I lost it today
My mother showed up at my house, with my son, crying her eyes out. My father just lost his job due to Parkinsons. I was horrified, upset, angry, but seeing my mother in pieces before my eyes had a hell of an effect on me. She's been this way as long as I can remember. I often look at her and say "damn, I react this way." Mean while, I've been busting my *** working at a grooming salon where the owner is super meticulous, seemingly criticizes every step and thing I do to the point where I want to run away from the job.
I can't do that. I've been through over 10 god damn jobs through my life. I've impulsively quit so many. I failed college 3 times. I never know what I want to do anymore and I'm just always jumping everywhere. Its like I can never be satisfied. I know I'm accomplishing things, but I just don't feel that way.
Back to what I said about my mother. I was so freaking angry at her. I was angry at her for not pursuing treatment for her terrible depression. The woman is a freaking counselor herself. I'm angry that I was sent into a tailspin. I worry about her, constantly. I know I shouldn't. I know I'm not responsible for her happiness. But what the hell is a daughter to do? My dad is degenerating. I can't...I can't bare the thought the day he really can't do things any more. I can't I can't I can't I cant. I'm so god damn overwhelmed. I'm so angry, so sad, filled with conflicting thoughts.
I gave up a job I really loved to do this grooming job. We are buried in debt. The bus company was a piece of junk anyway, but that bus was my retreat. Those kids where my medicine. They didn't care about the world, only about video games and they were all so kind and fun to be around and drive to school. I was so lucky to have them. But I had to give it up.
I'm on meds, seeing a therapist, seeing a psychiatrist.
I totally lost it. All these thoughts just added up.
I binged like crazy, 3 cokes, 2 packages of chicken, oreos, and I took a double sleeping pill to put my self out of my misery last night.
Then the self loathing sets in. You stupid, its YOUR fault you didn't make it through college, its YOUR FAULT that you struggle like this. OH sure make your husband and son suffer because you always slip and fall apart. AHEM what about them?!!!
I'm exhausted, ****** off, frustrated. I'm ready to throw in the towel but I can't. I can't take day off. I DON'T want to hear about my parents any more but that makes me feel like a piece of crap daughter. I'm so...confused right now and I can't relax.
What do I do? WTF do I DO?!!!!
Re: I lost it today
I think first off take a step back, look at this very clinically.
1. Mom, showing up with your child in an extreme emotional state.
a) This is hard on your child and she needs to hear this as hard as it is going to be to hear.
b) Your mom is a councellor and is suffering depression, quite possibly co-morbid with ADHD as this sort of emotional dysregulation points that way.
c) Your mother's response and blindsiding you with her emotional meltdown is affecting your health and your family.
You need to confront your mother about her behaviour. It is not that I don't have great compassion for her, she's not well, her life security has been put in jeopardy and she's clearly suffering. She does need to know that she needs help in the strongest way possible. Her self neglect is affecting not only her and your father, but it's spilling over and affecting you, your son etc.. Letting her know that you're upset with her inaction is not being unkind, sometimes people expect sympathy but they need a kick in the pants. It's much kinder to give what's needed than to give a quick feel good that is superfluous to getting much needed help. That's being a good daughter, and being a good mother means protecting your child from huge emotional meltdowns that spin off to a mom who can't function.
Your job, sorry, I know how it feels to go thru a lot of jobs, I can raise my hand here and say I've had an extreme amount of different jobs. Your boss is creating an extremely adhd unfriendly environment and in spite of how you feel about a job change you NEED to start looking for other employment. People with adhd who are in a job with high stress and a critical boss lose functioning. This is a matter of your continued good health. Don't allow your ego to run the show here, a cold appraisal of this situation points to your needing to leave this job asap. (Without compromising your livlihood so you need another job to go to) You have experience with dog grooming it's possible you can find another place with less stress.
I hope this helped.
Re: I lost it today
When it comes to depression you've got to be very delicate. I've almost lost friends for wanting to help them overcome depression. It's a chemical imbalance so your mother is not going to be clear thinking or even thinking of others. That the type of blame you are giving her could be the same type of blame someone gives you for your symptoms of ADHD.
You can try to be hard on her but that won't get you results.
I'm sorry you have to go through this but don't blame her because she's going through something she can't control. I'm currently going through PMDD which gives symptoms of depression from moodiness to suicidal ideation. I'm sure people would like to blame me for my behaviour and actions but I can't control this. I don't even want it. Naturally. It's a constant battle trying to control this every few weeks so I don't end up killing myself or saying something people will judge me for. Therapy isn't going to help. Meds will help but I'll have to be on them for life.
Re: I lost it today
No I don't want to be hard on her. I don't want to blame her. I won't come at her or anything. I CAN'T do these things because I'm afraid I'll send her clean over the edge. I just want to feel better myself and get a grip. I just feel like I'm out of control and overwhelmed. I know she can't control it and I know people blame me for the same things, I'm just like, AHHHHHH at the moment and letting it all out. I don't know where else to do it.
Re: I lost it today
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