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Drogheda98 02-10-19 03:34 AM

self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
if I' not putting this in the right folder, I'm sorry mods :umm1: my bad

I fully accept I'm smart, in the past I've denied that fact, it could of been some sort of defense, dunknow. people who are smart like I am, we... there is almost a kind of melancholy. and I don't mean to trigger anyone or say anything that is hurtfull to anyone, I'm just... processing this part of me I haven't, or skimed over, in the past

to be able to formulate the simple and complex, appreciate a sunset just because and know the formation of the cosmo's that caused the sunset, and sunrise, in both the psychological and physical, to intertwine the beauty in everything, in everyone. I'm lucky as all that to be able to process such things. others, can't, and it hurts, you know.

I recently read an ncbi article that state it beautifully, that those of us, like me in this regard, are burned in trying to unshackle these chains. upwards of 2 deviations in the iq department, a part of the brain is different from the rest of societies(140-150ish here). the connecting the dots, is... just, something my brain does on automatic. on the other hand, it's people like me who... and I'm saying this to just... relate to myself, who can change the world,

that's always been the daunting call. either use my full potential or, not. and I've peiced together through therapy, change the inner world for the better to change the outer for the better. it's not about me, life is about everyone (including our beloved dogs). ya, I'm part of the equation, I'm not the equation, I can just add my certain recipe to lifes equation for the good of everyone.

the hero's journey, at first I just thought, it was a particular psychological construct. it isn't, it's answering our own individual calls and then being the hero. I'm not the hero for me, and sorry for a bit of ego (small ego is fine), I'm the hero, for those who can't be one, I'm the hero for those in the future, and for those in the present. on par with the monomyth, I refused that call in the past.

not anymore. we are all hero's in our own journey, but the journey isn't the end point. I guess this is what me and my therapist said, get my sh** together, to answer the call. my journey is just begging, but it's not about me, I'm privileged in taking part of the journey and that's as far as my privilege goes, that I am able.

my therapist said, a long time ago "ya you (me) can think, but what about those who can't" that's the answer to the call, that is what it's about, that is what the journey is about, and that, is my path in this, going forward.

my lexicon has changed, and continues to the more I put psyche imprints on words and representations.

there is a sign in my therapist office, it reads "it you don't know what it is, you can still keep moving forward", I think, I just parced out what it is.

piece.

namazu 02-10-19 04:10 AM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda98 (Post 2014651)
I fully accept I'm smart

Are you sure that you fully accept it, though?

Most people I know who are super-smart and are comfortable with that don't keep mentioning how smart they are, nor drop their high IQ into every conversation.

I bring this up because you've been doing a lot of that lately, which gives the impression that you may still be somewhat insecure about it....? (If you've been operating for years under the mistaken belief that you're not smart, I can understand why you might feel like shouting from the rooftops that you are smart! But -- being brutally honest here -- it can be off-putting.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda98
to be able to formulate the simple and complex, appreciate a sunset just because and know the formation of the cosmo's that caused the sunset, and sunrise, in both the psychological and physical, to intertwine the beauty in everything, in everyone.

Yes, it is wonderful and satisfying to be able to appreciate the complexity and beauty of the universe on many levels.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda98
it's people like me [...] who can change the world,

that's always been the daunting call. either use my full potential or, not. and I've peiced together through therapy, change the inner world for the better to change the outer for the better.

[...]

I guess this is what me and my therapist said, get my sh** together, to answer the call.

I wish you continued success in your quest to "get [your] sh** together", to be the best you that you can be, and to change the world for the better.

Regardless of IQ/intelligence, I think that's what a lot of us are working to achieve.

:yes:

tazoz 02-10-19 11:15 AM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
I looked back at your past posts and one sentence jumped out at me: that being a musician is a mask. I feel that this is relevant to a certain extent to your post. Being a hero is akin to being a musician as it is to being smart. They are constructs that we use to stabilize ourselves and our identities. The idea that we are all the heroes of our stories is correct in its essence yet it ignores the fact that being a hero is an element of identity that is imparted on us by others. When we call someone a hero we highlight certain actions that they did, experiences that they had and impart on those actions meaning, using them to define the identity of that person in our eyes. Our future perceptions of their actions are influenced accordingly.

