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Drogheda98 05-03-20 11:50 PM

an update about MySelf, to you all
I'm at the getting on to get on stage of my life now, and I know how important connection is to our brain, how it's litterly wired for connection so so I just wanted to let everybody know, I'm ok, and I believe I will be. I've quit smoking "knock on wood" and drinking" knock on wood"

btw Naz, I've embraced the concept of self-deprecating humor a long time ago however our short discussion about the mantra is what made me get through mourning, cause I realize I've been stuck in limbo metaphorically speaking (metaphorically? close enough I think)

3 days ago I put a shirt on, the shirt, a shirt they sold at Austins Funeral, well wake as they put it. 6 months ago my brother and I decided to get good at a prosocial skill, cooking, then college started and I was all readdy for doing my best and I still am, I know hope I operate in the world at different levels and how to create new levels of operation and behavior through experience and my own personal feelings and boundaries. heh right now the next thing I'm working on personally is getting my circadian rythem back to normal(when I'm tired my sense of humor isn't as fast as it could be)

I've been trusting my body, my ego skin, my senses in otherwords getting to know myself more. then my dog would come and lick me for no reason, which he filled me up with hope when I ran out, I know what actual love feels like as an emotion through my dog, watson

god I've saved myself and my family about 2,500 dollars so far, I planned for the future, "if covid is going to, 7 or 8 weeks which would be about a savings of 15,000 a year" if my numbers are accurate. my priorities for cooking where mostly for myself at first, cooking healthy food for myself then others, got good enough that then I started asking others in the past and hopefully the future if I could cook them anything.

priorities, distill time managment, financing, new skills on my end both internal and external. when I first started cooking, I remember telling my Parents, they kind of scoffed at the notion, what my take away was they think I don't know how to do anything. and let me be clear, I learned to cook solely on my own basis because if not, I wouldn't of based on the lack of my parents encouragement, it as thought they think I can't do anything, the best thing I had prepared was this MangoCurry then I get encouragement from them, and , I know exactly how having no encouragement feels I have 40 years of experience and right now I don't know if I'm being too hard on them (cause I only have 1 real set of parents) or not in my words.

anyway 3 days ago I started a garden, well I say start I've got to tend the earth, when I first told my parents about cooking I think I can do cooking well, my mother treated me like I was the biggest idiot ever, she would bring home fried food when I told her specificly I have to lose weight, and I was more specific on the boundary by telling her doctors orders cause ya, like when I would normally cook she would go out and buy McDonalds

I did all the research for making a garden, took me a few days to learn the basics, 3 days ago I started, oddly enough same day I made the decision to stop drinking alcohol.

when I made that decision was when all the threads of my life, the world, the earth, nature, humanity, therapy universalism, all this both on personal and interpersonal level came together and my mind started to overflow with thoughts after being still from thoughts for a few months

when I described what I was going to do, the garden, to my parents I got pretty much the same response from my Mother especially. I did get encouragement from my Father though he was speculative. in a short amount of time I learned how to prepare some complex dishes, when I apply myself forthrightly I can usually get the job done, and I know some of these I statements are stuff I want to say to my parents.

we actually had Dinner a few weeks ago, that was when I made the Curry (it was really good), I knew my favorite part of the day and feelings so I thought I'd ask them, they told me about perfectionism and then I uttered (which I'm, saying what I said back then now to update myself now) nobodies perfect, and I get the second uncanny part now just too tired to put it to words.

when I figured the difference between consciousness and the unconsciousness, the mantra became important to me Nam, through the inner objects and inner world of myself I got a true sense of time and space and not the Cartesian method, or the Method taught in Science class. the mantra "everytime I don't smoke is a tiny victory for me", I'm starting to apply that mantra to all sorts of behaviors but in the affirmative now. the tiny victories I understand to be the microhabits that, heh, till the waters of the unconscious mind. and sense ego is that of the body(ego body) and that of the mind and that of the spirit of me and all of you, well, I had a thought earlier today "there has got to be a better way of space other than inner/outer pshychological stuff cause explaining bions containorcontained is just too exhausting", I remember thinking "if I focus my eyes on the chair over their, and then refocus my eyes on the table, the reason I have to refocus my actual eyes to denote distance is what space is" the thought isn't exciting I admit on the surface, just just how ego body of anybody is first for cognition we can, or I have (not yet actually cause I have to get a better sleeping rythem ) been able to plan ahead, or know how to that thus planning ahead to get ahead is known to me.

when I was stopping smoking Watson was by my side, I didn't know then what I knew now, he was filling me up with the foncifedence I needed, just like when he licks my face he fills me up with love, I found the first part of the grail nam, the inner container. now for posts yesterday

I had a friend once, his name was , **** you not, Buddy roe, I remember saying to him how lucky he was to have a family and because I have adhd, I wasn't sure if I'm cut out for it, an old thought from therapy for anybody who is still reading.

I was assigned by my therapist to figure out adhd, assigned might be the right word, and I think I have now that I know priority, time/space "both inner and outer". the common thread, and I won't say for all, but for most people with adhd is that we are bright but we waist our potential, I've figured out potential

I've had a rough time with existentialism. but I will say I've identified when I self reflect on events through living. I don't just talk with everybody with saying "I" every two seconds.

anyway, I'm doing better

tudorose 05-04-20 06:59 AM

Re: an update about MySelf, to you all
I was just reading through some advice you wrote on one of my threads a year ago. It's good advice. I wonder if imagery would help you. To talk to your younger self.

