ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community

ADD Forums - Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder Support and Information Resources Community (http://www.addforums.com/forums/index.php)
-   General ADD Talk (http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=13)
-   -   I can't change (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=191672)

Fuzzy12 05-15-18 06:11 PM

I can't change
 
I'm so tired of fighting myself all the time. Every moment there's this freaking thought in my head: "I must do better. I will do better."

I think I'm finally giving up hope. I can't change. I can't do better. I know now that I can't.

D should probably give up even wanting to to change. It's tiring and it's futile anyway. I'm.jist worried that I'gg up completely if I stop trying to change.

CAn anyone relate?
Aybe more importantly, how do you change? How do you stop yourself from doing the same things over and over though ulyou okow thstbstnsomeooijt

peripatetic 05-15-18 06:28 PM

Re: I can't change
 
hey fuzzy...i've felt like that before. i still feel like that in some ways. i can relate.

i think, for me, the only thing that brings about change is a level of immediate accountability. so, like, my going to therapy twice a week is something i have been supposed to do for ages, but it's only working that i'm doing it now because i get reminders and i've gotten to know the therapist and would feel badly if i just no showed on her. maybe a better example is with taking my medications. i ******* hate them. i hate everything about them except that they keep me out of the hospital and alive. and even that is debatable. but i had to restructure my morning so that i do it first thing before i even have time to think about it. i still struggle with this, but i've been treatment compliant for almost three months now, so i'm getting better--granted, a good month of that was in hospital, but you know what i mean.

i do think that there is something useful in identifying what to change and making something smaller than your goal, at least initially. there are lots of things about myself i would LOVE to change (most especially my having a psychotic disorder), but i can't change that. i can try to accept it. but that's also quite challenging for me.

i guess i'm saying i don't know the best way to change or even if real substantive change is possible long term, but i do think that there are things to direct energy toward and other things it's best to just learn to let go. i suspect that with you, there are several things you'd like to change, but maybe only a few where you could choose to direct your energy and work little by little to effect change over time.

i get being impatient and feeling like it's all futile anyway, though, too. xx

Greyhound1 05-15-18 08:26 PM

Re: I can't change
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 (Post 1995032)
I'm so tired of fighting myself all the time. Every moment there's this freaking thought in my head: "I must do better. I will do better."

I think I'm finally giving up hope. I can't change. I can't do better. I know now that I can't.

D should probably give up even wanting to to change. It's tiring and it's futile anyway. I'm.jist worried that I'gg up completely if I stop trying to change.

CAn anyone relate?
Aybe more importantly, how do you change? How do you stop yourself from doing the same things over and over though ulyou okow thstbstnsomeooijt

I can so relate to being my worst enemy. Constantly, trying to live up to that voice in my head is overwhelming and very stressful.

Give up on listening to and fearing that thought “I must do better. I will do better” if you somehow can. Obsessive thoughts like that cause anxiety and quilt.

Try making tiny positive changes without beating yourself up if you don’t succeed at them. Change takes time but stressing yourself from it causes burnout. How about baby steps and lowering your expectations?

mildadhd 05-15-18 08:35 PM

Re: I can't change
 
I can relate almost everyday since I semi reached "adulthood".

Recently I decided not to try and change, take the medication and got a union job washing dishes and bussing tables.

And for the last month as I wipe the crumbs off the tables, I noticed I have felt so happy keeping things simple.

Then the boss told me he wanted to promote me to second cook, and I have been distressed about it ever since.

I think I am going to tell him I just want to wash dishes and bus tables, even though I make 4 thousand of dollar less a year.

I also always wanted to go to university but always get completely overwhelmed after thinking about changing.

But when I wash tables and bus tables, I feel very confident if I take just one course, I could do it, one course at a time.

I recently told this to a friend and the friend said, "what are you going to do when you finished university"

And I replied, " I do not have a plan."

And my friend replied, "you must have a plan"

I said, "I do not need to know what I am going to do"

And we both laughed.

Thanks Fuzzy12 for the remindfulness.

(The next university courses do not start until the fall)

So I am going to sign up for just one online course that I have been wanting to take for a couple of years at the Neufeld Institute right now.





M

psychopathetic 05-15-18 09:45 PM

Re: I can't change
 
I relate Fuzzy.

Know that no matter what happens...I wont judge you. I wont frown upon you. You don't have to be anything more than you are.
Though you may consider yourself a loser and a failure.
You aren't either to me. That's for damned sure.

I only wish you didn't feel such guilt and self hatred. These are feelings I bare for myself like you all to often.

(((((((Fuzzy)))))))

I wish 1on1 counseling was better over there across the pond.
That's what I'm doing. I actually set my appointments up just today. I'm going to see a therapist once a week, specifically to work on these sorts of doubts and fears. I want a job SO f'ing badly Fuz :(...but I just KNOW I'll only quit soon after getting it. Cause that's who I am and I've not changed after all these years. I'm a quitter. A loser.
I'm hoping a therapist can help me change these negative thoughts towards myself...maybe that will help me?

I'm sorry Fuzzy.
I'm not sure why. I just am. For many reasons I guess.

