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peripatetic 05-10-11 08:45 AM

eshperiful...in memoriam
 
my sweet sunshine, eshy, who loved me boundlessly and unabashedly, is gone.

i started this thread because i want to talk about all of the wonderful things he was and alwasy will be to me. i believe others will want to post their memories well. i only ask for two thinigs:

1. eshy (eshkaronsengine/mellifluousmonk) hasn't been an active member here for a while. i request of anyone posting they make no statements on his membership status since discuussing moderator action is a a viollation

2. i'm going to give whatever info i feel like i have to share in this post. i'm not interested in answering questions, so please let me be for a bit:)

i already miss him *so* much and i know there's a part of me he took with hiim....because i gave it to him forever. and i'm so grateful he loved me enough to accept it. he trusted me to love him. i was his best friend and he was mine. he told me he'd never had a best friend...and i never really had either. in so many ways. we had *something*. i don't know what it was....? how do you describe trusting someone enough to let them love you....and believe that they'll never ignore, never dismiss...and always, always, always want to know *you*? maybe the best way to put it is that we wanted to trust and be trusted and be able to be all of the good and all of the bad, and never turn away from each other

he loved to communicate and he made me a lot of videos. i mean a lot overall...we do have a place to post videos we make for each other. he also made me more than half a dozen videos just before. he knew i'd be shocked that he didn't call. but he explained that he'd given his word to love me and to never set me up for failure and he wasn't going to let me spend the rest of my life thinking i coulda woulda shoulda. you wouldn't have that be our last time together. instead, on the videos,he told me the role i had in his life and the role he knew he had in mine and how much he appreciated that i not just allowed, but wanted him to occupy it with flourish. and he did know me, and what i'd want forever, he played our songs and he loked straight at the camera....and he twirled so i could always find him to twirl with me once again.

he was carpe diem YAP!!!!! yeah...he was all about that fecund moment,but we also spent double-digit amounts of time on facetime or phone or skype daily. we took each other everywhere. i took him to campus (i sneaked him into my lectures sometimes. he took me to several films. i was with him when he learned how to cook really tasty stuff--the one i thought looked tastiest was this apple pumpkin soup. he sang and played guitar for me and also the moonlight sonata on piano.

he got his busking license and he brought me along; my eshy played live music!!!!!! we watched movies together (the biggest accomplishment there was gangs of new york. that thing is, like three hours long or longerr. i'll admit it took us all day, but we watched that whole ****ing movie with (a few) breaks in there). but most of the time we'd just go through the day..morning coffee...battle it out on the games threads (pick ten to twelve threads and who could keep their usrename as last post in majority. i *spanked* him EVERY_TIME and i would have my name on every last one;) he beat me at every old school board we ever tried to play ....always.

and speaking of running around rampant, he LOVED playing acronym with danelady and julesjampot (who i don't even really know...but i remember it from a video and...she must be cool) and tinywiney. he found such joy in being that cheeky ball of fun, and often a sense of identity with abi and rebelyell. meadd was his yoda and he loved it:) bean...i can't even begin...but i'll start with saying that you sent him rumi and he was head over heels:) lavie, you let him reach out to you and he got to feel responsible. and sb_uk, he loved technology and nature and the zeitgeist and poetry, and he thought of you when he thought of potential combinations of those. and sarek, your friend request on facebook gave a smile on a day that ...*I* at least really needed one...and he appreciated your sincerity.

my eshy was intelligent and unique and talented and passionate and kind. i wish i had him here now and in my hear and forever in me..i do.

i love you eshy:)


*i want to say thank you to the following members who have been so especially wonderfully supportive of me: keith (you were a ****ing CHAMPION last night), apsj (you always are;)), abi, dtour, retro, sarek, geronimo and, of course, ginnie

tipoo 05-10-11 09:05 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I know you asked for no direct questions, and I apologize if I'm just dense here, but what do you mean by gone?

