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Exhausted.
So recently I began working full time again after a long period of time where I couldn't find full time work, and the old, crabby, exhausted, depressed, anxious person that I remember being is coming back. I think that I am so overstimulated throughout the day by doing things that normal people can do with ease day after day after day, that it mentally and physically exhausts me. This is depressing to me b/c I wonder how I am ever going to lead a normal life. For example, how will I ever have a successful relationship if I'm always exhausted and therefore wanting time to myself. How will I ever have children? The thought of children scares me b/c I fear I will just drown if I don't ever get a moment to myself and I know that's what being a parent involves. How will I be successful at work and therefore make enough money to support myself?
My day pretty much goes like this everday: drive to work (sit in bumper to bumper traffic for 45 minutes and get road rage), work all day listening to dumb people complain to me, drive home (sit in bumper to bumper traffic for 45 minutes and get road rage). My night usually consists of softball (I play three nights a week; one team I manage), spending time with my new boyfriend who wants all of my free time (not sure this will last), or trying to relax at home whilst living with the most annoying, loud, and obnoxious person I've ever come into contact with. As you can see, I am pretty stressed out. Driving home from work today, I just felt seriously disconnected to the point where I was too disconnected to cry from being upset...just stared at the road while my eyeballs burned b/c no amount of sleep is ever enough. And when I feel this way all I want to do is withdraw from everything and everyone and crawl into a cave. I will probably sit in a room by myself for the rest of the night b/c it will take me that long to decompress. How do people do it? I feel like I am complaining about things that normal people can handle, but for me, it's too much on my plate and then I turn into a mega b-word. Any suggestions on how to lead even a somewhat normal life? I'm afraid I will never know how. |
Re: Exhausted.
I couldn't do it, not the life you're describing.
Yes, my job is frankly beneath my capabilities in a lot of ways, and so is boring to me. But it's become a survival reality for me to generally find work with lower expectations and then shine and have people leave me alone, more or less. But this means, too, that most jobs I have are on the boring side. But when I come home, I need, read that in capital letters NEED centering time. I read, I play video games, I center for an hour or two before my wife comes home and needs to share her day with a lot of description. When it happens that she and I come home more or less the same time, I insist on some quiet time before I can hear the rat-a-tat-tat staccato description of her day. It's not that I don't want to here it, it''s that I can't. I was once with a woman who wouldn't hear of this. This was before I knew or even suspected I had ADHD. My desire for any time alone was almost always re-framed by this person as "wanting to be away from her," etc. So, for long time, when I needed time alone, I went to the store, or sat on the toilet with a book. Sometimes I just dawdled after grocery shopping. You sound like you're heading for burn-out-ville if you don't start quieting your brain. If you were blind, walking with a cane, you would be endangering yourself if you ran through busy downtown streets. For me, I endanger myself when I don't acknowledge I have a certain pace I must keep because, one way or another, I will have quiet time. Even if that quiet time is unemployment again. |
Re: Exhausted.
i felt like i was heading for burnout-ville last week, so i took 1.5 days off work (thankfully, i report to a friend of mine who has anxiety, knows i have add and/or anxiety, and just told her superior that i had the stomach flu). i also took a night off of softball. i felt refreshed after that, but then almost the entire weekend was spent with my boyfriend and my family, then back to a full-time week, two nights of ball so far this week, and pressure from the boyfriend to hang out every night, and i am back to where i was last week. i don't get how people can have something going on every moment of every day and not burnout? i can't take it.
i haven't told my boyfriend about my add (he does know i have anxiety b/c i have to take a xanax just to sleep at his house, but i don't think he understands the extent and that it is actually a disorder). for some reason, i feel like people are less accepting of add than anxiety even though for some people, they can present themselves very similiarily. i'm not sure if this guy and i will work. we just became exclusive and i am already feeling distant b/c as soon as we became exclusive, he decided he wanted to start acting like a woman instead of a man and it is seriously turning me off. it has killed my sexual attraction to him. i started a whole other thread on this on monday, lol. i am starting to wonder if my only real solution is meds. i've tried to treat just the anxiety with paxil; helped the anxiety, but made some aspects of the add worse (i was super impulsive b/c nothing made me nervous) and it made me gain weight. i have tried wellbutrin, which seemed to help anxiety, but not add, and had a host of physical side effects. my doc is scared to give me a real stimulant b/c of my anxiety. i don't know what to do anymore. i would love to work from home b/c i feel it would eliminate a lot of overstimulation for me and i did go to school for medical transcription, so working from home would be a possibility...IF i could actually find a job in that field! ugh :-\ |
Re: Exhausted.