:(

PoppnNSailinMan 05-15-18 09:59 PM

Re: I can't change
 
Yeah, it is hard to change. After I finally decided to try a stimulant for my ADHD again about nine months ago, I thought that this was going to fix everything. But it's still been pretty difficult to change old habits and patterns of doing things and ways of thinking about things.

My doctor has encouraged me to get more feedback from others so that I can more accurately tell where I'm making improvements and where I'm not. So, my partner came with me to my appointment with my therapist about a month ago, and he brought up some of the same old ADHD things that I sometimes do that have been a problem in the past. I somehow imagined that I had made more progress on those than had in fact been the case and I felt kind of discouraged afterwards. But everything wasn't all bad. He had also seen significant improvements in other smaller things, and that gave me a little hope.

LyrinMeow 05-15-18 11:57 PM

Re: I can't change
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by psychopathetic (Post 1995044)
I wish 1on1 counseling was better over there across the pond.
That's what I'm doing. I actually set my appointments up just today. I'm going to see a therapist once a week, specifically to work on these sorts of doubts and fears. I want a job SO f'ing badly Fuz :(...but I just KNOW I'll only quit soon after getting it. Cause that's who I am and I've not changed after all these years. I'm a quitter. A loser.
I'm hoping a therapist can help me change these negative thoughts towards myself...maybe that will help me?
(

Good progress! I'm glad you are going to a counselor. Good luck!

How do you change? Slowly. Step by step. I went from completely non functioning to what I've been told is "successful" in a normal sense. But it certainly wasn't overnight. It took a year and a half just to get myself stable enough to progress. And I still need med adjustments from time to time.

And be prepared! I have done my ADA paperwork at my place of employment which secures my job if I get locked up again. I'm winning the battle at the moment but I know there may come a time when I am not. I need that safety net so I don't lose everything.

Also, get used to getting out of your comfort zone. You don't make changes by staying in your comfort zone. You can always come back to it when you need to but don't just stay there! The farther you can go, the better. I'm afraid of heights so I went skydiving. This summer I may go back to working on my certification for it. Was out last year because of an injury (from a skydiving accident actually). Get out there. Do things. Push boundaries. And stay stubborn. Never give up on yourself. The only thing stopping you is you.

Drogheda 05-16-18 12:23 AM

Re: I can't change
 
I can relate to this.

sometimes we do need the rest. remember that thing that you did and loved when you where ten? do that. maybe take a week off and just do that.

there is always hope, I remember battling myself, I don't anymore. my thoughts are my own and when I have a combined thought I start to notice and retrace where it came from. but therapy freaking changes lives man.

I got a few tips you could try: differentiate. think of this thought like this, ever take a drink of Pepsi and expect dr pepper? it's like a swirl of chaos in your mouth until you look and see that you drinking pepsi, then bham, you taste pepsi. in our lives we know what pepsi and dr pepper tastes like, part of that is the look or the bottle and words associated, part of that is the taste, part of that is social cues(everything tastes like chicken), then you have the smell, water/ice content. I mean there is a lot going on with a pepsi product. if one thing is out of order, say it's watered down or a bit flat, we notice, immediately.

there is a lot going on with a can of Pepsi, and the reason that is is that there is a lot going on with us. somewhere down the line we made value calls on a personal level about a can of pepsi, the design, the taste, the smell. I have a friend who loves flat pepsi, I mean... thats HIS thing not MY thing.we put emotion into the taste (ahh man that's crisp) the smell, the carbonation. that came from each persons own preference and conscious choice, we just,one day pulled out of almost thin air this prefrence, what we really did was pull what was unconscious, conscious. each of those subroutines, what is a subroutine, I can go to google and find out and bring order to chaos.

then we just end up with a can of pepsi we can enjoy (not getting paid by pepsi). all the subroutines are in place, all our emotion in tact.

but it's up to the person (you and me) to actually do this, I can't do this for you without creating some sort of echo.

a task list is very similar. for me, just the name is boring, action plan is the way to go for me. I invest a bit of myself into the act of creating a plan for myself, emotional investment. I love video games and kung fu movies, did some kenpo back in the day (still want to get back with that), so that is where my emotional attachment comes from and I write it down (the act of writing is a direct pipeline to our memory), I then break the action plan down into steps. simple and precise steps cause I don't my imagination taking flight and get a dopamine hit from just creating a plan for the day. CLEAN: Desk, Floor, Bed. I then have in my head those three things to clean, it doesn't matter how much stuff is on the desk, I just clean what is on the desk. I then check it off, and THAT is the dopamine hit. at the end of the day, I post what I did and elaborate, post down my thoughts and feelings of just doing this thing, I have to be honest if it was harder than I thought or easier, honesty is the only way to break any chains.

the thing about differentiating is we start conceptualizing order among the chaos. just like the can of pepsi analogy, we start creating a hierarchy or systems, we start to see what that looks like. with righting a bit about the experience of cleaning, how we felt after etc... we put in our own emotional investment into cleaning. I used to suck at cleaning, now, I'm pretty decent at it after just a bit a few weeks, I actually enjoy it sometimes.

