Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

A few months ago I moved in with one of my best friends, who also has ADHD. I did not realize how bad her ADHD was, though, until we started living together.

I feel like a terrible hypocrite by saying so, but I hate living with her ADHD. She has primarily inattentive ADHD, whereas I have combined type, so our ADHD symptoms tend to present in very different ways. My sister had ADHD-PI, so I grew up with an inattentive ADHDer, but it never bothered me the way my roommate's ADHD does. Maybe it was just because she was my sister, or maybe it's because we were kids/teenagers so I wasn't bothered by things like her constant messiness and being late all the time.

But now, as an adult, living with someone with ADHD-PI feels like God testing my patience. I don't mean that to be insulting to anyone with ADHD-PI, I don't doubt that for an inattentive ADHDer living with me would be a nightmare too. I leave half-finished projects lying on the table because I start something, get up to start something else, and forget what I was doing. My roommate simply doesn't start.

I think the biggest problem is that my roommate is untreated. She doesn't take her medication regularly, and neither does she make any effort to modify her behavior to curb her ADHD symptoms. It doesn't bother her, so she doesn't do anything to change it. She knows she is more productive and better focused when she takes her Adderall, but she just doesn't do it, and for the life of me I can't understand why.

For example, when she's unmedicated she lays in bed or on the couch most of the day. She might move all of 10 feet. She's a sloth. I know her brain isn't sloth-like, it's going everywhere and nowhere all at once (I did grow up with an ADHD-PI, remember) but because she isn't treating the problem, she just ends up lying around all day until school/work and doesn't get anything done. Then she realizes what time it is (because she's been doing nothing all day and lost track of time), stresses because she's running late, leaves a trail of disaster behind her while she's getting ready (picking things up and setting them down in random places), and is 20 minutes late out the door. She comes home, and the whole pattern starts over again.

When she's medicated, I wake up and find her organizing the tupperware cabinet. She's fastidious, organized, and on time. She does her share of the housework, which makes me happy, and aces her exams because she actually gets her homework and studying done, which makes her happy.

Can anyone help me understand why she refuses to take her medication when she does SO much better while on it? I asked her once if it gave her any side effects and she said no, just a pleasant, clear, "buzzing" sort of feeling. If it's not side effects, why would she refuse to take something that is so helpful to her? I'm kind of a neat freak so when she doesn't pull her weight around the house, it grates on my nerves more than anything. I'm trying to be nice about it, but when she has the solution in her hand (literally) and won't take it, it gets very frustrating for me.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

Not sure what to say, but for me I actually have the excuse of side effects, but even so, I take them regularly every other day (although I've been trying out different ones which I later learned had worse side effects, so I had to take a longer break from meds when that happened).

What does your roomate do all day when not on meds?
I know when I'm not on meds, I'm wasting time on the computer doing nothing really very productive.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

You guys are friends, right? Can't you just sit her down over coffee or ice cream or dinner or something and be like "Look, you and I are friends, and I say this because I care about you- you have GOT to take your meds, you are making it harder on ME on your unmedicated days, and we both know neither of us needs anything to be harder."

Course, if it was my friend, I'd just hand her the pill and a glass of water daily :D

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

My husband is like this... Just as you've described your friend, with the exception that he is not studying. He functions much better on his meds, claims he has no side effects and YET doesn't take them.

We've talked about it several times and usually that results in him agreeing with me... and a short period of medication... maybe just that day or two, then he's back to his original 'setting'.

He really has very little self awareness, and doesn't possess my 'H' drive... So he seems to forget what worked and just return to default. He is a caring guy and honestly wants to help so it IS frustrating.

I'm not sure if you've discussed this topic with your friend but just be aware it may not change anything.
(hugs)

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

My brother has ADHD-PI and he drives me up a wall. He refuses any sort of help so there is no medication and no behavioral therapy, no charts, etc. He's 12. (He also has ODD but that's another story). He goes to school, gets terrible grades, gets in trouble for not paying attention, and then comes home and watches TV for what seems like forever. He doesn't move. If he does it's to go get food or something.

