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-   -   My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents. (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=195354)

sarahsweets 10-26-19 03:06 AM

My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
(http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=195147)
This is the thread about the first time. She is still with this immature, hardly equipped underachieving guy who is nice enough but not ready to handle fatherhood. They left their apartment and have been staying with his mother saving up for a place. 3 weeks ago I had a dream I was strapping my granddaughter into a carseat and woke up sick to my stomach. Since the first scare all of us were on her about birth control so they deliberately did this. It was an actual choice. Last friday she needed a ride to her doc appointment and her dad is trying to fix her car. He took her. I knew then something was up. I kept asking her if she needed to tell me anything. When she got back I asked how it went rather- I asked her if the doctor confirmed she was pregnant. She actually looked shocked for a hot minute but I can always tell when she is lying or has something going on. She is 10 weeks along. In her heart of hearts she knows this relationship is not a forever thing. She knows that she will be legally tied to him forever. She barely graduated HS and had to go to rehab and sober living where she was actually doing well at. I was remarkably calm and didnt tell anyone for a few days. Then I told my husband who had his heart broken again, her siblings who are upset and my mother who is so angry because of how this will impact my life.

I am not a selfish person but I am 44 and finally at a point where I can think about doing something for me- like a career that involves my degree. And now we will be grandparents in May because she selfishly wants a baby, I guess to unconditionally love her. Even as a little girl she always said she wanted to be a mom when she grew up. I always told her that yes, being a mom is important but you should have something for yourself and can be a mom as well. They have no money. His mother lives north of us. The took jobs at the amazon warehouse night shift 6-430am. She is PREGNANT. She fainted at work last night so we went and picked her up. She has spent two nights at the house. Ultimately we just arent suited to living together. She always wanted no accountability. I cant tell someone to have an abortion. But if she asked me to help her get one I would and that makes me sound like a horrible person. She has no education and is about to ask amazon if they can give her something less physical to do but there are no guarantees. And what are we supposed to do? None of this is the baby's fault. The baby didnt choose this. If she has this baby we are not heartless and believe me, this guys dysfunctional house is not where you want a grandchild living. We would not allow our grandbaby to suffer. But how can we not enable her and protect the baby that she selfishly is choosing to have. She needs an actual address so she can apply for all the social services because our insurance will cover my kids and adopted kids but not grandchildren.

I am projecting scenarios left and right and go back and forth between acceptance and anger, sadness, depression, worry. My mind is a hamster wheel. And you all know what a nazi sleep schedule I keep but here I am reaching out for help at 3am and havent slept yet.
I do not want to resent my daughter or grandchild but how can I possibly be happy for an actual deliberate choice to get pregnant. Sure, she says they didnt just one night decide to go for it but it happened she lost the first one, they never followed up or took any precaution which is the same to me as choosing. If you have unprotected sex its extremely likely you will get pregnant. A choice. And we have to guide her to... what? Not be with the guy, be with the guy, have the baby, live here,live somewhere else I am truly so upset and at a loss. March 23 it will be two years since she ran away and the entire fracture in our family began..............

Lunacie 10-26-19 12:22 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
((((sarahsweets))))
I wish I could tell you that none of this is your responsibility.
But I know I'd feel if I was in your shoes. :grouphug:

Rebelyell 10-28-19 12:10 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I'm sorry your having so much difficulty w your daughter.do you think the drugs effected her brain or.is she just obstinate because of ADHD etc? I ask because it seems sadly she keeps adding to her poor choices making it more difficult for her n her future not to mention stressing the crap out of her family..

20thcenturyfox 10-31-19 06:17 PM

No Good Deed...
 
I am so sorry to hear about this. After you've done so much to take responsibility for--and substantially address-- your own problems, and then tried to let your experiences help others, this is a terrible bind to be placed in...damned if you help, damned if you let the chips fall where they may.

I will hold you all in my thoughts and prayers. May some good come of it somehow.

midnightstar 11-01-19 08:23 AM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I'm sorry she's doing this, sarah, maybe make it clear to her that baby will be her responsibility not yours? :grouphug:

20thcenturyfox 11-02-19 08:25 PM

When Will They Think About What is Best for this Child?
 
It's possible she did this deliberately, but even in the 21st century accidental pregnancies happen for all sorts of reasons. So I would not dwell on the "selfishness" of getting pregnant. It was a moment in time, and everyone makes mistakes. It's what you do about your mistakes afterward that takes character.

So I guess I tend to dwell more on the monstrous and protracted selfishness these immature and unsettled parents are already demonstrating by assuming this poor baby should be stuck with them (and whatever help they can wrangle from their parents and public assistance)!

Obviously it is their decision, not anyone else's...but that's a pity if they're not considering what sort of parents they can be at this stage of their lives, and what sort of start in life they honestly think they can give to a baby with its whole life ahead of it. Is there some reason to think their prospects will improve? Do they think they will do a better job than their own parents? Can they really not think of how to give this baby its best chance for a stable loving home, perhaps even with more educated parents and better economic opportunities than they can hope to offer? Loving a child generally involves making many sacrifices over a long period of time. Deliberately preventing your child from escaping a bad situation with you to have better opportunities elsewhere seems more selfish to me than deliberately getting pregnant.

It's not as if there aren't would-be families everywhere ready, able, and eager to love, raise and support this child in a more stable and auspicious (if not actually massively more enriched) environment. Many of them would consider an open adoption where you could continue to have contact with the child without having the responsibilities and worries of providing for it.

tudorose 11-03-19 08:34 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I dunno what to add apart from that both my husband and I are no contact with all our family and a big part of it was the carry on when I got pregnant at 18. The whole you made your bed you lie in it. You disgraced the family. You're a stupid kid who went and got herself pregnant while others have to use ivf. Not ready to be grandparents. Selfish inconsiderate blah blah blah. Anyway no support just ****loads of criticism. So consequently our view is that they can all go **** themselves forever.

I understand you're frustrated just be aware of how it may turn out if it all goes too far. Our view was and still is that if they didn't approve then fine but they didn't need to punish us for the rest of our ******* lives.

How you handle this will dictate how things are forever. Set your boundaries but watch the name calling like selfish.

I'm not trying to be judgy I'm just telling you what it's like from the other side so you can still maintain a relationship with her.

SashaBV 11-03-19 09:15 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
I explained to my DD when she was a teen that if she became pg that she had better be able to support her child (IF she didn't get an abortion or give it away), because I wouldn't do it. Fortunately I didn't have to face that. Don't know how I would have really dealt with it if it had happened. That's a shame, really. I've always felt like children need a lot from their parents and it's very hard to be a parent. Maybe because my parents were poor and had 4 children, that might be why I only had one child. When myself and my siblings were children, we sometimes suffered because they barely had enough money to just pay rent, food and transportation, so we had no medical care and the few clothes and shoes we had to use were used stuff. I wanted to give my child a better life. We did know we were loved by our parents, at least.

Free to Fly 11-15-19 11:20 PM

Re: My 19 year old daughter is pregnant AGAIN and forcing us to be grandparents.
 
Dang, you got a handful!!! I can only say my wife and I adopted a girl, and when she was in her 20's she contacted the birth mother, to meet her and her half sister. (With our blessings) She has told us that the life she would have had would have been very different. We are definitely a middle class family with an outdoors and a cultural leaning. Not all unicorns and butterflies....she became a late teen mom, but the grand daughter is a blessing. I don't have any really good advice, except that adoption does work for some families.


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