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-   -   I had a lucid dream, and waves of grief (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=195934)

Drogheda98 08-20-20 11:33 PM

I had a lucid dream, and waves of grief
 
oh this was about a week ago.

I know how to self reflect inside my mind however, I need to actually vent, or let out these emotions. I might sound braggy, I don't care, and please don't get me wrong anybody, I know the spirit of fair play, I know streangths and weaknessess thus far in my life, starting to create my own philosophy of living etc, my own and others all you out there have as well.

right now I don't care right, I refuse to bottle up feelings. I can recall feeling sick, litterly like almost throwing up, snot just gushing from my nose, and that night about a week ago I had a dream.

the dream was, and I'm assuming, like what other peoples dreams are, bit's and pieces, it was right after the shephard of the hills, the play I once acted at, then the dream became crisp "whoa, where is this, when are we" this is when I knew it was a dream I was in, which is just odd let waking up in the unconciouss, Austin and a lot of my friends where there" I recall Austin saying " fool, we right after the Shepard man, whats wrong" I ran up and gave him the hug "woah woah, easy, where we gonna go eat, lets see there is a new sushi place in branson, they got this new dish called the rockstar, lets go there", so we all climed the hill together and got in my car, I started driving and as soon as the car was on 76 I can recall saying " whoah, whats going on, am I, am I going to wake up."

for the past week I've been trying to, I'm going to get this word wrong but nobodies perfect, postpone thoughts. I will always miss austin, and even though I still have memories and always well, I know austin is gone, like a part of me is missing, and I'm hurting, and the more I let that hurt linger the worse it will get. and I know selfish of me to think of the relationship we had however I can think of austin, and he can't of me anylonger, and that's just... Austin was one of my best friends and now, and my mind is doing that "switching on and off thing by itself"

the time Austin and I had together, with the rest of the band, we where literal rockstars, told ya i might sound braggy, but we had adventures and went places others only dream of, and I'm not getting literal dreams and dreaming of mixed up, for me anyway, it was about the love of music, being in a band, playing music, is litterly the best thing I can think of and, and I think I need all this self reflection cause they are sticking more than they where, I'm a better person now because of my relationship to Austin, He tought me, heh, He (and I'm saying He in the 2nd person sense)how to me more courages and daring. He taught me to look at obsticals not as obsticals but as moments of personal growth now that I'm reflecting on the past.

it feels like doors are opening up in my mind I don't really know how to handle on a moment by moment basis, in truth, I've hit a platue it seems, I've been afraid of progressing cause, I'm going to try a new approach, imagine you out there are me you do your best and when you do your best your called names

"oh he's bragging" you all might say, plenty of others have, nobody can get to the level of competence with playing a musican instrument, a literal thing without emotion, my musicality has been my creative outlet for as long as I can remember, it's like part of my inner nature, hell when I talk (which I'm not doing but am while I wright usually) I use the same sort of expression and flow with how I play the guitar. sorry I've been trying to find a new balance and part of that balance is sorting these emotions and thoughts.

I'm just going to do my best to keep on keeping on, with all I'm going to break through the fear and produce, and I'm going to to best at collage not because I need all A's but because I want a good stable job in the future. I need to get a journal so I can self reflect at the end of each day

I'm so glad to have known Austin you all.

Drogheda98 08-21-20 04:31 AM

Re: I had a lucid dream, and waves of grief
 
Gonna test this out here, its been a while sense I actually recorded anything, an idea popped into my head and here is the first draft https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jTvd5qsv6M


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