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-   -   My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=195354)

sarahsweets 10-26-19 03:06 AM

My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
(http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=195147)
This is the thread about the first time. She is still with this immature, hardly equipped underachieving guy who is nice enough but not ready to handle fatherhood. They left their apartment and have been staying with his mother saving up for a place. 3 weeks ago I had a dream I was strapping my granddaughter into a carseat and woke up sick to my stomach. Since the first scare all of us were on her about birth control so they deliberately did this. It was an actual choice. Last friday she needed a ride to her doc appointment and her dad is trying to fix her car. He took her. I knew then something was up. I kept asking her if she needed to tell me anything. When she got back I asked how it went rather- I asked her if the doctor confirmed she was pregnant. She actually looked shocked for a hot minute but I can always tell when she is lying or has something going on. She is 10 weeks along. In her heart of hearts she knows this relationship is not a forever thing. She knows that she will be legally tied to him forever. She barely graduated HS and had to go to rehab and sober living where she was actually doing well at. I was remarkably calm and didnt tell anyone for a few days. Then I told my husband who had his heart broken again, her siblings who are upset and my mother who is so angry because of how this will impact my life.

I am not a selfish person but I am 44 and finally at a point where I can think about doing something for me- like a career that involves my degree. And now we will be grandparents in May because she selfishly wants a baby, I guess to unconditionally love her. Even as a little girl she always said she wanted to be a mom when she grew up. I always told her that yes, being a mom is important but you should have something for yourself and can be a mom as well. They have no money. His mother lives north of us. The took jobs at the amazon warehouse night shift 6-430am. She is PREGNANT. She fainted at work last night so we went and picked her up. She has spent two nights at the house. Ultimately we just arent suited to living together. She always wanted no accountability. I cant tell someone to have an abortion. But if she asked me to help her get one I would and that makes me sound like a horrible person. She has no education and is about to ask amazon if they can give her something less physical to do but there are no guarantees. And what are we supposed to do? None of this is the baby's fault. The baby didnt choose this. If she has this baby we are not heartless and believe me, this guys dysfunctional house is not where you want a grandchild living. We would not allow our grandbaby to suffer. But how can we not enable her and protect the baby that she selfishly is choosing to have. She needs an actual address so she can apply for all the social services because our insurance will cover my kids and adopted kids but not grandchildren.

I am projecting scenarios left and right and go back and forth between acceptance and anger, sadness, depression, worry. My mind is a hamster wheel. And you all know what a nazi sleep schedule I keep but here I am reaching out for help at 3am and havent slept yet.
I do not want to resent my daughter or grandchild but how can I possibly be happy for an actual deliberate choice to get pregnant. Sure, she says they didnt just one night decide to go for it but it happened she lost the first one, they never followed up or took any precaution which is the same to me as choosing. If you have unprotected sex its extremely likely you will get pregnant. A choice. And we have to guide her to... what? Not be with the guy, be with the guy, have the baby, live here,live somewhere else I am truly so upset and at a loss. March 23 it will be two years since she ran away and the entire fracture in our family began..............

Lunacie 10-26-19 12:22 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
((((sarahsweets))))
I wish I could tell you that none of this is your responsibility.
But I know I'd feel if I was in your shoes. :grouphug:

Rebelyell 10-28-19 12:10 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I'm sorry your having so much difficulty w your daughter.do you think the drugs effected her brain or.is she just obstinate because of ADHD etc? I ask because it seems sadly she keeps adding to her poor choices making it more difficult for her n her future not to mention stressing the crap out of her family..

20thcenturyfox 10-31-19 06:17 PM

No Good Deed...
 
I am so sorry to hear about this. After you've done so much to take responsibility for--and substantially address-- your own problems, and then tried to let your experiences help others, this is a terrible bind to be placed in...damned if you help, damned if you let the chips fall where they may.

I will hold you all in my thoughts and prayers. May some good come of it somehow.

midnightstar 11-01-19 08:23 AM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I'm sorry she's doing this, sarah, maybe make it clear to her that baby will be her responsibility not yours? :grouphug:

20thcenturyfox 11-02-19 08:25 PM

When Will They Think About What is Best for this Child?
 
It's possible she did this deliberately, but even in the 21st century accidental pregnancies happen for all sorts of reasons. So I would not dwell on the "selfishness" of getting pregnant. It was a moment in time, and everyone makes mistakes. It's what you do about your mistakes afterward that takes character.

So I guess I tend to dwell more on the monstrous and protracted selfishness these immature and unsettled parents are already demonstrating by assuming this poor baby should be stuck with them (and whatever help they can wrangle from their parents and public assistance)!

Obviously it is their decision, not anyone else's...but that's a pity if they're not considering what sort of parents they can be at this stage of their lives, and what sort of start in life they honestly think they can give to a baby with its whole life ahead of it. Is there some reason to think their prospects will improve? Do they think they will do a better job than their own parents? Can they really not think of how to give this baby its best chance for a stable loving home, perhaps even with more educated parents and better economic opportunities than they can hope to offer? Loving a child generally involves making many sacrifices over a long period of time. Deliberately preventing your child from escaping a bad situation with you to have better opportunities elsewhere seems more selfish to me than deliberately getting pregnant.

