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-   -   Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=115516)

nova1111 01-05-12 07:24 PM

Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
I've been together with my fiance for 15 years. I started seeing her when she was a senior in high school and our relationship was the first real relationship in our our lives. I always felt like we worked through our problems, which were few and far between, but one day about 4 years ago she told me seemingly out of the blue that she wanted to live on her own. I was upset but trying to be supportive and suggested maybe we could have seperate finances and apartments and go out on dates like the old days then she mentioned maybe she wanted to see other people too. That lit my fuse and I exploded. Instead of listening and confronting the problem I started screaming about how shes throwing everything we have away. I dont think I could have reacted differently but when I think back I feel like I guilted her into staying with me. She went away for school for 3 mo and came back to me. We never really resolved the issue but everything seemed ok again. I was happy being clueless to what was happening around me I guess.

Recently our closest friends broke up after 16 years and it seemd like it came out of no where, just like what had happened to me. I didnt understand their situation either but eventually Ive come to believe that the reason the relationship failed is because theyve never known anything else. If you dont have a reference to judge the person your with against it seems you can develop an unrelenting curiosity until the only solution is to leave and find the better thing. The thing you feel like your living without. My friends really couldnt point to one thing in their relationship that was so horrible that it caused their breakup. It was just over. So I presented this to my fiance and I found out she still thinks about leaving me.

I thought we get passed it but on New Years she was out of town and I was at a bar. I started sending out text messages to people wishing them happy new years. I messaged my best "girl" friend because I hadnt talked to her since she broke up with my best "boy" friend and it made me feel a sad. Then I messaged my fiance and realized we weren't going to be together to kiss at midnight. Thats when I started thinking about the last time we really passionately kissed each other. I couldnt remember really. I still cant. I ended up passed out in the street with police surrounding me. Luckily my friends found me before they hauled me off.

She had a surgery not to long ago that caused her to have some pain during sex. We haven't had sex in at least 3 months now. That might have something to do with it. I really felt like I was strong enough and our relationship was strong enough that we could get through it but if we cant even share a passionate kiss then what is there to look forward to? I feel like when I go in for a real kiss I get the cheek or the forehead instead. Ive always been easy going. Ive always had a positive outlook on our relationship. After this new years I feel like something really effected me. More than when she told me she wanted to break up with me before. I feel like this time Im unhappy with our relationship but at the same time I cant imagine leaving or her leaving me. We need to talk but its hard because Im afraid of what might happen. I dont know what to do and just needed a place to vent I guess.

BR549 01-05-12 07:53 PM

Re: Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
((((Hugs))))

I am so sorry. I do know how hard this is. Going through some stuff with my husband right now.

Hang in there.

Blueranne 01-05-12 08:18 PM

Re: Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
I know a couple that started dating when they were in the 8th and 9th grade. Now they are 31 and 32 and have 3 kids. They have never dated anyone else and from all appearances they seem as happy as ever. There is also a forum member here who has a similar story. So I'm not too sure whether the fact that you two have never been in another relationship has much to do with why your relationship is changing. Although, I can see some logic to what you are saying.

You should probably talk to each other about why you both are feeling the way you are. It might be something that you guys can fix.... But, it might also just be time to move on. I mean, maybe as you both grew up you both might have changed in ways that now make you no longer compatible...

Hmmm, have I actually given any advice here? lol I'm not too sure I have. Sorry you are going through this. It's hard to end relationship, especially when you still have feelings for the person, but what is worse is to stretch things out making it more painful and killing any love that might be left... Sometimes it's just time to move on.

I guess my point is you need to find out why you both feel the way you do and then come to a solid conclusion whether or not you BOTH want to fix it or let it go. And you both have to want it because it's not fair to lead the other person on.

I hope you can find some peace and I hope some of my thoughts were helpful. Good luck!

RedHairedWitch 01-05-12 09:19 PM

Re: Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
3 months is not a long time to go without sex. It happens even in long term relationships. Learn alternatives. Google monogamish and Dan Savage as well. And talk it out with your girl.

AddaptAbilities 01-07-12 07:05 PM

Re: Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
Keeping a lid on it is the worst possible thing you can do. It really is. My husband was keeping a lid on a lot of crap, and when the fuse blew it really blew. Suddenly he was angry with me for everything, including crap that happened years ago (mostly ADD related) that I thought we'd long since gotten past *because I have changed a lot since then *and no longer do those annoying things*. We've also been together a long time; since we were 18.

Needless to say, it was incredibly hard to hear that a relationship that I'd thought was in the category of "has a few issues but is essentially stable" was, in fact, in some pretty serious trouble. We're working through it, but damn, there are issues I had no idea we had.

