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-   -   and so it begins, though really it's just never ending (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=188734)

peripatetic 11-05-17 10:35 AM

and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
i miss him and the next six months will be a roller coaster. that always ends the same. he's dead.

i'm suicidal. still. again...persistently. i'm not planning. i've burned my plans last time i was in PHP. i'm actually semi looking forward to taking e to SF MOMA today.

but last night i was, just, distraught that i'm not dead but even more so that i was unable to cry. then i listened to a bunch of stuff i shouldn't be listening to in the dark of night when e is down and m is grading and i'm just sinking.

that damned devotchka song gets me every time.

then i woke up crying this morning. and i filled my daily allowance pill container with my five psych meds and wept through that. and then i wrote some stuff and cried some more.

and through it all i just think...why can't i be dead? i really ought to be dead by now.

i'm not going to do it right now. i just can't shake the feeling that i am not supposed to be here. and what if i'm unkillable as i've so often feared? what if they've formaldehyded me to the point where i will never be free? never have peace. because if i'm unkillable, then i'm forever alone. and never at rest.

i took my meds (my night meds) late the last two nights. i struggled to take my morning meds today. i want to not take them so i can talk to him again. i want to see him again and laugh with him and cry with him. i want to not be here and i'm pretty sure i shouldn't be.

i don't usually write these things so bluntly in places where people can respond because platitudes make me feel worse. maybe i do want to hear something though...though i don't know what. i'm stuck.

and when she wakes i'm going to find the wherewithal to keep running. because if i run fast enough maybe it won't catch me this time. maybe there won't be new plans drafted and new times rehearsed and on and on. there really can't be if i'm going to stay, and stay i must because she's small.

and i don't want to die today. i just feel like my time is running out and when it does, i'll be trapped forever.

anyway, as i said...i'm not planning, i'm trying not to ruminate. i just can't shake this feeling, so i'm going to try and outrun it today. again.

i wouldn't wish ill on another, but i know i'm not the only one for whom suicidal is just an underlying state that persists. if you're one of them, you're not the only one who's just going to do her/his best to get through today. and maybe not wake up crying and wondering how i can be not dead tomorrow.

Unmanagable 11-05-17 10:42 AM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
I wish I knew how to bring relief to every heart that hurts. Hugs and hope headed your way.

midnightstar 11-05-17 11:06 AM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
Many hugs to you, peri, I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better :( :grouphug:

Fuzzy12 11-05-17 11:38 AM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
Just hugs from me as well. A million hugs. :grouphug:

stef 11-05-17 12:21 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 (Post 1971039)
Just hugs from me as well. A million hugs. :grouphug:

same :grouphug:

Little Missy 11-05-17 12:48 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
And an extra good salty chocolate bar to savor for later. From me.

peripatetic 11-06-17 12:47 AM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
i'm trying to outrun it.

again.

because that's all i know how to do to cope.

day three of late night meds--though at least semi attributable to time change? maybe. day two of debating morning ones.

i took e to sfmoma today and then the gardens' playground with a friend. she had fun and i bought her a cool art crayon of all 64 colours in one giant piece. she loves it.

i haven't been to sfmoma in a few years. and they semi recently remodeled. and i was looking at the art and i couldn't connect with much. nothing really moved me. and that's not standard.

but this gnawing at me is. and i'm getting tired of it. if i could turn my body inside out then the dead would be on the outside and the life would be on the inside and i'm pretty sure that's the way the world would make sense and i'd be at peace.

things are stirring. and i hear them. and i'm done wondering why. i just want it go away or overtake and bury me. one or the other. i'm stuck in a limbo existence that was custom made for someone who isn't me. and i'm tired of putting it on every morning and acting like it's ok. because it's not.

nothing is ok, really.

