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cobain67 03-19-17 03:41 PM

My Current Space
Since having taken my Dexedrine yesterday, some residual benefits are still in my system, so I thought I'd post my current life position to gather feedback on what others think I should do.

Currently, off medicine I will wake up, have coffee, go to the gym, go to work, go back to the gym, eat aimlessly browse the internet and sleep.

On days off work, I go to the gym, eat and lay down for 3-4 hours, eat again, maybe do laundry, go back to the gym, eat, lay down and sleep.

Things like shopping are mountainous, cleaning is rare, self care is terrible and I really don't give a **** about much anything--I do what I have to because I have to, and I could generally care less about goals, aspirations, dreams, etc. as they don't exist. I live in the NOW as much as possible to keep extreme anger and sorrow down enough to function. I work as a cashier at a grocery store, so thankfully my state is passable, though I am extremely sorrowful and depressed.

I had been on Adderall XR for 8 years, with 5 months, 8 months and 6 months off respectively, and during those times I was much more productive, clear, goal oriented, etc., but there is always a trade off in life... The trade off for me was social anxiety, feeling somewhat anti-social at times, and just not as confident as I am without medication. 6 months ago I stopped again, along with dcing clonazepam 4 months ago. I have been making progress in ways since then, but lately, one day a week the last three weeks, I've taken my Dexedrine as prescribed, so as to avoid dependency, and have seen just how terrible my living conditions are unmedicated, or they SEEM terrible. I feel like when I do take the medication, coupled with propranolol at a very low dose, I am clear again, can actually plan ahead, don't want to bash people's heads in so much, feel more balanced, etc., but I am reminded of why I stopped the adderall.. I struggle with confidence issues in taking medicine as I can't seem to scratch the feeling that I need to be natural and med-free--as I am exactly how I should be, and it is just up to me to learn to live with it, no matter how difficult, if I want the most of life eventually.

I've been so tired emotionally, but know I'm not alone, which is one thing that keeps me going everyday. I wish I could just feel well without medicine, enough to care about tomorrow and not hurt so much inside just because. Sometimes there is hope, mostly after yoga or meditation, but back in the world I just don't care and get bouts of rage that I de-escalate with breathwork, and really, HOPE someday I can find balance...

Just sharing my feelings really, and if anyone wishes to chip in feel free.

Thanks for reading

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