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-   -   What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=189734)

WhiteOwl 12-21-17 10:48 PM

What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
I'm not sure what's considered "normal" for dating these days, but my bf and I get to see each other once or twice a week, because of our schedules and we live an hour apart. It's probably a good thing it's not more frequent, because we've both started getting too attached too quickly, even though we've only been together about a month. I've wondered if he's codependent, too, but idk.

Anyways, when I make the drive out to his place, I stay the night, and a couple days ago, was the first time it was difficult to leave. All that next day, I was in a codependent funk. Missing him and feeling so insecure. He had told me before our date that he missed me and I thought it was a little soon to be saying that, but then after I left, I was missing him and it's the first time I felt that way. I fought so hard to try to take my mind off him, but then when he asked what was on my mind, I ended up revealing a little of my doubts (he asked for it, right?!), after which he assured me everything was fine, but ugh! I can't let myself do that again, make him feel responsible for my happiness and reassuring me. That would get old real quick.

I mean, we've already talked a little about future plans, agreed that things seem promising, and all that. What more reassurance do I need?! But I think I really overanalyze every little thing, read too much into every little thing, make too many assumptions, and just look for problems where there aren't any.

So, I'm trying to develop a strategic codependency plan. One aspect of my plan, will be to plan an event for the day after date night, since that seems to be when I'm most susceptible to codependent feelings. So, since I'm going over on Wed next week, I will have something already planned for Thur. Either a day out with the kids or an event with one of my meetup groups, something like that. Going out with my camera and taking photos of nature, or doing anything in nature, helps. It sucks because it doesn't completely take my mind off things and I'm still distracted, but it does help some.

Maybe writing my worries, concerns, doubts and frustrations in a journal will also help me to feel better and keep me from bugging him about it. It's really such an awful feeling and it's so hard to shake it. Sometimes I think I should stay single the rest of my life, to avoid these feelings. I end up crying, to release some of the emotions and it does help me feel better for awhile. I mean, you're not supposed to cry in a relationship, I guess, but it's not his fault I'm this way, he didn't create this. He doesn't ignore me and he treats me well. Telling myself that I'm choosing to cry, to release emotions and not because someone or something is "making" me cry, helps me to not feel so bad about it. But I still feel silly for crying in the first place, when I can't really even pinpoint what I'm crying about. Because what, my imaginary relationship problems? I just keep expecting things to go south, and the controlling codependent in me, rather than let things take their natural course, has to try to force and manipulate everything. I hate it.

Any thoughts or suggestions are welcome. I'm so glad I can vent here about it.

anonymouslyadd 12-21-17 10:57 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
What are you most concerned about?

WhiteOwl 12-21-17 11:27 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymouslyadd (Post 1979526)
What are you most concerned about?

I guess that he'll lose interest. I've never been in a healthy relationship. Had a long unhealthy marriage and a few other very short unhealthy relationships. The common theme was that I was messed up (severe anxiety and low self esteem) and that I always picked people who were also messed up and either treated me like crap or didn't care about really knowing me. I don't think that's the case in this relationship, but I still doubt everything, expecting him to either turn out to not be what I think, to lose interest and flake out, or that I will screw things up. I guess if the first two happen, it was bound to happen and there's nothing I can do about that. I can only control myself and not try to steer and manipulate the whole relationship. If it's meant to work out, it will work out and I should just leave it be, I guess. I'm just not good at that. Having anything out of my control makes me really anxious, I hate the unknown.

anonymouslyadd 12-21-17 11:55 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1979530)
I guess that he'll lose interest. I've never been in a healthy relationship. Had a long unhealthy marriage and a few other very short unhealthy relationships. The common theme was that I was messed up (severe anxiety and low self esteem) and that I always picked people who were also messed up and either treated me like crap or didn't care about really knowing me. I don't think that's the case in this relationship, but I still doubt everything, expecting him to either turn out to not be what I think, to lose interest and flake out, or that I will screw things up. I guess if the first two happen, it was bound to happen and there's nothing I can do about that. I can only control myself and not try to steer and manipulate the whole relationship. If it's meant to work out, it will work out and I should just leave it be, I guess. I'm just not good at that. Having anything out of my control makes me really anxious, I hate the unknown.

It seems like you're nervous, because you really like him and want it to work out. Nothing wrong with that. It also seems like you've learned a lot from your past relationships.

A lot of what you're describing comes with having ADD. It may take you some time to see that you've chosen someone, who's more healthy than the ones you've chosen in the past.:( I know it doesn't make you feel better now or help calm the anxiety.

aeon 12-22-17 01:11 AM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
I read all that and I didn't have any sense of codependency whatsoever.

