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Drogheda98 02-25-20 12:37 AM

some self reflections and self-affirmation
That of the self itself, that, as in the word, being the linking contraction.


I have for a while been in melancholy which has actually felt like a form of madness, the other day a lady said something like "car wreck" and it was if she hit me in the head and a flash of memory, my eyes would suck in.

existential dread, something everybody goes through, I'm guessing anyway.

I figured out a real limit of mine, a full-time student with an eBay store, cleaning, trying to get back on my feet, working out, planning a midterm future, that changed when Austins car wreck happened, all of a sudden I had no energy, I mean the midterm future stuff hasn't, but the will, my will,, that energy, or so it seems, went towards figuring out this existentialist dread stuff I'm going through, which holy **** without self reflection, or talking/writing to ones self I would not have been aware of that.

I dropped every heavy class, not forever just, until things get ironed out a bit, by heavy I mean classes that take extra preparation, most of the gut punches that memory has been dishing out to me the last couple of weeks have subsided, now there is just, this longing. the waves aren't 180 feet high anymore. pushing back graduation by a semester but whatever, the stress has melted off.

what i know about myself in interpersonal relations is, at-least via classes is, I have to shake the professors hand, not litterly, for I know that I'm going to classes to get a better job (or a job, I don't think ebay counts) , and I know the proffesors teach because it's what they do, it's almost a reciprocity thing. however the English professor, I went to talk to each professor, most of them knew Austins Father and myself, knew that we where close friends. so would give me extra time, not the english proffesor. I can recall the lady who showed me where the proffesors office was, she was nice and caring, when I got to her office I sat outside but could listen, she was talking about god and stuff to another student. " she will at-least know something of existentialist stuff" I thought. nada, I went in and told her what was going on "oh, ya, see ya at class", no social grace. I told her that the reason I had not done my work is because I'm working through intense grief, during class when I didn't have my work for her it was like she painted a red X on my forehead. during class discussion I was the one who said how we are all of equal value, she never got to hear the reason, she talked of dress code, some students agree'd with, I said " it would take away our individuality, what we were tells a story about us just as much as the words we use. during class she was talking about psychological projection, about how she almost needed a therapist, I wanted to tell her "not how projections work and ya about that" , I didn't want to burn any bridges, knowing I was probably a bit miffed noticing what was going on and decided to shut up.

it's always me who squelches himself in the presence of others, man I need to stand up formyself more, if she wanted to talk psychology, I could of done so.

gonna answer some questions that might seem to come out of nowhere, this is self reflection so, as long as I know where the questions arise.

yes, I do want to buy a house in the future, yes I'm smart enough, was hit by a mortar called "death of one of bestest friends", got some new perspectives about life, and how important every second is, that just doesn't go for myself but all of you as well, treasure every moment. the meaning of life is connection, and when one of those connections is cut you will go into a tailspin, like I did.

I'm smart enough to make it, the mountain in Utah beckons, today, just for myself, in the future, me and whomever else. I have friends I know who like me, I felt like I fit in finally, I felt the difference, I felt the pain coming from Austins brother as we hugged, those guys/gals, heh, I've been kind of out of their life for years and when we got together, twas like yesterday.(now the Beatles beacon), I'll make it a point to get together with them more often.

I think in pictures mainly, video's of the mind so to speak. when thinking of words I usually match the word to a symbol the word represents. I understand both relflexivity of ego and self reflection, and reflexive of words based on reflexivity of ego. it's odd, however, the relationship with the first person, me drogheda which isn't really my name, heh, is really at the core of myself, and I would say anybody else, cause without reflexivity there would be no contractions or predicates.

so I have this odd story about an egg, a true story. this last chrismas my brother and I decided to learn how to cook, like really cook, I decided to make some egg dishes, him, some fish dishes, and we learned from eachother how to make eachothers dishes. my dish turkish cecil, which I'm going to try this, superego stuff, so if any of you all want to make this dish, all you have to do is poach an egg, which is really the most complicated part, get some greak yogurt, add some rosemarry, sage, chilli pepper, and garlic, mash up the greek yogurt into a parfait, and then add the poached egg on the parfait.

heh, so anyway, back to the personal story, when I was looking up dishes to try to cook, my brother and I talked about, gas station prices of all things, I put the prices into a global GPS system and the coordinates, I **** you not, was turkey. the prices where picked out of thin air however when I looked at what dishes looked good to make, the turkish dish cried out my name.

the oddest part, is, that's where the actual temple of Apollo is located, somewhere around the coordinates I put into the gps.