A while back, I wrote something to a teacher in context of trauma. There are two types of disabilities, one that comes from war, the other from anything else. The difference is that society treats war victims as heroes and that is not true for diability caused by illness, for example, that's just a disability. As someone who had a childhood illness that left me disabled, this difference is painful to a certain extent because my struggles and everything I coped with aren't given the needed support, I have to cope alone every day of my life with something that made every future achievement harder. In contrast, a person injured in war is placed within a system of support as part of this heroic social construct, they represent someone to be admired and looked up to and as such society goes out of their way to help them recover.

With this in mind, I am not a hero, I can only define myself according to my own actions and words and how they ultimately affect the world around me. Looking back, I have helped others and done some good but I've also not been able to live up to my expectations of myself, so instead of regreting the past, I must find ways to act differently so I don't repeat the same mistakes in the years to come or alternatively I have to reavaluate my own expectations and accept that I am only human and I can only do what I can in context of the cards handed to me.

The healthy way to look at it is to combine both, learning from the past is important but also accepting the past and the journey that we've been through to become the person that we are today, for better and for worse.

:grouphug:

Drogheda98 02-10-19 05:29 PM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
to namu, I think I am, or am starting to. not just in the shouting from the rooftops department, but in being comfortable with what it is that I can do. it's a part of me that, growing up, wasn't fostered by my caregivers for me, you know. so I'm starting to foster it for myself, but not just for myself, that's where the compassion stuff comes in and to

tazoz. construing the hero, or embodying was like a shortcut to embodying other modes of being (such as being part of the student body, a concept I hadn't grasped before)

and from what you said above, that's why I said I'm not the hero in my life for my sake. if just thinking that way is more of a mental thing for myself, I don't know, however, thinking of myself in that way leverages this part of myself. however, that is where the privilege ends for me, I'm not the hero for me, I get the privilege of being one for someone else in the future.

Drogheda98 02-10-19 07:12 PM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
so, I was out on a walk, and the light rain was cascading down my face and was reminded of the phoenix myth, and then of the harmonious theory. that's smart people are either living harmoniously in light of something or disharmoniously and the words that we each say has an affect on how we are in the world.

ya, myth isn't real the same way the brain isn't plastic, but both concepts describe how the brain operates, not on a cold hard logic basis, but on the emotional context of being.

I got to thinking about what you (namu) and you(tazo) said, and what I said. and then realized. the reason why the hero myth, the monomyth etc... resonates so strongly withen me, is that my father, wasn't a hero to me. I always had to look outside the family for my hero's. for those superego lessons to push me forwards, cause I never got that at home, or rarely. on terms of my smartness, I was never taught how to just be myself and to utilize my own internal workings for external workings, everything was always done for me.

I think that's why the hero myth is so ingrained in my psyche. it's a way of reminding myself to always push forwards, to charge towards the unknown and make sense of it all. the hero strives were others fall.

however, I was serious when I said, I want to be the hero not for myself, not completely. I think we are all hero's in our own inner worlds and just like everything inner, in synchronicity, this starts to reflect the outer world, or I am in the outer world. to be the hero now for the future people in my life, learning to push myself beyond my own limits and comfort zone now, so later... ya.

out of all the atoms and trillions of years, (heh, I could get... lol, sloppy describing this), the accretion of light to matter to matter to stars to stars to supernova to supernova to planets to planets to earth to earth to us, we are beyond lucky to be alive.