what we don't do in creating these hierarchical systems is put in "cleaning, desk, floor, pet the dog, bed". in creating a system we start to realize what order really is, and then we can put those systems in place elsewhere. I started to realize how important post it notes are, so I went and got a lot of them, I started realizing how important organization is (pencils go here, paper goes there, trash goes there). I started challenging myself and stepping up to the plate, still am.

once we start ingraining a hierarchy into our bones so to speak, we...start to organize ourselfs. our wants, needs, beliefs, relationships. we can then also start doing that with people, separating our beliefs from other's. I tend to be really empathetic in person, so this really helps. that's not stonewalling, that's individuation.

another thing you might try is incorporating something important to you in daily life with tasks that aren't really pleasant. for classes that aren't my cup of tea (accounting, ugh) I can (and have) written why accounting is important for my future (I need the degree). however, people with ADHD tend to be rather creative. I love music, playing, learning, listening. when I clean I listen to a certain type of music, when I study I listen to a certain type of music. I'm not 100% sure, but I think that keeps my dopamine drip from music going while doing a task that doesn't provide any.

one more thing I can recommend. stay away from certain words. for instance, for you I think staying away from the phrases "I must do better. I will do better." will drastically help. certain words for me are weighted no matter how positive they sound, they are chained to something in my past, whenever I say them I....dip....in time but the problem is, I dip so far back in time I don't know what is chaining them(the visual cue from typical projection isn't there), hopefully one day I will figure that out, but I'm ok for now.

however, I do want to point this out " D should probably give up even wanting to to change", I don't think you are fighting yourself, I think you are fighting D , it really sounds like he projected some toxins on you and you might be trying to fight an echo.

LyrinMeow 05-16-18 12:38 AM

Re: I can't change
 
I think we SHOULD expect better of ourselves. We should also learn to gracefully accept failure and use it's lessons for the next applicable moment.

I think these should be reasonable things. Sadly, I had to give up on my career in modeling. :lol: So keep it relevant and positive. Things like "I can do better" are fine I supposed. But you need to be specific and. "I can do better at washing the dishes every day". Or "I can add one serving of fruit to my lunch". And then you do your best. And I bet some days you nail it and some days you don't. Forgive yourself for failing and say it or write it again. Think what you could do to do better the next round. "I will do better at x by doing y as well" Then you can go onto harder topics as you keep track of your progress. As you grow in ability what you can do grows too.

There is no winning without failing.

tudorose 05-16-18 03:42 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Small wins. That's how. It's a work in progress. So take something simple like quit coffee. Over 2 months I've gone from about 5 cups to 1 cup a day. Some days I screw up. But I take the small wins.

Everything is harder without meds so baby steps.

Otherwise you end up overwhelmed trying to fix everything at once.

Fuzzy12 05-16-18 07:48 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Maybe the first thing I should change is writing unintelligible posts when I'm falling asleep. :D

Thanks so much for the replies guys. I actually found them super motivating. Yes, I can't stop trying to improve. I don't want to live like this. I don't want to get obesity related diseases in five years. I don't want to miss out on learning the things I find interesting. I don't want to do a sucky job.

Little changes but where to start? The most pressing is probably my health. I need to lose weight. What changes to make? What would I realistically be able to do? There are so many things I could do and each one of them seems top priority and each one of them requires some amount of will power, some amount of impulse control. Everything does, doesn't it?

And then there's my job. I'm already lagging behind. I already got a long to do list. I'm already being reminded to do stuff and do them quickly.

I am medicated. It helps me focus but nothing else.

I'm

Fuzzy12 05-16-18 07:56 AM

Re: I can't change
 
I'll reply properly later because there are some brilliant points in the replies that id like to discuss i just want to point out that in my OP when I said

"D should probably give up even wanting to to change. It's tiring and it's futile anyway. I'm.jist worried that I'gg up completely if I stop trying to change."

"D" is a typo. I meant I as in "I should probably give up even wanting to change. " :lol:

psychopathetic 05-16-18 08:46 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 (Post 1995081)
"D" is a typo. I meant I as in "I should probably give up even wanting to change. " :lol:

Oh for goodness sakes Fuzzy! :mad: What is wrong with you!!!
Can't you try a little harder?!!
GAWD!!! :doh:




....
:giggle:
Oh goodness I hope you know I'm joking! lol...I have a pretty strong allergy to being angry at my Fuzzy. Tongue swells up, face gets covered in hives, arms develop a rash... :p

sarahsweets 05-16-18 11:43 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 (Post 1995032)
I think I'm finally giving up hope. I can't change. I can't do better. I know now that I can't.

Fuzzy- DO you even need to change? Who says?

psychopathetic 05-16-18 11:46 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 1995101)
Fuzzy- DO you even need to change? Who says?

