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-   -   End of the line (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=184144)

Surf2live 03-14-17 07:06 AM

End of the line
 
Hello
This is my first post here
Quick background
I've been diagnosed with add/ADHD when I was in elementary school
Never took it seriously. Now my marriage is in jeopardy
My symptoms have driven my wife to the end of her rope. She's no longer the happy person she used to be. There's no love between us just extreme anger and hatred towards my symptoms. What it boils down to is if I do something that she's made clear makes her uncomfortable instead of owning the mistake I instinctively make excuses and justify who I did what I did. I've started reading books, I'm going to therapy and I was prescribed vyvanse but I need it to be effective at home and I take it in the morning at work, otherwise I'll be up all night. So when I get home it's worn off. I think what another issue is is that I haven't truly accepted that I have ADHD. I know I have it. Just looking back at things that have gone on in my life, impulsivity, trouble with the law etc. I think if I really accept that I have it I would do everything in my power to get a grip on this. I have a 2 year old son and cannot picture my life without my wife and him in it. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

ricoripey 03-15-17 09:22 AM

Re: End of the line
 
Sorry to hear of your marital strife. It sounds like you genuinely want to make it work.

Have you done any couples counseling? Marriage is definitely a team effort and I would not be so quick to place 100% of the blame on one party. In the end, as married folks, we agree to except and love eachother, warts and all.

I would recommend talking to a neutral party like a marriage counselor if you haven't already. Just remember, in order for it to help, you must both have an open mind and be ready to listen.

I wish you the best of luck.

grumpygit 03-15-17 09:35 AM

Re: End of the line
 
I think I can relate to some of what you are going through. For me I would perceive that my wife is being unfair to me and I react to this, then my anger builds and it spirals out of control, it usually ends with me walking out saying we are finished, I may have punched a wall in the process. After a while the emotion and anger give way to regret, shame, embarrassment.
These would happen once or twice a year, after we had a child the lack of sleep and increased stress made them more frequent and my wife was making it clear we could not continue like this.

I sought help, doctor, counselling, medication, self help on the internet. Diagnosed with depression and now believe I have ADD & SAD it explains everything to me.

I believe I am getting there, I still have a lot of issues I think counselling for you or even you and your wife can help, they say exercise & mindfulness really help, I struggle to commit to these but thats my aim.

Hang in there, I know how everything feels absolutely terrible when you are at your lowest ebb, but the fact that your wife is still with you is a good sign.

Surf2live 03-15-17 08:34 PM

Re: End of the line
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ricoripey (Post 1937067)
Sorry to hear of your marital strife. It sounds like you genuinely want to make it work.

Have you done any couples counseling? Marriage is definitely a team effort and I would not be so quick to place 100% of the blame on one party. In the end, as married folks, we agree to except and love eachother, warts and all.

I would recommend talking to a neutral party like a marriage counselor if you haven't already. Just remember, in order for it to help, you must both have an open mind and be ready to listen.

I wish you the best of luck.

yes we have discussed couples counseling. what its come down to is she'll make clear something that she's isn't comfortable with.

take my driving for example. Ill admit I'm an aggressive driver and i always feel like I'm in a rush . Even if there isn't a deadline i have to meet i feel like i need to get to wherever it is I'm going as fast as possible. This past weekend me her and my sister in law took a trip into NYC for a concert. We had a great time and on the way home between me looking at the gps and listening to her directions because the gps started acting screwy i found myself in the left lane next to the turning lane. I needed to be in the turning lane. So i say "I'm going to have to boogie" meaning when the list turns green id jack rabbit start it to get infant of the car to my left so i can get into the tunnel and out of the city. Now she's made it clear plenty of times in the past that that kind od=f driving makes her very uncomfortable but i go ahead nd do it anyway which causes a fight.

now after situations like this happening numerous times by now you'd think id say that i realize what i did, but instead i make excuses as to why i did what i did and why she should be upset. Yea this is a little thing but after years of these similar things happening it sounds like WW3. After all this time i still can't just admit that i made a mistake and own up to it, or even better say hey i missed the turn how do we get home from here. Like i know my actions will make her feel uncomfortable, scared and after all this time infuriated.

I may be rambling but this is just a glimpse into how i keep doing the same things and expecting a different result(the definition of insanity) or can't just slow down and learn from similar previous situations

Surf2live 03-15-17 08:43 PM

Re: End of the line
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by grumpygit (Post 1937072)
I think I can relate to some of what you are going through. For me I would perceive that my wife is being unfair to me and I react to this, then my anger builds and it spirals out of control, it usually ends with me walking out saying we are finished, I may have punched a wall in the process. After a while the emotion and anger give way to regret, shame, embarrassment.
These would happen once or twice a year, after we had a child the lack of sleep and increased stress made them more frequent and my wife was making it clear we could not continue like this.

I sought help, doctor, counselling, medication, self help on the internet. Diagnosed with depression and now believe I have ADD & SAD it explains everything to me.