Drogheda98 02-11-19 06:30 PM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
just want to post this here as an update.

today I had a huge biology test, and last night after I made this thread, studied biology (every chapter) for about 6 hours, I then woke up at 8 (hurray for early birds) and studied for about 3 more hours.

the precise diagrams and notes I took yesterday, ehh, well this morning I was able to peice together information far better (that brain plasticity thing, study, sleep, the neurons get stronger) just like magic, or a flip of a switch. I was actually kind of amazed cause It's just been so long sense I've studied that much.

and even though I studied for a long time I didn't reach my limit (as in, ya I got tired at about 1 am, however, the information that I studied was successfully synthesized ). I answered every question on the test, double checked after the test and besides just a few names of proteins (as in missing the names for proteins but describing their function to a T) I'm hopefully optimistic.

and I felt good about it. I think I need to pace myself more, however... even though I'm tired now (heh) I'm ready to go full force of calculas and accounting work... maybee after a nap.

namazu 02-11-19 06:57 PM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
Glad you feel good about the bio exam (and I hope you also feel proud of the work you put into studying for it)!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda98 (Post 2014735)
even though I'm tired now (heh) I'm ready to go full force of calculas and accounting work... maybee after a nap.

Definitely don't discount the importance of sleep for general well-being and for consolidating memories. (I say, operating on 2 hrs. of sleep myself...:doh::lol:)

Drogheda98 02-11-19 08:39 PM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
thank you namu. a bit of pride doesn't hurt just as long as it doesn't get out of hand, I think I'm just starting to realize my potential, also the moral aspect of superego formation (I've allreaddy started to self reflect, a lot and even if I'm not typing directly at you namu or myself, it is what it is, part of the process, I think as long as I keep doing my work and speak my mind honestly, however, I was talking to you namu cause I captured(just the word I'm using now, don't want to go way down the rabbit hole right now) your thought and responded in kind.

even if I didn't do as good on the test as I think I did,(and I did some techniques before "the test is neither hard nor easy, it's just a test, a normal test) just knowing the feeling of doing work and having the notebook that shows that I did my work, the feeling of thoughts coming together and synthesizing, just knowing that feeling was a piece of the picture I needed, one that I think was fragmented a while back (heh, linear phase memory just poped in my head, one of the first things my therapist told me about)

I've also started to catch myself in some, distorted thoughts. like when I say "I don't know" but know. this self trust thing is starting to make more sense to me.

changing the subject just a bit (heh, categorization). before self consciousness had a negative conitation to it, now it doesn't. like, I don't even know why self conciousness HAD a negative bit to it.

the antidote to self helplessness (again, a thought going way back in therapy) is to help the self, myself, this guy right here (heh). for me to help myself in the doings of the things (heh, I'll conceptualize the vocab better probably tomorrow after I sleep tonight).

one thing that did happen and something I didn't expect, was right after biology I had a sinking feeling. I need to conceptualize this thought further, we had bio lab after the test and I like being around the group that I'm in. the actual lab was about light microscopes(right up my alley), you know, seeing the stuff we actually got done being tested over (my drawings are grade A but actually seeing the stuff is something else).

however, I think, I also just like being a part of a group, sure I'm the most scientifically minded in the group, but that doesn't matter, like, just being a part of something and helping the way I can in class (understanding the aperture of a microscope to get the best image for everyone else, heh, same with a camera or telescope really).

and I think this is an adhd thing where I jump off that topic to another topic that is similar. I'm not going to do the old hand analogy (cause I know the mental thing that is associated with it). I don't have to pick which part I like more than the other, I like both scientific stuff AND being part of a group. .

just lately, I've been putting more up the puzzle pieces together, and I think I might be starting to like myself.

also sense just talking (well righting) all this out is helping, another thing I've found out about myself is sign in sheets. ever sense my therapist and I (and I'm just representing what my therapist said and relating to what he said cause he really helped me re-conceptualize time and space), like, self imposed sign in sheets help tremendously. seeing the representation of myself through tie in sign in sheets, just... helps tremendously. I have a page in each of my notebooks that have one.

jwynnwire 02-11-19 08:41 PM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
To OP - I sense a hint of fear in your post. But I am glad you are coming to terms within yourself. May you soon find a courage to take that small step.


"Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something is more important than fear; The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”

― Meg Cabot, The Princess Diaries

namazu 02-11-19 09:53 PM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda98 (Post 2014743)
even if I didn't do as good on the test as I think I did,(and I did some techniques before "the test is neither hard nor easy, it's just a test, a normal test) just knowing the feeling of doing work and having the notebook that shows that I did my work, the feeling of thoughts coming together and synthesizing, just knowing that feeling was a piece of the picture I needed

Yeah, this is what I meant about pride -- not the hubris kind, but the satisfaction of knowing you worked to achieve something, and succeeded.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda
changing the subject just a bit (heh, categorization). before self consciousness had a negative conitation to it, now it doesn't. like, I don't even know why self conciousness HAD a negative bit to it.

Being aware of/tuned into yourself, your feelings, your strengths, your weaknesses -- that seems like a useful thing.

It's when you get so tangled up in worry about how you look to others that "self-consciousness" can be detrimental, when it distracts you from what you are really trying to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda
I don't have to pick which part I like more than the other, I like both scientific stuff AND being part of a group.

Nah, they're definitely not mutually exclusive. I've seen some great groups do some great science (and have fun together).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda
just lately, I've been putting more up the puzzle pieces together, and I think I might be starting to like myself.

That's a huge win right there. :yes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drogheda
also sense just talking (well righting) all this out is helping, another thing I've found out about myself is sign in sheets [...] self imposed sign in sheets help tremendously. seeing the representation of myself through tie in sign in sheets, just... helps tremendously. I have a page in each of my notebooks that have one.

I don't know what you mean here. Can you explain how you use sign-in sheets (and what they look like)? Is it a way to hold yourself accountable, and/or to record your effort/progress?

Drogheda98 02-12-19 12:16 AM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
the easiest way to explain it is just, heh.

so in biology class, the professor hands out a sign in sheet for the class, none of the other professors do that.

guess which class I'm doing the best in thus far, heh. I started applying that to other parts of my life, and thinking of utilizing these sheets more of from an economic angle.

so, I started in the front of each of my notebooks to put in like, a log of how many times I've opened the notebook (doing work). so, I've been doing that with most stuff.

like, just seeing how many times I've opened up a notebook to start the process of whatever the notebook intails (whatever concept) is, fantastic.

that bit about pride and hubrious, I've never thought of it that way. to process the new info well...

I think Jordan Peterson said it best (again, just representing his thought, ya I remind myself on concepts I need to, the boundaries thing). "life isn't a game, it's a set of game and the ultimate winner is someone who can play to their upmost in each game with being invited back" I guess the difference between pride and hubris, is that last bit. not bragging, just doing and helping others do the things I have done in grace., cause god knows I need it in other parts of my life.

a bit, automaton sounding right now however, I'm feeling better about myself and I think after a bit, I'll be more gracefull, just one step at a time, one day at a time

tazoz 02-12-19 06:28 AM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
As a continuation to what you posted about the positive feelings that you have in relation to being part of a group. I wanted to share with you some words about the connection that we have with others; think of the image that you have of the people in your group, of their clothes and what their lives might be like. Think of how you believe they perceive the world and what experiences they might have had to make them the people that they are today. All of the answers to these questions are a personal narrative that helps you figure out how to respond and interact with them. In a similar manner, they rely on a schemata relating to how they perceive you to connect and interact with you.

We are all just human beings, individuals in a world of near endless connections and interactions. However, we also contain within us the lives that we lived, the connections that we made along the way and the potential to change other people's lives for the better. The people in the group might remain with you as you move forward in life and continue to change your life in various ways. Everything we do has meaning and knowing to navigate this world in a way that leaves you fulfilled and happy is a huge challenge for everyone.