I wish I could give you +reps for this...but I gotta spread it around. :goodpost:

Drogheda 05-16-18 03:07 PM

Re: I can't change
 
the road to change is all about small steps and then falling on our ***:lol:

seriously, every ceo (well, the ones I have read) say the same thing. we, are almost by nature, warriors in this light (I'm a huge fan on the hunter/gatherer theory (in therapy was when I was introduced, but it's easy to find on google), when I accepted that and read about it, I started to connect the dots even further).

think about it, your goal, your PAVLOVS bell is to get better. THAT is in your bones and when you fell down, you remembered and got right back up. the theory can bring up thoughts of narcs(the reason I was so hesitant to accept the theory was because narcs are hunters too). a hunter, is just someone who is intrinsically motivated. think about it, the stuff you don't want to do, why is it is so hard to do those things, because you aren't intrinsically motivated to do them.

for me, it was starting to make emotional connections on why I wanted to do all the stuff on my action plan that where not intrinsic to me. think about this, when you are interested in something (and I could be assuming but the trend is pretty general in this case with adhd), it doesn't matter what obstacle is in front of us, we do it. ALL the stuff get's cleaned and I didn't worry about any of the stuff.

but in order to do that, without pulling out my own teeth, was start to make connections on why it was important to me or others. I did this in therapy, but it can easily be done with a piece of paper.

for me,(and I'm only using cleaning because it is relatively universal), I feel better about myself, calmer, more in control when my room is clean (and there is a pretty groovy psychological thing about that, google is your friend). Cleaning removes anxiety! I more able to concentrate on my colegework, I TALK more precisely (again the psychological deal). I get to see what organization looks like, that's a big thing for us, it get's down into our subconscious and we get better at, well organizing everything after awhile. I KNOW where everything is without having to put a mental marker on it (like when I go to walmart, I can sort of take an imaginative snapshot, works everytime).

what was the opposite side of the scale, I live in a chaotic room and feel like crap. it took some time, but eventually when all the dots where connected, I started cleaning, not the half ***** stuff, the "I will clean 30 minutes to an hour a day until this house is clean" stuff.

the scaled system works for pretty much everything else. replace live in chaos to lose 10 pounds and feel better about myself for instance. tie in your own strengths. when I started working out I did the same thing, I worried. hey I love science, so what did I do, I started talking biology and why exercising is so important to myself while I was doing it. it didn't take long for the worry to just go away.

I hear you on the task list though, it takes time to be able to actualy put one together for oneself when we have adhd (the priority thing). here is a suggestion, ask a friend to make one for you.

Fuzzy12 05-16-18 06:06 PM

Re: I can't change
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 1995101)
Fuzzy- DO you even need to change? Who says?

Yes, I need to change. I say so.

I'm officially obese now and I can feel how unfit I am. I get out of breath when playing with fuzzling. I get out of breath when climbing a single flight of stairs. I'm always tired. I'm so stiff in the morning when I wake up I need to hold on to the reiling to walk down the stairs. I am picking up every single infectious disease that fuzzling brings home from nursery. That's apart from my self esteem and self confidence that's absolutely shot because I look and feel so unattractive.

At work I'm just not cutting it. The meds are helping me focus but I only do the work I'm really interested in. I'm neglecting everything but programming. Also, I'm getting weirder and more asocial by the day. Once I dig myself too deeply into asocial mode I can't recover from that.

The house is in a constant state of mess. I don't want to.live like this (and hubby is already doing more than he can handle).

The saddest bit is probably that apart from looking after fuzzling I do very little in terms of interest. It's not that I don't have interests but I never seem to be able to muster the time or energy for them. Sometimes I really really crave doing something but then I think I'll.cjexk the news quickly and before I know it all my free time is exhausted.

LyrinMeow 05-16-18 08:23 PM

Re: I can't change
 
Everyone needs change. It's what helps you grow. It's what keeps you active and alive. That's not to say that anyone is a sh***y person. Just that people should always be moving and changing and challenging themselves. Accept who you are but continue to grow.

Don't think you should have done it and don't think that you will eventually do it. There is no yesterday. There is no tomorrow. There is only the present. Live in that. If you have a deep understanding of that it becomes easier. I might even suggest mindfulness practice.

If I sound Buddhist it's because I am, in fact, a secular Buddhist. :P

Need to drop weight? Keto. Almost 40 lbs in 3 months. I'm off it as of the moment but will be going back. You just really have to like eggs and bacon.

Have you been checked out for/diagnosed with depression? Common comorbidity.

Just coming out of one myself. My house is also a mess. I do what I can. Two 3 day weekends in a row. Woo! I'll get some cleaning done.

psychopathetic 05-16-18 09:52 PM

Re: I can't change
 
I guess I took Sweet's comment different then some of you. I didn't take it so literally...I took it more like she was saying something along the line of..."Hey look...you're only human, and you're lovely just the way you are. Don't let the pressure of other people make you feel like you have to be more than that."
I know that we need change...and that we do change whether we want to or not and blah blah. I just didn't take it so literally.

...
Lyrin...I'm starting to think you don't understand us ADD'ers. I don't think you seem to understand how hard it is for us to do what you keep telling us to do...to keep pushing ourselves and keep moving and striving to do more and all that.
We've been doing just that our entire lives. We've been treated like lazy imbociles our entire lives because it happens a LOT of people have the same opinions you have. That we just have to pick our heads up and try harder.
WE ARE TRYING HARDER DAMN IT! >:*(
It's not that we're lazy, it's not that we're not trying hard enough or that we're just not reaching hard enough.
We have a freaking disorder, and despite what you and so many others seem to believe...it's not our damned fault! We don't choose to be the way we are. To be so stuck this late into our lives.