Andi 11-06-17 12:30 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
I have a question. In knowing him as well as you do, do you think this is what he wanted to leave you with? I more than understand the desire. Often can't shake it myself. That sense of relief, no more pain, sorrow...and as I often think about how easy it would be but then realize how I would ruin so many lives. Not that I'm THAT important but with every attempt, the anger that filled my love one's. How can I do this to them? How selfish can I be? As if my actions were an attempt to cause pain. They didn't get it. They don't get it but I understand why they feel how they do. There are times that I fear death. As much as I've ran to it, I find myself over the past few years trying to run from it as well. In getting how they feel I find myself living through nightmares and daymares of losing them. They feel so real. The pain feels real in these mind states and knowing that it would destroy me if anything happened to them...so how can I do it to them.

I remember when it happened...my birthday. The sheer pain and understanding you had for him. The relief he may have felt has crushed you and I don't think that's the legacy he wanted to leave for you. He loved, he loves and I'm most certain he never meant to cause you such pain. I wonder if it would be just as helpful if you created some type of memorial or some type of program or research funding in his name. Buy a star in his name...dunno. In my heart I feel there's some way that we can help you find comfort. You are loved...so damn much. I for one would be crushed to lose you. As a friend, as one of the most amazing people I've had the pleasure meeting. You have a beautiful heart and mind. Platitudes are painful...I get it but I feel driven to tell you just what you mean to the world and the pain you feel today would be shared by countless others if they were to lose you as well. Much love, many hugs and most of all...I hear you, I feel you and I more than understand where you are; I cry with you my friend...it's not my intent to make you feel guilty, not at all. I hope to shed light and perhaps hope. But as I have always said to you; I relate and you're not alone. :x:0

Lunacie 11-06-17 12:55 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
:grouphug:

Stevuke79 11-06-17 03:42 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
It sucks. I know platitudes also suck and I hate them too so I'll try to avoid them other than to say I really am sorry and you are a very good and kind soul which makes it even sadder that you go through this.

Forgive me if this is unhelpful, but one thing I have said to myself when I've had similar thoughts is that I tell myself:
"I can do whatever I want. I wont tell myself I can't or shouldn't. But in order to be fair, first I have to go over to my daughter and explain to her why I have to do it and why I wont be there for her."

(Another thing, though less potent and effective.. I have also told myself that it's the kind of thing you can always put off and do later. Once you do it, the result is the same, there's never a rush or time limit.)

midnightstar 11-06-17 03:52 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
I second Andi's words, peri, this forum would be lost without you :grouphug:

peripatetic 11-06-17 10:16 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
you've all given me a lot to think about, and some of it's really hard to hear, but it's all appreciated.

i think it's unfair of me to make my suicidal feelings and thoughts so closely linked with esh. andi, no, he wouldn't want me to be so crushed. and i did do what i could to honour his wishes. i went through page after page contacting people to tell them things he couldn't tell them but wanted them to know. i wrote a letter to his mum even. and i was not on good terms with her.

but it's really not about him. it's just that when i'm feeling this way, i wish i had someone to talk to who understood in the ways that he did. and i know there are people here, and some understand more than others. and i know i'm not really alone, but i feel so isolated.

i live with two other people who absolutely adore me, but i could be in a roomful of people and feel utterly alone at times, too. and m...he just sat and hugged me today for a really long time. and i hug my girl and i just think they deserve better.

and i'm so tired. not fatigued or like physically tired, but kinda. i'm tired of having breatkthrough symptoms. i'm tired of the voices and the thoughts and the pictures in my head. and i'm tired of the meds and the therapy and the effort that feels futile.

and it existed...my diagnoses, long before him. but there was something different about him. he hid the really terrible parts like i did...like i still try to when i'm able. oftentimes less successfully, sometimes more.

i remember as a teenager thinking it impossible that i could reach twenty...then thirty...i've never been able to picture myself in the future and i still can't. i know it's probably what my psychiatrist would consider symptomatic, but i am so afraid that i've been rendered unkillable...and my unsuccessful attempts and the things i've done when unwell that have been truly graphic and bloody...kinda make it seem like either i really can't be killed because i'm already formaldehyded or that i'm already dead. and that scares the hell out of me.

