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-   -   The cool crowd (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=192524)

tudorose 07-25-18 07:32 AM

The cool crowd
 
There's a cool crowd at work. I'm not in it. One of the 4 (all women) is a friend of mine and has been for about 10 years. She's very susceptible to what other's say so I can usually gauge what is being said about me by her random comments.

I recently got a temporary promotion. It seems that some people have a problem with that. Some people think they deserved it more because they've been there longer, regardless of whether I am the most qualified for the job.

The cool crowd go out for lunch together, go out for dinner together at each others houses and today they decided to do an office morning tea - but only for them. No-one else was invited. The rest of us got the leftovers. Under bullying legislation here (Aus) that's not on (exclusion).

They all sit in the same area as me and it's pretty obvious that they have no intention of including anyone else. They'll have what I call the electronic giggle. They all sit there messaging each other and then giggling about it but no-one else is in on the joke.

I have deliberately stayed out if it because I don't want any part of that kind of behaviour or the expectation to socialise with people from work. But being next to people who so obviously exclude me is often awkward and uncomfortable for me. Especially as I have a lot of of difficulty understanding social situations at the best of times.

Now these women are in their late 40's to late 50's and they've recently recruited another into the fold in her 30's. I sit and observe the goings on and how people try (and fail) to get into the group.

They have a thing where they buy presents for each other (an no-one else). Some people trying to get 'in' buy them presents but it's never reciprocated. The people trying to get in with them are also in their late 40's and 50's. Personally I'm not bothered by not receiving presents. The bit that bothers me is the comments from my 'friend' which makes me think she's not really my friend after all. Her husband has ADHD and she often speaks for me and tries to explain my behaviour to others when I don't want her to as I feel like that puts me down.

It's like being in bloody high school again. I thought this sort of nonsense was supposed to end when we left.

Not really sure what to make of it. I'm open to interpretations please.

Fuzzy12 07-25-18 08:02 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
I can relate. How many people are in your office or in your area? I mean if it's a small group compared to the total number of office people then maybe it's just a close group friends that share "whatever" interests. If your office consists of only five people then it of course totally sucks.

I do find it weird that your friend is talking about you and talking about her friends to you (even if it's just what they say about you). Or possibly she feels uncomfortable with listening to what people say about you and therefore she tells you? Maybe she defends you when they ***** about you but doesn't want to give up the group? I'm really not sure. Have you asked her? If you don't want her to justify your actions in front of others the best night be to just tell her that.

sarahsweets 07-25-18 09:31 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
Oh tudorrose! I hate that sh*t. I experienced that with AA a few years back. I was in a cool crowd with about 5 women and we went away for the weekend to one of their family's cabins. I was very nervous. I have slept next to my husband for 25 years and no where else. I dont always jive with women but they got me into their comfort zone. So what happens when 5 women with various addiction issues, trauma histories and mental health stuff? Deep dark talks late into the night and then something happened...I was told we could do anything we wanted. I brought my nail stuff thinking we could paint our nails..I get up VERY early and had to tiptoe around and creep around which kills me because of my morning routine. I did my best. They had other ideas of what to do and thought I was withdrawing too much. I was a little manic the first night but I thought they understood me. Well, they didn't. I rode home with my sponsor and one other woman and they accused me of being "on" something. They even wanted to search my bag and I said go ahead but they didn't. It was 2 hours of berating and I was in tears when I got dropped off. Worst experience with women and it almost confirmed my bias that women were bi**hes when they got together. I learned a lot about myself though.

I learned that I am not defined by what other's think of me. I learned that I needed to branch out and find friends that accepted me and all my quirks and idiosyncrasies. I learned that I don't need to stand for being attacked because I did feel guilty and helpless. It was really only two women but they were like the leaders and drew the others into the fold. They just dropped me, and I had to mourn them. BUT I swear it was one of the most useful lessons I had ever learned in my life. I am grateful that it all went down. It took me a long while to get used to seeing them in meetings but held my head high because I did not do anything wrong. That very night I saw my sponsor (who wasn't my sponsor anymore) and said hi and smiled. I moved on with one foot in front of the other and never again will I stand for that. So in the end it turned out to be good.