I believe I am getting there, I still have a lot of issues I think counselling for you or even you and your wife can help, they say exercise & mindfulness really help, I struggle to commit to these but thats my aim.

Hang in there, I know how everything feels absolutely terrible when you are at your lowest ebb, but the fact that your wife is still with you is a good sign.

this is pretty much my situation but its my wife getting frustrated and can't take it anymore. After the fight all i can think is "i can't believe i did this again" Ive been seeing a therapist and was prescribed medication today to help with underlying issues that should be addressed because it may be aggrivating or adding to my adhd . I also recently began meditating again. Its only been a few days but i do feel different. Kind of like my brain has slowed down which i think is a good thing.

ricoripey 03-28-17 10:06 AM

Re: End of the line
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Surf2live (Post 1937173)
yes we have discussed couples counseling. what its come down to is she'll make clear something that she's isn't comfortable with.

take my driving for example. Ill admit I'm an aggressive driver and i always feel like I'm in a rush . Even if there isn't a deadline i have to meet i feel like i need to get to wherever it is I'm going as fast as possible. This past weekend me her and my sister in law took a trip into NYC for a concert. We had a great time and on the way home between me looking at the gps and listening to her directions because the gps started acting screwy i found myself in the left lane next to the turning lane. I needed to be in the turning lane. So i say "I'm going to have to boogie" meaning when the list turns green id jack rabbit start it to get infant of the car to my left so i can get into the tunnel and out of the city. Now she's made it clear plenty of times in the past that that kind od=f driving makes her very uncomfortable but i go ahead nd do it anyway which causes a fight.

now after situations like this happening numerous times by now you'd think id say that i realize what i did, but instead i make excuses as to why i did what i did and why she should be upset. Yea this is a little thing but after years of these similar things happening it sounds like WW3. After all this time i still can't just admit that i made a mistake and own up to it, or even better say hey i missed the turn how do we get home from here. Like i know my actions will make her feel uncomfortable, scared and after all this time infuriated.

I may be rambling but this is just a glimpse into how i keep doing the same things and expecting a different result(the definition of insanity) or can't just slow down and learn from similar previous situations

Well it sounds like you have a handle on triggers and your behavioral reactions. The first step in changing your behavioral tendencies is recognition and acceptance. From your post content, I believe you have that.

It seems like there may be underlying reasons for your sustained behavior and her reactions. A couples counselor may be able to expose these in a neutral setting if you both go into it open minded.

sarahsweets 03-28-17 01:18 PM

Re: End of the line
 
You have adhd right?What has your wife done to learn about and understand ADHD? What kinds of coping skills has she been a partner with you on? Has she worked on changing her behavior to communicate better with you?
This is not all your fault-its just not. She has changing to do too because she cant control and change you, she can only change herself. Whatever ways she has been communicating with you up until this point isnt working. So why continue the cycle? If telling you doesnt work then anger and bitterness sure as hell wont work.Why would she keep doing it the same way when that way is broken?
meds arent magic, and therapy isnt either. You may take meds and be in therapy for years, and still have these issues. You are treating a disorder, not curing it.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Surf2live (Post 1937173)
yes we have discussed couples counseling. what its come down to is she'll make clear something that she's isn't comfortable with.

Shes making it clear that she isnt as invested enough in this to take a look at what her part in it may be. Shes uncomfortable?? What does she think you are feeling?

Quote:

now after situations like this happening numerous times by now you'd think id say that i realize what i did, but instead i make excuses as to why i did what i did and why she should be upset. Yea this is a little thing but after years of these similar things happening it sounds like WW3. After all this time i still can't just admit that i made a mistake and own up to it, or even better say hey i missed the turn how do we get home from here. Like i know my actions will make her feel uncomfortable, scared and after all this time infuriated.
Judging from what youve shared, admitting you made a mistake and need help wont change her perception or anger one bit.

I am very passionate about couples where one has adhd and the other doesnt and when both people have it. (my husband and I both have it.)

She has to change. She has to adjust just as much as she says you do. NO ONE PARTNER is responsible for the entire relationship and even more so when a person has adhd.

You are working on yourself and are expected to rescue a relationship that is doomed if you are the only one expected to do anything about it.

Friendlyriver 03-29-17 09:28 AM

Re: End of the line
 
You mention that by the time you get home it has worn off... have you thought of trying a booster, or trying an ir of Dexedrine? I have switched around for a few months and have landed quite comfortably with Dexedrine ir (about 10mg 4-5x daily). Works like a charm and I'm "covered" when at home my family at night. Makes a world of difference in my relationship with my wife and kids.

Therianthrope 07-29-17 04:14 PM

Re: End of the line
 
Many of us with spouses that don't have ADD or ADHD have been in a situation similar to yours. Medication (for me) has helped greatly.

lntense 08-07-17 04:11 PM

Re: End of the line
 
I get exactly what you are saying.




