Ignorance is bliss
 

I'm not doing so good :( Not even sure where to post anymore.

I'm feeling a little like ignorance is bliss. I'm tired. I'm tired of my mood shifting so much. Its exhausting. And before I didn't notice, or thought it was other people or things, or thought it was normal. Now I'm all too aware that I have a medical condition and even though medication will help, this is what it is. Forever.

Its almost like some things are getting worse instead of better because I'm more attuned and informed than I was before. When I stop and take inventory of what I'm feeling, its always in flux, always moving I can't even feel like I know what to expect. No wonder this is so hard to tell from BPD cause sometimes I feel I don't know who I am.

GAWD. How depressing. I'm so glad this won't last too long. Anyone else wanna wallow in Crystal's House of Wallowing and Self Pity?:giggle:

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

Can I join you in the Walling and self pity house???
I have recently been diagnosed add and always knew I was strange but because I´ve not really been living in the real world, I have always accepted that´s how I am.

So yeah I´m struggling now, I´ve fallen to earth with a huge crash. I´m sure it will pass though.

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

Oh by the end of the day I'm sure I'll be happy bubbly and totally annoying. I just got through Thanksgiving, (with panic attacks) and I'm very low. I just couldn't take the stress of the kids being overly excited (understood) for days on end.

My next drs appt is next week. I have not started volunteering yet. I am not out visiting friends anymore. Maybe I need to tweak my meds.

Yeah there is something to be said about the initial diagnosis. Its like you are weird, but not just weird like everyone else, you are weird weird. Here's some pills and good luck.

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

There's no party like a self-pity party and there's nowhere I'd rather wallow than in your house! Thanks for the invite! Let's get drunk and be stupid... we can deal with that other crap... tomorrow!

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

is this 'Medical Condition' you speak of your ADD or is it something alongside with it?

this is gonna be my new halfway-depressed rant thread now. but lunch is calling me...

i do miss being a child though in terms of being ignorant of how things really are, and what things become in terms of how life is compared from childhood to teens/adulthood. i was probably happiest then, im mostly happy now but i actually have to worry about stuff now.

ill be back here in about a half hour...im back

some aspects i now notice of myself are that im generally in a neutral/meh mood, happy when good things happen as is natural, are 'normal' people supposed to be happy all the time (when they're labeled "happy") or are 'normal' people happy mostly when things are going good?

almost like there's a new 4th voice (4th Survivor Scenario) in my head that's just depressed thoughts about me and my life right now, almost like my main personality gets depressed all of the sudden, but im still not. the thoughts just occur but im not actually depressed. some of the depressed actually have valid reasoning and points, i will admit that (primarily because theyre about myself/my life), but i just want that guy to shut up

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

I agree, being informed has its downsides. I as soon as I am aware of my thoughts and feelings I can stop feeling the negative feelings temporarily, but then I only feel empty and don't know what to feel. I feel helpless and defeated.

One thing that has helped me was reading "The Wisdom of Insecurity" by Alan Watts. You may find peace in reading it.

Unfortunately, the only time I feel at peace are during and shortly after reading this book because life, work, time, and my hobbies distract me and I forget what I have read.

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

My favorite quote from a book says about the same thing... "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow." (Scarlett in "Gone with the wind")

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

i really miss thinking i was distracted strictly because i'm a creative genius.
now im just creative, and distracted.

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

I've been in this boat lately. Maybe not for the same reasons; I'm still getting diagnosed. I feel as though if I get a negative diagnosis and they can't really figure anything out, I'm just a lazy good-for-nothing. If I get a positive diagnosis, I'm saddled with this condition for the rest of my life and have to depend on mood-altering medication I hate relying on. Feels like a lose-lose to me, though I guess I wasn't feeling any better before ADHD was a potential cause.

My current treatment has primarily been ice cream and wine. Because that's healthy. And smart. :rolleyes:

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

:p Crazy is as crazy does! Here's a cheers to you my friend! *clink with my non alcoholic beverage* :giggle:

Your guess is as good as mine. I'll go with the Axis I.

I may just check that out thank you.

Been there.

So, I'm like the weather. If you don't like it, wait 10 minutes.

Maybe I just need to change my sig. "Take a lesson from your dog - no matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh*t and move on."

Just not today. Most of the time I am pretty tough. But, I can't always help my moods. Sometimes I just gotta roll with it.

I mean maybe its easier to fight something that is in front of you. But my opponent is quick and flighty and just when I begin to tackle it its gone and its something else to deal with.

Does anybody understand what I mean? By the time I figure out what to do about this little bout of the blues, I will be fine then trying to deal with not being able to sit still or going on a cleaning frenzy, or talking to someone and saying the most stupid things. Its like chasing a ghost.

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

Kind of like one minute the sky is absolutely falling and nothing anyone says or does will ever make it better, then the next minute or hour, everything is okay again? Or, at least, you've moved on to something that distracts you? I get like that a lot. My best friend never knows what to expect, because I'll text her one minute and I'll be devastated over some (probably small) thing and the next minute I'll be elated over something else (probably also small). It's exhausting.



Can I join the general pity party? Because I want to complain and there's no one home with me to listen!

