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addtom 06-08-18 09:00 PM

30, male, add and depression
Hello everybody. I want to say i am sorry i am skipping the presentation elsewhere, i thought i could share my story right away.
Actually, i feel i need to share my story.

To sum it up before diving into the matter, i'd say that my life has been a miserable ****hole from where i have always felt i could not escape. Sometimes i have sincerely thought i have never been compatible with life outside, but i will tell you more, hoping that you will be able to read this through and give me a few thaughts.

As a kid, appearently, i have never really exibited the hyperactive aspects of the disorder, while since the very first years i have struggled to socialize and focus in class. year after year i have always been treated like some kind of freak, and often been target to bullies of various nature. I came to realize my loneliness was piling up on itself, becoming the cause of more and more lonelines, pushing people far from me because i lacked the social skills that where expected from me. I shied away from this, and for many years i actively denied this possibility to me, actively hiding from myself the thruth of me having an handicap of some sort. I grew up feeling i could not be like the others, and i envied them. I tried to fake my way into the social chat for all my life, but i know that sooner or later, people realized that i was more pretending to be part rather that being part of the peer group.

It's sad the moment in which people realize you are of a different breed, that you value so cheap, that you don't deserve their attention nor simpaty.

During my school years, i have always been the one thinking differently, the one weird, the one always on the line to stand up and act for a change, and always ultimately failing at the most basics of social life.
I wonder how much of what was wrong with my social skills come from the disorder, and how much from the sexual abuses the domestic collaborator acted on me when i as just 4 or 5.

I grew up with a secret, straying away from a very depressed mother and from a very busy father that couldn't both see my struggles and my shame and the sufferings from feeling different. I felt alone in those times, already. I grew up alone, grappling a secret, not knowing how to reach others because i lacked the skills. I've fallen behind, all the time, even when i had the means to understand the situations, or the emotions, i would have always been not on the righ train at the right time.
I've always chased all life respect from others, respect that others give to people doing more that they do. I cannot do enough of everything i do. Not what i like, not what i love.
I cant properly study, i can't properly take lessons for what i like, i can't study enough on what i would love to study, to be better at least at the eye of the other people. Because one day i can sustain the stress, the other one i fall in depression.

When i was a little kid, I had this fantasy that all the world was all against me, and i vaguely remember that until i grew up a little bit, i prayed to jesus, believing that from above someone else could hear my sufferings, and kneew that i was a good kid surrounded by **** and people mestreating me. i told this story to me many times, before hiding behind the courtains hiding the shame of my life already ruined.

Sometimes i felt i had enough...

I grew up and saw people around me finding a way. Finding something to love and devote their life in the study of. In the study area, i could not hadle the stress nor i could be able to do very complex papers and my school career ended up in university, after 34 exams, 4 exams and a thesis far from the junior degree, dramatically kknowing that i could have not possibly studied and prepared that kind of amount of work. I simply could not have been able to do something like that. My mind doesn't allow me to stay focused and feel shure of it's convinctions.

My mind work differently, and doesn't help me. My depression deprived me of the confidence to work on maniacal periods that last until anything socially sad happens to me.

I can't play. I can't compete.

Sometimes i wonder if people despize me more for being what i am, or because i am uggly. That too has been a struggle... I have grown up with people bullying me because i was uggly. I was a fat kid, always alone, always bullied, with no friends. I am not a deformed person, but i grew with gynecomastia, so im pretty much shure that this kid who doesn't know its place, who can't do or be like others, it's also annoying with his uggliness. he is disturbing to see a little guy being fat and with some boobs wandering around desperately seeking attention and to be included into social groups that would end up doing it out of pity or for having fun of him.

I miss love, most of the time. But i am broken, so i fear it.

I once fell in love, at 18. I was really in love, and gave it all the freedom and hope i coul.