If you want to change the world, to help others, I believe that it is important to accept that you are a small piece of a larger puzzle and that the connections that you make are often the catalysts for change in the future. In other words, to accept that you are never truly alone on your journey through life. :grouphug:

sarahsweets 02-12-19 09:27 AM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
I do not mean any disrespect by this:

You seem to like to talk about yourself and how smart you are or creative and special you are. I have no idea if this is true or not but it perplexes me because you say you are proud but the way you talk isn't pride at least not entirely:
Quote:


Pride is an inwardly directed emotion that carries two antithetical meanings. With a negative connotation pride refers to a foolishly[1] and irrationally corrupt sense of one's personal value, status or accomplishments,[2] used synonymously with hubris. In Judaism, pride is called the root of all evil. With a positive connotation, pride refers to a humble and content sense of attachment toward one's own or another's choices and actions, or toward a whole group of people, and is a product of praise, independent self-reflection, and a fulfilled feeling of belonging.

I am not saying you are not proud, and I have no idea if you are really a super genius or the most creative person I would ever meet-that doesn't matter to me but- to be honest its offputting to read or hear from anyone. This isn't an attack I am truly confused.
I am proud that I am sober and on my anniversery I will share how long but I really try not to talk about how well I do it, how I overcame it and how great I am because of it. I work with a lot of addicts and volunteer in some unsavory places but I do not go around telling all my recovery friends what I am doing or how awesome I am to the women in the prisons. I try and make a difference using the skills I have to help when I can. It feels great to know I am helping but it feels great to me on the inside. It may give me self confidence and security in who I am but I do not need to share how sober of a person I am and how awful I used to be and how awesome I am now. Its sort of like being a silent success. The only recognition I need is from myself. I do not see the need to talk about how intelligent you are. Even if you are struggling with self acceptance or self love. It would be something for a therapy session that's for sure- a therapist can help you work on self acceptance and reliance but it isn't anything that others need to be told. They will know these things about you if they are true by how you behave and your actions. We are never remembered for what we say, we are remembered by what we do. Being proud and even accepting of good things about ourselves means being humble. It just comes off the wrong way otherwise. Like I said I am not trying to be mean or pick on you I just felt the need to share this and to see if I am the only one who sees things this way.
I mean I do not feel envious of you or wish I was as intelligent as you are. I am secure at being average in intelligence and perhaps above average in emotional intelligence. I do not wish to be any other way than the way I am. But who knows? Maybe I need to check my motives or something. Maybe I am missing the bigger picture. I am not above being wrong or misunderstanding.

Drogheda98 02-12-19 11:20 PM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
I'm sorry I've come off like that in the past sarrah.

I think, maybe namuzu might have caught onto this (just have a hunch on that).

the last two years I've been navigating the labyrinth of my mind, and it all happend when my therapist sayd look inwards, almost 2 years ago when I reached first enlightenment (that was par the corse to end depression in just my setting, so I'm thinking my personal therapist knew me well enough, what I talked about etc.... to send me on the path)

I think namu might have realized that when I said picked up more pieces of the puzzle. again, a hunch (hey I'm using words that I never have, heh).

in the labrynth, sometimes, it would be hard to tell if I was talking to myself, or others, my thread (you know, the thing that theses followed to escape the labyrinth of dedelus) is that notion of IQ, the thing that kept me going was the thing that was known to me, my potential for change that is connected directly to my IQ (cause that's all iq is, potential). My therapist said to me that I was (heh, for those keeping score, I didn't project), and said for me to use it that was before I descended the labrynth of the mind.

heh, I had the thread all long, he just reminded me. it was key to if I could or couldn't turn this ship around , now I know why my therapis said something he did) the concept of my therapist has been such a huge deal to me the past 2 years during the process I would of been completely lost without his guidence, and smarts comes up in therapy (to get to THIS point I had to decode XOR statments of ABCD statements using, like, haddores theorey(thats not the name for the theory it just roughly sounds like that (why my therapist always told me to go to khan academy cause the theory was there)

I guess, to put it another way (and like, my brain is, well not exploding, but if you just look at the differences between my writing style from lastnight to now, like a well of energy has straightforward I feel like running a marathon).

