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asalem 03-14-18 10:58 AM

My ADHD is so bad that.....
I can't function right everyday. My symptoms are a little calmer today but I can't guarantee that in a few hours. It fluctuates back and forth. I finally forced myself to find time in between my shifts to clean my car and do laundry and run some important errands. I have been procrastinating these things for two weeks, except for the laundry part since my sister does it sometimes. I am very impatient. Like even putting on my clothes for work. I have to dress fast. I feel like I am racing against the clock. I can't get out of my zone unless I am working or have coffee. It will make me feel good enough to be just a little productive. If I don't drink coffee, i feel stupid, slow, and depressed. That isn't withdraw symptoms. I've quit coffee for many months and my original personality is exactly like that. Coffee makes me a different person but too much can make me overloaded and I always drink too much. The best time for me to be calm is in the morning time. It's not coffee that makes me impulsive. I am naturally like this. Without any more stimulation substances such as coffee, I am basically obsolete. I have no will to live and I don't see how people can function without stimulants. I don't take medication. Why?

My ADHD is so bad that I can't don't know the process of seeing a psychiatrist and I don't have insurance. This is due to switching jobs 2 or 3 times a year. I finally found a job I might like and I plan on changing this routine caused by this mental illness. Even if I had insurance, I would just procrastinate. I am not lazy but there is a tick in me that makes me rush everything. Even when i eat. I feel like I have to eat fast and I feel like I am on speed or something. I can't sit still anywhere. Even when driving. I will make poor decisions and drive to the wrong places when running errands or drive for a long time trying to think when to do first and how my schedule should be. I JUST CAN'T MAKE DECISIONS. Even when I go shopping. I am indecisive. I would spend hours looking for socks but because of my adhd, I just grab anything because I am not patient to spend the time to look for socks.

In gas stations or grocery stores, I will blurt random things in a low voice and fidget if there is big line. Especially I am overloaded. If I am overloaded, the monster in me dreads having to go inside to grab coffee. And when I do, I will make the coffee in no time.

My ADHD has caused me live in van the entire year of 2017. Even when I had paying job at the factory, making over a 1,000$/week. I couldn't find time in between my 12 hour shifts to look for a apartment. I just gave up on looking in the end and quit that job because that job was messing with me bad. I would go to work hating my life.

Sometimes, I think I have the worst case ADHD there is. Because I have made poor decisions that have cost me fortunes. Once, I drove from city A to city B in a 3 hour drive trying to decide where to go next. This was when I was unemployed but had money. Then I drove back to city A after deciding I want the spend the night A. Halfway, I decided I made the wrong city and I am tired so I drove back home. That's when I realized I am not right. I cry in my car because of my illness. I have no control over my impulsiveness and my lack of patient.

On top of all this, I am very sure I suffer from aspergers, misophonia, trichotillomania, and a speech impediment (diagnosed with that at a early age). I could sit for a long time picking at my beard hair and eyelashes. I don't find myself normal at all. I don't have any more friends because the last time, they treated me like I was inferior to them. The only friends I have is mentally impaired people. I feel sad because I don't have the support I need. I tried reaching out to my family but they don't understand mental illness. Arabs just shrug it off as being something else. I live far away from my parents and they care about me, but not enough to offer me emotion support. They offer no emotional support at all. So I don't bother telling me my life story.

I am not feeling sorry for myself. I am just very sad I don't have any support at all. I got no real friends who care.

Thanks for hearing my story.

SuperSparks 03-14-18 02:05 PM

Re: My ADHD is so bad that.....
You decision making is naturally different from that of others due to the nature of the condition. At least this is what the books say, and from personal experience as a late-comer to the ADD party, it stands true for myself also.

I've also found myself life-hindered in many ways with barely a roof covering my head even though I was making money at the time. It all sounds strange to the outside person but I totally understand where you're coming from.

I'd say your first step is to ensure you have pharmacological means to deal with your symptomatology, i.e lack of impulse control and concentration. You need medical attention if you're to start grabbing the bull by its horns for taming.

I've truly felt the kind of solitude you're feeling even though I did have people around me. I came to realize however that my lack of willingness to create the opportunity to break free of my solitude was actually the warden that put me in that prison to start with. Reach out to people that can help arrange medical advice.