My parents have tried working with him over the years, but he gets mad when they try to help. He mouths off to anyone and refuses to believe that he is doing the work incorrectly. Even when I try to help him it's the same way. I just had an argument with him because he wrote in his notes that 12 centimeters is longer than a meter. I told him no, a meter is longer than 12 centimeters. I work with the metric system every day, and he refused to accept that fact that he was wrong! I'm only trying to help!!

And coming from a kid who did the same thing....when he says "yeah my homework is done and I understood it" I know for a fact he is lying. If this was the case, his grades would be a lot higher!

The difference between him and I, is that I had really smart friends who helped me understand things better. And I did the homework, but a lot of times I lost it so it never ended up getting turned in. He just doesn't seem to care at all. He writes down what he has to do...and doesn't do it or doesn't do it correctly.

Recently he has lost all computer/phone/video game privileges because of how he's been acting lately and how much trouble he just got into with the school. (I won't go there because it's really a terrible thing) So what I'm hoping is that he will spend less time on electronics and more time with the work. But I can't help to think that these problems maybe won't go away. It stresses me out and he's not even my kid!!!

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

My husband is ADHD and more hyper than I ever thought about being even when I was younger and actually hyperactive. I take medication and do my best to function.

I have tried to get him to seek help but he insist upon living in denial - He looks to me to organized stuff and keep us on task yet I am the "ADDer' you'd think this would be a glaring clue but Gary is living prof people see what they want to see and ignore what they don;t.


Being ADHD does not making living with some one else's any better - All the understanding in the world does not wash the dishes!

You can't make your friend change any more than I can make my husband change - It is a take them as they are of leave them scenarios but there modifications you can implement to help yourself.

First and foremost is getting out from under responsibilities that should be theirs -Gary used to leave crap all over the house - One time he had half a tractor in the living room which i did not mind as long as I didn't trip over the parts - When the tractor parts out grew the love seat they lived on and started impeding my ability to move about I asked him one time nicely to please move them I told him a second time if he did not move them within the next week I would . I reminded him a day or so before the week was up and when he still refused to move them I did. Some ended up on the roof others ended up under the house still others ended up under his pillow in his cookie jar and in his underwear drawer, inside his boots the larger ones that were to heavy for me to pitch on the roof or slide under the house were sluing out the back door tractor part than ended up in my way went where ever the hell I felt like sling them - There are some of those tractor parts that have never been found!

Don't pick up after her -if she leaves her stuff in a way that forces you to clean up have fun with it. Dirty dishes under the covers works wounder as a reminder of whose turn it is to wash the dishes. Purse in the frig, books in the dryer unless you are adventuresome then put them under the dryer - In other words arrange life in a manner where she is forced to deal with her own messes in a way that is NOT inconvenient for you!

Expect her to hold up her end of the chores - period It does not matter if she need meds or not after-all she is an adult and it is her choice to medicate o not but regardless expect her to do her share of the work. How she does it is up to her and don;t let her guilt you into relenting - That is how I live with my ADHD husband - he deals with his crap because leaving it for me to deal with will only be fun for me! It took me a time or two and yeah he got mad pitched a fit but it worked. When I get to the ultimatum part he moves it because he does not want to loose it -

Hold her to her part - you are her room mate not her parent not her maid!

Any way this is how I deal with Gary's ADHD :D

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

I think you need to sit down and have a serious chat with her. At the end of the day it´s her choice as to whether she wants to take meds. You have to accept her how she is.

If there are things she does that you really can´t tolerate, tell her how you feel about them but if she doesn´t/can´t change then maybe you can´t live together.