and then there's my small girl. and i would do anything for her. and i've let myself be convinced that she would never be the same if i did it.and she would never be the same if she saw me cut myself open to try to remove the dead parts inside. so i just feel trapped. suffocating. it's like i'm on some type of life support ...or everyone thinks i'm in a coma and just lets me lie there even though inside i'm screaming for them to let me out.

i'll get through this. i have to. but i miss him because i feel like he had so much more to give and i have nothing and why am i here and he's not, you know? i'm so ******* tired and he ... but that's not true. he was exhausted. i saw it. i felt it. we couldn't keep each other afloat because that's not how it works...but when i'm feeling like the world, like existence, is some kinda of custom made clothing i'm putting on but it's made for someone else and it's too tight and too bright and it's giving me blisters...when i feel like this, i think about times when we played the games threads and listened to music and talked about other dimensions (i know...i know...:rolleyes:) but it ...i want to see art and feel it again. i want to care that purple exists. i want to believe that i'm supposed to exist.

i feel like i'm going to start crying, so i'm going to wrap this up. i just want you all to know that *I* wouldn't be the same without this forum. and it's hard for me to open up about certain things and that's maybe what's missing...i know that since e has been born i just can't keep up appearances. not that i was exceptional at doing so beforehand, but i can't hide all of the crap about me i wish i could. and i sometimes just want to talk to someone who goes through what i go through. and i know some here do, and, andi, you are an incredible friend.

you are all amazing. and i appreciate you.

i saw this recently, and maybe if you replace anxiety and depression with ocd and psychosis, it'll make sense where i'm coming from to those who don't see it already: https://www.printfriendly.com/print?...GB-qvr_%7E_PcS

aeon 11-06-17 10:53 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by peripatetic (Post 1971275)
...when i feel like this, i think about times when we played the games threads and listened to music and talked about other dimensions (i know...i know...:rolleyes:)...

No rolling of the eyes, please, please no.

Because you don't need to pull back, or feel embarrassed, or feel like you have something to apologize for.

Because when I read your post, that was right at the moment my heart opened like a flower, and I felt, and felt deeply. You communicated just a few words, and for a second I was sure I understood what you meant, and I felt joy in being reminded of what it means to understand and to be understood.

And a moment later I felt sad because I had some real idea of your loss. The loss of connection, the loss of witness of self in other.

Yet, who can say what the future will bring? May we remain open to receive it.

But peri, please never do that again. Don't roll your eyes.

Listening to music and talking about other dimensions...what is more essential, more real, more beautiful than that? What's more noble? What's more playful?

Cherish and celebrate that with every fibre of your being.

But whatever you do, don't for one second pretend or make like it was less.

It wasn't.


BlessÚd Be to You,
Ian

peripatetic 11-06-17 10:57 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
thank you, ian. xx

anonymouslyadd 11-06-17 11:28 PM

Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending
 
Peri, I don't know of any other way to express what I feel in my heart for you and your suffering other than Thomas Jefferson's letter below to John Adams after the death of Abigail Adams.


MONTICELLO, November 13, 1818.
The public papers, my dear friend, announce the fatal event of which your letter of October the 20th had given me ominous foreboding. Tried myself in the school of affliction, by the loss of every form of connection which can rive the human heart, I know well, and feel what you have lost, what you have suffered, are suffering, and have yet to endure. The same trials have taught me that for ills so immeasurable, time and silence are the only medi*cine. I will not, therefore, by useless condolences, open afresh the sluices of your grief, nor, although mingling sincerely my tears with yours, will I say a word more where words are vain, but that it is of some comfort to us both, that the term is not very distant, at which we are to deposit in the same cerement, our sorrows and suffering bodies, and to ascend in essence to an ecstatic meeting with the friends we have loved and lost, and whom we shall still love and never lose again. God bless you and support you under your heavy affliction.

~Thomas Jefferson


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