Where do I start fixing myself??
 

There is just too much wrong with me.

There's the depression, which seems to be the driving force of everything else. The anti depressants aren't helping. If anything they are making me more suicidal (not that I'll ever do that but I'm tired of thinking about it all the time). What's next? TCA, ECT? I dread going down that road. I know, I need to start exercising again. I know, it helps me. But I just can't. Well, I guess, I can but I won't.

There's the OCD, though that's the least of my problems now and the anti depressants seemed to have helped with that at least a little bit. It just adds to make me feel so uncomfortable, so unpleasant all the time.

There's the eating disorder, which I'm not even trying to fight at this stage. I've started binge eating and purging again almost every day. I don't understand it. I don't get hungry and I dread eating but I still force myself to gobble down tons of food just to throw it up again.

There's the picking. It's out of control again. My skin looks like a battle field. It actually hurts. I don't understand why I disfigure myself. I can't even bear to look into a mirrow without any make-up on.

And then, there is of course, the ADHD like symptoms, whatever is causing them. They are just getting worse and there is no help in sight.

I've come to the conclusion that the only person who can help me is me. There is still so much I can try. But I'm not able to do anything. I feel paralysed. I don't just let other people down, I let myself down too. If I am the only person that can help me then I'm screwed. I'm not even capable of taking Omega-3 supplements regularly. I know, I should eat more proteins but the only thing I'm capable of retaining these days is fruits.

I'm so ashamed of whining all the time. That's just another thing I can't stop. I don't even have any real problems. It's just that I feel so out of control. I'm tired of battling myself every waking minute of the day. I'm screaming, threatening, begging and pleading with myself but I won't listen. The connection between reason and action has gone dead. There seem to be a lot of connections in my brain that have died.

I'm just vegetating. Living from one day to the next and destroying everything that I was lucky enough to have been given. Strangely, I'm actually becoming more dysfunctional by the day. I wonder when this is going to end. I guess, never, unless I do something about it. I wish I could stop thinking, stop feeling. My thoughts hurt. I wish my brain would just shut up and let me be. All I want is a little bit of peace.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

Fuzzy, I've never experienced anything close to the horrible-ness that you're going through right now. And I really can't give you any advice, which I think would help. The one thing that I can do is send you lots of virtual e-hugs.

*hugs tightly*

Keep your chin up and just take one day at a time.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

When I first read what you're going through, I couldn't think of what to say, I've never experienced anything like that.

Are you getting therapy? I've heard good thinks about cognitive behavioral therapy.

Side note: I have been in a depressed mood before, but often it's because I had some flawed thinking...
but the ADHD often makes it easy to fall back into the habit of thinking wrong.

Were you diagnosed with ADHD? If you have it, treatment for that might help because co-morbities with ADHD are common.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

Fuzz, i think you need to start to work an the depression and ocd, they intertwine so closely (from my own experience) when one is bad the other is just as bad...have you tried fluoxetine at 60mg (thats the dose i was receiving) it was great for the anxiety and the ocd/ed...what therapies have they suggested for the OCD?....once you get it all in line things will start to feel more settled and brighter for you

its so tough for you because youve got all this stuff running at the same time and it seems like you never get a break :( its hard to see the light when everything like this is closing in on you and i seriously empathise for you, you've also got the bloody nhs waiting lists etc to contend with which is a nightmare :(

Had you given anymore thought to seeing another adhd specialist privately...they might be able to do an all in one treatment ? ocd is so common with ADHD, i know ive battled with it (i had a huge germ and vomit phobia that dominated my very being, compulsive handwashing checking etcing certain foods not eating, i had a tapping thing as well which was horrible ) then it turned into the anorexia monster :(

adhd specialist will probably have a greater understanding of it all and its comorbidities...
xxxx

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

I can relate, but it seems that my antidepressants (zoloft 100mg) have finally started to make a difference. You may want to consider a different dose and/or medication and see where that leaves you. Don't be too hard on yourself, it takes time for our bodies to start adjusting to medication changes.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

Thanks so much for the inputs everyone!!

Thanks fidget. I can always do with hugs. I make hubby hug me overtime. Thankfully, he isn't miserly with his affection. Lots of hugs to you too!! :grouphug:

No, I've been told by two separate psychiatrists that I don't have ADHD but just severe depression. I've had two sessions of CBT but then the therapist dismissed me for failing to schedule appointments regularly. Currently, I'm on the waiting list for psychotherapy.

I've tried sertraline, which is an SSRI like fluoxetine. It did help hugely with OCD (at least the over checking part, not the fear of dirt) and anxiety. It's strange because I've got so much important and urgent work to do that I'm really struggling to finish. I know, I'm stressed but I don't feel acute anxiety, which is good. I hate anxiety. But it might have helped me to focus a bit.