Living with a flatmate is give and take and some combinations of personalities are easier than others. Although some people make fantastic friends, this doesn´t mean you can live with them. I would rather preserve a friendship.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

I personally find ADHD-PI people can be split into 2 subcategories: the content and the discontent. Maybe she's fine with who she is and she doesn't feel like she needs to be medicated all the time just so she can be productive. She may very well be a sloth and is okay with that. Whereas I hate my disorder and am doing everything in my power to change it, as many of us are, she probably isn't as bothered by it. If she were, she'd be taking her meds regularly I'd imagine.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

I perhaps maybe she doesn't like how different she is on medication. Or maybe she is just that forgetful. Maybe she isn't getting enough sleep or having disturbed sleep.

She might not know enough about her self to properly treat herself.

Recently my niece was fine with not cleaning up after herself, yet with an OCD/BP mother it was something constantly pointed (or screamed) out to her.

How old is she? Even if she isn't young (early adult) she might just be happy the way she is. After I started medication I got irritated with my mum's sloppiness, how she would sleep in half the day and the only proactive thing she would do was socialise. However, I think there are some depression issues there. Or maybe she just isn't aware that she can change this behaviour.

Sloth is a very insulting thing to call a person with ADHD. Try to understand her. She is low on energy, disorganised and lacking direction. People with ADHD-C at least have the energy and it may help to motivate us, or at least notice when our symptoms are getting out of control and redirecting that focus. For some of us at least.

It's probably a lot of effort to do cleaning without her medication. And sometimes she forgets. I've known people who forget to take their medication a lot. Early in my treatment my hyper focus and sleeping in was still difficult to manage that I would forget to take my dose. I needed to write it down in a to-do list which I now use everyday.
In the mornings when I wake up I still feel overwhelmed by the whole day ahead of me.

If someone said I was lazy or sloppy or not trying hard enough during the time when I didn't know how to be more organised, I'd be pretty upset.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

Thanks to everyone for your responses. There are some good insights here and I appreciate it a lot!

meadd, you had me rolling around laughing at some of those stories and suggestions! I love it. My roommate is actually pretty good about not leaving things everywhere, she knows that bothers me so she throws most of her stuff into her bedroom. Her room is an unholy disaster, but it's her bedroom and I could not care less how her bedroom looks so long as the door is shut and I don't have to look at it. Sometimes I go through the house and find an armful of her things, I just throw them all on her bed so that she can deal with them when she gets home.

I have talked to her about keeping up her end of the chores, and our talks always go the same way: "I know, I know, I'm sorry. I'm going to do [insert chore here] first thing tomorrow!" I'm starting to think that 'tomorrow' is actually a code name for some distant, far-away date that I am as of yet unaware of, because it seems like tomorrow never comes. Yesterday I had to finish the laundry she left in the washer because I needed to do mine and she wasn't home. Now of course I didn't fold it, I just threw it all in a basket and put it in her room, but it still irks me when I have to finish other people's chores in order to do my own.

The biggest problem we're having is that she doesn't do maintenance things like sweep, dust, clean off counters, etc. I can't very well sweep all of the dirt into her bedroom or throw all the dirty dust rags in there, that would just be ugly of me. But I have tried letting it go a few days to see if she would take the initiative to clean... and she doesn't. It's like she doesn't even see it. I'm starting to wonder if maybe she doesn't see it at all.

She does things when I ask her (like yesterday, I asked her to please clean out her cat's litter box, and she got up and did within the hour) but I hate asking her. I'm not her mom, I don't feel right following a grown woman around asking her to do chores. It makes me uncomfortable, and I am sure she does not like me asking her to clean up. But if she won't take the initiative to do her part, I don't really know what else to do.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

Tomorrow!
You're always a day away
Ah, Shirley Temple. Perhaps she just doesn't remember to take it and by the time she realizes she hasn't, she thinks it's too late for it? I know I've done that quite a few times. Also, I've noticed that I probably have a VERY different perception of myself than other people do of me. So she may honestly not realize how different she is on medication as she is off of it. I know I ended up asking friends and my mom to tell me if the difference was perceivable from when I was medicated to when I wasn't.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

I totally understand where you're coming from, my dad and I have opposing ADHD symptoms and we drive each other nuts. I'm PI while he's H. I frustrate him because he thinks I'm lazy and unmotivated, he frustrates me because he always has to be doing something or nagging me, and he doesn't know how to relax.