That said, I did have a sense of not accepting one's own emotions and being present with them without the choice to judge and/or flee from them.

So I don't think there is anything to do, but instead, things to stop doing.

Self-acceptance, emotional and otherwise, without condition or apology, requires your choice, and nothing more.


Blesséd Be,
Ian

sarahsweets 12-22-17 03:50 AM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
I think you are being hard on yourself. I dont see any codependency going on. I see that you miss each other but not codependency.

WhiteOwl 12-22-17 01:45 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Thanks, ya'll. You don't think it's codependent to rely on another person for your happiness and find it extremely difficult to be happy in your life without them, their validation and assurance? I just feel like I need to protect myself. It always ends up where I'm the one who becomes attached and the guy, while seeming interested in the beginning, ends up being able to leave just like that, no looking back, like I'm worthless. It's the most crushing feeling ever, and I'm not willing to ever go through that again.

aeon 12-22-17 02:05 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1979599)
You don't think it's codependent to rely on another person for your happiness and find it extremely difficult to be happy in your life without them, their validation and assurance?

No, not really.

That said, it does speak to issues of self-esteem, sense of self, boundaries, cognitive distortions, and self-conscious anxiogenesis.

It would be different if you were also enabling behaviors on his part.

No one else can make you happy.
No one else can validate your person.

It’s not surprising that seeking that in someone else doesn’t satisfy or last, because you have to do those things for your self.


Cheers,
Ian

sarahsweets 12-22-17 02:08 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1979599)
Thanks, ya'll. You don't think it's codependent to rely on another person for your happiness and find it extremely difficult to be happy in your life without them, their validation and assurance?

Well no unless you literally are so unhappy without him that you cant leave the bed. Do your kids still make you smile? Can you cope with life? Then you are just in the early stages of love.

WhiteOwl 12-23-17 01:52 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 1979606)
Well no unless you literally are so unhappy without him that you cant leave the bed. Do your kids still make you smile? Can you cope with life? Then you are just in the early stages of love.

Yes, my kids still make me smile and I can still do things I need/want to. It's just really hard the first day after we've been together. And I can be happy one minute, but extremely low the next. I look forward to seeing him, but dread the low feeling afterwards. I've kind of always been this way, though. Feel things very strongly and deeply, controlled by my emotions. I hate it.

And I don't want to be in the early stages of love yet. I have not had a chance to see how we get along in all situations yet. We haven't done enough together, by ourselves or with our kids, for me to start falling in love yet. And again, I can't let myself end up becoming attached and him not feeling the same (or his feelings suddenly changing).

Little Missy 12-23-17 02:06 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Any one who said you were like a snickers only in the fun size is just it!

WhiteOwl 12-23-17 06:11 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Little Missy (Post 1979690)
Any one who said you were like a snickers only in the fun size is just it!

What do you mean "just it"? Is that a good thing? Lol.

Little Missy 12-23-17 06:13 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1979722)
What do you mean "just it"? Is that a good thing? Lol.

I should have capitalized it.

The guy has IT!

Oh yes, it is a very good thing.

WhiteOwl 12-23-17 06:24 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Little Missy (Post 1979723)
I should have capitalized it.

The guy has IT!

Oh yes, it is a very good thing.

Ok, haha. Well, he does make me laugh quite a bit and I seem to make him laugh quite a bit, since we have the same type of humor. He also won't let me touch doors or pay for anything. But I've learned that people can say/do all kinds of things, but turn out to have some major issues, so I'm still kind of wary.

aeon 12-23-17 06:49 PM

Re: What I'm doing to try to handle my codependency
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1979688)
Feel things very strongly and deeply, controlled by my emotions. I hate it.

Your emotions are a gift, and are key to your survival, just like the nerve endings that carry pressure, temperature, and pain signals.

It is possible to experience them fully and deeply, but without the need or desire to control them, or have the sense of being controlled by them.

I used to think as you do. Learning how to be present and engaged with my emotions, and accepting them as they are was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WhiteOwl (Post 1979688)
I don't want to be in the early stages of love yet. I have not had a chance to see how we get along in all situations yet. We haven't done enough together, by ourselves or with our kids, for me to start falling in love yet. And again, I can't let myself end up becoming attached and him not feeling the same (or his feelings suddenly changing).

I can appreciate what you are saying, but know that Love does not concern itself with such things...and that's part of what makes it beautiful.

I hope the best for you.


Cheers,
Ian


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