...
I realize this post is going to upset some people.
I'm okay if a mod needs to delete it.
I'm not sure if I should be sorry or not? I'm a bit in a mood today.

LyrinMeow 05-16-18 10:39 PM

Re: I can't change
 
Changing for other people is no good but changing for yourself is growing.

I'm very aware of ADD. I have it. As does my son.

I also have BP, GAD, PTSD, and ASD. With a history of SI and 2 suicide attempts and I'll throw in some paranoid psychosis. And that's only the mental part. I don't go into details about that period (and by period i mean most of my life) so I don't accidentally trigger someone. Or myself for that matter.

I'm not telling you to do something I haven't already done. In fact I'm perfectly happy with people NOT doing exactly what I've done. Because I do crazy hardcore **** because I'm a lunatic. Maybe it's the ADD in me. But the philosophy is sound. I've read enough to hear these things said over and over and over again.

Small steps. Whatever you can manage. Just anything at all. A 10 minute CBT exercise. Read a few inspirational quotes. Do 5 dishes. Anything that gets you closer to where you want to be is great. But do it today, not tomorrow.

Maybe that means hitting rock bottom for some people. Or for something to click in their heads. It's the difference between trying to lose weight and actually losing weigh.

I was rock bottom. I was either going up or into a casket. My son cause me to choose my path.

Maybe it's a perspective thing. I was stuck in a life or death situation. It is not easy to come back from where I was. But I did. And it was absolute hell.

I certainly didn't choose my illnesses. But I have to make the best of the situation to the extent that I am able to.

I'm fairly certain no one on here knows how hard I fought to get to, and fight to stay where I currently am. I don't fault anyone for it.

But insofar as not understanding a mental illness, you're talking to the wrong person.

psychopathetic 05-16-18 11:19 PM

Re: I can't change
 
It's just you seem so opposite from most people I've met with ADHD-PI (ADD). Are you ADHD Hyperactive, or ADHD Predominantly Inattentive? Based on what I've read from you, I've been assuming you're hyperactive.

To be honest, a lot of my mixed feeling here are based on being jealous of you. I absolutely am jealous as hell of you. I've spent my entire life wishing and dreaming to be more like you. To be able to fight through my strugles and achieve even a fraction of what you have.
You follow a diet for the most part.
You exercise and run.
You do yoga.
You practice meditation and mindfulness.
You're teaching yourself a very complex language.
You've learned how to program computers (again, very difficult and complex).
You're a single mother.
You're holding on to a decent job you seem to enjoy for the most part.
You had a career in modeling.
You've skydived.
You've got a college degree.
You kayak.
You volunteer.
You can play and write music.

You've got more achievements that I'm aware of under your belt then anyone I've met on this site to be honest. And it does make me uncomfortable.
And you seem to have this "Just Do It!" attitude. And there's nothing wrong with that...it's an awesome attitude to have, a great idea to follow. You want something? Just do it! Get up and grab it!
Unfortunately...my just do it button in my head is broken.
But I don't think you can in any way understand that...and further I'm afraid that you only think I'm making an excuse for saying that. And who knows...maybe I am. It's a fear I've always had with my diagnosis...that it's just a way for me to excuse the fact that I'm just stupid and broken and lazy.

And I'm ignorant and judgmental and probably completely wrong...but I do feel like you can't possibly understand me and my ADD. You seem to be exactly the opposite of m e with this disorder. You're at one end of the spectrum, and I'm on the other.
Just as I can't relate to you and all your success and your drive...you can't understand me.

I don't dislike you. I'm just very intimidated and jealous.

tudorose 05-17-18 03:17 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Anyways..... back to Fuzzy. If all you can do is look after Fuzzling then that is enough. If you are on facebook start following Constance Hall. She lives in my state and is a huge source of support for struggling mums. If I hadn't packed her book I'd send it to you - but I have no idea where it is or anything else in my house for that matter.

As for weight I feel your pain. I lost a lot and have managed to put it all back on. Now trying to start again with the exercise and diet.

I dont know if anyone out there is actually coping with life least of all those of us with adhd. Don't be fooled into thinking anyone actually has their **** together.

Try look for the small wins but don't beat yourself up if you stuff up. Start really small like cut out one coffee or reduce your grain carbs for 1 meal a day. Do that for a week. Then that's a win and becomes the new normal.

Also. Exercise. Just take Fuzzling around the block every 2nd day. Then build up from there.

tudorose 05-17-18 03:25 AM

Re: I can't change
 
I've met one overachiever in real life with adhd. Single Mum, worked long hours, volunteered for stuff, managed projects, got promotions.

Was I jealous - hell yeah. I struggle to hold down a full time job and that's with the kids left home!!!

But it comes down to your measure of success. I try but I feel like nothing is good enough but that is my childhood conditioning rather than adhd.