It's not as if there aren't would-be families everywhere ready, able, and eager to love, raise and support this child in a more stable and auspicious (if not actually massively more enriched) environment. Many of them would consider an open adoption where you could continue to have contact with the child without having the responsibilities and worries of providing for it.

tudorose 11-03-19 08:34 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I dunno what to add apart from that both my husband and I are no contact with all our family and a big part of it was the carry on when I got pregnant at 18. The whole you made your bed you lie in it. You disgraced the family. You're a stupid kid who went and got herself pregnant while others have to use ivf. Not ready to be grandparents. Selfish inconsiderate blah blah blah. Anyway no support just ****loads of criticism. So consequently our view is that they can all go **** themselves forever.

I understand you're frustrated just be aware of how it may turn out if it all goes too far. Our view was and still is that if they didn't approve then fine but they didn't need to punish us for the rest of our ******* lives.

How you handle this will dictate how things are forever. Set your boundaries but watch the name calling like selfish.

I'm not trying to be judgy I'm just telling you what it's like from the other side so you can still maintain a relationship with her.

SashaBV 11-03-19 09:15 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I explained to my DD when she was a teen that if she became pg that she had better be able to support her child (IF she didn't get an abortion or give it away), because I wouldn't do it. Fortunately I didn't have to face that. Don't know how I would have really dealt with it if it had happened. That's a shame, really. I've always felt like children need a lot from their parents and it's very hard to be a parent. Maybe because my parents were poor and had 4 children, that might be why I only had one child. When myself and my siblings were children, we sometimes suffered because they barely had enough money to just pay rent, food and transportation, so we had no medical care and the few clothes and shoes we had to use were used stuff. I wanted to give my child a better life. We did know we were loved by our parents, at least.

Free to Fly 11-15-19 11:20 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
Dang, you got a handful!!! I can only say my wife and I adopted a girl, and when she was in her 20's she contacted the birth mother, to meet her and her half sister. (With our blessings) She has told us that the life she would have had would have been very different. We are definitely a middle class family with an outdoors and a cultural leaning. Not all unicorns and butterflies....she became a late teen mom, but the grand daughter is a blessing. I don't have any really good advice, except that adoption does work for some families.

sarahsweets 12-25-19 07:22 AM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
***UPDATE***
She is about 4.5 months along. She goes back on the 8th to find out the gender. They signed their lease for an apartment last Friday and something terrible happened. The BF was hired seasonal for the Wayfair warehouse. He was told they would keep some of the seasonal people on after the holidays. He never missed a day or was late and took all the overtime- one point he worked 125 hours in pay period. The day they signed their lease last week, Becca they came back to the house and Becca got the utility bill set up in her name and she took him to work. She got a call an hour later and Wayfair had all the seasonal help come in, they assembled them in the training room and fired everyone immediately and sent them home. 30+ people had no idea they were losing their jobs a few days before christmas. They were told they would be there at least until the second day in Jan due to holiday returns. No one expected it.
To the boyfriends credit he had been talking to his managers all along and they were receptive to keeping him after the holidays. I guess upper management made the decision. It was a really sh**ty thing to do. Making all the people come in only to lay them off. He worked the day before and no one said a thing.
They just signed a lease and now he needs to scramble to find a job. She needs to find one too. They are moving into an apartment 5 minutes away from me.
He dropped out of HS (nineth or tenth grade) so his job prospects are limited. He says he wants to get his GED but honestly, he is not the brightest bulb so I do not see that as possible. She barely graduated HS so neither of them have any sort of skill training or advanced education so they will be at the mercy of minimum wage jobs.
I told her now that she lives in my county I can help her apply for social services but who knows how long that takes. The baby needs medicaid because our insurance only covers her, not my grand children.

Hubby and I are upset that she might not give the baby her last name. The BF can be on the birth certificate of course but I just dont see this as a forever thing and view having the baby with the same last name as her as protection for when things go south.
**sigh** merry christmas.
I will never shop at wayfair. I never have and now I never will.

Lunacie 12-25-19 12:03 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
Crikey! I've never shopped at Wayfair either, and certainly don't plan to.
Although all corporations tend to do business this way.

Good point about the baby having Becca's last name, especially if she doesn't
take her boyfriend's name herself.

