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-   -   My mother = frustration! (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=122437)

eksulli 04-19-12 09:25 AM

My mother = frustration!
 
So very new here!
So much great information, I am loving this board already.

Here is my introduction post: http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=122432

I just have to vent about my parents.

She has fought me tooth and nail since I told her I was going to look into getting some help with Kiya.
She has basically tore me (and my poor husband) down, insinuating that we are lacking as parents.
Outright stating that Kiya is the middle, and is just acting as such, that we should hug her more and that would solve the problem.
My mother even offered to take my child. (basically stating that she could rear her, if I was incapable.)

She went as far as contacting Kiya's teacher to get MORE information on her behaviors at school, because she didn't fully believe that there was a problem. :(

The thing that frustrates me the MOST is that they allow to run absolutely wild.
Things Kiya would NEVER dream of doing at home she does at their house.
While on the phone making arrangements for them to spend some time there tomorrow (as there is no school for them) my mother was telling that she's been having problems with Kiya swearing and being mean and angry.
I have NEVER NEVER NEVER in my life EVER seen the child be mean or get angry. She is always upbeat and happy and well... :D <---like that.
:eek: I was shocked.

My question is: WHY?

I was hurt and angry and more upset that I can explain.
Here is my mother telling me that I am a bad mother and then Kiya goes over there as has outburst like that?!

They allow her to cling to them.
If not controlled Kiya with go into almost fits of, "I WANT AN HUGGIE, HUGGIE, HUGGIE" while clinging to your arm, leg, neck, what ever she can get a hold of.
Almost to control the situation and keep you from leaving or giving attention to anything/anyone else.

She does NOT do this to me, except on rare occasion and she never gets away with it (at least not with myself or my husband).

They allow her to RUN full tilt through their house, screaming and acting like a maniac.
They allow her to call the shots and run the show when she is there.

How is this helping her?
How on Earth do I sit them down and say LOOK GET IT UNDER CONTROL OR SHE CANNOT COME.

They are making a bad situation WORSE and I am completely at a loss.

anticipate 04-19-12 10:51 AM

Re: My mother = frustration!
 
I think you need to sit down and have a calm conversation with your mother. I would try to remain as calm as you possibly can, and try not to bring up any previous incidents or point any blame.

I would tell her that you and your husband have become concerned with Kiya's behavior and are seeking some professional help to understand what's going on with her. Let her know you value her input as a parent, but that you and your husband are going to do what is best for her. I would also tell her that you and your husband have rules that have been established in your home and you expect the grandparents to enforce these rules when the children are with them as well. Have the rules WRITTEN DOWN. They should be anyway, so everyone in the house knows exactly what they are. They need to be concrete (IE: No Whining, No running inside. No rude language. etc) And then you also need to have the CONSEQUENCES written down so there is no confusion (first infraction = 3 min time out, 2nd infraction = 5min time out and loss of privledge, etc, etc.)

You need to be sure that you are approaching your mother as another adult, and not as her child. It's very difficult sometimes for adult children to alter their relationship with their parents to be a proper adult to adult relationship and not a parent/child one.

Good luck! And know that your children are ALWAYS going to get away with a little more bad behavior with the grandparents, and the grandparents are always going to gloss over stuff more than you'd like. You need to decide what is completely unacceptable behavior and what the consequences should be, however.

eksulli 04-20-12 07:50 AM

Re: My mother = frustration!
 
I think this is a great idea.

The problem, as you mentioned, is going to be getting my mother to take me seriously and actually follow our rules.

I understand that Grandma lets them have an extra candy or let's them pull a few more stunts, but allowing a little powder keg like Kiya to run completely off the wall is just not acceptable.
I will keep you posted.
Thanks :)

sarahsweets 04-20-12 11:24 AM

Re: My mother = frustration!
 
This is how I feel about grandparents...if they can't support MY decisions and choices on how to raise my child and whats best for them then its a deal breaker. They don't get to participate in their lives if they cant support the environment I'm trying to create. Its on THEM to choose what's more important ...being right or loving me enough to trust that I would never harm my child or make their lives more difficult. Frankly your mother should be hugging YOU more NOW. This is when you need that support and unconditional love. You are trying to set your child up with an arsenal of tools to fight an uphill battle. Everything, every option should be explored. I would give you a hug but I'm to far away. Hug your daughter, then hug her more. Then get her the treatment she deserves.

