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-   -   If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=193841)

Jacksper 11-05-18 07:02 PM

If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
It's hard to face your own weaknesses and failures. It has been for me, I have tried for decaded, but I have never been as brutally honest and vulnerable as I have been now.

I do this, because I lost the girl of my dreams, and perhaps it was only a dream and it was not meant to be, but it struck me so hard that I saw that I was lying to myself, that I was working hard to become someone who I did not want to be. Someone who was successful, but had deep issues inside, who I tried to hide. However, I also wanted to be open to her about it, which made it very confusing to her.

Having lost her, I went on to work on myself. First to win her back, but now to win myself back.

I am, for the first time in my life, willing to stare deep into the abyss and see all the ugly and painful things that have happened in my life, and that I still carry with me in my behavior, emotions and thought patterns. I have a therapist, who I see almost every week, to guide me through this process, but it's so positive.

To anyone reading this, I just want to say: don't waste years, but find some stability and start being your real self. Deal with your issues. Don't deny them. It's ok to have problems in your life and to not be perfect, but just focus on growing.

It's painful at first to face your dark side, and you may be afraid to be open about it, but if others don't allow you to be you, then you should not worry about them, it's your life. Often, at least that's what I hope (and experience), others will respect you for being vulnerable and, though they may not understand you at first, they will admire you afterwards for what you have done.

Many people never dare to face the truth and they let their issues remain, and get worse and worse, for their whole lives. And this is a tragedy, because these issues may be very small at first, but they become large as time passes.

To finish off, I'd like to say that it's true that the abyss stares back into you if you dare to gaze into it, it's terrifying to see all the imperfection inside of yourself, but if you just keep gazing (and taking positive steps), you will become stronger and become a better and truer version of yourself.

Jacksper 11-07-18 07:05 PM

Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
Having been gazing in this abyss for a while, I have learnt a lot and I have indeed grown stronger. But I also feel very sad, empty, stressed out, guilty, ashamed, overwhelmed and exhausted. The abyss did indeed look back at me, with it's deadly gaze.

But now it's time for a 2 week break. If I feel the need to explore anything from my past or any other hard stuff, fine, then I will sit down and do it. But I will encourage myself to make every day as fun and meaningful as it can be for the coming two weeks. Let's look for all the little things that make life worth living!

My therapist gave me no homework, she said it was not necessary in the process. I think she sees that I can use a break. I have written like 25000 words of reflection in the past week, and have been thinking about it almost constantly, with small breaks in between (mostly for working or doing exercise). I have taken a lot of positive steps forward and it's time to reap the benefits. Let's dive into the real, present world again, with less bagage, let's see what it's like. I want to enjoy exercising way too much, having fun and connecting with people, perhaps I get a girlfriend, playing guitar, finding enjoyment in my work again and slowly but surely organizing some parts of my life that are not too demanding.

After the two weeks, I will go back to exploring the dark corners of my soul. Hopefully with fresh energy and a stronger motivation - that there is not just darkness that I want to get rid of, but a beautiful light that I want to walk towards.

Vrantic 11-10-18 10:01 AM

Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
When I discovered my dark side I found it quite addictive tbh. I was scared of what im able to do and it felt like a river of power flowing in me. However i got away from that very quickly because i dont want to be this way. At least thats how i felt when i was "there". Also having a near death experience i got no fear of dying. But I can assure you, its always worth to search for the light, and not rarely this way is most the harder one but more rewarding in the end. And its always the right way to go. Never stare too long in the abyss since you also shouldnt stare too long into (sun)light, both will hurt you bad.

stef 11-11-18 12:49 PM

Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jacksper (Post 2009952)

To anyone reading this, I just want to say: don't waste years, but find some stability and start being your real self. Deal with your issues. Don't deny them. It's ok to have problems in your life and to not be perfect, but just focus on growing.

This is brilliant advice. I spent over 45 years trying to be various versions of a person that I assumed others rightly thought I should be. and it became beyond distressing when those opinions conflicted. That just doesn't work.


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