EYEFORGOT 05-10-11 09:11 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Oh hon. I'm so sorry sweetheart. If I could give you my shoulder I would. hugs.

peripatetic 05-10-11 09:26 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
thank you, chel....i appreciate it.

peripatetic 05-10-11 09:26 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by tipoo (Post 1083230)
I know you asked for no direct questions, and I apologize if I'm just dense here, but what do you mean by gone?

in memoriam=deceased

tipoo 05-10-11 09:31 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
So sorry. I had a friend who committed suicide this year, it's tough. We're all here for you. I only knew Esh briefly here, he seemed like a very funny guy who was always livening up the place.

ginniebean 05-10-11 09:52 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Eshy made me a video of himself reading Rumi. I'm glad I was able to share my love with him and today I will not be sad.

For you Esh, I'm reading it aloud.

~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~ ~.~

Look and you will see my form
whether you are looking at yourself
or toward that noise and confusion.

Don't be blurry-eyed,
See me clearly-
See my beauty without the old eyes of delusion.

Awake! Awake!
Don't mistake me for this human form.
The soul is not obscured by forms.
Even if it were wrapped in a hundred folds of felt
the rays of the soul's light
would still shine through.

Beat the drum,
Follow the minstrels of the city.
It's a day of renewal
when every young man
walks boldly on the path of love.


Close your lips
and shine on the world
like loving sunlight.

Shine like the Sun of Tabriz rising in the East.
Shine like the star of victory.
Shine like the whole universe is yours!


I love you Esh.

stef 05-10-11 10:01 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Such a beautiful person, I would have so loved to meet him; this is devastating.

Blueranne 05-10-11 10:05 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
My heart is literally pouring over with tears for you, for him, for everyone who loved him. I am searching for the right words and I can not find them.

Peri, please know that my thoughts are, and my heart is with you in this tragedy. Thank you for sharing with us your love for him.

Trooper Keith 05-10-11 10:10 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sartre
One is still what one is going to cease to be and already what one is going to become. One lives one's death, one dies one's life.

I write this not for your benefit, Peri, but for the benefit of others who might come along. Excuse me while I *******ize your philosophy in the tradition of my psychological colleagues.

We must always remember that it is death that gives meaning to life. That our lives are finite and our deaths are infinite, but "no finite point has meaning without an infinite reference point." What we do, how we choose to live our lives, reflects our character and defines who we are. Esh was a passionate person, who made his choices and found meaning where there is none. He was a bold man, befraught by facticity who made the best of the worst. He was a musician, and with his music he made people happy. His life was not wasted, and he lives on in each of us whom he touched and who will remember him in our hearts.

While we must not forget our sadness, we must not deny our despair at the passing of a friend, and while I cannot speak for anyone but myself: I choose not to mourn a death, but to celebrate a life. To that end, I see off our friend into eternity with a somber smile, remembering all the happiness he brought in his eyeblink on this planet.

peripatetic 05-10-11 11:17 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
i uploaded a photo of my handsome eshy, just go to my profile page, in case some of you never got to see him.

i remember the day it was taken and which thread it corresponds to here on the forum. he had this incomparable light bursting out from him...and eyes that felt like home :)

Lunacie 05-10-11 11:20 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
We gather on this day with sadness in our hearts. We are saddened because Eshy's life has ended; yet we must remember that although he has left this realm of the physical world and his body has terminated - his soul will live on.

All the parts that makes a person like Eshy unique and special, the parts we love and know to be the true individual - these parts will live on.

We must let your spirit go, Eshy. Stay no longer than you wish, O bright spirit; we give you our blessing to leave, for you await a new destiny.

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ADDvanced Forum ADDvocate

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BouCoupDinkyDau 05-10-11 11:26 AM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I never really got to know him. He was a frakkin' whirlwind in here! He'd zip into a thread, post some insanity that would totally derail whatever was going on, then zip off to someplace else! LOL

If I remember correctly, we had I had one meaningful exchange about U2. We both agreed we hated Bono's politics, but thought he was really charismatic, and thought the band was the sh*t.