Hey purple -
I have energy issues too - and they've become worse as I got older. I used to think it was just funky moods, but I've learned how much easier I tire out than everyone else. When I tell people that I need a lot of alone time, they're usually surprised because I'm really outgoing - the problem is that it takes a lot out of me as well. A couple things to think about: Adderall has helped me enormously with the energy issue. For me Adderall works a lot like caffine except without as bad a crash, and instead of nervous energy I get directed energy. Food has become a big part of the energy story for me. I've found that high carb foods make me crash not long after I eat them, so I have to be careful about that. Lastly, it's lifestyle. There are somethings in everyone's life that they can change, other things you can't. I had an hour and a half commute each way, but I asked my boss if I could work 7AM to 3:30AM and he was fine with it. That helps me avoid the commute. I never thought I could do it, as I've always been a night person, but have grown accustomed to it. Not sure if something like that could work for you, but there are things like that you can try to change to give yourself a break (cut back on cable bill and pay someone to do your laundry etc.) The big part though is managing your personal life. You have to tell your boyfriend about this. If he doesn't understand and won't understand, then you should probably move on. If he does, then you might be able to come to some compromise where some nights he could come over but spend time doing your own things (eg he could read/work/watch tv while you took a nap/read/watched tv etc) I had to do that with my girlfriend (now my wife) back in the day. I also had to tell her sometimes that I needed my alone time and she needed to understand that - it was part of who I was. You don't necessarily have to bring ADD into the equation. It sounds like you haven't been together that long, so you can just maintain it's something you've always dealt with and it's a personality quirk. I didn't know I had ADD at the time so that's how I presented it. |
Re: Exhausted.
That does sound exhausting. I hate sitting in traffic jams. They are so frustrating and they always make me sleepy. Listening to music helps a bit but I still get very restless.
Relationship stress doesn't help either. You sound like you really need a break. Hope you got some rest over the 1.5 days. |
Re: Exhausted.
Reminds me of a thread I made in the adult education section called "I have no time for myself!"
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Re: Exhausted.
Batting-cage therapy?
When I was in the Navy, I hated my job. On the really bad days, I would stop by a golf driving range on my way home. I'd get three LARGE baskets of balls and drive them to my hearts content. By the time I was done, my arms usually hurt and I was in a better mental state... it didn't hurt that the driving-range was halfway through my 1.5hr commute aroud Puget Sound. |
Re: Exhausted.
did I say study for examples? LOL I meant exams... darn that's what happens when you're trying to eat a meal while posting this at the same time...
I usually forget to chew my food. If the food is too hot, heck I'll just forget about it until it's cold. |
Re: Exhausted.
MyPurpleSky, I'm sorry you're feeling overwhelmed. I am too. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
I feel like my week got out of control (work stuff popping up), and even though I feel like the meds are helping with this, it was really hard to not let it overwhelm me today before I went to work at my part time job. On top of all this, DH wasn't sure if he was leaving tonight or tomorrow for a business trip. I just got home from work and I was soooo happy to see his car gone. I felt awful about it for a second, but then realized that it will be so nice over the weekend to not have that extra sensory input. I'd booked myself conservatively for the weekend until this event popped up that I have to deal with tomorrow (my real job), now I'm wondering if I'm going to self destruct just because I won't have any me time, except driving to and from the event (2 hours each way). I need to clean the house, but that isn't going to happen. In the morning, I need to get all the event stuff together, then go visit a new beekeeper that needs a mentor, make the drive, do the event, decide if I'm staying the night or heading back (not sure, I can do either), make the drive back, meet with a client Sunday around lunchtime for a few hours and then I'm taking a class Sunday night. I don't even want to talk about today...:( |
Re: Exhausted.