If your fiancee hasn't left you yet, there's a decent chance the relationship can be saved if you get some help. A competent couples therapist can help you rediscover the reasons you fell in love in the first place, develop positive feelings for each other, and learn to communicate better.

Notice that I said a competent couples therapist. My partner and I had a terrible counseling experience, and learned only after the fact that most people who claim they do couples counseling actually have no idea what the hell they're doing. An incompetent or ignorant counselor won't be able to help you, and can even damage your relationship. For instance, ours inhibited our progress by encouraging us to say hurtful things to each other in the interest of "being honest" instead of teaching us how to discuss those things in an emotionally safe manner.

We finally ditched that guy, and after doing some research I learned why most couples counseling doesn't work -- most couples therapists don't know what they're doing. It's a lot of information, so I'll just link to it in the order I think it's most useful:

How Therapy Can Be Hazardous to Your Marital Health. Basically, an article that describes the lack of training most "couples counselors" receive, and how to tell if yours is incompetent.

A guide to "marriage friendly" therapists and how to find them. This site isn't religious or political in any way -- it just provides a list of therapists who are experienced in working with couples, and who actually believe that when a couple comes in and says "we want to save our relationship" that said couple is intelligent enough to make that choice for themselves.

Here's a list, from the same site, of questions you should ask a potential couples counselor before signing on to work with them.

My husband and I wasted four valuable months with a counselor who had no clue what he was doing. By the time we figured this out, it was early December, and I was staring my severe SAD right in the face. I was having mood swings, my partner withdrew ... and now we're pretty much back where we started. What a waste of time and energy.

spunkysmum 04-04-12 08:41 PM

Re: Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
How long ago did you guys move in together? Did either of you have the opportunity to experience living on your own first, or did you go right from living with your parents to living with each other? If she has never had the experience of living alone or in a non-sexual roommate situation, she may be feeling like she's missed out on that period of independence. I don't think the fact that neither of you have ever been in a relationship with anybody else has anything to do with your troubles, but not having experienced independence or other living arrangements may. I am a big believer on having that "buffer" period between growing up in your parents' household and setting up housekeeping with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, and wish for every person that they could experience that period of independent living preferably earlier on in their years, so they don't go through life not having known that, perhaps never experiencing it until they become widowed or otherwise bereft later in life.

How long have you been "fiances"? Were you engaged recently, or have you been engaged since early on in the relationship? What wedding plans have you discussed? If you have been putting off setting the date, who is more responsible for that decision, you or she?

Living apart does not have to mean a breakup, since you are not married. And to put it bluntly, since she is not your wife, she has no obligation to live with you and you have no right to expect her to, as you would if you were her husband. By your own admission, I think you realize that if she only stayed with you because you guilted her into it, then that was not a win for you nor a fix for the relationship. Why not just try living apart for a while? What have you got to lose? Because if you can keep her with you only by guilting her, then you are heading for a loss anyway.

HolyAlchemyzt 04-04-12 09:27 PM

Re: Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
****** up for you to yell at her like that when she mentioned breaking up. maybe the only reason she stayed with you is because she is scared of your reaction to the break up or feels sorry for you. if it's not meant to be it's not meant to be nothing you can do about it. you should talk to her and let her decide what she wants to do, you can let her know your feelings, and also apologize for reacting the way you did

Crazygirl79 04-08-12 06:24 AM

Re: Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
Wow there are some mixed responses here and all of them are valid.

Firstly I agree with Spunkysmum if you have to guilt trip someone into staying with you then you really haven't won anything or fixed up your relationship in any way at all or more to the point the relationship you have with her now sounds like it's really one sided and it's really only happening in your mind, you've said yourself that you've since found out that she's still thinking of leaving you and that when you go in for the real kiss you only get a cheek or the forehead...NONE OF THOSE ARE GOOD SIGNS AT ALL!!

I personally would not want somebody to stay with me out of guilt or pity and what you did to make her stay in this relationship was really desperate, selfish, pathetic and down right disrespectful, if you really loved this woman you would have allowed her the space she needed to find herself and figure out what she wants in her life instead of being manipulative and making it all about you!

If you care about this relationship in anyway at all you should consider having a serious and honest talk with her to see whats really happening, what solutions there are and whether you can fix it and go onwards and upwards or forget it and move on separately with your lives, either way your life will change for the better eventually regardless of the outcome.

Selena

homestead4u 04-08-12 06:38 AM

Re: Im watching 15 years swirl down the drain
 
My only question is are you able to sit down and look her in her eyes? there is questions you need to ask her.. and honestly you need to listen to what she is saying as if both parties arent happy one will "find another" to fill the void.. You have to be patient and truly listen to her needs and wants.. This is the time to allow your true emotions to come out not anger but emotions.. happy or sad.. I wish you the best..


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