I just work on the small wins coz that is literally all I am capable of.

Don't compare yourself to others. My measure of success is holding down a job but when my kids were at home my measure of success was making sure the kids were taken care of and prepared for life.

Some days just getting out of bed is an achievement!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by psychopathetic (Post 1995138)
It's just you seem so opposite from most people I've met with ADHD-PI (ADD). Are you ADHD Hyperactive, or ADHD Predominantly Inattentive? Based on what I've read from you, I've been assuming you're hyperactive.

To be honest, a lot of my mixed feeling here are based on being jealous of you. I absolutely am jealous as hell of you. I've spent my entire life wishing and dreaming to be more like you. To be able to fight through my strugles and achieve even a fraction of what you have.
You follow a diet for the most part.
You exercise and run.
You do yoga.
You practice meditation and mindfulness.
You're teaching yourself a very complex language.
You've learned how to program computers (again, very difficult and complex).
You're a single mother.
You're holding on to a decent job you seem to enjoy for the most part.
You had a career in modeling.
You've skydived.
You've got a college degree.
You kayak.
You volunteer.
You can play and write music.

You've got more achievements that I'm aware of under your belt then anyone I've met on this site to be honest. And it does make me uncomfortable.
And you seem to have this "Just Do It!" attitude. And there's nothing wrong with that...it's an awesome attitude to have, a great idea to follow. You want something? Just do it! Get up and grab it!
Unfortunately...my just do it button in my head is broken.
But I don't think you can in any way understand that...and further I'm afraid that you only think I'm making an excuse for saying that. And who knows...maybe I am. It's a fear I've always had with my diagnosis...that it's just a way for me to excuse the fact that I'm just stupid and broken and lazy.

And I'm ignorant and judgmental and probably completely wrong...but I do feel like you can't possibly understand me and my ADD. You seem to be exactly the opposite of m e with this disorder. You're at one end of the spectrum, and I'm on the other.
Just as I can't relate to you and all your success and your drive...you can't understand me.

I don't dislike you. I'm just very intimidated and jealous.


sarahsweets 05-17-18 04:12 AM

Re: I can't change
 
My question was more rhetorical than anything else.I know you say you need to change but doing it for anyone else other than yourself will lead to your own harsh self penalities.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 (Post 1995123)
Yes, I need to change. I say so.

I'm officially obese now and I can feel how unfit I am. I get out of breath when playing with fuzzling. I get out of breath when climbing a single flight of stairs. I'm always tired. I'm so stiff in the morning when I wake up I need to hold on to the reiling to walk down the stairs. I am picking up every single infectious disease that fuzzling brings home from nursery. That's apart from my self esteem and self confidence that's absolutely shot because I look and feel so unattractive.

At work I'm just not cutting it. The meds are helping me focus but I only do the work I'm really interested in. I'm neglecting everything but programming. Also, I'm getting weirder and more asocial by the day. Once I dig myself too deeply into asocial mode I can't recover from that.

The house is in a constant state of mess. I don't want to.live like this (and hubby is already doing more than he can handle).

The saddest bit is probably that apart from looking after fuzzling I do very little in terms of interest. It's not that I don't have interests but I never seem to be able to muster the time or energy for them. Sometimes I really really crave doing something but then I think I'll.cjexk the news quickly and before I know it all my free time is exhausted.


LyrinMeow 05-17-18 08:23 AM

Re: I can't change
 
I don't think you get it. I'm not a special snowflake. If I can do this anyone can. Most people don't but could. Like I said it took about a year and a half to get my medication right. And I'm still far from normal. But if I can do this you can get a job. That doesn't mean right this second. But you can get to that point. And for people who WANT to change they can. And I fully encourage people to change and test their limits to see how far they can go. And I've been trying to encourage people to change. And I apologize if that is offensive to you.

sarahsweets 05-17-18 09:47 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by LyrinMeow (Post 1995155)
I don't think you get it. I'm not a special snowflake. If I can do this anyone can. Most people don't but could. Like I said it took about a year and a half to get my medication right. And I'm still far from normal. But if I can do this you can get a job.

Actually thats not always the case and I say this respectfully....just because you have succeeded in spite of your mental health issues does not mean anyone can. I am on disability and have been for awhile. Between the bipolar and adhd and other stuff I am just unable to work- at least I was. i have been stable consistently for a few years so I am thinking of going back to school to teach high school. Thank God I have a bachelors because the program is only 2 years for certification vs another 4 years or a master's program.
But I am serious that up until recently there is no way I could have worked.

Quote:

That doesn't mean right this second. But you can get to that point. And for people who WANT to change they can. And I fully encourage people to change and test their limits to see how far they can go. And I've been trying to encourage people to change. And I apologize if that is offensive to you.
Encouraging change is good! Support and postive vibes help but saying that if someone wants something enough that they will be able to have it does a disservice to people that have serious impairments even though I know you mean no offense.

