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Drogheda98 01-12-20 03:45 PM

Today my Best friend died.
 
1 Attachment(s)
woke up at ten, my father came into my room and told me Austin Sanders had been killed in a car wreck. mods edit that name out if you want, right now I don't much care for any rules.

He was my best friend, we played in a band together for 2 years, touring, Him and I were inseparable, going all the way back to when I was an actor at the shephard of the hills.I became close friends with him and his family, they called us the dynamic duo

for a time we shared all of our experiences together, for like 10 years, then I stopped seeing him for several years cause of therapy. I'm not blaming therapy just, I wish I could have that time back. I'm processing this as best as I can. I've never known anybody in my life who has died this close to me

we where going to play guitars again, now he's playing guitars with the legends in the stars. he' live on in me and those he loved and loved him.

this is what the quintessential of life looks like, I was never lying about the guitar thing, I've got to contact some friends we know from actual touring bands.

god I loved him, as a best friend, as the closest person in my life, and I'll never be able to say that to him now

what anything the last week has taught me is, take every moment in, leave nothing for granted. I attached my ego to the statment allreaddy in my head, it's more for you all. cause the most precious stuff (people aren't stuff but emotions are hitting hard right now) can be taken away.

this is one of the best people anyone could ever know, my deer friend, Austin Sanders, his image deserves to be shared.

namazu 01-12-20 04:04 PM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
Drogh, I'm very sorry for your loss.

Drogheda98 01-12-20 04:12 PM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
nam, do I just... cry my eyes out.

I can hear his voice in my head, flashes of memory every second are rushing in.

Rebelyell 01-12-20 05:45 PM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
I'm sorry to hear that drogheda..yes it's alright to cry..I lost my best friend in October 2018,who understood me as he had mental health issues as well..sadly he drank himself to death n I found out from a co worker..I knew him for 13 years.i understand what your feeling n I'm sorry

midnightstar 01-12-20 07:07 PM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
I'm so sorry to hear this, Drogheda :( :grouphug:

stef 01-13-20 02:54 AM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
wo sorry for your loss :grouphug:

Lunacie 01-13-20 09:32 AM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda98 (Post 2022875)
nam, do I just... cry my eyes out.

I can hear his voice in my head, flashes of memory every second are rushing in.

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve. Just your way.

Yeah, this kind of loss really sucks. I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

Daniel1970 01-13-20 07:26 PM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
Aww man, I'm sorry Drogh. As a musician myself, I count my old bandmates as some of my very best friends. I've lost friends that I've played music with, but not any bandmates or best friends, so I'm not sure I know exactly how you feel. I hope you find some solace from all the affection you are finding here on addf, and I'm happy you were able to honor his memory here with us.

Daniel

namazu 01-13-20 11:50 PM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda98 (Post 2022875)
nam, do I just... cry my eyes out.

I can hear his voice in my head, flashes of memory every second are rushing in.

Yeah, as others have said, grieve as you need to. Cry if you need to. Punch pillows if you need to. Make incredible music if it helps you express your emotions and honor Austin. Whatever you need.

How are you doing today?

:grouphug:

daveddd 01-14-20 12:22 AM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
sorry bud looks like fun guy

Drogheda98 01-14-20 01:31 AM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by namazu (Post 2022918)
Yeah, as others have said, grieve as you need to. Cry if you need to. Punch pillows if you need to. Make incredible music if it helps you express your emotions and honor Austin. Whatever you need.

How are you doing today?

:grouphug:

I can walk, heh. I've been able to smile a few times.

the waves of bereavement and the odd associative triggers have been completely devastating at times, some our like, 120 foot waves to my vessel using the boat analogy. I bought an impossible burger after class cause I'm trying to get in shape and the impossible burger is a vegie burger.

I cried my eyes out and the floor was covered in spittle before I took my first bight cause it's impossible for me to actually see him again. so those are rough time, and those weird associative triggers, the glitches in the matrix as it were, I have no means of predicting them, just to accept their are going to be these waves coming out of nowhere at times. other times, I just cry out his name.

the common thread amongst most the people connected to him has been the same, and I just hit another glitche but... acceptence helped this time cause it wasn't a punch in the gut, cause Austin and I litterly did things other's deemed impossible, spending time with literal rock stars, heh, I think I'm going to start a memory thread

anyway another close friend wrote on facebook how he'd watched a bizarre movie cause we all sort of have that proclivity for just, watching bad movies and, just figured out a movie we need to watch together rich and myself, anyway, he'd said how he'd wanted to call austin and tell him...

the walking into rooms without exactly knowing why is also a common thread amongst those I've talked too, the "there are no words" thing, another, I'm trying to figure the saying out cause I've said it too and heard the same from everybody that knew him.

I think the saying "there are no words" is almost, all of us who knew him saying "there are no words coming from him anylonger", which is about the most earie uncanny thing I've ever thought, that our representational maps of not only reality itself is but how groups are, that there is a common part of the brain, some deep circuit, and I'm guessing here trying to figure this all out myself, that's expecting words from him.

mostly though, when the waves hit I'm allowing myself to feel everything and to be completely in the moment, sometimes I'm dizzy afterwords, usually my brain shuts off for several moments afterwords

the other common thing is photo's, most of who I've talked to, and myself, just can't stop looking at his photo's.

it's my pshyche instructor who told me to feel every feel when the feels get bad, cause I talked to her for a good 30 minutes, we also went over perfection cause the notion just made sense to me, something the therapist I got to said to me at like the beginning of therapy 4 years ago

that we are all perfect like incalculable diamonds, doesn't matter skill or whatever else cause self and behavior are two different things. cause we have an incalculable value as humans, we can't be owned,

Lunacie 01-14-20 12:03 PM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
Yes Drougheda, feel the feels as they sweep over you.

But don't hold onto them. Let them wash over and then be gone.

I'm so glad you were able to remember some good stuff and laugh.

People who feel too guilty about smiling or laughing I think have a much harder
time processing the grief. The happy stuff is worth remembering.

Drogheda98 01-14-20 11:57 PM

Re: Today my Best friend died.
 
the weird triggers are, just weird.

today after ordering a bunch of shirts of that image for his family and some of his friends including myself, I can recall saying to the person on the other end.... ya... goodbuy, and I was floored. it's been a hell of a day here. I mean logicly, I knew exactly who I was talking to, emotionally, or like, some inner blind circuit, was saying goodbuy to him. after having dinner with my family and their friends, I could think of nothing to say, just stairing off, kept telling myself to say something, couldn't, just memory's flashing, on the car ride home I just yelled at the wind. funny thing though, I feel better.

every time I hit another wave I try to think of a good memory of him though.


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