You don't have the worst case of ADD ever, but perhaps from your subjective experiences you have the worst case you have personally seen. It's not the case and you shouldn't waste time thinking about where you are in that respect. You are at point A and you need to get to point B.

A is your current untreated condition. B is your milestone moment where:

You dont have trouble maintaining a well structured routine.

You are not plagued by your symptomatology

You have medical and social support.

You are comfortable and happy.

If you think for one second that these aren't attainable things, you are misguided by your own current condition and beliefs. To me, it sounds like you've worked yourself up a little as well as being kicked around by your condition. I was the same. I thought many diagnoses for my behavior but it all ended up being ADD. What I'm saying is that you should't jump to conclusions about what you do and/or do not have. You should seek out a doctor and get started.

It's hard to believe, but I was in a situation and a half in life because of ADD. I wasn't riding or taming the dragon at all; instead I let it take me down the darkest roads of life and I was convinced (because of my unshattering beliefs) that there was no turning back.

I'm actually doing allright and I wholeheartedly wish you the same. You have to wish this for yourself too. First put your beliefs aside and go to a doctor to assess your situation. Take it from there. You will feel better. There is more to your story and you should make it a good one.


Fuzzy12 03-14-18 04:35 PM

Re: My ADHD is so bad that.....
I'm sorry you are struggling. Could you ask your gp for help on the diagnostic process?

It sucks that your family isn't more supportive. My family don't believe in ADHD either or that I could have it. Your best bet is really seeing a psychiatrist,getting g diagnosed and getting treatment.

sarahsweets 03-15-18 04:20 AM

Re: My ADHD is so bad that.....
I think you need to see someone asap. There is definitely more than just adhd going on.

Peacebwu 03-15-18 03:06 PM

Re: My ADHD is so bad that.....
The path before you is one of a warrior! It's not easy nor for the faint of heart. Do you want to change some aspects of your life? Do you want to feel empowered and find a new support as you work through some things? You must decide and want to before any change can take place.

Thank you for sharing a part of your story! I am sorry for your pain and that you have found no support. Life was meant for more than pain. You were made for a purpose! I have found in my life when I didn't have support either by family or friends I needed to find it, even if I had to pay people to be that positive voice.

If we don't stand for something we will fall for anything. That's a dangerous place to be. We flop around from thing to thing, job to job, etc if we aren't grounded in a purpose. We have choices every day on what we want our life to look. It's really hard in the midst of struggle to see the options and choices, at times. It's hard to be motivated. It's easy to allow things like work to distract and eat up all of our energy.

I have recently found some helpful ways to deal with ADD/ADHD by looking at gut health. I found if we cut our sugar (which I love and am addicted to by the way), cut out dyes and processed foods and eat a diet full of rainbow colors of vegetables and fruits, health fats, nuts and seeds, legumes, and lean meats we can focus better, sleep better, attention is more focused and able to learn new things. We have also found essential oils for focus to help. Taking care of our bodies seems to be a basic necessity we easily let go to the wayside. Finding activities you enjoy and doing a little something for creativity and fun every day is important. In addition, a good sleep, eating, exercise every day, drinking 1/2 your body weight in oz of water a day, and building healthy relationships are necessities.

You talked a lot about coffee. I don't know if you add sugar to your coffee or drink it black. Coffee in itself can be a superfood if it's a quality no chemical or sugar laden product. Caffeine does mess with our ability to sleep if we don't cut it off about 5-7 hours before bedtime. I have switched over time to a decaf which still allows me to be stimulated, relaxed and enjoy my coffee without having the overdone raising. It's not fun trying to cut our sugar or caffeine! It should be done gradually with slow changes and substitutions over time. If you want to stick to coffee because it helps than perhaps timing of when you stop drinking it? Or, perhaps substitute some decaf later in the day?

Have you considered practicing some mindfulness activities? I was horrible at them at first. However, the mindfulness activities are like exercising a muscle. It takes time and practice to get good at it. I hear time and practice isn't a skill that's easy for you. When things quiet is there pain or trauma that you really are trying to run from in the race and need to deal with? If there's gut microbe that's off it's a chemical issue that is making is really challenging.