I always wonder about these kinds of things. You never know what happens to longtime members on forums when they suddenly just stop posting.

Well this sucks. I'd like to post some questions, but I'll respect the OP's original wishes.

Sorry esh, maybe I'll chat yah up in the next life--at the pace you fly though, I doubt I'll ever be able to catch you in there either! :D

peri, all I can do from this distance is throw you a big internet hug. I wish it was more. True friends are rarer and more valuable than gold, and it sounds like he loved the fact that you gave him one. It's one of the best gifts anyone can give another person, so you honor him both in life and death.

Dang. I was gonna go play around in Fun & Games, but now I don't feel like it anymore. Now I just want to go off and cry.

Nifferka 05-10-11 12:10 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BouCoupDinkyDau (Post 1083340)
Now I just want to go off and cry.

I hate crying, and I'm doing it anyway.

I'm so sorry, peri.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

I can't send you a hug big enough.

BouCoupDinkyDau 05-10-11 12:11 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Nifferka (Post 1083382)
I hate crying, and I'm doing it anyway.

Yeah, me too. :(

This is BS.

metzfanaz 05-10-11 01:00 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
:(

Long Live Esh.

As much as a PITA he was sometimes, he definately made being on the Forums a lot of fun and playing the games an addictive feature.

Sorry to hear Peri. :(

BouCoupDinkyDau 05-10-11 01:11 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
If this is all too hard-hitting, please cut this post out and don't respond to it.

So then, I don't understand. What was the cause of death? Was he sick with a disease? It sounds like you drove him to Mexico? For some kind of treatment? You're also talking of mental illnesses though, which leads me to believe he made his own decision for himself. Was he struggling with his issues? I can't remember quite right, but it seems like he would post sometimes that he hated people and felt lonely.

Please forgive me as I confuse a lot of us in here. We are all so much alike.

Abi 05-10-11 01:13 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Bou,

He didn't hate people. Sometimes he felt people hated him. He had a lot of love to give, very little hate. Something we could all learn from him.

He was severely Bipolar 1 and succumbed to his illness, after 19 years of ups and downs.

BouCoupDinkyDau 05-10-11 01:15 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I remember he p*ssed me off on a few occasions with his thread invasions. LOL But it was never anything that would bring out my really mean side. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by abi2010 (Post 1083441)
He was severely Bipolar 1 and succumbed to his illness, after 19 years of ups and downs.

That's my mother as well. There's almost nothing you can do about it. The person is at the mercy of those chemical shifts. You can medicate it, but it only helps to a degree, and the person on meds almost always stops them, saying, "I don't need to take these, I feel fine!" and then they're back in the slump again. So in some ways, that condition was totally out of his hands.

My mother made one or two attempts over the years. I had two (one was very close), but they obviously didn't pan out. Mine was because of my sense of worthlessness. I didn't know I had ADD, I just thought life sucked. I didn't inherit my mother's bipolar.

Quote:

Originally Posted by peripatetic (Post 1083428)
he would've been thirty-eight on june 21st.

He was four months older than me.

Well peri, you are correct. He was a fixture here, and it will not be the same without him.

peripatetic 05-10-11 01:26 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
uh...no...he didn't get into a street fight. he actually...he's NEVER hit a person. or been hit. he's a very sensitive man. he's been "drunk" TWICE. i mean...he's not breaking bottles over heads and such. he had a very loving, but yes with being grandiose...that's the mania....the esh....was a sensitive, caring...ve

BouCoupDinkyDau 05-10-11 01:32 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Thank you for sharing. I know it is hard, but I think he would appreciate how much he was actually appreciated.

Again, I hug you.

Retromancer 05-10-11 01:51 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Peri he couldn't have had a better friend. Kudos for having been there for the bad times as well as the good.