Got a Christmas card the other day addressed to Jenn B, Katlin B, Nove B, and
Gramma B. I'm not Gramma B, I'm Gramma F. But the young man who wrote
the address has autism, and family dynamics can be tough to figure out.
Basically I've been Gramma B for the last 20 years anyway, since I kicked my
ex to the curb just before my first grandbaby was born! :D

willow129 12-25-19 10:56 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
Wow. I’m just catching up on this and your last thread...I was insanely neglected by my parents, and I think about having kids a lot, and like...my philosophy and expectation for myself is that my life has to be as damn near close to perfect as I can get it before I allow myself to bring a child into my world.. And if my life doesn’t get there, so be it. Better to not bring more suffering onto another helpless human. So this from the previous thread blows my mind - you asked her what her plan was and she said “ Her: " I am going to apply for cash assistance, section 8 housing, food stamps and WIC."”
God. I have a degree, I am a teacher, I have savings, and still all I see are all the things I want to fix up before a child enters the equation. I wish I could send her a picture from my brain, my memories of my childhood so she would take this more seriously. A baby doesn’t bring happiness and fulfillment. Halfway ready is not ready enough.
I’m sorry, I know I’m preaching to the choir. It’s probably stupid of me to say all this, but I guess I’m including it for some perspective on my next bit:

As far as grandparents go, what I have to say about that is that even though my grandparents lived hours away from us, with the **** we grew up in, I just don’t know how to express how much they helped me and my siblings. We are even super close with our step grandmother too. It was the best thing ever to see them, to get advice from them, to look up to them. So many little things they would say to guide us on what was important, how to bring ourselves out of the life we had, they stuck with us throughout the years. Grandparents are so beautiful and important. I love mine absolutely wholeheartedly and endlessly and I think of how I can live up to all the things I learned from them all the time, everyday. You can be a wonderful part of this child’s life, and be a wonderful role model and help for them. I hope you have the best connection with your grandchild and I hope it brings you so much joy. I know it’s hard to imagine, because the circumstances are so stressful, but they were in our family too, and we just loved our grandparents so much and I know they loved us too. I think for them, we are so devoted to loving and appreciating them, I hope, and I think it gave back to them too. We had so many special moments with them, and we were so grateful to them, and having their love is one of the best things in my life.

Hugs and love to you and your family

sarahsweets 01-25-20 07:39 AM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
**update**
Its a boy! They plan on naming him Isaiah James. They moved into an apartment 5 minutes from me. I managed to secure them a living room set, end tables, kitchen table and chairs and other odds and ends for free. I had friends donate curtains and she got some things like pots and pans for christmas. My husband's coworker has a two year old son so she dropped off a high chair, exer-saucer, bottle warmer and size 9 month clothes. Becca had been seeing my SIL a bit when they lived with the BF's mom because they were one town over and discussing a baby shower. Holy hell have they changed. Its no longer for girls anymore, not it a party. My SIL gave her a cap of 40 people ! 40 people. I have been told/"asked" to make my famous fried chicken and mac and cheese. I enlisted the help of my MIL so the three of us are going to get together and plan it for march. The hell if I am taking this on myself. She needs to register on Amazon for what she needs. She wanted a girl and frankly so did I but a baby is a baby. I am trying not to harbor resentment for the dumb BF. He got another warehouse job and then they laid him off and in the same day rehired him. He got a call from wayfair offering him permanent fulltime and with better money. His intent was to stay at both jobs until he got his first wayfair paycheck but the sketchy warehouse laid people off again. The only issue with wayfair is that he works 5-330 am. He doesnt have his license back yet so that means Becca is the driver. How the hell will she do that with a new baby?? I went over to her house about a week ago and I called every social service agency I could. She got approved for wic and the medicaid and food stamp applications are on the way. She needs to apply for energy assistance. They both need to think long term. She should have been working on this time but now that she is starting to show I cant see her being hired. I just hope she realizes that she cant afford to be a stay at home mom. If she went out after the baby comes and got a job and ASKED me to babysit I would. But I am not going to offer her this unless she shows some effort about taking care of her own business. I hope they pay their bills on time. Neither of them are good with money.

Emre22 01-25-20 08:26 AM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I do not know legal limits of abortion in USA or state that u live in but if you still have time, try to convince her to have abortion. if you do it , it won't make you cruel person . u will save her life and unborn babies life. it doesnt look like good time to have child, i am sorry to hear that you are going through hard times. Ehh i wasn't quiet when i was 19 years old, i was drinking alcohol, smoking weed ,drug enthusiast, didnt care about my college
but somehow i didnt make a choice that it would have impact in my whole life, probably i am lucky
If it already passed legal last day, congrats you are going to be grandma

sarahsweets 01-26-20 07:48 AM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
She told us she was pregant in July but lost the baby after 2 weeks. I can say I was relieved because I feel the choice was removed from her control however they immediately went out and got pregnant on purpose right away. I dont understand it yet. I got her to agree to see a doc around me because hers and her hospital were 45 minutes away and my mom works in the recovery room and my brother in the ICU at the hospital she would use and they are baby friendly and have a level 3 nicu. It is far to long for an abortion even if it is legal. To us at 6.5 months its a baby, our grandchild so now we are in the midst of planning a baby shower. At least I am not along in this, my SIL and MIL are helping/

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emre22 (Post 2023190)
I do not know legal limits of abortion in USA or state that u live in but if you still have time, try to convince her to have abortion. if you do it , it won't make you cruel person . u will save her life and unborn babies life. it doesnt look like good time to have child, i am sorry to hear that you are going through hard times. Ehh i wasn't quiet when i was 19 years old, i was drinking alcohol, smoking weed ,drug enthusiast, didnt care about my college
but somehow i didnt make a choice that it would have impact in my whole life, probably i am lucky
If it already passed legal last day, congrats you are going to be grandma



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