LyrinMeow 05-17-18 04:19 PM

Re: I can't change
 
I know a woman. Suffered from serious medication resistance. She has an implant. Vagus nerve? I don't recall. So she got her implant. Now she works 16 hours a week and is on disability. She owns her own home, she loves her job, she loves her friends, and she loves her life. She was actually given an award at a ceremony because of her significant improvements from when she first started treatment because she was non functional. You don't even have to work full time or get off disability. You can do both.

Its the concept of you can be whatever you want when you grow up. You can't just be anything. But you can be something. I understand non functional. If that is where you are then that is where you are. But take steps to get out. Don't stop fighting.

Again, maybe it is perspective but if I stop fighting I'm literally dead. I don't really have the choice not to anymore. As a mother I don't have that right.

There are people out there whose job it is to help you fight.

If you had told me I'd be where I am now 7 years ago I would have probably hit you. I'm sure if 7 years ago you'd be going back to school and looking at getting a job you wouldn't have believed me. But you were taking steps back then to get to where you are standing now. And I'd say most people CAN make that journey. I never said it would be easy or short. Or maybe all they can do is a clean house. If that's where you want to be then great. But work for quality of life. Whatever that means to you. I mentioned the job because someone else mentioned it. But if you really want a job then get a job. CEO or janitor, doesn't matter.

psychopathetic 05-17-18 05:22 PM

Re: I can't change
 
I think my reaction to you is probably ridiculous and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one around that has had any sort of negative reaction to you.

You mean well. More than just that though...I think you deeply care and deeply want better for people. You're being encouraging and supportive and trying to cheer people on...but I've some how twisted it all up in my mind. I do that sometimes :(.

I don't respond well with the whole "Just Do It!" attitude. I've dealt with that attitude my whole life and I struggle hard with just doing things a lot. I have a whole life worth of earnest attempts to just do it. To get up and grab life by the horns and to take charge.
It gets exhausting falling short time and again. And it's not that I'm not trying! I work my a** off! I put my entire being into doing it!! But dang...I don't know...I've accumulated a TON of fails in my life.
And I hate myself for it. And I hate not having a better answer for why. I don't like saying it's because I have a disorder...because I'm afraid people will think I'm only using it as an excuse.
But dang...
I do struggle with this disorder. It absolutely does hold me back. It doesn't push me like it seems to push you.

And you come along and you have all these major achievements and you're doing all these amazing things...and you tell me to just do it!
It's not that I'm quitting in life...I continue to push forward. I'm VERY slow though. I'm cautious. It's not freaking fun getting my hopes up on a major goal...just to fall short. It CRUSHES me and can take months to recover. Years even.

And I feel like I have to explain myself to you, or I'm afraid you'll think I'm just being lazy. Or bad. Like it's a flaw in my character. I'm just a weak person or something.

And I know you don't mean to come across like that AT ALL. It's just my damned brain mixing things all up. I'm projecting my own self doubts onto you...and that's not fair to you.

...
I haven't given up in life. I don't know why. I often wonder what it's going to take before I finally throw in that white towel.
But I'm still here...and I still think my future can be bright. I know what I want to do when I 'grow up'...and in fact I have little doubt that I can land a job doing what I love...my biggest fear right now, is staying with the job though.
And I am working on that. Been discussing it with a support group I'm a part of, and start seeing a therapist tomorrow to work specifically on these doubts and negative self-thinking.
I could jump head first into getting a job. "Just do it!"...but I really don't want to. I've had to live with myself my entire life. I know well enough that if I got a job right now, I'd VERY likely quit soon after.
I need to change my attitude...I need to believe in myself and I need to get to a point where I can forgive myself enough that I can give myself permission to succeed.
I'm slow.
And I wish I was doing more. I feel like a major bum right now in life. Have for a long time.
But I haven't given up. I still have hope in myself and my future yet.




...
I'm sorry Ly-Lys.

I'm not 100% sure why I've reacted to you in the ways I have. I do know that fear and envy play a major role in it though.
But it's SO not fair to you. It's ridiculous...in ways I'm judging you for being so successful...lol how dumb is that?
And I'm totally minimizing the amount of work and suffering and everything you've had to put into getting to where you are.

:(

I don't know. I confuse myself. I'm sorry for calling you out in the open like I have here. So not freaking fair to you...and damn it...you've been doing so well these last couple of weeks...and here I come stomping all over you emotionally like this :(.

(((Lys)))

I know you mean nothing but well wishes for everyone here. You really are an incredible person.

tudorose 05-17-18 07:45 PM

Re: I can't change
 
Hugs. As an adhd person these messages were generally thrown at us by NTs for the purposes of berating. As evidenced by your reaction these are triggering you into a state of self loathing. You see these messages and start abusing yourself basically doing your demons job for them.

So I will say this:

You are good enough
You are not required to meet the expectations of others
You no longer need the love and approval of others and you now love and approve of yourself.

The above are lines I had to write in counselling. Still a work in progress on taking it to heart.

The other thing is life is a construction. It's all in how you tell the story.

The truth- I feel useless and worthless most of the time. I wonder why I was ever born. I can't do anything right.

At the same time I can rattle off a list of achievements that looks impressive.

I and most others here struggle to get through daily life in spite of whatever achievements in thr past.

