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-   -   What are we to do? (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=122302)

FlutteryPixie 04-17-12 08:07 PM

What are we to do?
 
Me and my boyfriend have had this problem nagging at us for three years now, and it doesn't seem to get solved. I'm too careful and scared of angering people to solve it, and the situation frustrates my boyfriend more and more...

It's kind of hard to explain in few words so another wall of text is incoming. Most important info in bold

We had these colleagues that turned into good friends when we lived in another country, they were very young compared to our other colleagues (about nineteen) but they were another couple and very sweet and fun, and from the same country as my boyfriend. Granted, we knew they weren't the most put together people, their apartment was a mess worse than any of mine have ever been even at the worst of my ADHD lows. However, I am pretty sure neither of them have ADHD.

When my boyfriend got ill we had to move back to his home country, and leave what we'd built in our home behind to travel home by plane. That meant we had to sell stuff, luckily most of the furniture was part of the rent contract. Our TV was barely 2 months old and very fancy, and our friends agreed to buy it for full price.

My boyfriend's usually pretty strict with such things, to avoid problems, but we had other pressing matters and didn't set up a written contract or anything with them, just agreed then and there, and left the TV at their house. They said they were going to pay us back when they got their summer bonus.

Summer came, and they had to move too, most likely spending their bonus in the move. Now they live in the same country as us, don't have jobs, but study. Of course that means they don't get much money, but we see them logging into Xbox Live in game after game, etc.... We see their status changes in social networks with things like "new Iphone"! We know they spend their money on whatever they want rather than take responsibility.


I can't believe I said those words :eyebrow:

It's been three years when May comes around, we tried to get them to agree to a downpayment plan, and they did. it didn't really require them to pay much a month at all, we were just trying to get them to pay a symbolic sum, to prove that they were aware of the situation. They paid once, a total of about $40, and then "disappeared" back into the shadows and avoided contact with us.

It...is....so...awkward....

Our friendship is now completely non existing. They avoid us, even when we didn't even ask them for the money for the first full year. Why would they do that, just to save the money, don't they feel bad at all??

If I owe someone money, and I have to postpone paying the person back for as much as a day, I feel really bad. A couple of years ago I realised that I had forgotten to pay a friend back about 5 dollars, and I felt really bad. These people owe us 1440 dollars, and they seem to have absolutely no scrouples even though they technically have practically stolen something from us, and use it every single day, knowing that we know.


We know they're not the most mature, but what kind of an excuse is that? We would always value friendship over money, and we've tried to do that in this situation too, but their avoiding us, making weird excuses and then openly showing off what they're really doing with their money on the internet....

What are we supposed to do in this situation? My boyfriend wants to confront them (to make them take responsibility), I want to hide my head under the nearest pillow and pretend they don't exist. We don't have a contract but we do have emails where they write about this situation and a record of the one small money transfer, so they've practically admitted that all this is true.

I don't really want to yell at them, but I know they're stepping all over me by using my fear of confrontation as well as my boyfriend's patience and sensible way with people to their benefit. We both feel used and like a whole friendship was less important to them than saving $40 every month...


The worst part is, I keep forgetting the whole thing, luntil my boyfriend brings it back up, wondering if I've thought of something, which I haven't because I forgot it...again... Or repressed it from my memory, or something along those lines.

Any suggestions? Because we sure could use them... I can see no good solution to this situation :( I'm really terrible with such things...

Edited silly italics and bolds to make the text more...readable...hopefully...

Flory 04-17-12 08:12 PM

Re: What are we to do?
 
wanna hire me as a debt collector...i have some anger issues , i need an outlet :p

jokes aside...its sh**ty that your fiends have done this to you...and without wishing to rub salt in a wound its a lesson learnt about these things

Now to resolution, i would suggest that you start with a gentle reminder of 'hey guys you know me and boyf are really struggling we'd like you to start paying some of this money back..even if its in installments etc''...see how it goes from there...im afraid your going to have to face them over it...no other option

ginniebean 04-17-12 09:00 PM

Re: What are we to do?
 
It's the way it is, fastest way to ruin a friendship is to loan money. It wouldn't surprise me at all if they do have ADHD.

TheChemicals 04-17-12 09:09 PM

Re: What are we to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by ginniebean (Post 1286979)
It's the way it is, fastest way to ruin a friendship is to loan money. It wouldn't surprise me at all if they do have ADHD.


100% true. This should be written somewhere in the book of life. Lending money to friends is a terrible idea. Better to just give money if a friend needs it than make a loan/ contract/ etc.

ginniebean 04-18-12 12:52 AM

Re: What are we to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by TheChemicals (Post 1286984)
100% true. This should be written somewhere in the book of life. Lending money to friends is a terrible idea. Better to just give money if a friend needs it than make a loan/ contract/ etc.

That's exactly what I do now. If I'm not prepared to give it with no strings attached then it doesn't get given. I won't loan money anymore.

avjgirsijdhtjhs 04-23-12 12:16 PM

Re: What are we to do?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by FlutteryPixie (Post 1286956)
Any suggestions?

Go to the police and inform them of the situation and have one of them go with you to their home so you can pick up the tv (Make no mention of any of this to the couple - just show up at their door totally unexpected one day with a police officer.). I figure they'll probably either lie to the cop and end up keeping the tv, or they'll be scared, tell the truth and you'll get your tv back.

Plan out your strategy(ies) beforehand for what you're going to do to counter all their "moves" (treat it like a chess game, and know what you'll do in response to any and all "moves" they could take) and draw\write out your plan with counter-moves to any moves they could possibly make, on paper and bring it with you to the confrontation if need be.

Decide beforehand about if you'd rather show up at their place when they're both there versus with just one of them there. If they are both there it will diffuse responsibility to a degree and make them feel as though they are less in the wrong (Example - one person getting caught murdering someone, vs a circle of people caught stoning a person to death), but may make it easier for that person to lie to the cop and tell the cop that they paid you for the tv, or whatever other lie they'll tell the cop, versus if there were both of them home at the time.

avjgirsijdhtjhs 04-23-12 12:21 PM

Re: What are we to do?
 
Oops, I meant to say that with only one of them there, it might be easier for that person to lie to the cop versus if both of them were there.

avjgirsijdhtjhs 04-23-12 01:16 PM

I was just thinking.
 
Go there with a cop when they are both at home. Have the cop ask one of them to come outside and explain to him the details of the situation, and have the two of them go out of earshot of the other person that lives at the home. Then have the cop do the same with the other person and do it out of earshot of the other occupant.

I figure that one of three things will happen:

1. They both tell the truth about the situation.

2. One will tell the truth about the situation, and the other will lie to the cop about the situation.

3. They'll both lie about the situation, but their stories will likely differ.


It looks to me like you've got a good chance of getting your tv back, regardless of what they tell him.

Fuzzy12 04-23-12 06:06 PM

Re: What are we to do?
 
That sounds like a real unpleasant situation. I try very hard not to get into any money dealings with friends or family because they usually turn ugly.

Having said that I think anyone, who would rather buy an iphone instead of paying you back what they owe you, is not a great friend. It seems like they don't want to pay you back (as opposed to not being able to).

I know, I'm a bit extreme and harsh in these things but I wouldn't consider them as friends anymore. I know that hurts but I couldn't be friends with people who cheat me out of money (or anything else) or who aren't reliable.

I hate confrontation too, so I'd probably let it go but I don't recommend that since it's quite a large sum. If you are comfortable with the idea, maybe the best is to go to the police. Or you could tell them them that if they haven't paid you back by a particular date (or started making down payments) then you will go to the police.


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