I like getting up in the mornings, excersising if I have time. austin would always tell me how he would get up in the morning and jog for 10 miles or so, I'm trying something my therapist said for me to try, to channel him in my self reflections. I'm not at that level of fitness yet, but I can picture myself doing so in my mind. from what I learned from austin is to forge a head (like not really a "head", but like, in front, not, a front). austin, he wouldn't want me to give up, so I'm not. whenever a memory rattles me, I can always pull into consciousness a lot of good memories

tomorrow is a new day.

namazu 02-25-20 12:43 AM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
Glad you are taking care of yourself with respect to taking the time you need to deal with Austin's death.

Glad also that you are finding ways to make meaning out of your experience, like deciding to make more time to spend with friends who understand you.

Tomorrow is indeed a new day. I hope it will be a brighter one for you.

SashaBV 02-26-20 12:34 AM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
Sometimes with somebody you really care about, the reality of how they died just can seem like too hard to deal with. If there is no certain day that you knew you might lose's just that much harder. There is just a point in time and they are gone, no goodbyes, nothing to warn you. That's all. I lost one parent with a disease we didn't know about until 5 months before she died. She meant so much to me...seemed impossible to not see her again after she finally slipped away. At least there was that much warning. The other parent met death at the hands of a murderer...suddenly, violently, irrevocably gone. We felt confused, angry, that was not something I could imagine happening. Snap...then later I was just hoping he didn't feel anything. The only way I could deal with the grief was thinking that finally he would be with his own mother. He'd lost her when a huge tornado hit their house while he was still a youngster. He never forgot her, told his children all about her and wore his grief for us to see. Take your time, feel your feelings, find comfort in whatever seems to help you get by.

Drogheda98 02-26-20 12:45 AM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
that is litterly my greatest fear, my parents, gone.

Drogheda98 02-27-20 12:35 AM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
let me boil that down a little more.

jesus dude/miss, I'm so sorry that happened to you sasha. my biggest facuty is imagination however, I can't even imagine how that could feel to you.

even though, through going through my therqapist at college, the therapist instructore who I have great respect for, my mother has micromaged me to... well, micromaneged me a lot in my life, I really would have a difficult time with her being gone, with prescreptions I could get by :lol: otherwise, I don't know how I would.

my father, He's been away most of my life, so I think that he's absense will be a lesser than event, however, still, I love both of them no matter what, no matter the damage to me personally, it's of no concern, what matter is, love, no matter what.

Drogheda98 02-28-20 09:36 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
alright. I have committed myself to stopping smoking, every time I get a micro urge I just say "I don't want to smoke", either saying it aloud or thinking it internally.

thus far I've gone three day's without smoking, and let me tell ya, anybody reading my reflections, sleepiness and waves of grogginess are the real deal here. I've napped like no ones business during the day and ya not slept that good during the nights. I did a bit of research online and from what I learned it's a perfectly normal part of the process I'm going through, some neurotransmitter that regulates drowsiness and alertness in the brain, which can't remember the name of the chemical off the top of...

long story short, I'll be feeling groggy for about a month. I actually missed therapy today because I couldn't imagine myself driving, and I've always been a good driver, I just.... ehh, don't want to fall asleep at the wheel like Austin did. saying this really if the therapist I go to reads these boards

I had to drop some classes , which it's bizarre how some things work out, I couldn't imagine doing all those classes with this amount of drowsiness, at it's worst, and I'm mostly passed this, it was difficult to move my body, ya, that's the kind of drowziness people who stop smoking go through, if I would of known as such beforehand I would have never started. oh well, I live I learn.