As much as we can be polar opposites, we're also similar in many ways. He sympathizes with my struggle with homework, because he was the same way as a kid. At my first FEP meeting (where I explain my ADHD to my teachers), I talked about the scattered way I work, skipping from one subject to the next, trying to make sure I finish what I start but often ending up with incomplete work. My dad told me that after that meeting he realized that he works in exactly the same way.

I have no advice that could possibly trump meadd's, so I guess what I'm saying is when you really get frustrated it's nice to know that there are things you have in common.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

I don't think it's so much about PI vs. C, I have way more combined symptoms than my partner, but I am definitely the messier one. I'm terrible when it comes to cleaning or doing anything I'm "supposed" to be doing.

Oddly, when I NEED to organize, I can make things perfect. She tends to keep things more orderly in general, but she's actually pretty bad with organization. I think my perfectionism holds me back in this regard. I frequently don't do things, because whatever I do has to be "perfect".

I don't like taking meds because they make me feel uneven. I also don't like feeling "different", I've always been pretty happy with my life, even though my life kinda sucks. Meds make me an adult, I don't like it.

I respond well to being told nicely what to do. I kinda like it, it helps me prioritize. External motivation is good for me, and if someone tells me what to do in a nice polite manner I'm usually happy to do it for them. Or you can try Meadd's route, sometimes I respond to threats as well.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

Ana, part of me honestly wants to ask her, "Would you be okay with me nicely asking you to do chores throughout the week to remind you to do them?" I wouldn't mind asking her, because if she needs that kind of reminder to keep her productive, then I can meet her at that need and provide those polite reminders. But I don't want to ask her to do chores and have her resent me for it, you know? Like, I don't want her to feel like, "She's always up my **** about asking me to clean house." Maybe I should sit down with her and ask her how she feels about that.

I'm starting to wonder if Kasi might have hit something on the head when she said that she doesn't perceive that big of a difference on and off medication. Maybe my roommate just doesn't realize how much easier she is to live with when she's on her meds regularly. One of the things I always hear her saying is, "I'm going to do that when I have time, I just haven't had the time, I've been so busy." The thing is, that's not true, she's not all that busy. She has a ton of free time that she spends lying in bed or on the couch, playing around on the computer or reading a book. If I timed her, I'm sure she spends at least 2-3 hours a day just lying around doing NOTHING, time she could spend doing her share of the housework, or catching up on schoolwork, etc. And yet she genuinely feels that she's "always busy." I want to ask her, "Busy doing what, exactly?"

I guess it's time to sit down and have a come-to-Jesus talk about her medication and chores around the house. I'm hesitant to do so because I am a very direct, to-the-point person, and my roommate hates conflict and avoids it at all costs. I'm not planning on having a conflict about it by any means, but in the past I had a roommate who misinterpreted any direct request or discussion about responsibilities as conflict, and it hurt our friendship because she refused to talk about important household issues. (Strangely enough, she was ALSO unmedicated for her ADHD-PI. How is it that I always seem to be surrounded by PI ADHDers?)

We are sort of like ships passing in the night, but I think we might be home at the same time tomorrow. Maybe I'll try to sit down and talk to her about it then. I just don't want it to turn into an argument about her contributions/lack thereof.

Re: Living with another ADHDer: or, the Lord is testing me.
 

I think this is a really good idea. let her know that you understand why it's difficult for her to do these things, ask her what you can do to help. I know with myself, how people say something is far more important than what they're saying.

I don't know if I'd get into the meds, at least this time. You could mention it, but I wouldn't make it the focus. Meds are so personal. I have all kinds of weird issues around them, I resent having to take something to make me "tolerable" to other people. That's my issue though, you'll have to feel her out on that.