the eternal optimist... Enough for today
it's ridiculous trying to do in half an hour what i had weeks to do it in. It's even more ridiculous to try. I just hope my manager won't ask to see what I've done so far. Which is nothing.
I don't understand this eternal optimism that somehow time Will stand still for me when i really need it to. It's never done that. Why can't i get that into my head. Why do i believe that now at nine pm I'll actually manage to finish my work especially considering that i still haven't started? I have to go to bed early so that i can get up at an ungodly hour for a long drive. No point risking falling asleep at the wheel so it's back to making excuses. Back to the same old anxiety of what Will happen when people realise that I'm a fraud. That I'm not as good as i sound. All I've got is ideas but what's the point if you can't implement them. The best idea is worthless if it's not followed up with some solid focussed work
. I'm so tired of this. When Will i ever learn? When Will i stop falsely trusting myself? Where does this misplaced confidence come from? Confidence in me and in time.Probably never but i still keep hoping, still keep telling myself that the next time, tomorrow, I'll do better and I'll finish my work. But tomorrow never comes. Not in my world. My world consists of an endless chain of unfulfilled possibilities waiting for me in the future. But that the future consists of the present of the past Will never go into my stupid head.
Re: the eternal optimist... Enough for today
A few things come to mind.
1 - It looks like not getting stuff done is screwing with your job, your marriage, and making you unhappy and depressed.
2 - The "I don't give a ****" attitude that SSRIs and SNRIs induce might contribute to not getting stuff done (I've read of people doing things like not cleaning up the cat poop that's all over the basement, and buying expensive sports cars, and not being concerned about their son's diagnosis of testicular cancer when on SSRIs or SNRIs (and LOTS of other crazy things) - things that they would not have done off the drug, and that they attributed to being because of the altered mind-state the drugs induced). If there happens to be anything in your past that's making you depressed, is there anything non drug-related that could be done to help, like any kind of talk therapy or coming to terms with it or something, that could help, and that could maybe allow your to use a lower dose (or none at all) of an SSRI or SNRI or whatever, since they give a blanket effect mind-state that while helping with some things like easing frustration and worry through the "don't give a ****" attitude (and possibly helping in other ways), but can also screw other things up, like indirectly CAUSING the problem that they're being used to treat, if they cause you to not get stuff done, or not do as good a job.
3 - Somehow you need to at least get to try a stimulant.
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