I have been doing better, erhh, getting out of bed in the morning for a couple of hours before dozing back to sleep. the weird thing is, that's usually before I get any sleep, the alarm sounds, I get up and I have energy, the best thing is my on campus class is during the morning hours.

to the mods, if you need to put this thread somewhere else it's fine with me. heh, as if I get a say .

I got some homework to makeup, however the professor I have my classes with has given me all the time I need, thankfully

namazu 02-28-20 10:17 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
Thank you for not driving while tired!

If you want support specific to quitting smoking, there are a number of members posting in the ADDiction & Substance Abuse section on that topic. They might be able to give you suggestions for dealing with the fatigue and cravings -- though it sounds like your mantra is working for you right now, which is great.

Drogheda98 02-28-20 10:25 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
before I forget, and I know right now I'm basicly typing to myself and those of you who are reading my self reflections

I'm also committed to not drinking alcohol anylonger.
I'm also committed to finishing up all my classes to the best of my abilities.

Drogheda98 02-28-20 10:31 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation

Originally Posted by namazu (Post 2023986)
Thank you for not driving while tired!

though it sounds like your mantra is working for you right now, which is great.

ya, it's actually how Austin died, fell asleep at the wheel and careened off the highway, knowing him he probably had a few as well before driving, I don't want to repeat his error. even though I have never drunk driven (and ya, the dangers of the word never, I still intend to never drink and drive), I know what it's like to be foggy at the wheel do to being tired, usually while taking a vacation when I get tired I'll just find the next hotel.

ehh, anyway. ya lame mantra isn't it:giggle: I don't even do any "ohhmms" or anything, but ya it works for me.

namazu 02-28-20 11:14 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation

Originally Posted by Drogheda98 (Post 2023988)
ehh, anyway. ya lame mantra isn't it:giggle: I don't even do any "ohhmms" or anything, but ya it works for me.

Hey, "I don't want to smoke" is short and to the point! Whatever works! :)

Drogheda98 02-29-20 03:49 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
well it's day four of the not smoking self.

I think it's because I've been taking chantix, and have allreaddy in the past gone a few partial days without smoking, because it's nothing like the last time quitting cold turkey. first time my vision would get screwy and... it just wasn't good. from what I've read from some internet sources day 3 and day 4 are supposed to be the most difficult.

day 3 certainly was, so far, day 4 is a lot easier. I'm finding myself less drowsy than the first three days, as I actually cooked brunch and I'm tentatively ready to get **** done today. and yes, someday soon I will get a self reflection journal, right now, I want all my self reflections out there for all of you people to see


tentatively as in, after a nap, heh.

it's also day 3 of not drinking any alcohol, ya, I decided to stop doing the two most difficult behaviors for anybody to stop at the same time, I do have some NA Beverages, decided to throw my brain a bone and atleast have the taste ready with alcohol, unlike smoking, I can atleast do that. someday I will stop drinking NA beverages, untill I've gone a good while with both, I'll stick with NA, it's the next best thing, I can go out with friends and have a "drink" with no alcohol if I get used to the stuff enough. if anybody calls me a wimp I'll just politely ask them to try to stop the two most addictive behaviors at the same time. plus I have some friends I can ask to remind me if the temptation ever arises, cause then if that happens, I can pull this memory into consciousness

and I decided to stop doing them, after I Identified self reflection.

I have a grossery list of foodstuffs I need for the chemical watchyamechalit, the wake up chemical of the brain, mostly stuff like broccoli and eggs and nuts. the quintessential "this is what people who stop smoking need in their life" food list, probably forever. all the anti inflammatory foodstuffs, heh, I even bought some cbd oil gummiest, and a good multivitamin or few multivitamins. that thought reminds me about few vitamines, have em in memory but can't remember the name, I need to get, like in my *inner vision* I can remember my brother and I buying them

my brain feels less foggy, I don't know if it's because I've slept probably 40 hours in the last 3 days or I've stopped smoking and drinking alcohol, probably both, *quintessential*, had to google that word cause it's been a while sense I've said or typed it, odd thing is, I didn't mispell it, but I mispelled mispell, heh, go figure.

ok, sense this self reflection and self affirmation stuff really does seem to be working for me, like no joke (Jordan Peterson was definitely right when he said people need their sword, which is basically self reflection), I'm going to try what I read from ncbi, the self affirmation stuff.

