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sarahsweets 10-18-17 05:00 AM

Miserable, alcoholic death
My friend's brother died yesterday morning. He was 55. He always had a problem. He was so impaired from years of drinking that 4 months ago he was in the hospital for alcoholic dt's and seizures because he was trying to stop drinking on his own. That was 3 weeks. Then he went to a physical rehab for 2 weeks. His job had a final offer- substance abuse rehab or no job. He still couldnt quite care for himself and actually had to go int a nursing home because he needed care from the permanent damage he had done. He got released and his addict girlfriend brought him home and right away he drank. Got a third DUI and was facing 6 months in jail.

His lawyer said if he went into rehab and AA he might be able to avoid jail but he refused. The lawyer couldnt help him anymore. He appealed on grounds that he was too sick and frail for jail. In the meantime right away he started back up with beligerant calls to his sister and family.

I dont know if anyone else is familiar with this stage of alcoholism but its combative, beligerant, angry, bitter out of your mind stuff where you literally live your life in a sick and miserable way-harrassing people because your mind is warped and you are half living in the past and not really sane.

Physically you lose weight cause all you do is drink. You injure yourself from falling all the time and your body has a hard time healing from wounds because your immune system is so damaged. Your liver hurts, you shake, you smell like alcohol all the time and have poor hygiene. You often have this weird way of walking. Its hard to describe but being around enough people in recovery I have seen it before and its neurological. You often pee yourself. You are past the point of vomiting and often cough up blood from esophogus tears.

His sister and I are in a 12 step program together and its really saved us even though its not for everyone and he had tried in the past. He had some years of sobriety but always slipped. Its been an important lesson for me.

Midnight tuesday he passed out in the bathroom and the GF called 911.He had gone in to cardiac arrest. They got him breathing again and he needed a respirator. He also had a mini stroke. The hospital called my friend at 2am but she didnt get the messages until 6am. She went to the hospital. She was told he was not going to have any sort of life and they decided to let him go. The other sister was on her way from FL and they were going to remove the vent.
The nurse told my friend that she didnt think he would make it that long. His pressure dropped and he died at 820am yesterday morning before they could even remove the breathing tube.

My friend was ready and it was only a matter of time. I didnt know him so I can be an objective person in this.
If you have a drinking problem please do not self detox. I did and it was so dangerous. The only thing I think that saved me was the lamictal I took for bipolar.
DO not do it alone. Go to detox at least, hopefully rehab.
If you take to the AA thing, stick with it. If you found another type of support network or learn a different way in rehab, do not be complacent. DO not bury those things that made you drink.

Do not be fooled into thinking that you can safely do it alone- or that you can safely drink again.
If you think an alcohoic makes the choice to drink-once you have had that one drink the rest is not a choice. The sickness is so strong that it makes you think you are not that sick.

I have witnessed a painful, miserable,sick,pathetic, lonely death from alcoholism. I am thankful it wasnt me or my family member but it could have just as easily been me.
Please get help if you need it.
Its dangerous and deadly.
This proves it to me.

Your family suffers with you so dont think you are only doing something to just yourself.

sarahsweets 12-27-17 07:06 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
Looks like I'll be continuing to add to this thread.

Got a call last night. A friend of mine for about 2 years is dead. Met her through AA and tried to help her in a number of ways. She had a fancy high up government job, the husband, kids,house, two cars all the right stuff. She was either a chronic relapser or never actually got sober- not sure. I had to take her keys from her at a meeting once and have someone call her husband because she was in no shape to drive. I started out compassionate with her, and we became friends. Then I saw that she wasnt willing to take suggestions and that everything happened "to"her not because of her and she was always a victim. She was attention seeking. Any injury she ever had was trumped up into a colossal mess. The last time I talked to her on the phone I told her I had to distance myself from her because I was enabling her behavior by continually emotionally supporting her when she wouldnt do any work on her own to get sober. She had no consequences bad enough to make her stop.

She got demoted then out on medical leave at her job. Had rehab twice. She had major emergency spine surgery due to ( we believe) a drunk fall so she had access to pain killers and I dont believe she stopped drinking. I dont think she ever worked again since July. I didnt take her calls anymore, or respond to texts and I only talked to her at meetings when she showed up. I know that once, I met her husband, and I told him that until the pain is great enough she wouldnt change. Without consequences she wouldnt change.

Apparently she got another DUI and the husband made her leave. (I dont know how long, or if she was staying at her sisters house but my understanding was that it was recent)
She went home saturday, left notes and presents for her kids explaining how sorry she was about dissapointing them and killed herself.

In the AA world, suicide related to active alcoholism IS dying from alcoholism. The person's misery and inabillity to get sober is what causes the suicide. If you arent sober the choice to end your life can be made impulsively. Suicide from a sober person is often more deliberate and planned out.

I dont know yet how she did it-not that it matters.

I feel really bad. I am trying not to feel guilty. I know I only met her husband once so my advice to him about getting tough didnt directly influence him throwing her out but he probably heard it from others in AA or Al-Anon. Her poor husband.

