New member intro/rant
Typically I'm more coherent, with well thought out writing - but right now I feel like I just need to spill my thoughts however they come out of my brain.
Not really a great way to begin an introduction to a forum of strangers who are going to judge me, but hopefully it makes more sense on a forum like this.
I have ADHD (obviously). I was diagnosed as young as 4 or 5 I believe, I didn't start on and off medication until I was 13 maybe... I wasn't on constant medication until I was 20. I'm 24 now. I never got good grades in high school, but everyone thought I was super intelligent anyway. I was active in class discussions, and all my teachers either loved me because I was brilliant, or hated me because I never did homework and got good grades because I was clearly capable and wasting whatever talent they thought I had. I had a 504 plan. I took concerta, straterra, and ritalin sporadically throughout high school. Straterra was useless, concerta and ritalin worked to some degree, but I hated the side effects. I've been on adderall since 20 and it really has changed my life in ways I never thought a drug could do. For years I tried to convince myself that my ADHD was some ******** diagnoses to use me as tool of the pharmaceutical companies and the doctors to make endless profits off through my concerned mother. Adderall changed my mind to what ADHD really is.
I didn't have money to go to college out of highschool. I worked hard and tried to save up. I've completed roughly 2 years and am still battling finances, and worse ADHD. I currently work two dead end jobs that I appreciate, but neither I'm extremely fond of being at, although I am good at both. I enjoy being challenged even when I hate it - it's much better than the alternative.
I decided to join this forum because I feel very alone, and not out of a means of necessarily searching for pity, more so... looking for my own kind. I know IQ tests are meant to be taken with a grain of salt. I've had ones done professionally, and un-professionally. I'm confident my IQ is between 140 and 175. I think adderall improves my test scores because it allows me to focus on the test more intently, not necessarily improve intelligence, but obviously paying attention and being able to intently focus on the test is just as important as having the cognitive abilities to solve the puzzles. I resent a lot of praise I receive from friends, co-workers and family members. I have nothing to show for any of it. I wear my intelligence with extreme disdain, even though I appreciate it...my mind is a blessing and a curse.
Even when on adderall, I can struggle to focus - especially when several interesting things catch my attention at once... my brain intensifies and multi-tasks at an overwhelming rate. I have never in my life been able to put all my thoughts down on paper at once - I simply don't have the memory capacity at the speed at which I write or type, and believe me - I've tried. Even all of this is just a small fraction of what has gone through my brain since I've been typing.
I hate being interrupted when I'm trying to think and focus very hard. I can be a real prick when I'm not even trying to be. I have a hard time being patient with people who don't understand things as quickly as I do, which is asinine and absurd, because that would statistically be a really small percentage with people, yet I expect that out of most people I interact with...that's not very smart. I am an enigma in a lot of ways. I want to be something I am not, yet appreciate a lot of what I am. I wish I just had more control. I can be really irritable. I try not to think everyone I'm surrounded by is an idiot - it's simply not true, yet I come off to some people as being condescending and I can't help it.
I simply want to improve or find a way to improve. I'm not getting any better at a rate I would like so I'm reaching out to a group of people similar to me to learn and grow. I just want to believe that I'm not crazy, nor going crazy. I don't know if I want to be normal, but I don't think that matters because I never will be. I don't even know what normal is anyway, and I'm not sure anyone does. It's too broad to understand.
Ok, I'm done for now. If anything I said made sense to you I think I'm in the right place.
Re: New member intro/rant
welcome to the forums :)
Re: New member intro/rant
Hi T-Rex, I can relate to a lot of what you say but am in no state to type a coherent reply.
My "superior" attitude can put people off. I donīt think Iīm better than anyone else and I donīt even realise that Iīm giving off this vibe, but I donīt suffer fools gladly and am impatient. I donīt remember much of school as left when I was 14. My tutor once said that he just didnīt understand me at all as I could get into university so easily without the struggle that others have to through. I could miss weeks of school, turn up at class and complete the homework as it was being written on the board and then throw my book at the teacher who didnīt believe I had actually done it.
I have wasted my brains totally although had a fantastic job for 20 years where I was happy.
I donīt want to be normal (I used to) but I now Iīm different hence my name "Iīm a square peg trying to fit into a round hole" and I never will.
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