I was almos thin by then, i was 16. She was a cute but manipulative girl, who ended up hurting me and leaving me alone in suffer.
Two years later i had a girlfriend, and it was beautiful for a bounch of weeks to have someone to hug me or caress me... But she dumped me because she was frustrated with me because i am not good with social relationships. I ****** that up. that was nearly the last sex i had in my life.

In a way that i understood only later.
In the mean time life had to go on. University years and the same old "friends" where i was the plus one, all the time. The one not really into the "gang", just that strange and friendly buddy sometimes joins and spread negativity for everybody and then leaves. By that time for my ginecomastia i tried something, the suergery was not a compete suxcess, but with a situazion gotten better, i could then at least partecipate the everyday life in a shirt rater than hiding under layers of sweatshirts.
first years of university went good.
I was doing poorly at the university though... Some bad results, only a few good ones. I could not finish in time.
so i quit university at 26.
I have a house, i move in, a try to live by the rents and playing in bars.
I am a decent musician, but i can't become a well studied musician. I know it my way, every time i tried learning jazz ended up badly. I kept on trying, i liked it, i wanted to, but studying gets frustratring very soon, and then i loose control over what i can or can't do.

I think, maybe if i was not alone, i could talk all my struggles, maybe i could wake up in the morning knowing that someone could lift me up and be happy and proud of my everyday battle to not dye in this ****hole of life i have.

at 30, i finally spoke with a psychiatris. I told him, i think i have adhd. He said that it could have been an issue, and after a few analisys and after starting a therapy with psychologist working with adhd patients, after some time we started trying wellbutrin.

I am nearly at 10 days, i had some minor side effects, but i am still swimming in this ****hole.

The therapy reminded me that i am alone and that i don't want help because i can't trust.
i was hoping in some pills that could make me become a skilled musician, enabling me to study many hours a day, like others did, and finally becaming one other's coul look to in admiration, and then maybe is someone would have reached me, tried to share my thruth, and my struggles.

I am alone, i feel there's nothing i can do about it, wellbutrin has still no effect, and i am so sad now.

Sorry, i was too weak today to organize an ordinate text, i just shared some messy thoughts.

allesandro1 06-08-18 11:07 PM

Re: 30, male, add and depression
Hang in there, I know it's hard

sarahsweets 06-09-18 05:22 AM

Re: 30, male, add and depression
How's the wellbutrin working out?

addtom 06-09-18 07:32 AM

Re: 30, male, add and depression

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 1997287)
How's the wellbutrin working out?

I can't possibly know, today we are at 11 days... Hope to start feel anything soon, these last few days I be become easily angered and frustrated.

Fraser_0762 06-09-18 08:30 AM

Re: 30, male, add and depression
Pills will not turn you into a skilled anything. Most of your issues seem to stem from a poor self image, which is impacting your self esteem and how you come across in social situations involving other people.

You need to love and accept who you are. Other people will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. If you keep putting yourself down with negative self talk, other people will do the same to you.

Value who you are. You are a living, breathing person and are perfect in your entirety. There's no greater approval, than self approval. There's no greater respect than self respect.

Just be who you want to be, not who you think you should be and you'll start moving forward.

sarahsweets 06-11-18 09:50 AM

Re: 30, male, add and depression
I would encourage you to try therapy to at least work through the sexual abuse. There is a theory I have with addiction/trauma related to addiction and early childhood trauma. It basically means that when something traumatic happens to us, even if we do not understand how wrong it was at the time, or we think its our fault etc it sort of "stunts" our emotional growth. I do not mean immature, I mean the way in which we self evaluate, our self esteem, our vision of our own worth gets stuck at the same age we were during the trauma. This is often what precedes substance abuse for somepeople. The need to make the pain go away, the need to feel normal the need to cope. We learn these unhealthy coping skills because the trauma makes no sense.....almost like subconsciously we are so raw and chaotic inside due to the trauma that we do not know how to move forward. This is why I think therapy can be so useful. A therapist can be a guide in helping you process the trauma and emotionally grow. This is just my theory and really, what do I know?

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