I placed in second place at state for programming concepts, competed in nationals out of a lot of people and placed something like 20th, and that's after not studding any programming for a long time(10 years or so)
I placed 2nd place in public speaking at state and competed in nationals.
in the past I've been able to do a lot of work in a short amount of time, not ever my favorite strategy, however, I can and I must cause I've got a lot of homework to do the next few days. this year I'm competing in behavioral leadership and spreadsheet design, both I think, right up my alley.

heh, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darnit people like me.

right after a nap

Drogheda98 03-02-20 07:13 AM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
alright, its day 5 of not smoking for me and so far, I feel alright, last night was kind of, ehh, odd, went to sleep way early, woke up maybe 2 times and woke up at 4 local time, got up, went to take my adderall and put the alarm for 20 minutes as I listen to music. this by the way isn't my homework, got some emotional stuff to work out before my homework, cause it's something self reflecting has taught me.

there where fewer urges yesterday but, holy crap where they strong, perhaps it's because I'm taking my adderall where the past 4 days I wasn't so Mixed a .03 dose of clono this morning with the adderall.

yesterday I didn't get much done besides some shopping for the foodstuffs I need for my brain, mostly it's just healthy diet stuff, something I was going to do anyway but now that I'm kicked into high gear so to speak, or that might just be the adderall talking, either way. sense I know the chantex has a tendency to make me sleepy, and I have a bunch of homework to do, ya, I think just a bit of clono until I get home this afternoon is a good call.

the way I master part of my environment is music, whenever I study or do homework I always search the youtubes for "study music" and go from there, it really helps.

yesterday, as far as relationships go, well, my father always hums or whistles when he is agitated, and lets just say he did that a lot. all I asked is that he not go through my trash and for ten minutes there was a fight about absolutely nothing, then my mother gets on me about someday she won't be speaking and be gone.... she knows how to push my buttons, she knew exactly what to say because I went to her once for comfort saying the exact thing about Austin, they both know I'm quitting drinking cold turkey, and I wasn't drinking a lot but still, and quitting smoking, just had my best friend die, and have said to them how my emotions are litterly all over the place and with the addition of completely stopping smoking, both of them are nurses, they should know my emotions are riding high right now, but instead of talking abot emotions, we talk about "these wires I threw away look good", my father and mother know I'm the tech geek of the family, there is a reason I throw away the computer stuff I throw away "cause those wires don't work anymore" I say "can't we talk about emotions and stuff that matters instead of crushing coors light cans to get half a cent, or politics, something that has nothing to do about us" I said to my father.... whistles.

I constalty tell them to call me what I am and not what I'm not. babe, baby, boy, is what they call me. I want to say to them, thus am saying to you all " could a boy go to state and compete in programming and make it to nationals, I didn't do that for them but for myself, could such a notion ring in a boy's head" "why not know the real me and not some notion of (not going to project but going to say it as if they are here) who you think I am, wouldn't it be better that way, maybee then you would know why I threw the wires away, because Hell I know how to program a computer, well, system as me and an actual computer (I know like 4 different programming languages, c++ really well, working on unity engine, which I think is both an inner outer thing but whatever, unity is a real deal programming languages as well to program computer apps for smart phones and computers, games and whatnot).