I will not let myself go there to guilt street, and think that I somehow abandoned a friend. I must remember that if I stayed friends with her I would be caught up in her chaos and I would have been a part of her death-it just would have been slow and painful.

I have to let it go and know that I did what I could. I have been to more viewings in my sobriety from other alcoholic friends than I have in my whole life. I didnt know it would be this way.

I just have to put one foot in front of the other, remind myself that this friend could have been me if I hadnt stopped drinking. No guilt allowed Sweets-you did all you could.

midnightstar 12-27-17 10:27 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
Many hugs for you sarah :( :grouphug:

Fuzzy12 12-27-17 11:04 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
I'm sorry Sarah. How tragic. Huge hugs from me too:grouphug:

DJ Bill 12-30-17 07:58 PM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
I'm sad for you Sarah.. Our local groups have seen several similar cases this year, and a former friend who totally refused to believe he had a problem died earlier this year....alone, separated from friends and family due to his own drunken actions, and with nobody knowing about it for quite a long time. I'm sure you know the following but for anyone else with a similar issue.....Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful, progressive, and ...patient! It's always waiting for you when you think you "have got it" and the urge can come out of nowhere. The only thing even more powerful is denial. If someone holds onto their denial.....there is no hope until they can actually admit they have a problem. Help in many forms is out there, but if you don't want help.....nothing will.


finallyfound10 12-31-17 01:00 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
(((Sarah))) I am sorry for the loss of your friend. That is so sad. You nor her husband are responsible for her death- only she is. Tough love is hard but necessary sometimes.

You are correct about self-detoxing! Out of all of the substances we detox from, only in alcohol detox can death occur if it's not done properly. Lamictal can help prevent acute alcohol withdrawal but I haven't seen it as we use Ativan on my behavioral health unit. When my hospital's new medical detox/rehab unit opens next month they will also use Phenobarbital which is better than Ativan.

Lastly, the common unsteady walking you mentioned is due to cerebellar issues such as gait and equilibrium disturbances. Many chronic alcoholics develop cerebellar degeneration which progressive and irreversible. My dad has it.

Padawan 01-04-18 05:03 PM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
There but for the grace of God...

(((Sarah))) What you shared here may save a life (or many)

sarahsweets 08-02-18 05:56 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
A friend died on friday. They found her at the bottom of the pool. She was 55. She had 11 years until recently. They are not sure if it was just alcohol or alcohol and pills because apparently she had dabbled in those recently. Another friend's 28 year old daughter overdosed on Monday. When will people get it? I have been to more funerals and viewings in AA then I have in my entire life.

willow129 08-02-18 09:10 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death

Rebelyell 09-04-18 11:03 PM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
Im truly sorry to hear Sarah big hugs and prayers to you...
Denial is a bad and powerful thing from getting help in anything..I've had a couple of co.workers who.lost their jobs due to drinking problems..1 man walked out of rehab after a week town canned.him.and then.not.long after not quite 2 years.later he was gone at he was but happy.go.lucky and.would do.anything he would of gone a.boss if.not for.all the screw ups in and family.once again sorry n big hugs..

Fuzzy12 09-05-18 02:12 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 2001618)
A friend died on friday. They found her at the bottom of the pool. She was 55. She had 11 years until recently. They are not sure if it was just alcohol or alcohol and pills because apparently she had dabbled in those recently. Another friend's 28 year old daughter overdosed on Monday. When will people get it? I have been to more funerals and viewings in AA then I have in my entire life.

I'm sorry Sarah. :grouphug:

carrythestars 10-05-18 06:22 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
I'm so sorry... �� Alcoholism is terrible. My father took his own life after being an alcoholic most of his life, he was about 58.
He had back pain really bad and they wouldn't help him manage the pain. He had to be free.
I used to be able to drink alcohol, but if I try now I get an instant kind of reaction like I do with contrast dye...flushing..hives.
I'm thankful that I cannot drink alcohol.

sarahsweets 11-11-18 01:55 PM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
Lost another friend. Alcohol played a part but this time it was a relapse on heroin. She odíd last week. She was 22 and a poly susbstance abuser. She had been in and out of AA but didnít make it. Iím getting sick of death.

Rebelyell 11-12-18 12:19 PM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
Sadly last month not only my fiance of 4 years basically walked out on me I found out a week after that I lost my best friend David to drinking himself to death after falling off the wagon again..his brother in law told me off the side his esaphagus ruptured n he basically bled to death.the police found him on a safety check.i went to his funeral n couldn't stop tired of seeing people I love die n leave me.once again Sarah I'm sorry and I know all too well your pain of seeing too many people I know laid to rest

Opnieuw 07-08-19 11:33 AM

Re: Miserable, alcoholic death
What a powerful thread. Thanks for sharing. Reminds me as a recovering alcoholic that I'm a mortal, and have an Achilles' heel that will always be with me.

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