, but maybe the problem was that I didn't really believe in it. But I can't manage myself to do anything.
=====> And the reason for this is the main problem, executive functioning disorder. I can't organize things in my head. Let's say this was my to do list today => 1) Brain surgery 2) Eat fruit 3) Put out the trash 4) Pay bills. In my brain all these things get the same value, even if I put it in a todo list, somehow it completely clouds my judgement and mind when I have a few dozen small tasks I need to do over the week and 2 or 3 long term goals. They just can't seem to get organized so that I can't work on each of them for a correct amount of time. But I just give up then, because the stress makes me feel so bad, I just lay on my bed hoping it would pass by, which it does after a few hours, but then the day is almost over and then I stress about that and you know how it ends..
The same thing can be with something easy as my bathroom routine, everything comes at me at the same time x) brush teeth x) shower x) shave x) etc. It all gets the exact same value and order number as the next. So my brain tells me I need to do all these things a the same time. So it freaks me out, I avoid it etc.
Anyway, I'm sure I forget tons of things, but I'm dead tired, and it took me a lot of willpower to finally register and write this.
I will be extremely thankful for anyone giving any kind of direction or tips on what to do, because I really no longer know. I'm just so done with it all. Although I won't give up till i fall dead. But I don't want that to happen
Re: Looking for help
I think you have more issues than executive functioning issues and you will need help sorting this out. I think you are unable/unlikely to take action unless forced/stressed to, so you will have to force yourself initially. I would start out by finding someone you deeply respect and whose judgement you trust (priest, rabbi, minister, Doc, Relative...). Talk to them, explain your situation and ask for help to figure out the first steps to take. These people will help you to keep perspective and help you to analyze your situation. They also have contacts for people best suited to help you. If no one comes to mind, start with your favorite physician, explain the situation and ask him/her to recommend a psychiatrist and get their help making an appointment.
I would also prepare a list to make it easier for you to communicate your problems well. Starting with your post, I would organize a list; Your general history, problems/symptoms, negative impacts they have had on your life, attempts you have made to address these problems, and outcomes. I believe this type of list will help you and whomever you talk to get started and make it easier if you want to do some research on your own. Good Luck and Hope This Helps, -LN
Re: Looking for help
I copied and pasted my response from your other thread.
Re: Looking for help
Caviar, Both Little Nut and SarahSweets have given you excellent advice. My sympathies go out to you. You're suffering and it's got to be rough on you. Just know this, what you're dealing with can be treated if you're willing to follow the counsel of a mental health professional.
My first thought/reaction is that you are dealing with severe ADHD (inattention, low motivation, procrastination, forgetfulness). But some disorders such as depression, anxiety, and bipolar disorder can mimic the symptoms of ADHD. For example, you may be so depressed that you don't have the interest or energy to do even the simplest of things so you procrastinate, or the depression causes you to forget (or even pay attention) to do things because your mind is occupied with other thoughts stemming from the depression. You can have depression and not even know you have "depression".
I would find a mental health professional and give to him/her a summarized version of your post here. Let them read it and talk with them about it. Before you meet with them do a little self analysis. Educate yourself, ask yourself if you're feeling depressed, abnormally worried and anxious, or do your moods swing from highs to lows? Read up about depression and anxiety disorders and bipolar disorder. Do you have many of the same symptoms that you read? Then talk about it all with your doctor.
Maybe it comes down to you're just suffering from severe ADHD. But know that taking care of depression and/or anxiety disorders or bipolar disorder are far and away more important to address now than later.
Go see a doctor (a psychiatrist) as soon as possible to get the help you need. Good luck.
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