Now after all that my thoughts on you... I know this is annoying to say but you can either ignore them (which is almost impossible) or be super nice to them and say hello and act like their stupid f**king clique means nothing to you. If you overhear something they laugh at chuckle to yourself as if you get it. When you interact with them force a smile, keep your voice light and be positive. Try not to let their lack of inclusion feel that it has anything to do with you. They don't even know the real you anyway, they do not see how supportive you are here and maybe to the people in your life that deserve it. They do not get it. And f**k them. Sometimes saying "go f**k yourselves" is freeing, it was for me. But in work, I know that's not possible so say it in your mind. "They don't like me and they can f**k off" Its my go-to and I swear the more you say it and do it internally or out loud the better and more free you will feel. Think of how small their world is. Who the f**k needs to be in some a** small group of gossipy back stabbing women ? I am sure they would tattle tale on you in a heartbeat. In fact if you hear anything at all that your promotion put a stick up their butts then act even more gracious and capable that it's you who got the promotion and not them.

I say this situation allows for some hubris or even a slight bit of arrogance..YOU got the promotion on merit. Not cause you kissed as* not because you flirted your way in with your superiors but merit. The new girl f**king nailed it! Good for you girl. Screw them and their kitty cat nonsense. Let them get tickled about stupid texts and youtube videos. BUY GIRLS!

xxxooo

Quote:

Originally Posted by tudorose (Post 2000872)
There's a cool crowd at work. I'm not in it. One of the 4 (all women) is a friend of mine and has been for about 10 years. She's very susceptible to what other's say so I can usually gauge what is being said about me by her random comments.

I recently got a temporary promotion. It seems that some people have a problem with that. Some people think they deserved it more because they've been there longer, regardless of whether I am the most qualified for the job.

The cool crowd go out for lunch together, go out for dinner together at each others houses and today they decided to do an office morning tea - but only for them. No-one else was invited. The rest of us got the leftovers. Under bullying legislation here (Aus) that's not on (exclusion).

They all sit in the same area as me and it's pretty obvious that they have no intention of including anyone else. They'll have what I call the electronic giggle. They all sit there messaging each other and then giggling about it but no-one else is in on the joke.

I have deliberately stayed out if it because I don't want any part of that kind of behaviour or the expectation to socialise with people from work. But being next to people who so obviously exclude me is often awkward and uncomfortable for me. Especially as I have a lot of of difficulty understanding social situations at the best of times.

Now these women are in their late 40's to late 50's and they've recently recruited another into the fold in her 30's. I sit and observe the goings on and how people try (and fail) to get into the group.

They have a thing where they buy presents for each other (an no-one else). Some people trying to get 'in' buy them presents but it's never reciprocated. The people trying to get in with them are also in their late 40's and 50's. Personally I'm not bothered by not receiving presents. The bit that bothers me is the comments from my 'friend' which makes me think she's not really my friend after all. Her husband has ADHD and she often speaks for me and tries to explain my behaviour to others when I don't want her to as I feel like that puts me down.

It's like being in bloody high school again. I thought this sort of nonsense was supposed to end when we left.

Not really sure what to make of it. I'm open to interpretations please.


tudorose 07-25-18 10:14 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 (Post 2000875)
I can relate. How many people are in your office or in your area? I mean if it's a small group compared to the total number of office people then maybe it's just a close group friends that share "whatever" interests. If your office consists of only five people then it of course totally sucks.

I do find it weird that your friend is talking about you and talking about her friends to you (even if it's just what they say about you). Or possibly she feels uncomfortable with listening to what people say about you and therefore she tells you? Maybe she defends you when they ***** about you but doesn't want to give up the group? I'm really not sure. Have you asked her? If you don't want her to justify your actions in front of others the best night be to just tell her that.

It's a big office but there are 7 in our pod and they make up 4. I might just have to call her on it. :(

tudorose 07-25-18 10:20 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 2000882)
Oh tudorrose! I hate that sh*t. I experienced that with AA a few years back. I was in a cool crowd with about 5 women and we went away for the weekend to one of their family's cabins. I was very nervous. I have slept next to my husband for 25 years and no where else. I dont always jive with women but they got me into their comfort zone. So what happens when 5 women with various addiction issues, trauma histories and mental health stuff? Deep dark talks late into the night and then something happened...I was told we could do anything we wanted. I brought my nail stuff thinking we could paint our nails..I get up VERY early and had to tiptoe around and creep around which kills me because of my morning routine. I did my best. They had other ideas of what to do and thought I was withdrawing too much. I was a little manic the first night but I thought they understood me. Well, they didn't. I rode home with my sponsor and one other woman and they accused me of being "on" something. They even wanted to search my bag and I said go ahead but they didn't. It was 2 hours of berating and I was in tears when I got dropped off. Worst experience with women and it almost confirmed my bias that women were bi**hes when they got together. I learned a lot about myself though.