I take my XR in the am and by 430-5 it's fully worn off and I'm in a bit of a funk and not very enthusiastic about life, and my empathy is lowered. It's definitely taken a toll on my relationships but what I have learned to do is limit my use to 2-3 times per week, and take it a little later in the morning so it carries over into the evening. Otherwise I'm not super pleasant to be around.

DJ Bill 08-07-17 07:05 PM

Re: End of the line
 
I'd be talking with your doc who prescribed the meds ASAP and repeat what you have said here about it wearing off at home. Hopefully you can work it out so you have a smooth level of meds in you for a longer time. If the meds make you wake up.....might be the wrong medication for you. Please ask your doc to help you out here.

I can't see any benefit to taking your meds 3-4 days a week at all. You have ADHD every day. You've got to seem like two different people on the days off compared t the days on.

I forgot the disclaimer.....I am not a doctor nor do I play one on TV. And I've never stayed in a Holiday inn. SO don't take what I say as gospel truth. Its just my opinion.

ginniebean 08-08-17 08:30 PM

Re: End of the line
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Surf2live (Post 1937174)
this is pretty much my situation but its my wife getting frustrated and can't take it anymore. After the fight all i can think is "i can't believe i did this again" Ive been seeing a therapist and was prescribed medication today to help with underlying issues that should be addressed because it may be aggrivating or adding to my adhd . I also recently began meditating again. Its only been a few days but i do feel different. Kind of like my brain has slowed down which i think is a good thing.

Simple solution, let her drive.

I know this plays out in a hundred or more different ways. Even couples without ADHD have these sorts of issues, not to the extreme as we do tho. Your wife being uncomfortable cannot mean that she gets to play dictator. In the case of driving, her safety is also at risk, so she and we know ADHD does affect driving. We do not have a leg to stand on so, let her drive.

Good luck, couples therapy that does not take into account ADHD generally does not fare well. At least that is what the studies say. Find someone who specializes in ADHD if at all possible.

sarahsweets 08-16-17 04:08 AM

Re: End of the line
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by lntense (Post 1958915)
I get exactly what you are saying.




I take my XR in the am and by 430-5 it's fully worn off and I'm in a bit of a funk and not very enthusiastic about life, and my empathy is lowered. It's definitely taken a toll on my relationships but what I have learned to do is limit my use to 2-3 times per week, and take it a little later in the morning so it carries over into the evening. Otherwise I'm not super pleasant to be around.

Why not take a booster dose? Why limit daily adhd medication to a few days a week? Why not address the side effects by lowering your dose?

ToneTone 08-19-17 09:37 PM

Re: End of the line
 
Definitely talk to your doctor asap about a booster, as Sarah says ... Just to be clear, a booster, in your case, would most likely be a short term dose of something ... So you take the Vyvanse ... it wears off ... you would take another perhaps low dose of maybe short term Adderall or Dexedrine and the goal is to get you through a few more hours ...

You can often do that with success ... such that you get some extra hours, but you don't lose sleep ...

Definitely continue with the counseling ... Question: in addition to ADHD, is there any habit in your family ... a habit/pattern of people reacting to suggestions and criticisms like you do?

Just another possible idea to consider.

Tone

DeClutter 11-08-17 04:02 PM

Re: End of the line
 
Welcome SurfToLive!

I can relate to what you write. I have been married two times now :-)

The first time went exactly like you describe, and in the end it just spiraled out of control, i retracted in myself, put my shields up and sought out my own distractions and it ended in divorce. Note: i was not aware i had ADD then.

My second marriage arrived at a similar point as yours. two times could be a pattern, and i started to do the oppossite thing: i eventually believed it was all my fault and only my end needed fixing. Which was also not working, as that way you are the only one doing the lifting and it puts your partner in a position where they can take sole control of the relationship, without investing themselves.

Meanwhile i have some distance to it, and i can see that ADD can be really hard for a spouse to deal with, especially with kids and jobs and what not added to the mix. Awareness and a non-judging compassion on both sides is needed before the right kind of changes can be made in the relationship.

But ADD is indeed a different sort of condition and harder to understand then lets say epilepsy or cancer. People understand that the latter just are occuring to your body and you gain compassion just mentioning them.

ADD affects people's perception of your core character, without them really seeing that many things are just several times harder for you then for a neuronormal. You come accross as lazy, irresponsible, oversensitive or uninterested at times, and it is not intended like that at all. It's just that your brain comes with a much more complicated driving style than most models, and it requires a lot more maintenance on top. And that is really hard to explain.

From my experience, purely defending yourself is counterproductive. I used to do it too but i learned it's a defensive reaction born out of shame and it just puts the issue in a stalemate.

What is more productive is acknowledging your partners frustration first, then explaining where you are coming from and how it makes you feel and finally end with an invitation to find a solution for these conflicts together, so that you can learn to understand eachother better.

On the other hand, your partner must be able to do a 180 degree too. She must learn to understand that ADD is not just a cheap excuse, put aside her judgemental defense and learn to approach you with openness and empathy in this matter.


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