HUG

sarek 05-10-11 02:00 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
All my thoughts and my prayers go with you Esh. I know that you can see us now and be happy that so many love you so dearly.

shysmile 05-10-11 02:27 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I don't have any words. :(:(:(

tinywiney 05-10-11 02:30 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Esh: One of a kind, more spirit than earthly, shaman, lover of Lilith, horoscope maker who used only your own intuitive powers (I never told you how accurate mine was), prankster, mischief maker, a genuinely kind, loving and in a way innocent soul, with a nice voice (from seeing your videos). That's how I remember you. You are with us always.

Dizfriz 05-10-11 02:33 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
He will be missed. Not a bad epitaph all in all. Would we all leave that much behind.

Dizfriz

julesjampot 05-10-11 02:57 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Oh Peri,devistated for you,cant stop sobbing, a lovely fellow full of fun and just same as Tinywiney said he got my reading to a tea.
We will never forget you Esh, go party with the angels.
Hugs to you Peri, Be strong Jules

fletcherface 05-10-11 04:00 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I haven't been around that long, or recently, but as others have said, thoughts and prayers with you Peri. I hope you find a peace that words cannot begin to describe.

K-Funk 05-10-11 05:14 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I only knew him from our brief interactions on this board, but I'm crying right now in my office and I'm just so sorry Perri what you said about him was beautiful and you honor his memory well.

zannie 05-10-11 05:17 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I didn't know eshy that well either but he truly was one of a kind! To all of you who had a special connection to him I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Peri, I am so glad that he left you those videos to help you through this.
May his spirit join the starlight.

anonymouslyadd 05-10-11 05:24 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I'm so sorry Peri. I wish there was something I could do for you.

Thank you for the memoriam that brought me to tears. I don't have tissues so I had to grab toilet paper.

I didn't know esh for very long on here. From what I saw, he was a really funny, passionate guy. He had dreams and desires, :(:(which I'm sorry won't be fullfilled for him. He was honest with himself and seemed to have a solid sense of who he was. He would have been a fun guy to hang out with.

As I began my time on addforums, he was one of the people who stood out.

I like that he did the youtube videos thing. I liked being connected to him. I was able to watch a video of his in which he mentioned my username, which made feel special, loved, and known. Thanks Esh.

I miss the thread Esh did on fortune telling. I can remember him giving me a fortune, and I seriously laughed. I miss his sense of humor.

I enjoyed the conversation you and Esh had on here. I envied it.

As you grieve, I hope you know I care and am willing to offer you support. I am forthcoming when it comes to things I say, and I hope my words come across as honoring, filled with care.

Take care Peri.

APSJ 05-10-11 07:45 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Peri, I said I would post in this thread, and had every intention of coming up with something profound to say, but having read your opening post, I find I'm largely at a loss for words. But, I said I would, so am going to try...

I didn't know esh well, but was struck initially by his seemingly limitless exuberance and engagement, and greatly appreciated the sense of contagious levity that seemed to permeate so much of what he wrote. It's something that seems to be in awfully short supply these days.

But, I know that Esh was unimaginably more to you than a source of levity, and I truly can't express how sorry I am that you've lost him.

In reading your post, and contemplating my relatively brief acquaintance with Esh through his online presence, the incredible, and by most measures improbable, nature of the beautiful relationship you developed stands out to me from the tragedy of his loss.

I get calls from people every day at my job, nominally in connection with legal claims, who it quickly becomes clear are more interested in finding someone, anyone, who will listen to them, understand them, support them, or at the very least not dismiss them, than in resolving the issue they called about. Some are ecstatic just to have someone listen to them, even if told at the end that I can't help.

Others are not. Others see me as the latest in a long series of people, places, and entities that have dismissed them. They know that, truly, it's likely I *could* help them, just not in the capacity I work. I could leave my job and devote myself to helping them, listening to them, supporting them through whatever means necessary, but I won't. And for most of them, neither will anyone else. No one has a profound enough connection with them to generate that level of investment in their happiness or success. Many who are initially thrilled to have someone listen, who I have repeated communication with, imagine that such a connection exists, despite my best efforts to dissuade them, and are ultimately disappointed with me, irrespective of whether I fix what they called about, when they realize it's not the case. I feel terrible for these people, and I can't imagine going through life with such a sense of isolation.