Ms. Mango 04-20-12 03:13 PM

Re: My mother = frustration!
 
OP, you are your mother's child, but you aren't a child anymore. You're an adult with a child of your own. It's time to think about how you want your adult relationship with your mother to be. And, if your child is going to be at her house, what boundaries do you want your mother to respect?

It would be nice if the people closest to us could be supportive in our decisions, but it isn't essential. It really isn't. You and your husband are the ultimate decision makers for your child, period.

You also need to think about the role you are playing in this. If your mother is the type of person who tries to insert herself into your marriage and thinks she gets a vote when it comes to raising your child, then you need to stop discussing things with her. You're just giving her ammunition. Kick her off the information train.

I sure hope the school did not give her any information. She has some nerve calling them. What did you do about that, OP? What was her consequence for such egregious, boundary-stomping behavior?

If ANYONE told me I was a bad parent, and insinuated they could do a better job raising my child, it would be a looooong time before they saw me--or my child--again. What did you do about that, OP? Just sent your daughter back over to her house? You've just taught your mother she can crap all over you (meaning you and your DH) and your parenting decisions and you'll just take it.

If I were you, I'd tell my mother my family (you know, your immediate family--you, DH & DD) was going to take a break from her so we could figure out what role, if any, she was going to play in our lives going forward. That should give you the breathing space to not only make good decisions for your DD, but think about how to change the dynamic between you and your mother and how to set boundaries for how she interacts with you and your child.

eksulli 04-21-12 01:55 PM

Re: My mother = frustration!
 
Ms. Mango you made so many valid points, most of which hurt me immensely but are all true none the less.

I agree that the relationship that my mother and I have (it's always been a major anxiety trigger for me, I have always been trying to earn her approval (and have not yet managed to do so.).) is unhealthy and NEEDS to be address, for both myself and my children.

"You've just taught your mother she can crap all over you (meaning you and your DH) and your parenting decisions and you'll just take it." <--This is something she has ALWAYS done, and I frankly, don't have the guts to change it. (That is part of my disease, disorder, whatever it may be)

It's going to be a battle within itself. We have spent 27 years building this dysfunction and our unhealthy reactions to each other.

One step at a time.

First I am going to come up with a list, as suggested above, and calmly explain that we are going to do this the right way, and HELP Kiya. Here are the rules, here are the punishments/rewards they can either follow it and help us help Kiya, or they can opt out of having their own time with her and only see her when we are their to "babysit".

eksulli 04-21-12 02:07 PM

Re: My mother = frustration!
 
ps. I should also say that yesterday she apologized for the overstep she took with the school.

She was a teacher at that school for MANY years (I had her in kindergarten and again in 10th grade ;) ) and she I think was more worried about them adversely labeling Kiya or pushing her into a corner because of the disease.

I should also mention that she cancelled her appointment to meet with the teacher (which I told her to go ahead and schedule if it would make her feel better, because no, she really doesn't accept what I say most of the time), because "I had the situation handled, and the teacher couldn't tell her anything she hadn't told me, and she couldn't help the school handle Kiya anymore than I could."

Jrzgrl 04-23-12 03:36 PM

Re: My mother = frustration!
 
I had a mother-in-law like that (emphasis on "had"). When my daughter was in kindergarten, the teacher came to me and told me that she thought my daughter could have ADD. To quote the teacher, "she's here physically, but her mind is in Disneyland".

I told my husband who told his mother. MIL came over that day and told me not to take her to a doctor, that there was nothing wrong with her except that she didn't have a lot of kids to play with growing up. She said this to me (along with other things I can't recall or choose not to). We ended up in a big fight. I told her that she ignored her own kids issues and look where that got them. I told her I wasn't sweeping my kids problems under the rug, that I was getting her help.

We didn't speak for 6 months. After some family (his side) brokering, we called a truce. She knew from that moment on that I was a force to be reckoned with. I would not allow her to rule me.

I am now happily divorced (long story) and away from that crazy woman and the rest of her crazy family. She hasn't seen my kids in more than eleven years now and likely never will. She did try her controlling measures during my divorce. It backfired on her BIG TIME!

Don't let anyone tell you how to raise your kids. I don't have a problem listening to others opinions (if asked), but make your own decisions. No one knows your kids like you do.


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