As for just do it, it only works for riding my bike. That's it. Nothing else. That's why I try go for small wins. To feel like less of a failure.

You have abuse in your past by the sounds of it. Your reactions here are likely you being triggered for past events. Dont beat yourself up for being triggered.

For your own wellbeing use the ignore list if you have to. Self care is the most important thing here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by psychopathetic (Post 1995195)
I don't respond well with the whole "Just Do It!" attitude. I've dealt with that attitude my whole life and I struggle hard with just doing things a lot. I have a whole life worth of earnest attempts to just do it. To get up and grab life by the horns and to take charge.
It gets exhausting falling short time and again. And it's not that I'm not trying! I work my a** off! I put my entire being into doing it!! But dang...I don't know...I've accumulated a TON of fails in my life.
And I hate myself for it. And I hate not having a better answer for why. I don't like saying it's because I have a disorder...because I'm afraid people will think I'm only using it as an excuse.
But dang...
I do struggle with this disorder. It absolutely does hold me back. It doesn't push me like it seems to push you.

And you come along and you have all these major achievements and you're doing all these amazing things...and you tell me to just do it!
It's not that I'm quitting in life...I continue to push forward. I'm VERY slow though. I'm cautious. It's not freaking fun getting my hopes up on a major goal...just to fall short. It CRUSHES me and can take months to recover. Years even.

And I feel like I have to explain myself to you, or I'm afraid you'll think I'm just being lazy. Or bad. Like it's a flaw in my character. I'm just a weak person or something.

And I know you don't mean to come across like that AT ALL. It's just my damned brain mixing things all up. I'm projecting my own self doubts onto you...and that's not fair to you.

...
I haven't given up in life. I don't know why. I often wonder what it's going to take before I finally throw in that white towel.
But I'm still here...and I still think my future can be bright. I know what I want to do when I 'grow up'...and in fact I have little doubt that I can land a job doing what I love...my biggest fear right now, is staying with the job though.
And I am working on that. Been discussing it with a support group I'm a part of, and start seeing a therapist tomorrow to work specifically on these doubts and negative self-thinking.
I could jump head first into getting a job. "Just do it!"...but I really don't want to. I've had to live with myself my entire life. I know well enough that if I got a job right now, I'd VERY likely quit soon after.
I need to change my attitude...I need to believe in myself and I need to get to a point where I can forgive myself enough that I can give myself permission to succeed.
I'm slow.


Little Missy 05-17-18 08:31 PM

Re: I can't change
 
Fuzzy, my dahling. Of course you will change.

Only the parts you want the most will be yours whenever you wish them to be.

sarahsweets 05-18-18 06:21 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Fuzzy: You are NOT: lazy, crazy, dumb, useless, worthless, unworthy, unloveable, stupid, evil, terrible, horrible, horrid or insignificant.
You are human.
You have flaws.
You have gifts.

psychopathetic 05-18-18 08:03 AM

Re: I can't change
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 1995224)
Fuzzy: You are NOT: lazy, crazy, dumb, useless, worthless, unworthy, unloveable, stupid, evil, terrible, horrible, horrid or insignificant.
You are human.
You have flaws.
You have gifts.

OH!
And also you are a fuzzball too! :giggle:

Fuzzy12 05-18-18 08:24 AM

Re: I can't change
 
I am a fuzzball!! :cool:

There are so many posts I want to reply too this thread but I'm just not getting the time. Hopefully soon. :eek:

acdc01 05-18-18 06:57 PM

Re: I can't change
 
You only just recently became obese right Fuzzy? What's changed now that you could keep from being obese for your entire life until recently?

I think you expect too much out of yourself Fuzz. I think everyone has different levels of energy and we are happiest and most long-term successful when we accept ourselves - that we have that amount of energy - and if we strive to simplify our lives so we only have to function to as close to that level as practically possible.

That's what works for me anyway. I can think of 5 aspects in my life that I had to take effort in order to maintain (1. myself including my mental and physical health, 2. my relationships, 3. my work, 4. my home, 5. my finances).

I realized that I myself do not have the energy to juggle them all alone. And I totally accept that and have no problems with it. I kind of wonder if you are like me and don't have the energy to do all of these as well. I cut 2 out of these five aspects out of my life. One, I handed off to someone else to do and the other, I'm lucky enough not to have to deal with anymore.

The rest I have tried to simplify (and fit me better) to the extent possible so I have to take as little effort as possible to achieve them. I don't actually think I can change myself long-term. But I can change my life to make it easier for me to succeed.

I know you didn't work for a time so had cut #3 (work) out. But you didn't seem to gain the same happiness that I do from it. Is it cause of high expectations on yourself (feeling like you are a loser if you don't have a job) or because you truly need to work to be happy? If you think it's cause you think you need it to be happy, are you sure that is accurate?

I'll have to say, I'm on the whole no work is better band wagon right now simply cause of my own life. And if you can juggle work and everything else and work makes you happy great. But still, I do think accepting your limits and changing your life accordingly is the easiest way to succeed regarless if work if what you chose to cut out in order to make your life simpler or not.


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:36 AM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2015 ADD Forums