I'm smart, something I've been told all my life, I've been told I've not been living up to my potential, perhaps I hit on something here. when I was in pshych class, and I'm not bragging just stating facts, I made 130 (class, not therapy), I did the math and wondered how, I didn't do any bonus work, I went up to the professor and said I didn't deserve that grade, it's mathematically impossible. the people in class where talking about their grades, 98 and 103 I remember hearing, I remember this guy talking about doing bonus work, the guy who made 103, when we where talking about Iq some people held up there hand to say theirs, I didn't want to brag so just sort of made a gesture to my professor (cause we talked, the only people I even talk to about IQ anymore are therapist and my closest friends, I guess I feel comfortable here cause I can say it here)

I told her how I took the tests, which is the only grades besides participation she took, she told me and I'm telling you all " because I participated in class talk and didn't use the cheat sheet that everybody could it was her call to give me the grade" I do recall telling her that I wanted to test myself by taking her tests without the cheat sheet, something that I recall some of the others saying they used, how easy the test was cause all anyone needed to do was copy the answers, I didn't, and I actively used what I learned from the class in own life... something we talked about.

she said I absolutely deserved the grade even though I might of felt like I did not, said something like (gonna reflexively) it's not my hangup for them micromanaging my lives but theirs, I 100% deserve that grade.

I love my parents, always well, even if under my breath I have to say "I'm not a babe, I'm not a baby, I'm not a child, and ladyda" perhaps if they knew me, they would understand that I am 100% capable of doing, that I know what I'm doing, that yes father, the reason I threw the stuff away is because the stuff doesn't work anymore and I know that because I've been nerdy for 20 years and have even built my own computer stuff so perhaps the computer, guy, me, knows when computer stuff needs to be chunked, and perhaps it's not the best idea father (who is't reading this) to go through a persons trash, maybe just maybe, it degrades anybody's self esteem.

I still love him though no matter what, cause I know love does not have to be earned.

ok, I feel readdy to start my actualy homework now:giggle:

Drogheda98 03-02-20 01:35 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
just gota say, this self reflection stuff is really working.

I got up this morning, posted all of that, and did like 2 hours of college work, got the info I needed for the events this semester, etc, etc.

I figured, if I can trust myself to stop drinking and smoking, I can trust myself to do what I both need to do, and truly want to do, like, to be that guy I see in the morning, I might sound crazy here, but I just want to be me.

I'll try 30 minutes on 30 minutes off today, doing/reward. I'll start marking things down on the calander, making my own meals, connected more with my friends, my thoughts have deffinitly started to change recently, I can't really explain it, so I think the best thing for me to do is take it one day at a time for now while I get even more centered. I need and want to focus on my classes, and on myself, and listen to my friends when they are around.

Drogheda98 03-18-20 04:39 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
this virus stuff has me worried.

where I live there actually isn't any cases, but around my county there is, and I'm differentiating in my mind(thus I'm both self reflecting in the here and the now on the boards and in my mind, and I'm not confusing the two either, learning what to leave on my cusp for others to know and what to keep withen) cause I have noticed some wonky associations, the more I self reflect the more the associations get straightened out in my mind, which is reflected in both my words and actions and that is reflected in reality when I don't talk with a lot of ego statments, from what I've been able to discover about my self and probably the human condition is, the more I self reflect the less ego but stronger ego I have in daily conversations, the places I tend to have a lot of ego statements is anyplace I tend to associate with therapy, that's therapy, here on the boards, and when I talk to my psychologist professor at collage.

at anyrate, I've been thinking a lot about the covid-19 virus, and it scared me at first, what really fustrated me is, now that I know who I am, the "that of itself" which is damn near impossible to actually portray in words (which is why my therapist told me a long time ago I have to notice it myself and it can't really be told, cause the difference between ego, projection and superego functioning can't really be taught but only learned, atleast that's how I understand this stuff anyway), beleifes, values, etc, noticing my unconscious fears, how Austin and I's life-force was sort of, spiraled together in a way so that I could know what that means (I do have a book I actually want to right about my journey) mental distance, thus I can read others self reflections or just ego statments and not echo or reflect their own. when I was readdy to actually have a relationship with someone else, the covid stuff happened happened.


