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anonymouslyadd 05-10-11 05:24 PM

Re: memoriam
I'm so sorry Peri. I wish there was something I could do for you.

Thank you for the memoriam that brought me to tears. I don't have tissues so I had to grab toilet paper.

I didn't know esh for very long on here. From what I saw, he was a really funny, passionate guy. He had dreams and desires, :(:(which I'm sorry won't be fullfilled for him. He was honest with himself and seemed to have a solid sense of who he was. He would have been a fun guy to hang out with.

As I began my time on addforums, he was one of the people who stood out.

I like that he did the youtube videos thing. I liked being connected to him. I was able to watch a video of his in which he mentioned my username, which made feel special, loved, and known. Thanks Esh.

I miss the thread Esh did on fortune telling. I can remember him giving me a fortune, and I seriously laughed. I miss his sense of humor.

I enjoyed the conversation you and Esh had on here. I envied it.

As you grieve, I hope you know I care and am willing to offer you support. I am forthcoming when it comes to things I say, and I hope my words come across as honoring, filled with care.

Take care Peri.

APSJ 05-10-11 07:45 PM

Re: memoriam
Peri, I said I would post in this thread, and had every intention of coming up with something profound to say, but having read your opening post, I find I'm largely at a loss for words. But, I said I would, so am going to try...

I didn't know esh well, but was struck initially by his seemingly limitless exuberance and engagement, and greatly appreciated the sense of contagious levity that seemed to permeate so much of what he wrote. It's something that seems to be in awfully short supply these days.

But, I know that Esh was unimaginably more to you than a source of levity, and I truly can't express how sorry I am that you've lost him.

In reading your post, and contemplating my relatively brief acquaintance with Esh through his online presence, the incredible, and by most measures improbable, nature of the beautiful relationship you developed stands out to me from the tragedy of his loss.

I get calls from people every day at my job, nominally in connection with legal claims, who it quickly becomes clear are more interested in finding someone, anyone, who will listen to them, understand them, support them, or at the very least not dismiss them, than in resolving the issue they called about. Some are ecstatic just to have someone listen to them, even if told at the end that I can't help.

Others are not. Others see me as the latest in a long series of people, places, and entities that have dismissed them. They know that, truly, it's likely I *could* help them, just not in the capacity I work. I could leave my job and devote myself to helping them, listening to them, supporting them through whatever means necessary, but I won't. And for most of them, neither will anyone else. No one has a profound enough connection with them to generate that level of investment in their happiness or success. Many who are initially thrilled to have someone listen, who I have repeated communication with, imagine that such a connection exists, despite my best efforts to dissuade them, and are ultimately disappointed with me, irrespective of whether I fix what they called about, when they realize it's not the case. I feel terrible for these people, and I can't imagine going through life with such a sense of isolation.

While I don't know enough about Esh's circumstances to guess whether he might have been in danger of being in that position had he not encountered you, I do know that once he did he was not. I know the impact that having someone believe in you, truly trust you, genuinely understand you, and care deeply enough to be unreservedly in your corner, whatever may come, and whatever that may require, can have. It can give meaning to a life that seems to have none. It is something that can be grasped onto, no matter how difficult things become, that can be a source of comfort and peace no matter how deep one may sink, even if it be a depth from which there is no return.

I know that your relationship with Esh had all of these components, and while I know it does nothing to mitigate the enormity of the tragedy or of your loss, I can't help but think that this fact, that he knew you were with him no matter what, that he was understood, cared for, and immeasurably important to someone equally important to him, even at the end, is a beautiful thing. He had, in you, what all of the people who call me in desperation are seeking, and so much more. Not a resolution of intractable problems, but a connection, being able to convey who he is to another human being, and thus be incorporated into who they are, they into him.

EYEFORGOT 05-10-11 08:07 PM

Re: memoriam
1 Attachment(s)
Flowers for Eshkaron

anonymouslyadd 05-10-11 08:13 PM

Re: memoriam

Originally Posted by peripatetic (Post 1083447) didn't get into a street fight. he actually...he's NEVER hit a person. or been hit. he's a very sensitive man. he's been "drunk" TWICE. i mean...he's not breaking bottles over heads and such. he had a very loving, but yes with being grandiose...that's the mania....the esh....was a sensitive, caring...very emotionally moved man.

due to the "mixed state", which brings on intense self-loathing, physical writhing in pain and wincing, sleeplessness, hopelessness, been/was proving to be, the resistance to treatment he had been before and felt, and because he had catatonic depression as a next step to look forward to, he took his own life.