I don't know Flo, if I should try another psychiatrist. After the second one (who is supposed to be somewhat of a specialist on ADHD) I thought I'll just accept their diagnosis (or lack of it) and let it go. Both of them thought that my CV looks too good and that I obviously can focus when I really want to (like during our sessions, well obviously, considering we were talking about me and my brain!!)

I'm trying to convince myself that at least I should believe the second pdoc. He said that right now, I do seem to present all symptoms of ADHD but that he can't establish their presence (or enough impairment) in my childhood. He also said that I don't seem very impulsive or hyper active. On the contrary, he thought my incapability to make decisions, makes ADHD unlikely. He too thinks that I just suffer from severe depression.

I told him I had symptoms even before the depression kicked in to which he replied that it could be just my personality. Err..what?? Can you have an ADHD like personality? What is that??? :confused:

Sigh, how I wish there was a blood test or scan that would determine once and for all if I have ADHD or not. For now, I've agreed to just treat the depression aggressively.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

I used to take zoloft. Started with 50mg, which initially seemed to make a huge difference but not for long. Went gradually up to 200mg. When that didn't help and I just became more and more apathetic my GP put me on Venlafaxine (effexor). I've been taking that for almost 6 weeks now (300mg) but it doesn't make any difference. The psychiatrist suggested adding a second med like mirtazapine but my GP refused to do that since it's not in the NHS guidelines.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

Fuzzy, no matter what your doctors think, you definitely have ADHD. This isn't a question of whether or not you have it, it's a question of whether or not you'll ever find a doctor smart enough to diagnose you correctly.

Go ahead and adopt an ADHD identity. I've found it really helpful to put a label on what's wrong with me, and knowing that I have ADHD makes it easier for me to assess what needs to be done to improve my life. Yes, I do have a diagnosis, but that's only because I live in the US. You are so much like me- I'm sure I would have had to go through multiple docs in the UK as well.

In the end, the diagnosis really doesn't matter, you have ADHD, and you can learn to treat it yourself. So you can't get meds right now. So what? There are a lot of people on this forum who for whatever reason can't use meds. They don't throw their hands up and stop trying to treat the ADHD, instead they do everything they can without the meds. Meds of course do make it easier, but a lot of times they aren't an option.

So do what you need to do. Read all the ADHD books. Look for an ADHD coach. Try every supplement you can- no, they won't treat your ADHD, but they might give you little bit more focus and clarity, and that's a start.

Please try mindfulness meditation practice. It was life changing for me, I'm not joking.
This book is a great place to start "The Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD: An 8-Step Program for Strengthening Attention, Managing Emotions, and Achieving Your Goals".
And you need to get aggressive with your doctors. Their bs is killing you. They can make your depression better, but they will never be able to "fix" you with an SSRI alone

Also know that if you did find a doc who would diagnose you, putting you on stimulants right now would be a horrible idea. Stimulants can and will make depression worse, because they give you the ability to focus. If you have negative thoughts, you will just go and go with them.

If I were you, I'd do everything I could to slowly get off the SSRI's, as long as you aren't able to take them along with an ADHD med. Assuming you have ADHD they are messing with your brain chemistry and making your ADHD worse. Sure, they'll work on the depression, but not in a lasting way, unless you're also treating the ADHD. You need to face your depression from within. It's more than a chemical problem, it's a cognitive one.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

Have you tried wellbutrin yet?

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

No. I've asked my GP about it. She looked it up and said in the UK it's exclusively used as a smoking cessation aid so she can't prescribe it for depression. Maybe it's time to get some help with quitting smoking. :D

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

ABSOLUTE BULL. The inability to make decisions is a symptom of ADHD! You are unable to properly take in information, and focus on what's relevant, so you get overwhelmed and go back and forth from thing to thing, impulsively choosing one, then impulsively changing your mind again.

It takes me five years to make up my mind about anything when I'm not on meds. On meds, I make a decision in 2 seconds, commit to it, and don't worry if I made the wrong choice for the rest of the day.

Your doctors are idiots! I want to throttle them!

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

That is an excellent idea! Although the smoking is helping your ADHD. Get the wellbutrin, then also start using nicotine patches to improve your focus.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

its sneaky and i love it girls !! :D

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

Fuzzy, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time right now. It sounds like you have a LOT of various issues going on that are colluding together to make your life a mental health s&$%-storm. One of the things you said is, "I don't even have any real problems." Please don't say that. You DO have real problems. Depression, OCD, an eating disorder, those are all very real problems with very real consequences in your life. Don't dismiss your own suffering. You have real problems.

How many different kinds of antidepressants have you tried? Just because one doesn't work, doesn't mean they all won't work. You usually have to try 2-3 different drugs within the same class of antidepressants before you can even say definitively that this particular class of drugs doesn't help you. Just because sertraline doesn't work doesn't mean that other SSRIs won't help. And even if an SSRI doesn't help, an SNRI might help. There are also tricyclic antidepressants, older drugs that work differently. There are also "atypical antidepressants", the ones that don't fit into the SSRI/SNRI or tricyclic classes, like Remeron and Wellbutrin.