for a long time I knew I was smart, but didn't really know I was smart, if that makes sense to anybody else., the dichotomy between self-trust and (sense I've self reflecting yes I'm talking about myself, which when I do as such I don't talk about myself out in the world)self-trust and how smart I actually am is, bizarre, self-trust was always the core wound, and it was inflicted on me over time by my parents and others projecting onto me, micromanaging my life, etc, the more I micromanage my own life the smarter I am, which is just kind of odd for me to think about.

anyway, there isn't any covid virus in the county in which I live, but around the county there is, I've had time to stock up, really learn from the CDC, even though I've had issue with my parents in the past I don't any longer, in fact, them not being there scares the **** out of me, so I filled the pantry with foodstuffs for probably 2 months, not being greedy and buying up everything (a lot of the stuff I did buy is baking, cooking, with some nonparatiable foodstuffs,) today I'm going to go buy some more cleaning supplies, because I have asthma and don't need to be out and about myself. I'm taking the time, hopefully just 2 months, to improve my cooking skills and cleaning skills, exercise, all classes are online now. reinstalled focus factor on my pc cause my eyes would get glued to facebooks doom and gloom atmosphere.

8 weeks, the number 8, the weird synchronicity of my life I've still not yet figured out, but hey, nobody is perfect.

I went to the pharmacy of wallmart and asked for some iodine, I remember back when I was an eagle scout, we would purify water with iodine and I thought "if need be, why not ask" the lady at the counter thought I was a meth dealer and I asked myself then like I am now "is that how others perceive me" I looked at the grocery cat, trash bags, cooking supplies... heh, of course I went to the pharmacy before I bought the pizza's and tunafish so I get how that looked to her, still now I'm asking myself, are people like that the reason I've doubted myself for so long, cause that is just what I was tough for emergencies, I really wanted to tell her to **** off but, whatever.

I can recall being in class and asking "what's the Z" and the professor making fun of me, so many times in the past I've been curious or known how to do something only to have somebody cut me down, well, the Z is mount zion I'm going to climb in utah, sorry/not sorry lady for knowing how water purification works. I think in the past, possibly, I've let people like them, cut me down so much I forgot which way was up, which, most of the time I do now, sort of like the swamp that was my depression was litterly other's just, cutting away at me, so at one time I gave up.

I remember playing football when I was young at church, when I got the ball I was unstoppable, I remember pushing like 10 people 10 or 11 yards then somebody kicked me in the nutts, **** like that has always happened my entire life, I don't know if I deserved it, I can remember blaming others for which the blame was on me, but I can't get away from the thought that whenever I do my best and live forthrightly, others cut me down, something I will not reciprocate, if I see others doing better than me, hell I can learn from them, if others want to learn from me I know reflxeitivity of ego so I can teach, I know it's not all about me because the last week, even when I go to the store I've been at risk for the virus, going another time tonight, cause my parents, they are the ones at risk for covid-19, I don't them to catch the virus, I don't me either to catch the virus so I can utilize my smarts like I have.

I come from a good place, a family line, two family tree's came together to create me, it's time I started to do my best in everything I do, regardless of what others actually think, and ignoring what I think that others might think, I've been utilizing Facebook only to really share the means I've created, well now anyway, if I ever catch myself just stuck in facebook land I have focus factor to help me out.

stay safe you all, times really are changing, we can either take this time to improve or not. I choose to improve

Drogheda98 03-18-20 07:12 PM

Re: some self reflections and self-affirmation
also I really hit on something here because ever sense I self reflected right here I just gota say I got a lot more energy, something changed inside for the better and I don't know what. purpose, or identifying the antithesis, or what anxiety is

but my energy level has increased, I don't feel downtrodden, I remembered that in the first few years of therapy with the first process I would do stuff for other people in the first tier process, I'm caring.

it's like a cognitive knot has been lifted, that other people can look at me like that lady did, and be completely wrong, that the only standards right now I have to live up to, our my own, if that's just taking care of myself at any time (teeth brushing, shower, cleaning room, constructive activities) or taking care of others that I love.

I gota cake to go buy.

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