I'm sorry he was suffering in that way. It's horrible. Just horrible.

anonymouslyadd 05-10-11 08:27 PM

Re: memoriam

Originally Posted by BouCoupDinkyDau (Post 1083439)
If this is all too hard-hitting, please cut this post out and don't respond to it.

So then, I don't understand. What was the cause of death? Was he sick with a disease? It sounds like you drove him to Mexico? For some kind of treatment? You're also talking of mental illnesses though, which leads me to believe he made his own decision for himself. Was he struggling with his issues? I can't remember quite right, but it seems like he would post sometimes that he hated people and felt lonely.

Please forgive me as I confuse a lot of us in here. We are all so much alike.

I haven't had the easiest time understanding people in general. I'm getting better. I would read a lot of Eshs' posts and even if there was something I didn't agree with, I never felt like his heart wasn't in the right place.

I never had the impression that he wasn't a good guy. He seemed like a nice, genuine guy as Peri describes. His Youtube videos reflected this too.

I think this, when life ends, is one of the most important components about a human. Esh had it.

theburr 05-10-11 08:31 PM

Re: memoriam
I'm so sorry to hear such sad news.

It's hard to imagine how awful he must have been feeling, and what you must be going through now. It sounds like he was went through hell on earth. No one should have to suffer like that.

Rebelyell 05-10-11 09:29 PM

Re: memoriam
How sad sorry for your loss hugs,I guess now hes in the great big sky with his maker.Holy cow I never realized he was soo close to the edge so close to ending it all an throwing in the towel on life.:(Its sad no 1 saw it coming to somehow help him:(RIP ESHY

Sandy4957 05-10-11 09:31 PM

Re: memoriam
So sorry, Peri. He was a very interesting person. Such a loss.

TygerSan 05-10-11 09:34 PM

Re: memoriam

I guess now hes in the great big sky with his maker.
Or dancing blissfully with Lillith. . .

Wherever he is, I hope that he's found peace.

Rebelyell 05-10-11 09:44 PM

Re: memoriam
Me too,I know so many of us have an inner turmoil that doesnt go away but this is just shocking..I can somewhat understand how 1 gets to the point of wanting out on life.

peripatetic 05-10-11 10:03 PM

Re: memoriam

Originally Posted by Rebelyell (Post 1083790)
How sad sorry for your loss hugs,I guess now hes in the great big sky with his maker.Holy cow I never realized he was soo close to the edge so close to ending it all an throwing in the towel on life.:(Its sad no 1 saw it coming to somehow help him:(RIP ESHY


we all saw it coming. shaney struggled with his illness as courageously as a person possibly could.

Impromptu_DTour 05-10-11 10:06 PM

Re: memoriam

for the life of me i have next to nothing to say. ive been compressing for the better part of the day when i heard, and never had the chance until just about an hour ago to really allow it to sink in. even as i type this i am epically failing at biting back my tears. if only you could see that even out here you wernt just a handle on a screen, you were a real person. and a really valuable real person, really perverted and foul, and that made me laugh. really brilliant, and insightful, and that made me think.. really .. honest, caring, and genuine.. and that makes me miss you. =( you meant alot to the people who were fortunate enough to know you, at all.

and yet in your wake, the ties that bind that.. in you're hand you have woven are a testament to the desire that you had for the world in which you lived in, which in every breath you spoke you whispered dreams.. and in that moment of conception the magnitude of your works is to be celebrated, and with joy and wealth i should look back on our friendship with pride, reverence and happiness!

but, i dont have to feel that today,

im going to miss you my friend.

Carpe Diem, Shane

be at peace


Rebelyell 05-10-11 10:12 PM

Re: memoriam
I guess your right Im sorry to even go there and say that about not seeing it coming because I wasnt around him like you were.Sometimes I wonder if theres a god how can he allow this to take over people?I CAN UNDERSTAND TREATMENTS NOT WORKING when I was 12 my tourettes went full blown and none of the meds were working they were throwing at me.I finally found 1 over a year later but my mom told me later in life she thought I was gonna have a nervous breakdown because I was getting vry emotional.Anyway Im sorry to hear about your friend and I will give you your privacy and peace you need in this time of suffering an sorrow.

anonymouslyadd 05-10-11 10:24 PM

Re: memoriam
Thank you for his first name Peri. Shane. I thought about him when I was listening to an awesome song on the radio driving to the store. I remembered his love of music and gave a silent toast to him. Shane.

Joker_Girl 05-10-11 10:24 PM

Re: memoriam
Oh my God, I am so sorry!!!

I remember him, I did not know him that well, but I remember him!

How awful!! I am so sad.


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