And for some people with treatment refractory depression, there are drugs like Lamictal, a mood stabilizer with strong antidepressant qualities, or even Abilify, a mild antipsychotic that is often helpful when paired with an antidepressant for severe depression. You are so, so far away from being out of options medication-wise, I cannot even express it to you enough. I had to go through 8 drugs before I found the one that works for me, but I did finally find it. It just took a lot of time and a lot of trial and error. Do not give up hope just because one drug doesn't work for you at the dose you're on.

I feel really strongly that you need to see a good therapist who specializes in CBT. I know you said you did it once before, but were dismissed because you failed to make regular appointments. This is one of those moments where your will to live HAS to override your apathy towards treatment. That can sound like "tough love" when you are so profoundly depressed that you can barely get out of bed, much less make and keep regularly scheduled appointments... but you have to do it. You simply have to. Your quality of life, maybe even your life itself, rides on it.

CBT has been proven to be enormously helpful for both depression and anxiety disorders like OCD. It can also help you restructure the negative thoughts that help contribute to your eating disorder. While issues like depression, OCD, and eating disorders all have biological roots (and can be very strongly determined by biology), they also have cognitive and behavioral aspects to them. No person lives in a vacuum, so to speak, untouched by the influence of their thoughts and behaviors. You may have started out with a biological illness, a predisposition for these disorders, but they are also disorders of thought and behavior as well.

When you engage in CBT on a weekly basis for an extended period of time (anywhere from 6-12 weeks or longer, depending) you teach yourself how to "undo" those negative cognitive and behavioral patterns. Cognitive means the way you think, the mental schemas you have set up in your mind about the way the world works and the way you exist in the world. These include automatic negative thoughts, the kinds of thoughts you have almost reflexively, without even thinking about it. Thoughts like, "This is never going to get better" or "I'm a terrible person because I can't fix this by myself" etc. CBT teaches you how to identify negative thoughts, rationally address them, and replace them with new, more adaptive, more realistic thoughts.

The behavioral aspect of therapy is addressing the behaviors you engage in that contribute to your illness. You said that you are becoming more dysfunctional by the day, and a lot of that is behavioral. Not that you are intentionally doing it, but behaviors become ingrained and one maladaptive behavior leads to another. When you learn how to break the behavioral cycle, and insert new, more positive behaviors, you really do change your own life experience.

I went through 2 years of CBT to address a variety of concerns - the severe depressive episodes of bipolar disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, and PTSD. It changed my life. I cannot overstate how much my life is better because of CBT. Yes, I am on medication, but the medication alone did not make the kind of difference I needed to see in my life. It was only once I applied myself 100% to therapy, and taking my meds regularly, that I truly saw a big, positive difference in my life.

Bottom line: You do not have to live like this. You don't. The way you're living now, that is not the way you are doomed to live forever. I know it can feel that way, but that's not true. You can get better. You can make huge improvements to your life. I can't guarantee that you will ever feel 100% better, or that you won't relapse and have worsening of your symptoms even after months or years of successful treatment. But you don't have to live like this, the way you feel in this moment, forever.

You aren't damned to live this way. You aren't being punished. You can get better, it is absolutely possible. But you have to commit yourself to that, you have to make getting better your singular life mission right now. You have to put in every single iota of energy you have, into getting better. Once again, I am going to say something that sounds like tough love: you have to stop acknowledging that you are not doing things that will help you get better, and accept that. I heard you say at least twice that there were things you knew you should be doing that would help you, but you aren't doing them. I absolutely understand how difficult it is to motivate yourself when you are struggling so much... but it's not impossible. It's not. And you have, have, HAVE to make yourself do certain things, no matter how painful and unpleasant it is, because you have to get better.

Imagine that your arm is trapped under a boulder in the middle of nowhere, a desolate wasteland where you and only you are stranded. You're going to die if you stay trapped under that rock. Or you could tie a tourniquet around your arm, grab the closest sharp object, and cut your own arm off. It's going to hurt like hell, it's going to be one of the hardest things you've ever done, but if you can make yourself do it, you will live. You will get out from under that rock, and you will heal, and you will be able to live a mostly normal life. But you have to do the hard work, the painful work, the excruciating work, to get there.

Re: Where do I start fixing myself??
 

Right. You have to embrace this thought. Love it, nurture it, make it grow. You have the power to change these behaviors on your own Fuzzy, but first you have to believe that you can. Treat yourself like you deserve to get better.

You have to get the diet and exercise under control, your only working against yourself until you do. Just take the first step. Don't think "I have to go exercise for an hour" instead say "I just have to get out of the front door" Then do it. Step by step. Just get yourself out of the house. Start simple, go for a walk. But don't think about going for a walk. Just get yourself to put on your walking shoes and go outside of the house.

Do it right now. Off the computer. I'll do it with you if you want.