I learned that I am not defined by what other's think of me. I learned that I needed to branch out and find friends that accepted me and all my quirks and idiosyncrasies. I learned that I don't need to stand for being attacked because I did feel guilty and helpless. It was really only two women but they were like the leaders and drew the others into the fold. They just dropped me, and I had to mourn them. BUT I swear it was one of the most useful lessons I had ever learned in my life. I am grateful that it all went down. It took me a long while to get used to seeing them in meetings but held my head high because I did not do anything wrong. That very night I saw my sponsor (who wasn't my sponsor anymore) and said hi and smiled. I moved on with one foot in front of the other and never again will I stand for that. So in the end it turned out to be good.

Now after all that my thoughts on you... I know this is annoying to say but you can either ignore them (which is almost impossible) or be super nice to them and say hello and act like their stupid f**king clique means nothing to you. If you overhear something they laugh at chuckle to yourself as if you get it. When you interact with them force a smile, keep your voice light and be positive. Try not to let their lack of inclusion feel that it has anything to do with you. They don't even know the real you anyway, they do not see how supportive you are here and maybe to the people in your life that deserve it. They do not get it. And f**k them. Sometimes saying "go f**k yourselves" is freeing, it was for me. But in work, I know that's not possible so say it in your mind. "They don't like me and they can f**k off" Its my go-to and I swear the more you say it and do it internally or out loud the better and more free you will feel. Think of how small their world is. Who the f**k needs to be in some a** small group of gossipy back stabbing women ? I am sure they would tattle tale on you in a heartbeat. In fact if you hear anything at all that your promotion put a stick up their butts then act even more gracious and capable that it's you who got the promotion and not them.

I say this situation allows for some hubris or even a slight bit of arrogance..YOU got the promotion on merit. Not cause you kissed as* not because you flirted your way in with your superiors but merit. The new girl f**king nailed it! Good for you girl. Screw them and their kitty cat nonsense. Let them get tickled about stupid texts and youtube videos. BUY GIRLS!

xxxooo

Wow Sarah that sounds awful and being stuck there with them too. I agree just keep being nice and don't react to being excluded. At the end of it I'm there to work not make friends and yeah I did get the job on merit. I just thought one was my friend but friends don't act like that. Which pretty much means in life I have no friends. That's fine though. I'd rather not deal with the high school crap

dormammau2008 07-29-18 10:21 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
For me it be simply I'd just say don't speak for me unless you have the condition you have no idea what's its like playground that way....real world this way ..as,for group at work small minded is all I say on them dorm

E-Rock 07-29-18 09:40 PM

Re: The cool crowd
 
Rock on, tudorrose! You are a grown-*** woman and earned that promotion. Don't let them drag you down into their immature nonsense.

Your only responsibility here is to be professional with your coworkers.

I'll echo sarahsweets--sometimes a little arrogance is warranted.

tudorose 07-30-18 05:26 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
They keep trying to hang around me now. Probably to see what info they can get out of me. And I'm not falling for it. And yeah I agree with the arrogance bit. I am really good at this sort of stuff.

Fuzzy12 07-30-18 09:44 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 2000882)
Oh tudorrose! I hate that sh*t. I experienced that with AA a few years back. I was in a cool crowd with about 5 women and we went away for the weekend to one of their family's cabins. I was very nervous. I have slept next to my husband for 25 years and no where else. I dont always jive with women but they got me into their comfort zone. So what happens when 5 women with various addiction issues, trauma histories and mental health stuff? Deep dark talks late into the night and then something happened...I was told we could do anything we wanted. I brought my nail stuff thinking we could paint our nails..I get up VERY early and had to tiptoe around and creep around which kills me because of my morning routine. I did my best. They had other ideas of what to do and thought I was withdrawing too much. I was a little manic the first night but I thought they understood me. Well, they didn't. I rode home with my sponsor and one other woman and they accused me of being "on" something. They even wanted to search my bag and I said go ahead but they didn't. It was 2 hours of berating and I was in tears when I got dropped off. Worst experience with women and it almost confirmed my bias that women were bi**hes when they got together. I learned a lot about myself though.