While I don't know enough about Esh's circumstances to guess whether he might have been in danger of being in that position had he not encountered you, I do know that once he did he was not. I know the impact that having someone believe in you, truly trust you, genuinely understand you, and care deeply enough to be unreservedly in your corner, whatever may come, and whatever that may require, can have. It can give meaning to a life that seems to have none. It is something that can be grasped onto, no matter how difficult things become, that can be a source of comfort and peace no matter how deep one may sink, even if it be a depth from which there is no return.

I know that your relationship with Esh had all of these components, and while I know it does nothing to mitigate the enormity of the tragedy or of your loss, I can't help but think that this fact, that he knew you were with him no matter what, that he was understood, cared for, and immeasurably important to someone equally important to him, even at the end, is a beautiful thing. He had, in you, what all of the people who call me in desperation are seeking, and so much more. Not a resolution of intractable problems, but a connection, being able to convey who he is to another human being, and thus be incorporated into who they are, they into him.

EYEFORGOT 05-10-11 08:07 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
1 Attachment(s)
Flowers for Eshkaron

anonymouslyadd 05-10-11 08:13 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by peripatetic (Post 1083447)
uh...no...he didn't get into a street fight. he actually...he's NEVER hit a person. or been hit. he's a very sensitive man. he's been "drunk" TWICE. i mean...he's not breaking bottles over heads and such. he had a very loving, but yes with being grandiose...that's the mania....the esh....was a sensitive, caring...very emotionally moved man.

due to the "mixed state", which brings on intense self-loathing, physical writhing in pain and wincing, sleeplessness, hopelessness, been/was proving to be, the resistance to treatment he had been before and felt, and because he had catatonic depression as a next step to look forward to, he took his own life.


:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

I'm sorry he was suffering in that way. It's horrible. Just horrible.

anonymouslyadd 05-10-11 08:27 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by BouCoupDinkyDau (Post 1083439)
If this is all too hard-hitting, please cut this post out and don't respond to it.

So then, I don't understand. What was the cause of death? Was he sick with a disease? It sounds like you drove him to Mexico? For some kind of treatment? You're also talking of mental illnesses though, which leads me to believe he made his own decision for himself. Was he struggling with his issues? I can't remember quite right, but it seems like he would post sometimes that he hated people and felt lonely.

Please forgive me as I confuse a lot of us in here. We are all so much alike.

I haven't had the easiest time understanding people in general. I'm getting better. I would read a lot of Eshs' posts and even if there was something I didn't agree with, I never felt like his heart wasn't in the right place.

I never had the impression that he wasn't a good guy. He seemed like a nice, genuine guy as Peri describes. His Youtube videos reflected this too.

I think this, when life ends, is one of the most important components about a human. Esh had it.

theburr 05-10-11 08:31 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
I'm so sorry to hear such sad news.

It's hard to imagine how awful he must have been feeling, and what you must be going through now. It sounds like he was went through hell on earth. No one should have to suffer like that.

Rebelyell 05-10-11 09:29 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
How sad sorry for your loss hugs,I guess now hes in the great big sky with his maker.Holy cow I never realized he was soo close to the edge so close to ending it all an throwing in the towel on life.:(Its sad no 1 saw it coming to somehow help him:(RIP ESHY

Sandy4957 05-10-11 09:31 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
So sorry, Peri. He was a very interesting person. Such a loss.

TygerSan 05-10-11 09:34 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Quote:

I guess now hes in the great big sky with his maker.
Or dancing blissfully with Lillith. . .

Wherever he is, I hope that he's found peace.

Rebelyell 05-10-11 09:44 PM

Re: eshperiful...in memoriam
 
Me too,I know so many of us have an inner turmoil that doesnt go away but this is just shocking..I can somewhat understand how 1 gets to the point of wanting out on life.


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