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-   -   Parenting ADHD kids and non-ADHD kids (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=185644)

vibrantflame85 05-16-17 12:26 PM

Parenting ADHD kids and non-ADHD kids
 
Hi! I have 3 children, all boys. The oldest is 10, middle is 8 and youngest is 3. My middle son S was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and one of the things I am learning is that parenting a child with ADHD can be very different then parenting one without. What I am struggling with is how to avoid jealousy or upset from my children without ADHD.

Some examples, all from my 10 year old son L (but I'm sure this will crop up as the youngest gets older):

Why do you help S clean his room but I have to clean mine all by myself?
Why is S allowed to draw whatever he wants in church but I have to sit up and pay attention?
Why does S get rewards for doing simple things that I'm expected to do without rewards?

Now, I do feel that he has valid points here, and I've talked to him about the differences between him and his brother, but I feel this will keep being an issue.

l_ruth_ 05-17-17 06:46 AM

Re: Parenting ADHD kids and non-ADHD kids
 
Hey, my own view is kids do understand when something is explained, especially in terms of your own reasons for why you feel like it is important to give your son with ADHD support to do those things which may be harder, or that he needs more help with. Hpe this helps in some way. Parenting is the most important job in the world!

mildadhd 05-17-17 09:57 PM

Re: Parenting ADHD kids and non-ADHD kids
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by vibrantflame85 (Post 1947754)
Hi! I have 3 children, all boys. The oldest is 10, middle is 8 and youngest is 3. My middle son S was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and one of the things I am learning is that parenting a child with ADHD can be very different then parenting one without. What I am struggling with is how to avoid jealousy or upset from my children without ADHD.

Some examples, all from my 10 year old son L (but I'm sure this will crop up as the youngest gets older):

Why do you help S clean his room but I have to clean mine all by myself?
Why is S allowed to draw whatever he wants in church but I have to sit up and pay attention?
Why does S get rewards for doing simple things that I'm expected to do without rewards?

Now, I do feel that he has valid points here, and I've talked to him about the differences between him and his brother, but I feel this will keep being an issue.

Why not help all 3 boys clean their rooms, let all 3 boys draw in church if they want, and give all 3 boys rewards for doing things?


m

peripatetic 05-17-17 10:42 PM

Re: Parenting ADHD kids and non-ADHD kids
 
to start, if you've not already perused the stickies in this section, i encourage you to start with this one: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=60130 and, further, read up on that 30% rule.

i think it's tricky because you don't want to make the adhd child feel incapable, but you do want your ten-year old to have some empathy and compassion for his brother.

i think, first off, one is eight and one is ten. you wouldn't expect a ten year old to do things you would expect of a twelve year old. so perhaps help him imagine having an older brother and being expected to be able to master all of the same skills as someone two years old. and, at that age...two years is a lot.

i mention the 30% rule, however, because your eight year old is really operating more around 5.5/6 in terms of maturity. if he appeared physically to be a five/ish year old, maybe there wouldn't be the question. but since there is, it might be good to try and have a conversation with all of the children that gives them some perspective.

that said, it could just be a case of "i want what he has and why don't i get treated "equally"?" find things that he gets that are advantages. like, with every "right" comes a "responsibility"....with every "privilege" a "duty". maybe his rewards look different, his responsibilities look different, but so do his privileges.

finally, i think there is something to be said for pointing out that treating them "fairly" is not the same as treating them "equally" to the letter of the law. if one boy's favorite treat is getting to go to an amusement park, but that makes the other one sick, you wouldn't give them "equal" rewards. you would give them treats based on them as individuals. and you're doing the same with determining what each child's chores/responsibilities will be.

one last thing: it is important to challenge your middle son. just not overwhelm him. find the things he's good at doing and hold him to task on those, perhaps.

hope that helps. xx

mildadhd 05-18-17 12:11 AM

Re: Parenting ADHD kids and non-ADHD kids
 
To clarify, I understand all 3 kids may have different levels of maturity and personal preferences, interests, etc.

But what would it hurt to treat the non ADHD kids, similar to what works with the ADHD kids, if that is what the non ADHD kids want, in general?




m

sarahsweets 05-18-17 01:01 AM

Re: Parenting ADHD kids and non-ADHD kids
 
That is tough, I have three kids that are older now: 21,17 and 13 but they are all adhd and they all have questioned why they had to do things differently than their siblings. They all had different issues with adhd so for example, my middle daughter always struggled with the basics of helping out, but my youngest has always been very particular. The youngest go her cell phone a year earlier than her sister- because she always was more careful and responsible (just to note, this was never rubbed in my daughter's face its just a fact). My oldest got more privleges in high school when it came to staying out later for different events but my middle daughter has always had trouble getting up on time for school and my son hasnt. My middle daughter has always been able to cook or bake well and safely, but I used to worry my oldest would set fire to the kitchen. They have all questioned each other at one time and I always tried to emphasize love. I love all of them equally, and they all are welcome to the same amount of hugs and mom time. They all were able to lean on me when they needed me. They all were able to lean on each other and they did, through my alcoholism. We are a close family. I guess what I mean is, the stuff that makes kids feel secure and loved are always more important then stuff like who gets to do certain kinds of things, so maybe highlighting that part might work.

Caco3girl 05-18-17 10:17 AM

Re: Parenting ADHD kids and non-ADHD kids
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by vibrantflame85 (Post 1947754)
Hi! I have 3 children, all boys. The oldest is 10, middle is 8 and youngest is 3. My middle son S was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and one of the things I am learning is that parenting a child with ADHD can be very different then parenting one without. What I am struggling with is how to avoid jealousy or upset from my children without ADHD.

Some examples, all from my 10 year old son L (but I'm sure this will crop up as the youngest gets older):

Why do you help S clean his room but I have to clean mine all by myself?
Why is S allowed to draw whatever he wants in church but I have to sit up and pay attention?
Why does S get rewards for doing simple things that I'm expected to do without rewards?

Now, I do feel that he has valid points here, and I've talked to him about the differences between him and his brother, but I feel this will keep being an issue.

If I have learned anything in this journey it is that I can't do it for him...he has to figure out a way to do it for himself. In my opinion, and I really don't know your family so please take it with a grain of salt.

1. You should not be helping him clean his room, now he might have a checklist, and may need to be checked on every 10 minutes to ensure he's still on task, but you shouldn't be doing it with him.
2. The church thing...I don't get that. While the ADHD kid may not actually listen to the sermon, they will likely just get lost in their own head, it is still important for him to attempt to behave like the other children. Besides, if he's off drawing he isn't hearing the sermon either....so why let him do something different?
3. You have a very smart kid to understand he shouldn't be treated differently.


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