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-   -   "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=181422)

peripatetic 11-15-16 11:55 AM

"unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
so, i've finally finished reading this book and i'm pretty happy with it, so thought i'd share.

it emphasizes two things:

1. behaviourism, with its series of rewards/punishments, fails to help children develop reasoning skills or a moral compass beyond "doing this gets me that".

2. there is a problem with "controlling" children if the goal is for them to develop the ability and desire to control themselves because it makes goals extrinsic (what will this get me or spare me) versus intrinsic ones (this is what i believe is the right thing to do).

obviously i'm waaaay oversimplifying because i'm not going to quote the book at length and i'd rather inspire others to read it and discuss with me than relying on my synopsis alone.

what i'm posting to ask is whether anyone else has read this book and attempted to apply its principles to parenting?

my e is still quite young (less than 20 months), but already i do find that some of the suggestions are quite helpful. i plan to try and incorporate more of them as she grows, but i'm curious if others have read the book and found it helpful.

cheers xx

Lunacie 11-15-16 01:48 PM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
I haven't read this book, but it sounds similar to the Parenting With Love and Logic book series, and the book How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen ... And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.

Unfortunately none of the ideas works with an autistic child to make communication easier. :lol: But many of the ideas have been helpful.

And have helped me be a more relaxed co-parent. :giggle:

peripatetic 11-15-16 02:34 PM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lunacie (Post 1851345)
I haven't read this book, but it sounds similar to the Parenting With Love and Logic book series, and the book How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen ... And Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.

Unfortunately none of the ideas works with an autistic child to make communication easier. :lol: But many of the ideas have been helpful.

And have helped me be a more relaxed co-parent. :giggle:

this one is subtitled "moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason" so that does sound very similar to the ones you cited. i'll have to look into them. thanks!

Abi 11-15-16 08:15 PM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
The principles sound sound.

Is it a long read?

I wouldn't mind reading it and passing on some pointers to the parents of my "little someone"

Lunacie 11-15-16 09:07 PM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
Abi, good to see you!

I did buy another copy of How To Listen To Your Kids for my niece's family.

mildadhd 11-15-16 11:12 PM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
Edit, I have not read the book yet.

I am convinced that longterm unconditional parenting, as opposed to short term conditional parenting, works for all people, especially for children born with a more anxious temperament.

Love is an example of a positive feeling.

Safe positive feelings promote the development of self-regulation.

Many infants/toddlers/children/teens/young adults and adults who have deficits of self-regulation, were born with more emotionally sensitive temperaments.


G

peripatetic 11-15-16 11:30 PM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
it's more about developing a child with a social conscience or ethical compass or however you prefer to phrase it. more about respect and love and steering away from coercion or carrot/stick, punishment/reward systems. it's a process though, not a how to list.

i think of self regulation as still, with respect to ADHD, quite possibly needing more than love to develop self regulation. this would be less about shaping behaviour in favor of fostering creation of self. kids without self regulation still can need medication or other treatments.

with length, i want to say it's under 250. i just take forever nowadays...

mildadhd 11-16-16 12:15 AM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by peripatetic (Post 1851475)
it's more about developing a child with a social conscience or ethical compass or however you prefer to phrase it. more about respect and love and steering away from coercion or carrot/stick, punishment/reward systems. it's a process though, not a how to list.

i think of self regulation as still, with respect to ADHD, quite possibly needing more than love to develop self regulation. this would be less about shaping behaviour in favor of fostering creation of self. kids without self regulation still can need medication or other treatments.

with length, i want to say it's under 250. i just take forever nowadays...

I will look for the book, and after I finish it ..

..could we discuss these topics in parts, in posts under 250 , over a long period of time?

Because I mostly agree, and i am not sure why we are appearing to disagree?

Edit: It might have something to do with context?

Let me get back to you after I read the book.


G

sarahsweets 11-16-16 05:28 AM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
I havent read it but it sounds great and it sounds like something we have been lucky to just have adopted naturally. I have never supported the behavior/consequence/punishment model that seems to be so intrinsic to our society. I am sure people might say something like " your kids could do so much more if you made them do it.." or "what kind of moral compass will they have without xyz punishment?" But I can assure everyone here with confidence:
My kids are 20,16 and 13 and they are great kids. Compassionate, empathetic,smart,witty and kind-KIND. And thats what matters to me, not whether they remember to take out the recycles or keep their rooms spotless.

stef 11-16-16 07:29 AM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
This is just so reassuring!
I never thought it through at all; I'm naturally emphathetic and my son is rather sensitive; i just went with my instincts. sometimes i think, I should have been "stricter", but whenever i acted like a "typical" parent it felt false and wrong. The lack of punishment and rewards overall, has not made him demanding or poorly behaved.

I believe now, he may be in that category of "highly sensitive people", but he has absolutely no adhd.

Caco3girl 11-16-16 10:32 AM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
Shrug, to each their own. Every kid is different, I hope that by telling my kids the reasons why I handled the situations the way I handled them, it will help them to understand their own moral compasses. As my 14 year old gets older I can see the defiance in his eyes that he disagrees, I then ask him why he disagrees. 9 times out of 10 he didn't understand my reasoning, so I explained it again, but every now and then he does have a different take on things that makes me reevaluate.

I don't think any kind of dictatorship would work with a child, they need to know they have a voice in their life. However, my kids are also aware of certain expectations and rules, and they are unbreakable. If you do not have an 80% average in your core subjects you are grounded is an example of one. Notice I didn't say an 80% in ALL subjects, I said an average. My boy dislikes science with a passion, I am lucky if he is passing, but a higher math grade (which he loves) can compensate for his science grade. He has the power over if he is grounded, but he also knows it is a firm rule.

stef 11-16-16 10:55 AM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
I totally understand; it's not that there werent expectations and rules.
It's just that there wasnt a set rule of reward/punishment

Fuzzy12 11-16-16 11:49 AM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
It seems like such a basic thing but I can't remember my parents using rewards or punishments for us. I don't think they ever even insisted on much. Still I wasn't a very badly behaved kid I think. :scratch:

Maybe I should read the book. If I could read s book....

Lunacie 11-16-16 12:46 PM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 (Post 1851597)
It seems like such a basic thing but I can't remember my parents using rewards or punishments for us. I don't think they ever even insisted on much. Still I wasn't a very badly behaved kid I think. :scratch:

Maybe I should read the book. If I could read s book....

My parents didn't use rewards/punishments either, but it was understood that
they made all the decisions.

So here I am at age 65, a grandmother, and still indecisive because I never
had a chance to develop self-confidence and self-reliance by practicing making
decisions and seeing what the consequences would be.

Caco3girl 11-16-16 02:18 PM

Re: "unconditional parenting" by alfie kohn
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Lunacie (Post 1851603)
My parents didn't use rewards/punishments either, but it was understood that
they made all the decisions.

So here I am at age 65, a grandmother, and still indecisive because I never
had a chance to develop self-confidence and self-reliance by practicing making
decisions and seeing what the consequences would be.

Are you being serious?


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