What I still see in your posts is the lack of positive acknowledge from your parents bordering on sabotage. I'm not sure how you can heal the inner child whilst still in the war zone.

Luckily intelligence helps so whatever life skills you do not have you should be able to quickly acquire.

Over the time I've been reading your posts the theme that keeps coming across loud and clear to me is that you can't be your best self in the crossfire of people who only want to put you down.

In terms of adhd my feel is that in a more positive environment or at least one without relentless criticism it's much easier to manage and then be able to work on the damage of the past.

Drogheda98 05-17-20 12:15 AM

Re: an update about MySelf, to you all
help me get a few concepts straight here, well anybody.

inner child = narcissism or no? and I'm speaking of healthy narcissism whenever I speak of narcissism.

just to clarify , and I seem to be working backwards but yet forwards, because pshychotherapy, and I think this is a form of that is a reliving of those first many years.

these are the concepts I know in regards to therapy work, ego (that person in the mirror) self reflection, mirroring, reflexive ego, self reflection work (journaling) trusting my gut, inputs and outputs (change in O), reciprocity based on social interaction but world... for lack of a better word creation or imagings(I was able to do the or right there because of change in O). the change in O, container/contained for me has been the most powerful changing lens. and I can't forget differentiation, yes I can tell the difference between my voice and others, that sort of notion. then I understand prefix/suffix in word/symbolization based from the work of , his name slips my mind, winnicot. I also know of trusting my sense organs and mylikes, dislikes, meh's, ok's, ambilinces, etc...

I'm working towards a stable self, and I have a keen eye on word usage, lots of of times I can zoom in on a word somebody else says as a concept I need to heal, thus you say you have seen the inner child stuff, if you have, just type it and I'll be able to abstract information.

anyway, I know the contractions, the predicates, , the family lines or tree's. I can even talk without ego when I either self reflect like I am now off the this monitor or do so in mind.

the best thing in the world is what a dog can bring, what I've(ehh 1 ego) found through my dog watsons is unconditional love, and unconditional trust, those aren't just notions, they are feelings, trust is a feeling, unconditional love is a feeling. yes I do know what a thing is

this is the other notiong I need help getting straightened out in my mind. something I've learned is I don't have to prove myself, that's a common notion in therapy, however when I say (and yes a bit of healthy narcasism, I think, maybee) I'm probably one of the best guitarist in Arkansas , I was called a narcissist, here, I think by you. the way of knowing oneself comes in different ways for different people, I faced the chimera because of the guitarist notion and won, and I know I won because the notion led to the holy grail which was the family line, the symbol of the self, the notion of the future, all the internal/external information, I mean story... yes, but lies, no.

when Austin and I formed the band we didn't know how much influence we had on Others, when I said a long time ago I'm one of the best guitarist in arkansas, it's because I know the best guitarists in Arkansas, not only arkansas but, I mean, I know literal rockstars, the best guitarists the world knows, I know some of them personally, I can have one thing I am kind of the best at in my own domain. can't I?

I've only been practicing the guitar daily, well, regularly for 30 years. for crying out loud I think I'm pretty damn decent. even the thought of music, being back in band in school, is what constitutes my conduct. (I can remember Mr Phelen, the band director).

I remember, when I said a while ago I was one of the best guitarist in arkansas, being called a narcissist, I don't have to prove myself, I don't have to prove myself worth, in fact I extract many of my modes of being from my guitarist ability's, how I operate in the world in multiple ways.

through therapy the notion is, the self doesn't have to prove itself to anybody, however, even know I feel I have to protect my own abilities, nothing I'm saying is a lie because it's extremely difficult for me to lie anymore, am I perfect or the best, **** no because if I was I would have nothing to reach for.

and what I strive to do is heal my self all I can, especially in the next so many months of uncertainty.

playing the guitar is just like anything else for me, I get good really fast, 30 years of that with guitar, ya. do I have to prove myself?

a question for you or anybody else. and UI think the question does have to do with healing my inner child, lets see

also don't take any of this personally, I'm really trying to get to certain thought anbd when I do have these currents of thoughts I can get really focused. I edited this cause
I don't want hurt feelings. sense I said that, don't be afraid to be as hell on earth towards me as you can, I do know what it is and can take it, I'm saying that because I want to heal my inner self more than anything. and I can feel emotion so I'm on my way

tudorose 05-20-20 05:53 AM

Re: an update about MySelf, to you all
Inner child is not referring to narcissism. It's about your primitive self and when your needs are not met as a child it causes all sorts of issues as an adult. The idea of therapy being that you meet your own needs and therefore take care of your inner child.

I've had to do a lot of work in this space. Trying to build an inner sense of safety. Not sure I'm in a position to give advice as I'm not there yet.

tudorose 05-20-20 06:21 AM

Re: an update about MySelf, to you all

Originally Posted by Drogheda98 (Post 2025510)
also don't take any of this personally, I'm really trying to get to certain thought anbd when I do have these currents of thoughts I can get really focused. I edited this cause
I don't want hurt feelings. sense I said that, don't be afraid to be as hell on earth towards me as you can, I do know what it is and can take it, I'm saying that because I want to heal my inner self more than anything. and I can feel emotion so I'm on my way

Not sure what you mean nothing was offensive. We're all here to try and sort ourselves out ultimately. Sometimes that mean zeroing in on a detail or off on a tangent. It's all good.

I dunno if you would find this useful but the guy I worked with last year was right into schema therapy. I personally struggle with subjugation and a few others to a lessor degree like defectiveness. I wonder which ones you would identify with.

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