I learned that I am not defined by what other's think of me. I learned that I needed to branch out and find friends that accepted me and all my quirks and idiosyncrasies. I learned that I don't need to stand for being attacked because I did feel guilty and helpless. It was really only two women but they were like the leaders and drew the others into the fold. They just dropped me, and I had to mourn them. BUT I swear it was one of the most useful lessons I had ever learned in my life. I am grateful that it all went down. It took me a long while to get used to seeing them in meetings but held my head high because I did not do anything wrong. That very night I saw my sponsor (who wasn't my sponsor anymore) and said hi and smiled. I moved on with one foot in front of the other and never again will I stand for that. So in the end it turned out to be good.

Now after all that my thoughts on you... I know this is annoying to say but you can either ignore them (which is almost impossible) or be super nice to them and say hello and act like their stupid f**king clique means nothing to you. If you overhear something they laugh at chuckle to yourself as if you get it. When you interact with them force a smile, keep your voice light and be positive. Try not to let their lack of inclusion feel that it has anything to do with you. They don't even know the real you anyway, they do not see how supportive you are here and maybe to the people in your life that deserve it. They do not get it. And f**k them. Sometimes saying "go f**k yourselves" is freeing, it was for me. But in work, I know that's not possible so say it in your mind. "They don't like me and they can f**k off" Its my go-to and I swear the more you say it and do it internally or out loud the better and more free you will feel. Think of how small their world is. Who the f**k needs to be in some a** small group of gossipy back stabbing women ? I am sure they would tattle tale on you in a heartbeat. In fact if you hear anything at all that your promotion put a stick up their butts then act even more gracious and capable that it's you who got the promotion and not them.

I say this situation allows for some hubris or even a slight bit of arrogance..YOU got the promotion on merit. Not cause you kissed as* not because you flirted your way in with your superiors but merit. The new girl f**king nailed it! Good for you girl. Screw them and their kitty cat nonsense. Let them get tickled about stupid texts and youtube videos. BUY GIRLS!

xxxooo

:goodpost:

finallyfound10 08-09-18 05:43 PM

Re: The cool crowd
 
Congrats tudorose!!



I'm sure they are all shades of green with envy! They deserve every minute of it.



I am not in the cool crowd at work either. lol! I don't really care except when it affects the job- which it sometimes does.



Your whole work situation, complete with the friend sort of covering all her bases, is part the of plot or a subplot of many tween and teen movies so that right there tells you their emotional age.


Keep doing a great job that, obviously, your bosses have noticed! Also, be careful and watch your back. Those b's would love for you to fail and might even assist you if given the opportunity.





Sarah, what an awful group of women! Good for you to take the high road!!!

Rebelyell 08-09-18 10:45 PM

Re: The cool crowd
 
I got one finger to describe the really not so cool crowd.use your imagination on which one that is ! Lol

tudorose 08-10-18 04:25 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by finallyfound10 (Post 2002339)
Also, be careful and watch your back. Those b's would love for you to fail and might even assist you if given the opportunity.

Yep. I sent out a meeting invite for the project today and then one of them put a day off in the calendar on the same day (after I sent the invite) making it look like I'd done it on purpose. Probably to stuff me around as payback coz she tried to put extra work on me right when I am insanely busy and I said no.

I am running this project and one of her group is running the one after me so the game is to make me look bad and her look good.

But that's okay I'm not changing the meeting for her and if she misses important info then that's her problem not mine.

May even act like I knew and did it deliberately so she knows that I know what she's up to.

Little Missy 08-10-18 08:11 AM

Re: The cool crowd
 
They are NOT the cool crowd nor will they ever be.

Ride your own horse.

Rebelyell 08-10-18 10:27 PM

Re: The cool crowd
 
I don't want to have anything to do w people I work w anymore.biggest bunch of butthurt backstabbers I've ever seen.I speak when spoken to.screw them an the horse they rode in on.

tudorose 08-10-18 10:37 PM

Re: The cool crowd
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Rebelyell (Post 2002428)
I don't want to have anything to do w people I work w anymore.biggest bunch of butthurt backstabbers I've ever seen.I speak when spoken to.screw them an the horse they rode in on.

Yeah they're not friends they're colleagues.

Being professional is all I have to do.

I've been locking myself away in a meeting room most days with this project as an excuse so at least I'm out of range mostly.


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