ya, I was never told how to utilize my iq so I became really good at telling people that and a lot of times had facts and figures to brunt people over the head, not so good at the doing cause of self helplessness. I think were namu is saying the two different notions are pride of doing (putting in the worlk that my faculties facilitate) rather than the hubris part, and I had to litterly have 1 day so far out of the labrynth of the mind that I could catch that thought with the ego, one day were I did an emmense amount of work, to capture the essence of the moment and the meaning behind what namu said, and I think (again the hunch) namu knew or had an inclining (cause of my past posting habits perhaps) what was going on with me last night. and namu, you are a magician, heh. I'll dedicate a poem or song or something to the magician named namu who opened the magic door in my head (sorry:giggle:) or just, gave it a push.


and then forming the blueprint from(well, you know, connecting the dots), last night basicly, to understand the psychological apparatus

and yes, I do mean that as a defense to myself, not against you sarah, I like you enough from the time I have been here, but against the notion. beign smart isn't all rosses. if you look at the thread yesterday you would be able to see in my writing about how ambivalent to it It was. to put it another way, it's as much of a stigma on a smart person as the message we get from society about having adhd, and I don't tell people I have adhd. I haven't told anyone outside the boards in a very long time, for the exact same reason. if you look online, people with 140ish iq are either mad or other in themselves.

you might think that someone who is smart would just, be able to do all the things, however, I'm 38 and I knew my iq was 140ish when I was around 16. part of the central question, was why I had such a time doing things. I'm not alone in with the statement, it's echo'd online everywhere and there is a very good reason why, and the answer I just litterly answered in my head with all this new information and vitality (it's like a cognitive barrier has been lifted in my brain). I'm already starting to try to formulate the superego statements, not to control but to be a lighthouse pointing to information, I'm already formulating new statements in my mind about habits, work, school, ethics, etc..etc..

and the tumbler, I think I owe to namu and possibly tazo(not going to parse the diouloge :giggle:. as soon as I said what jordan peterson said. (I'm kind of excited right now)

you know, the "jordan peterson said "you.....

first thing to understand, living with an controlling family (the self helplessness stuff) is not... not having a superego, however, the people that supply the superego are, generally the parents. if I had 10 dollars I would bet that the key notion of self helplessness comes from overcontroling parents.

my therapist supplied me with the blueprint, I would keep on hearing his super ego "you gota be ok with that" and when I thought that, I typically would be ok with whatever (just an example), however I would always difer back to the memory of therapy when he would say that, and give me other superego statements. I would get my other blueprints from, starwars (god I talked about yoda in therapy forever), I mean, cool, however, not very helpful in life. the other part is the process

I know why I would remember a "you" from one of my favorite games, a "you" from my favorite songs. my parents didn't really supply me with the blueprint (now I get why my therapist said self helplessness and the stuff I've been through litterly isn't my fault), and I love them no matter cause ya... it's like all the stuff my therapist and I ever talked bout is coming together right now in my mind., how pathology is generational, I understand now why my parents say some of the things they do.

not going to say I'm 100% with the concept of the apparatus, there is a LOT of info out there, I mean, this realization came on the heals of lastnight. but I you know, I think I'm getting it.

I think friday is going to be a big day for me, heh, I'm just curious about how I'll be tomorrow got a lot to do, and I'm finally, ready to get cracking..

heh, it's funny, yesterday I quoted the phoenix myth, right now, if I could litterly be on fire I would be my mind is like running 10 times faster than just yesterday, my writing and articulation is a lot more flued. whihch is a good thing cause I got a thesis and a body paragraph for a report to wright in the morning and I hate hemming-way with a passion.

Drogheda98 02-13-19 12:10 AM

Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.
 
btw, these thoughts are new, and if I'm headed in the wrong direction ,anyone.

please tell me. I think this is the leap of faith, I just want to make sure it's the right one before cementing anything in stone.


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