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-   -   I'm so triggered by everything (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=188823)

WhiteOwl 11-09-17 01:56 PM

I'm so triggered by everything
 
Everything seems to trigger my suspicion and I don't know what's normal or not. Figured I might as well start a thread so I can see what other people think is normal. I feel like I might have a lot of questions.

Is it a red flag when a guy seems to be trying to impress you with the money he makes, or is that normal? I may have let a little bit of my crazy show, because that stuff ****** me off a little, and I think I made it clear that doesn't impress me, but he didn't seem bothered by it and otherwise seems humble about it.

Also, when I hear things like "business owner" and "lots of traveling for business", I immediately think of being gone all the time, a work-a-holic, never making time for family, etc. And due to my history, this is a huge trigger for me. I know that it's not that way with all men who travel for business, though, so I'm trying to keep an open mind. He works from home when he's not traveling, takes his kids with him when he travels and seems to do a lot with them. He says he works hard, but plays harder. Judging by his pictures, I tend to believe it. When he asked what I was looking for and I told him, he said it was the same for him, but he could be lying of course. I don't get the impression he is, though.

I just feel like everything is a trigger or a red flag for me. How do I know what the real red flags are? I can't even trust my own suspicious mind and I'm afraid that will drive people away. I haven't scared him away yet, though, and said I needed someone patient and he said he is and everyone has issues. Are these good signs, bad signs....?

Lunacie 11-09-17 02:19 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
I'd be wondering whether "travels a lot for business" means he's actually still
married and is just looking for a mistress.:eyebrow:

I never knew anyone with a lot of money so I don't know about that one.

OyVeyKitty 11-09-17 02:25 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Without actually seeing/hearing the conversation as it happened it's difficult to say whether it is a red flag or not. However, in my experience if my instincts are telling me something isn't right, that's probably true. I have tried to ignore the feeling several times and all of them ended badly.

That said, you said you need someone patient and he said he is patient, which is great. That means that you can take your time to find out if you want and just call them "orange flags" for now. Keep them in mind but keep talking to him and if more of them pop up, keep posting here to get some outside perspective maybe?

Just know that you never need an excuse or reason to stop talking to him. The only reason you need is that you no longer want to! :)

Edit: Lunacie brought up a very good point! Definitely keep that in mind as well if his "traveling for business" feels shady in any way.

WhiteOwl 11-09-17 02:44 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lunacie (Post 1971768)
I'd be wondering whether "travels a lot for business" means he's actually still
married and is just looking for a mistress.:eyebrow:

I never knew anyone with a lot of money so I don't know about that one.

God, I hadn't thought of that, I'm so na´ve! Well, he said he just moved here from VA and that his boys still live in VA (I'm assuming with their mom) and his girls are with him full time. I'm not sure why this arrangement, but whatever. The trip he just took was supposedly to Vegas. He said I should go with them "someday" and I was like "Whoa buddy! Someday is not going to be any day soon, I don't even know you yet." But why would he say that if he was with someone else? I'm just so confused. Maybe I wasn't ready for this yet.

Maybe I need to go full psycho and hire a detective. :scratch:

OyVeyKitty 11-09-17 02:51 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1971772)
God, I hadn't thought of that, I'm so na´ve! Well, he said he just moved here from VA and that his boys still live in VA (I'm assuming with their mom) and his girls are with him full time. I'm not sure why this arrangement, but whatever. The trip he just took was supposedly to Vegas. He said I should go with them "someday" and I was like "Whoa buddy! Someday is not going to be any day soon, I don't even know you yet." But why would he say that if he was with someone else? I'm just so confused. Maybe I wasn't ready for this yet.

Maybe I need to go full psycho and hire a detective. :scratch:

OK, I think Lunacie is really on to something here, this does sound a bit fishy! :eyebrow: Also the fact that he's already saying you should go with him to Vegas sounds creepy!

WhiteOwl 11-09-17 03:05 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Thank you, I'm glad I asked. *Sigh* Maybe I should go back to plan A, just not look for anyone. He's the only person I've wanted to talk to on there and if it turns out to just be a scam, I don't think I can take more pain. I think I just don't understand guys, either.

WhiteOwl 11-09-17 03:31 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Should I just stop talking to him? If I do keep talking to him, what questions should I ask. He said I can ask anything, but is asking stuff about his former relationships and stuff appropriate?

OyVeyKitty 11-09-17 03:47 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1971781)
Should I just stop talking to him? If I do keep talking to him, what questions should I ask. He said I can ask anything, but is asking stuff about his former relationships and stuff appropriate?

If you no longer feel like talking to him you can just stop since it's so early. If you do want to talk to him still, I don't think you can really ask him anything if you suspect he's playing you. If he's actually married and looking for a mistress (or is otherwise a bad guy) then he'll just lie about everything and say things you'll want to hear. :(

So basically, if you want to keep talking to him just keep talking but keep your guard up. I mean there's a chance that he's a nice but somewhat socially awkward guy who doesn't realize how weird he's being when he's already suggesting you go to Vegas with him. On the other hand, there's a chance that he's trying to influence you with his money and what he can do for you, which would point to him probably being abusive. :scratch:

Do what you think is best, but definitely keep your guard up either way. I feel you though, dating is such a pain. I'm currently taking a break from it all myself. I'm learning to play the piano instead, it's less frustrating! Coming from someone with ADD, that should say it all. :lol:

WhiteOwl 11-09-17 04:01 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Thanks! It's just so weird because he doesn't look like the type of person who has mistresses (kind of goofy, not suave, but casual and down to earth) and I don't fit the profile of what men look for in a mistress according to what I read online (gorgeous athletic blonds, I'm none of those). He doesn't seem like he has "game", which is one of the main reasons I messaged him back in the first place. If I can't trust that, what can I trust, you know? I deliberately look for the guys who look like they have a goofy and happy personality. You would think you could trust that.

But yeah, I'm definitely on guard even more now. He seems kind of awkward online, not a smooth talker, so maybe that's all it is, idk.

WhiteOwl 11-09-17 04:14 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
I thought maybe the comment about going with them someday was just because he didn't know what to say but wanted to express interest. At least he didn't say "someday soon". Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for it. Either way, I shut that down right quick. I'm pretty blunt and don't like to mince words.

Little Missy 11-09-17 04:19 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by OyVeyKitty (Post 1971774)
OK, I think Lunacie is really on to something here, this does sound a bit fishy! :eyebrow: Also the fact that he's already saying you should go with him to Vegas sounds creepy!

yeah, what a come on

Little Missy 11-09-17 04:20 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1971781)
Should I just stop talking to him? If I do keep talking to him, what questions should I ask. He said I can ask anything, but is asking stuff about his former relationships and stuff appropriate?

whaaat??? are you guys like on perma chat?

WhiteOwl 11-09-17 04:22 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Little Missy (Post 1971795)
whaaat??? are you guys like on perma chat?

Perma chat?

Little Missy 11-09-17 04:25 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1971799)
Perma chat?

I made the words up...us this all online at certain times or whenever?:confused:

WhiteOwl 11-09-17 04:28 PM

Re: I'm so triggered by everything
 
I wonder if my profile might attract preditors? I didn't go into detail, but just said I'm seperated and coming out of a long marriage and have circumstances that require someone with patience and openness. I want people to know that, so they can not bother contacting me if they can't handle that, but judging by the messages I'm receiving, I don't think most people are reading it. Maybe it's a target for someone looking to prey on vulnerable women, though?


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