I have family that says they can't focus on 1 thing for more than 15 minutes. I'd argue that's more like 2 minutes max. But, what we've done is put into place some creative ways to get work done within the parameters of their ability and needs. They have a dish duty for the family that should take maybe 30-45 minutes but takes 1 1/2 because there mind roams and they are dancing to music the next minute or going to the bathroom, or striking up a conversation, or deciding to research something, etc. I had the same issue working where my mind would switch gears every few minutes and if I didn't jump with it I couldn't get back to focus on the project at hand and concentrate. So what we did is said how long can you focus with full concentration on a task, you don't like, before you have to do something else? The answer was 15 minutes. Let's look at your day and the windows of time you have to do the things you need to do. We discovered around a work day there was two 2 hour windows of free time to get other tasks done around dinner. So it was suggested to break down a task and go at it for 15 minutes than switch gears and work on something they want to do and need to get done for 45 minutes, then back to the task they don't like for 15 minutes, back to the task they like. They also needed an activity for the 15 minute breaks that gave them physical activity so if you have been sitting for 45 minutes then go take a walk, do the dishes that get you moving, clean, etc.

I don't know if where you live you have any accommodations you can tap into at work to protect your position and receive extra help. It sounds like you like your new job and it's important you enjoy your work!

It's easy for ADHD and ADD kids to be misunderstood by family and oftentimes get negative messages along with outburst of frustration as if it's something they do on purpose. We can walk away feeling devalued, defected, worthless, etc. May I be a voice to say You are worthy! You are made for a purpose! You are uniquely made and therefore wired differently, on purpose! You are worth investing time to understand yourself and figure out what it is you need to live a full life.

It doesn't really matter what other think, although it matters to our feelings at times, the reality is that you matter more than others thoughts of you. I like to remind's not my business what others think of me.

Is there a list you could start making to keep track or write down the coping mechanisms you have that allow to function within your current state? Are there things that you found helpful in the past that maybe you haven't tapped into? Are there things you think would help if you could have them, in a perfect world? I find writing helps our body on many levels to process, learn and deal with our need to move. If you're stuck listening to someone for long periods of time do you have a fidget tool or a pad to take notes so you can be engaged? You have discovered caffeine helps...perhaps begin investigate what other tools you can begin to gather for your toolbox? I find it's helpful to have many for different situations.

Thank you for sharing!

JoshuaL 03-18-18 04:37 AM

Re: My ADHD is so bad that.....
What helped me with my adhd was figuring out what was me and what was the adhd. I found that I wasn't losing my focus as much as losing the memory of whatever was in my short term memory. Once I was able to notice when it happened i started to ready myself for it I thought I could work through it like that, unfortunatly about 7 years of trying(unmeddicated) that way I only got a bit better but it would almost never work in even slightly stressful situation. I am now on 54mg of methphenidate and it was like i just joined the stream of reality it was nothing lile the lower meds they felt lile a crutch to lean on. You talked about having a speech impediment and possibly aspergers well i was diagnosed with both and along my journey I found that both of them were a part of my adhd. Think about it we learn language by hearing it and allowing it to build on itself and aspergers is just a fancy doctor word for "I have noidea whats wrong". All in all no amount of coffee(which helps) or anything else i tried holds a candle to even the lowest dose of Methylphenidate. The medication will take time to work once you've found the dose that works for you, it will take a while for the full effect to take hold like a year maybe more. I say this because adhd people have to make every memory on the spot or they lose it and i feel as if my body is getting used to the new way processing/accessimg memories that were unable to be used because of the memory loss problem. That being said Methylphenidate has really only helped me with my memory problem my impuses still run rampant at times. Only one problem with the meds that i found was before i would get super angry but it would disapate quickly on the med if i got mad I would stay mad for hours with practice i have much more control now though it is the worst when starting a new dose level. If you are conpletly against the meddication route the only other way i know through it is the schedual the rest of your life down to the hour and find a way to commit amd thats what my dad did but for me I'd rather not live in a cage for the rest pf my life. If you have anyother questions about my post feel free to ask. I understand how life crippling sever adhd can be.

asalem 03-21-18 07:01 PM

Re: My ADHD is so bad that.....

Originally Posted by sarahsweets (Post 1988566)
I think you need to see someone asap. There is definitely more than just adhd going on.

Really? I knew it was bad. What do you think?

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