Aaannnndddd.... The second I hit "post" on that, DH calls. "Hey honey, whatcha doing? Oh, you're home? See you in a few minutes. I'm bringing you dessert."
:scratch: |
Re: Exhausted.
No you're not the only one. I'm glad I'm not either, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I just had a conversation with my mother about this this morning (well in particular about my boyfriend wanting too much of my time) and she said that normal people like to spend everyday with their significant others. Either this is a distorted point of view from a woman who craves constant human interaction or I am not normal. Even if I'm not normal, I can't change the way I feel. I am not one of those girls who has to spend everyday with her boyfriend. I admit I was probably like that when I was younger and maybe even in the beginning stages of this relationship, but I am an adult now. I have other things going on in my life and I feel like those things are falling apart b/c I'm putting so much/too much effort into this relationship.
Last night, he tells me I've been distant the past 5 days. I said I am exhausted from my job and need more time alone and more time with my friends. I haven't seen my non-softball friends in 2 months! He said we haven't had much time together lately, to which I said we've hung out 3 of the last 5 days. He said yeah, but not real time since we were always with other people. Basically he wants me to come to his house so he can suck my face off all night or it's not real time together. That's all he ever wants to do; he won't make any other moves. I am totally bored of it. Anyway, so his response to me saying that I needed more alone time and more time with friends (and basically implying that we're spending too much time together) was that I should tell him if I want to break up. Really? That's all it takes is him not getting the attention he wants for 5 days and this is what he's saying, not to mention that it shows no care for what I actually said. I feel like a normal person would say, ok honey, I understand if that's what you need right now. I feel like he can't get past how he is feeling and isn't hearing what I'm actually saying. I am going out with my friends tonight, which he said I should go if I want to, but I still feel like he's always gonna have some form of a problem if I want to spend a night alone or with friends. It seems passive aggressive and I loathe when people act passive aggressive, especially men. I feel like it's manipulative and meant to make you feel guilty. |
Re: Exhausted.
I don't agree with your mom, but then, I'm not normal.... :lol:
DH (also probably not normal, but I'm not sure what his DX would be) and I agree that it's pretty awesome that neither of us are around ALL THE TIME. About the time we start getting on each other's nerves, one of us has to take off for a day or three for work (him more than me). We also give each other space as needed. I barely saw him at all week before last, he was playing so much golf. I didn't care, we had dinner together almost every night and I always got to kick him in bed before I fell asleep. Tonight, I have the house to myself. He's not sure if he's going to make it back Monday or Tuesday (I'm guessing Tuesday). Which is good, because I did want to kill him this morning. It's hard enough to mind myself, I can't be his entire brain too. He doesn't seem to get how much pressure it puts on me, and how overwhelming it is. To his credit, he came home last night and said, "You were ready for me to be gone, I can see it in your face." He didn't take it personally either. I did enjoy the chocolate pecan pie he'd brought me. I hope things work out one way or another with the boyfriend. I wouldn't be able to deal with that for long. I think you're right that he's being passive aggressive. That s*** drives me crazy. |
Re: Exhausted.
I have had a lot of your problems so know where you are coming from but I have also found ways around a lot of them and I suppose I must have had a lot of luck.
I couldnīt do a job that I didnīt really enjoy. I donīt last more than a few days, it really kills me. iīve had loads of jobs I didnīt enjoy and even though I really needed the money, I left. In this economy people canīt be so choosy but donīt settle for this job, keep looking. I have kids and I have found it so hard that I have felt like running away. I went back full time with the first one and then 3 days a week with the second. I couldnīt cope with the boredom and constant demands. I love them to pieces but it really killed me. Friends used to say I was superwoman working in the city (a long commute which I used to take full advantage of by reading) and most said they couldnīt do it. For me going to work was far easier than staying home with kids. Relationships, I have always been out with men who have traveled as part of their job. This has meant that I always get enough time to myself. My husband is away a lot (a bit too much). I canīt do the fulltime thing with a guy, I seriously need my space. |
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