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-   -   If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=193841)

Jacksper 11-05-18 07:02 PM

If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
It's hard to face your own weaknesses and failures. It has been for me, I have tried for decaded, but I have never been as brutally honest and vulnerable as I have been now.

I do this, because I lost the girl of my dreams, and perhaps it was only a dream and it was not meant to be, but it struck me so hard that I saw that I was lying to myself, that I was working hard to become someone who I did not want to be. Someone who was successful, but had deep issues inside, who I tried to hide. However, I also wanted to be open to her about it, which made it very confusing to her.

Having lost her, I went on to work on myself. First to win her back, but now to win myself back.

I am, for the first time in my life, willing to stare deep into the abyss and see all the ugly and painful things that have happened in my life, and that I still carry with me in my behavior, emotions and thought patterns. I have a therapist, who I see almost every week, to guide me through this process, but it's so positive.

To anyone reading this, I just want to say: don't waste years, but find some stability and start being your real self. Deal with your issues. Don't deny them. It's ok to have problems in your life and to not be perfect, but just focus on growing.

It's painful at first to face your dark side, and you may be afraid to be open about it, but if others don't allow you to be you, then you should not worry about them, it's your life. Often, at least that's what I hope (and experience), others will respect you for being vulnerable and, though they may not understand you at first, they will admire you afterwards for what you have done.

Many people never dare to face the truth and they let their issues remain, and get worse and worse, for their whole lives. And this is a tragedy, because these issues may be very small at first, but they become large as time passes.

To finish off, I'd like to say that it's true that the abyss stares back into you if you dare to gaze into it, it's terrifying to see all the imperfection inside of yourself, but if you just keep gazing (and taking positive steps), you will become stronger and become a better and truer version of yourself.

Jacksper 11-07-18 07:05 PM

Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
Having been gazing in this abyss for a while, I have learnt a lot and I have indeed grown stronger. But I also feel very sad, empty, stressed out, guilty, ashamed, overwhelmed and exhausted. The abyss did indeed look back at me, with it's deadly gaze.

But now it's time for a 2 week break. If I feel the need to explore anything from my past or any other hard stuff, fine, then I will sit down and do it. But I will encourage myself to make every day as fun and meaningful as it can be for the coming two weeks. Let's look for all the little things that make life worth living!

My therapist gave me no homework, she said it was not necessary in the process. I think she sees that I can use a break. I have written like 25000 words of reflection in the past week, and have been thinking about it almost constantly, with small breaks in between (mostly for working or doing exercise). I have taken a lot of positive steps forward and it's time to reap the benefits. Let's dive into the real, present world again, with less bagage, let's see what it's like. I want to enjoy exercising way too much, having fun and connecting with people, perhaps I get a girlfriend, playing guitar, finding enjoyment in my work again and slowly but surely organizing some parts of my life that are not too demanding.

After the two weeks, I will go back to exploring the dark corners of my soul. Hopefully with fresh energy and a stronger motivation - that there is not just darkness that I want to get rid of, but a beautiful light that I want to walk towards.

Vrantic 11-10-18 10:01 AM

Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
When I discovered my dark side I found it quite addictive tbh. I was scared of what im able to do and it felt like a river of power flowing in me. However i got away from that very quickly because i dont want to be this way. At least thats how i felt when i was "there". Also having a near death experience i got no fear of dying. But I can assure you, its always worth to search for the light, and not rarely this way is most the harder one but more rewarding in the end. And its always the right way to go. Never stare too long in the abyss since you also shouldnt stare too long into (sun)light, both will hurt you bad.

stef 11-11-18 12:49 PM

Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jacksper (Post 2009952)

To anyone reading this, I just want to say: don't waste years, but find some stability and start being your real self. Deal with your issues. Don't deny them. It's ok to have problems in your life and to not be perfect, but just focus on growing.

This is brilliant advice. I spent over 45 years trying to be various versions of a person that I assumed others rightly thought I should be. and it became beyond distressing when those opinions conflicted. That just doesn't work.

Jacksper 12-11-18 12:18 AM

Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
I just re-read this whole thread, a month after writing it, and it's very interesting to read. I see that I learned important lessons when I wrote it, and I have continued on this path to self-acceptance and healing since then.

