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-   -   new to dating a guy with ADD, confused (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=195097)

frommyfriend 06-12-19 04:40 PM

I am a 38 year old woman dating a 32 old man. We have been dating for the last 9 months. He has ADD and does take adderall. However, he also abuses pot, alcohol and xanax. He has no job and sleeps on friends couches. He is very erratic about responding to texts. Will frequently make plans with me and then ditch me without any communication. He will go days without contacting me or responding to a text. He does have his good moments. He is sweet, kind, supportive and affectionate. I would say there is definitely a pattern of behavior. Most recently he ignored my texts for days. I did call him out on that (nicely) and told him that the silence kills me and that I like him and being with him but he needed to decide if he wants to continue to date me or end it. He responded with an apology. He said he was dealing with family issues (though I believe he tells white lies sometimes to get out of trouble) and that he likes me and is sorry and wants to continue to date me. He wanted to meet in person to talk. I agreed and we set up a time the next day. However he did not meet me nor did he call. We were supposed to meet Monday night and I have not heard from him. I have not reached out either. My question is, is this the ADD or is a just a jerk? Should I try to reach out and try to continue the relationship or give up? Sorry lost and sad :(

sarahsweets 06-14-19 12:12 AM

Re: new to dating a guy with ADD, confused
 
I think you have your answer based on his behavior. You do not need to understand why he is like this, just accept it at face value. You are not his priority. If he is an addict he will keep abusing substances until the consequences and pain is too great. And he will make you miserable while doing it.

Greyhound1 06-14-19 08:01 PM

Re: new to dating a guy with ADD, confused
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by frommyfriend (Post 2019140)
I am a 38 year old woman dating a 32 old man. We have been dating for the last 9 months. He has ADD and does take adderall. However, he also abuses pot, alcohol and xanax. He has no job and sleeps on friends couches. He is very erratic about responding to texts. Will frequently make plans with me and then ditch me without any communication. He will go days without contacting me or responding to a text. He does have his good moments. He is sweet, kind, supportive and affectionate. I would say there is definitely a pattern of behavior. Most recently he ignored my texts for days. I did call him out on that (nicely) and told him that the silence kills me and that I like him and being with him but he needed to decide if he wants to continue to date me or end it. He responded with an apology. He said he was dealing with family issues (though I believe he tells white lies sometimes to get out of trouble) and that he likes me and is sorry and wants to continue to date me. He wanted to meet in person to talk. I agreed and we set up a time the next day. However he did not meet me nor did he call. We were supposed to meet Monday night and I have not heard from him. I have not reached out either. My question is, is this the ADD or is a just a jerk? Should I try to reach out and try to continue the relationship or give up? Sorry lost and sad :(

Welcome to the forum! Hes lucky to have a woman like you who cares enough to research his condition to better understand him. The fact hes abusing pot, alcohol and Xanax makes answering your question improbable. Getting his abuse issues under control has to be the first step.

The most caring thing you can do is to help, encourage and support him getting sober. If hes not ready then its probably time to move on or be prepared for things to only get worse.

Good luck with things and best wishes.

20thcenturyfox 06-17-19 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frommyfriend (Post 2019140)
My question is, is this the ADD or is a just a jerk? Should I try to reach out and try to continue the relationship or give up? Sorry lost and sad :(


I hate to see anyone go through this, or accept this kind of treatment.

But just to address the question you ask, I think I can make out a few indications of ADHD in your description, but they seem to me to be far outweighed by ordinary immature, irresponsible or addictive behaviour that anyone without ADHD could also display.

By no means does everyone with ADHD behave this way.

Finally, in looking for a "medical" explanation for ordinary shabby behaviour, could it be you are too compassionate for your own good?

frommyfriend 06-17-19 08:11 PM

Re: new to dating a guy with ADD, confused
 
Thank you everyone for replying. I have been speaking to a therapist as well as this forum and she agree with everything that has been said. It is a dead end relationship with a dead beat. That is so difficult to hear. I wanted to think the best in him. I thought I saw potential if I could just hang in there. And the good times were so much fun that I didn't want it to be over. I ended it a few days ago and he said he wanted to talk only to ditch me again. So I tonight finally completely ended.


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