Through ADHD tinted glasses...
I've been wondering a lot about why I'm so keen on getting an ADHD diagnosis. I mean, I really, really hate to admit it, but I guess somewhere I want to be diagnosed with ADHD. But why? Why would anyone want to be saddled with a life long, incurable, highly inheritable disability (that most probably I will really struggle to get treatment for)??
One reason is that if it really is ADHD and I manage to get it recognized then the treatment might actually help me with my problems.
More than anything though I want to know what's wrong with me and why I act and think the way I do. ADHD is an explanation. A plausible explanation. More plausible than anything else.
When viewed through ADHD tinted glasses my life suddenly makes sense. If I look at my entire history, my character traits, my flaws, actions, likes and dislikes, attitudes, thinking, philosphies, from the perspective of ADHD, I can understand and explain them and that is reassuring.
I've always wondered why I thought and acted so differently to other people, what was wrong with me, what went wrong with me?? In particular, the lack of self control has been driving me insane not just because I struggle to control myself but also because I could never understand why I can't control myself.
One of my big fears has always been that I will gradually just become more and more insane till one day I will just completely lose my grip on reality. But "insanity" is a generic, non-clinical term that encompasses anything and everything. It's a scary term that says that anything is possible and there is no end to the insanity and depravity I might sink into. ADHD is different. It has a specific meaning, a specific cause and specific consequences. It's more contained. It isn't this dark and scary demon inside me anymore that is capable of anything and that I live with in constant fear of unleashing it some day.
And it's a clinical problem, not a moral/ethical one (though I've always wondered if not all moral decisions aren't really biological ones). Anyway, I can hate my ADHD traits and the flaws they cause in me but I don't have to hate myself. Identifying the source of (some) of my problems, depersonalises it and separates it from me. It doesn't solve the problem but it puts them into a clinical light rather than one of personal moral failing.
I'm not sure if this makes any sense. I guess what I'm trying to say is while I understand that having ADHD isn't really fun and can seriously **** up your life it does make a difference to me to understand and know why I **** up. I want there to be a reason. I hate this feeling of being in free fall and not being able to see the bottom of this abyss. I hate the loose connection between my thoughts and my actions. An ADHD diagnosis wouldn't fix me but at least it would give me an idea of what Im dealing with, what I can expect and who I really am.
Sorry, just rambling. Suffering from posting diarrhea again. :rolleyes:
Re: Through ADHD tinted glasses...
I understand. I'm different where my life wasn't really progressing at all until I was diagnosed so I could understand why I am the way I am and so I could begin to deal with my problems by mainly looking at what was actually happening in my brain to give me these symptoms. The same way was the only way I could successfully lose weight. I have this thing about the brain.
Knowing what the problem is is a great confidence booster and that really helps with your overall outlook on life. I used to be critical of people who were less impaired by their disorder, mainly AS, but I've learned that non-AS issues can still lead to stress, insecurity and developing anxiety and depression. I always hear people say what's wrong with just being a quirky person? But the thing is the same people will find fault with those people, especially if it is a neuro developmental disorder.
Anyway, I've seen your posts and I always thought you knew you had ADHD.
Before I was diagnosed ADHD I had no idea how impairing it really was. I never really compared myself to NT's which is what I've picked up on. The reading thing, the math thing, the focus any time they want, the not starving due to hyper focusing, the actual laziness, the eat as much junk food as they please without it having a negative affect on the body and brain - well you get it.
And once again I'm up passed my bed time.
Re: Through ADHD tinted glasses...
I don't think you need to hear anything from me. I'm not gonna judge you here. =]
|All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:26 PM.|
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2013, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
(c) 2003 - 2011 ADD Forums