This gives me hope, because I clearly see that I made progress in this short time period. I feel better about myself, act a bit more confidently, have opened up to dating, am learning that it's ok not to be perfect and I communicate better with people. Everywhere I see a lot of need to grow further, but I trust that I will.

The thing is, I am in a relationship now (and I don't want to ruin it by becoming an emotional mess again, and instead I want to be confident and open), my employer starts to demand that I become more independent and stable and finally my own standards of my behavior towards friends and people in general is starting to increase (because I am more aware of my influence on others and I want to be a positive person, and at the same time I want to have a good reputation with others, not to be the one who is struggling all the time).

Or, to put it differently, I don't want to feel and act like a loser. I have discovered with my therapist that I have this image of myself, and I have also learned this idea is influencing me, and that it is not true. Sure, I am failing at some areas, but at others I am being very courageous, skilled, disciplined, wise and/or talented. So, the thing is, I am not a loser, but I think, feel and act like one at times, because of my beliefs about myself.

Talking with my therapist and writing (such as I am doing now) helps me let go of this belief and this in turn helps me develop a more positive self-image.

At the same time, changing the way I act (and speak), challenging the thoughts that I have and learning to become more aware of my feelings (and not letting them rule me, but just being aware) helps me grow in confidence as well.

One reason that I write this post is that I desperately want this process to go on as quickly as it can for the above mentioned reasons, most importantly that I want it to go well with my date and I don't want my personal challenges to ruin it. However, if I want that to happen then it certainly helps that I write and reflect as I do now, but I should not be to strict on myself and I should let go of the outcome with the girl, and instead just relax and try to enjoy the moments that we have.

That increases my chances of things working out with this girl, and it is just healthy if I keep the main focus on taking good care of myself and learning self-love/acceptance, instead of external things such as a relationship that has barely started. I mean, I will have to live with myself for the rest of my life, and no one is going to give me everything I need if I don't first value myself.

I look forward to our next date on Saturday, and in the meantime I will take good positive steps forward. This is what I have in mind (not just for this week, but gradually in the coming period:

- Dealing with all the little practical problems that bug me (unpaid bills, chaos at home, etc). I feel quite ashamed for procrastinating some of these, but if I tackle these things, then I will feel proud, and rightly so, and I can move on to bigger and better challenges.
- I will start cooking again, first once per week, but then more often. It will make me feel good that I take care of myself in this way, and that I know how to cook (it's been a while).
- I want to plan my time better.
- Sharing less things with people. I wrote about it in another thread.
- Daily meditation
- Acting more confidently
- Writing in a journal
- Exercising (semi)daily
- Becoming more organized, calm and focused (and professional in general) at work
- Practicing gratitude
- Working on my inner issues with my therapist (and in my journal)
- Having fun with friends and by myself
- Relaxing by myself (reading, watching series)

Drogheda98 12-11-18 06:19 PM

Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
 
there is an alternative to this narrative. "when you stare into the abyss the abyss stares back at you, but if you take the plunge into the abyss you change"

kind of like the quote from, churchhill I think, "if you are going through hell, keep going" Jordan Peterson also has a quote about the abyss "lok into the abyss for long enough, and you will find yourself (I think he said father)"

the persona, or the masks we were as people to integrate into society (I call these masks hats) is the ego formation of what we as people can do.

for example, I can say "I'm a musician" which is a mask because well, just like everyone I'm a human so therefore I can say otherwise " I'm just a guy that likes to play the guitar". I would say for you jacksper, relaxing some of these masks (and they are kind of tricky to figure out by yourself) is probably key too. such as you aren't a looser, you are just a human that sometimes feels like a looser because alll humans are capable at feeling like a looser (why is a question to ask yourself)

the psychological process (what do you want, what are you doing, how is it working for you, it's working" is the process of trusting self. you say the above three lines, outloud (ego statment goes in(I, behavior, enguage in behavior) the middle, ala the becoming centered). the "you" in all of that goes into the thinking that the super ego is like, held above the preconcious and subconcious (or looks into the I and the it statement).

you engage in the process with those behaviors that you want to become better at, while at the same time, don't enguage in the process with behaviors you want to, ehh, withdraw from.

thus the behavior change begins gaining traction over time while you start trusting self more, something I think is kind of hard from a societal view, for everyone with adhd.


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