I'm pretty sick of things lately. I was actually very excited when I was diagnosed with ADHD and given Adderall (along with Prozac for depresison and anxiety). I was happy that I could finally explain away all of my failures (mostly in school) and hopefully get some help for them and begin anew. I envisioned myself doing much better in school, maybe even getting all A's and not failing one single class (I tend to stop attending classes when I get frustrated or have to do presentations). I thought that these meds would help me completely change my attitude toward school, and maybe even life. And for a moment, they seemed to.

But now I'm back to barely caring about school, not being able to focus on homework (because my Adderall doesn't last long enough to make it through school and then the rest of the day when I have to work on homework), and just generally not giving a crap. I don't want to be this way. I want to be good in school. I want to care, I just can't make myself. I got very lucky and (probably) passed a midterm today just because the professor sort of lied about what was on it and it was easier than I expected. I went in there knowing that I was going to fail because I spent all of last night playing Risk on my PS3 and watching tv because I couldn't even begin to focus on my study guide.

I thought these stupid pills were supposed to help me succeed, or at least take a step (however small) in the right direction. They don't seem to do anything and calling my psychiatrist was useless because she just upped the dosage instead of listening to me. I see her again in a few weeks, but I'm not feeling very hopeful about it. I'm actually feeling rather depressed and incredibly frustrated.

Sorry for the rant! (Sort of. It actually just felt good to type it out.)

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

You know, crystal, I thought about this some more while I was at work again, and you're right. Ignorance was bliss. Not realizing, not being able to tell... but then again, in that ignorance, think of the people we accidentally hurt and had no idea... at least, that's how it was in my case. I was so unaware of how I was hurting people- and that really got to me because, medicated or unmedicated, I am a pretty observant person. I enjoy that I see things others don't... totally missed that though.

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

I'm in the same situation...instead of dealing with problems/life, I just keep pretending like everything's gonna be all right but it's NOT. Things are so messed up right now...I don't even know how I could allow myself to become such a mess.....meds are not working anymore, just started Wellbutrin again.

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

Welcome to Crystal's Pity Party. Leave all your money at the door.:lol:

The medication merry go round. Hopefully once you tell her they aren't working on a higher dose, she will give you something else. I wish I could say something more uplifting, but I am hosting a pity party after all.:faint:


Oh, you are right silivrentoliel. I have hurt the people who mean the most to me. I have always been incredibly observant of everything....except me.

That's it! You are the life of the party. But...remember the party closes today. The few guests who have stopped by have left a terrible mess. *sweep sweep* *glares at Drewbacca*

Last call guys. The bar is almost closed.

Re: Ignorance is bliss
 

Some days it bugs me, most days it doesn't. I knew I had add long before I got an official diagnosis. But having a doctor confirm it sort of really hammered the point home, and after taking medicine for it I saw just how much of my every day life that it was a part of (both good and bad).

It still gets to me once in a while that I have to take a pill to think clearly. I was kind of hoping I wouldn't need to rely on any drugs to manage it.

I still don't know how or when I'm going to tell my parents. I haven't even come to terms with the fact that something is "wrong" with me. I know they'd be supportive of it, but then I also know that they'd try to be extra supportive about it and want to talk about it and exaggerate just how ok it is (you know when a kid comes out to being gay with his parents and his parents show support by keep talking about just how ok being gay is).

Logically I know it's ok, it's not a character flaw or anything I did wrong, I'm just at the point I'd rather sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist right now. It was easier being "quirky" in some ways, but I also know that continuing down that road was starting to catch up to me in unexpected ways. Some days I think I somehow managed to fool the doctors into thinking I have adhd. Other days I know I have it.

Every mistake is amplified (was it me or adhd?).

But it's been starting to bug me less and less. The more I start to relax and just chill about it, the more I notice that the only one being so hard on my mistakes, is me. Ever time I stress about mistakes and see them as huge deals, other people just see them as little deals. My worst critic is myself.

I guess at the end of the day, it's better I'm taking care of this sooner than later before it really kicks me in the rear, while my adhd traits are still seen as positive in the work place (high energy, great multi-tasker, eager to try new ideas and solutions). My boss wants me to work on slowing down a little to include other people with my projects *cough not hyper-focusing cough*.

I'm not sure I could break off mid train of thought, mid project and switch gears when I'm already steam rolling towards the finish line without medication to help me refocus after I've been not only distracted, but derailed. Normally I have to get an iteration done to where I'm ready to show it, I can't just switch gears while I'm still in the working process between point A and point B. I've always had the problem of getting irritated with my bosses and telling them I'd let them know when I had something to show them, stop bugging me (very politely of course). It's easier for me to go back and change/redo something when I'm done than to change it while I'm working on it. To me it's natural, if I've already done something I can go back and use similar steps to make a quick change, if I have to change it in the middle, I have to refigure out what steps to use and completely change my line of thinking, therefore it takes longer, but to an NT its the exact opposite mentality, and not everyone is comfortable asking for big changes on what looks like a finished product. If they do they feel guilty like they inconvenienced me even when that's never the case.

So it's things like that, that make me see the silver lining. I'm medicated, I'm aware of the problem, and I know how to fix the problem. So going forward, as the demands of the work place increase, I now have all the best tools at my disposal to not only adapt to it, but do well with it. :cool: